Seconds passed as only silence filled the air. Her chest grew tighter as Nathan appeared to look like a deer frozen in the headlights.
She closed her eyes and swore under her breath. She's not sure what she scares her more: the way Lucas' words had affected her or how he nearly fought Nathan just moments ago.
And now the only thing she wanted was an answer.
"Nate? Can you explain to me what's going on?"
"What are you doing up here?" He asked apparently trying to buy time.
"He dropped this." She gestured a small stuffed animal toward him. "Guess he didn't notice since he bolted for the door."
"You know he's going through a lot right now." He shrugged unable to provide the truth.
"We've been friends for way too long now for that bullshit answer." Her tone wasn't full of anger or bitterness, but sadness.
Putting his hands in his pockets, he clenched his jaw.
"Brooke, I'm kinda up against the wall here. The answer you're looking for, well, I'm not the one who should give it to you."
She figured as much.
"Should I be worried, Nate?"
"I am." The vulnerability and sincere look of concern in his eyes nearly knocked the wind out of her.
As a stray tear made its way down her face, Julian and Haley began to make their way to the entryway. Wiping it away quickly and ignoring Nathan's looks, she smiled toward her fiancée.
"Hey." Her raspy voice was just above a whisper.
"Hi. It's getting late. Wanna go home?" Her squeezed her hand gently.
"Yea."
And when he smiled she remembered why she fell in love with him. He made her feel safe. He made her feel wanted. He opened her heart again to the possibility of love. Something she had given up on a long time ago.
She loved him. She knew that. However, she wasn't sure why she was so compelled to know the truth behind Lucas's behavior. The look in his eye had taken her back to another time. She couldn't quite shake that feeling.
"Let's go." She kissed Julian's cheek before turning to Haley.
"Thanks for the party, Hales. Jaime looked like he had the best time." Fake small talk would have to do for now.
"He did, didn't he?" She smiled at the thought of her son. "Let's do lunch soon? Catch me up on your trip to Colorado and the proposal?"
"I'd love to. Just let me know when."
"Okay. Well, we'll let you guys go. Congratulations again!"
As Haley hugged Julian, Nathan mouthed "you need to talk to him".
She shrugged lightly before Julian led her out of the house. And suddenly, her mind wasn't full of the joy of a newly engaged woman but it was clouded with confusion.
He's been standing here for seven minutes and still hasn't knocked. Turning to leave, he stops dead in his place. Just do it, he thinks. Taking a look at his sleeping daughter, he finally has the guts to knock on the door.
She opens the door distraughtly. She must have been asleep.
"Luke?" She seems to be sizing up the situation. "Are you okay? Is Sawyer okay?"
"Yea, she's fine." He looks down now slightly embarrassed for coming here.
"But, are you okay?"
He smiled weakly, and squinted as to avoid the burning sensation of holding back tears. He looked down and drew patterns in the ground with his foot before looking back up.
"Can I come in, Peyt?"
"Yea." She nodded solemnly while supportively squeezing his shoulder before he entered her apartment.
Lying in her bed, she sketched a design. She continued the pattern of shading just thinking about what Nathan had said.
"Should I be worried, Nate?"
"I am."
"You might draw right through that paper in a minute." He laughed sarcastically as he looked at her.
"I just zoned out I guess."
"Ya know, I was thinking we could go down to Wilmington soon. There are some gorgeous places on the harbor that allow for ceremonies. Maybe we could take a look. See if we like anything."
"Mhm."
She heard him scoff and turned to face him.
"Maybe this is just in my head. Maybe I'm completely off base. But, before we went to Nathan and Haley's you couldn't say enough about this wedding. We leave and suddenly you have no interest at all."
He pauses and purses his lips as he looks to be shuffling through his own thoughts.
"Now, I have a theory as to why. But, that would be crazy. Right?"
"You're wrong."
"Am I?" He wasn't giving up.
He was right. Brooke knew that, but hearing him acknowledge it stung. She didn't need to hear that the thing that scared her most may in fact be a reality. It couldn't be. Lucas loved Peyton. He had always loved Peyton. Whatever they were going through now, they were going to work it out.
"Julian, what is it exactly that you're trying to say?" She snapped back defiantly. It wasn't fair to him, but her stubborn nature got in the way.
"Shit, Brooke. What do you think I'm trying to say? You think I didn't see what happened tonight?" He raised his tone as he slammed his bed sheets down before standing up quickly.
"Nothing happened Julian! If you think Lucas has feelings for me then you're dead wrong!"
"How can you say nothing happened? I stood there. I saw it. Hell, when I walked over to him the guy looked like he might cry. He mumbled how I shouldn't forget how 'lucky I am to have you'." He mimicked Lucas's tone as he spoke.
She softened against her headboard as she mulled what Julian had just said.
"Then, he brings up two boys and a girl and you're a different person. But, it's all in my head. You're right." Rubbing his chin angrily, he stares desperately at Brooke.
"He doesn't love me anymore, okay?"
"Maybe you're right, but do you still love him?"
The question threw her off. It was a question she battled with over the years. Over time she had learned to accept that she would always love Lucas Scott.
"I love you."
He choked up as his eyes wandered the room.
"I'm just tired of wondering if that's enough." He lifted up his pillow as he stared contritely at her. "I'm gonna sleep on the couch tonight."
"Julian?" Desperation filled her voice. She couldn't believe this was happening.
Before she knew it, he was gone.
"I just put her down." Peyton said as she folds her arms. "So, what's going on Luke?"
He can vividly remember the last time he had been this vulnerable toward her like it was yesterday.
"I don't hate you."
"I remember the first time I ever saw you. All skinny arms and tangled mess of hair. It was hard letting you go, Peyton. Ya know, it was hard loosing you. It was hard seeing you again. And it's still really hard."
"I know. When I'm asleep I have this dream where we're back in that hotel room in L.A. and you proposed to me. And every single time I say yes."
"It's just a dream right?"
"It's my dream."
Maybe that was the problem. It wasn't his dream.
"I feel like I never talked to you about all of this. After everything we've been through I just need you to understand; to try to understand."
"Oh. Okay." Her voice was just above a whisper as the mention of them rehashing their separation seemed to be terrifying to her.
"I just need you to know none of this has been easy. It's all-"
"Hard." She finished his sentence as she smiled sadly.
"You are my soul mate. And I've tried to fight it and I've tried to deny it. But, I can't. That's what has always made this so hard."
He wasn't sure if what he was saying was making sense to her. He wasn't sure she would ever understand his choices. But he needed to try. That was the one thing he was absolutely sure of.
He appreciated her silence. He needed an open platform to speak to her about how he felt.
"I misinterpreted what that meant. I learned that soul mates run deeper than love. It's about an everlasting friendship; a connection that no one can quite touch."
He was surprised by how calm he was. Lucas assumed it was because he was finally at peace with the decision he was making with his life.
"But, I'm in love with her. And I've tried to fight it and I've tried to deny it. I just can't anymore."
His words had come full circle. Hoping silently that that would resonate with her, her silence kept him hanging on for an answer.
"Then what are you still doing here?" She said with that southern twang he always loved.
"Before I can even think about going after her, I need to set everything in my life straight. You needed to know that I didn't choose any of this. Turns out I couldn't choose who I love."
"It's okay." A tear fell down her face and she through her hands up mocking herself.
He moved over to where she was sitting and hugged her tightly. All these years and this is what it came down to. She pulled away and held his hands.
"Looking back now, I wonder how I ever could have missed it." She flashed a smile. "The way you looked at her. There was this spark that reached your eyes when she was around. It was like your entire world lit up just because she was there." She averted her eyes from her as she looked down for a moment. "You never looked at me like that."
"I wanted us to work so badly." And he really did. He couldn't have asked for a more perfect girl for himself if he tried. Life's funny like that though.
"I know. Me too."
A light breeze blew in from her open window and stillness set in. They sat there speaking no words. But, it was no longer an uncomfortable silence like it had been earlier. It was now filled with serenity. Watching her now, he thought back to his relationship with Peyton. How she changed his life. How she would always be a part of it.
"So where do we go from here?"
"First of all, you don't know me. Second of all, you don't know me."
He smiled softly thinking back to the first time he talked to her. Maybe he didn't know her then, but he knew her now. Peyton Sawyer was beautiful. She was witty and daring. She was a fantastic mother to his child. She may be his very best friend. He never wanted to lose that.
"Oh, I'll be seeing ya. You can count on that."
And her smile let him know that everything would be okay.
Opening the door of his childhood home, he tossed his keys onto his desk. His bed seemed so appealing. It had been a long day. Actually, it had been a long six months…
He sat down behind his desk. Slouching into the chair, he sighed realizing it was three o'clock in the morning. His eyes stopped on a picture of Sawyer and Peyton. His mood suddenly lightened as he thought of his daughter. His and Peyton's situation might not be ideal, but he thanked God everyday that they shared Sawyer. He loved that little girl more than life itself.
His thoughts were put on hold as his cell phone lit up. The words "one new message" flashed across the screen. Opening his cell phone, he saw that it was from Brooke. His face went stone cold.
Can you meet me at the river court?
The words stared back at him idly. Something about the message left him with an unnerving sentiment.
But, before considering the situation, his message was sent.
I'll be there in 5
The drive felt like a blur. He's honestly glad that the roads were clear because he was in no state of mind to be driving. The gravel cracked lightly under his tires as he pulled into the park residing next to the court. He tightened his grip on the steering wheel when he saw her sitting on the picnic table. She was dressed in a pair of black yoga pants and a plain white tee. Her hair tied loosely into a pony tail. He swore he was looking at the Brooke Davis he knew in high school.
Brilliant…
Beautiful…
Brave…
He tapped lightly on the wheel to coincide with his nerves. Then, he got out of his car slowly. The walk from his car to the picnic table couldn't have been more than twenty feet. But, it felt like years. Cliché as it may sound.
"Hi."
She nodded to herself mulling over what she would say next.
"Can I ask you a question? And I want you to skip past the bullshit." She cut right to the point. He hadn't really expected her to question him so quickly. Or maybe he had…
"Okay."
"Why did you and Peyton divorce?"
He knew the question would be discussed at some point. He'd be an idiot to not expect it. But, everything he knew was slowly leaving his mind.
"We've been separated for six months. Why are you asking me this now?"
And something inside of her clearly snapped.
"It could be because my fiancée isn't talking to me and resorted to sleeping on the couch. Or maybe because you walk into my engagement announcement looking like you've seen a ghost!" She's screaming by this point and he realizes the extent of what tonight really is. "So, please," she emphasized the word through a tearful gasp, "explain to me why."
He rubbed the back of his neck. This was it. All inhibitions were about to be left behind.
"Peyton found the letters you wrote me."
"Why does she care?"
"She didn't. But, I cared when she slipped how she told you she loved me during senior year."
The dull sound of the adjacent river and the chirps of crickets were the only noises to be heard.
"Why do you care?" Her bottom jaw quivered as she asked the question.
"Because I'm in love with you." Point blank. If she didn't want the bullshit, well then here it was: the truth.
He noticed an entire change in her demeanor. Her eyes changed from hard to helpless. Her walls were down.
But, the fire in her eyes returned just as quickly as it had left.
"Six years." She laughs bitterly. "You spend six years going after Peyton." She utters Peyton's name with malice. "And, you decide to tell me this now? Now, that I'm engaged!"
"You think I want to feel this way? I hate how much I love you! I want to love Peyton so bad. We have a family. We have a life together for Christ sake!" And now he was angry. The second she brought up Peyton it had struck a nerve. It had been the down fall of their relationship and he'd be damned if that was the reason she walked away from him again.
"Let's just say that's true. You walked away from me the night of the state championship game and right into her arms. You walked away from your marriage to Lindsay and into an engagement with Peyton. You don't love me, Luke! You just want what you can't have."
It was like the words took every last bit of energy out of her. Before him stood a vulnerable girl he once knew.
I don't like you guys to see me like this: vulnerable.
It's how I always see you, Brooke. And I think it's kinda beautiful.
"If I don't tell you the truth, I might not ever get the chance. When you broke up with me, I didn't fight for you as hard as I should have. But, I did fight. And for two months the only thing I saw was the cold shoulder. And when the person you love turns you down time and time again, yea, you learn to move on. That night at the game, I had accepted that you didn't love me anymore. But, Peyton did. So, I walked away. I was eighteen and,"
"We're all adults now, Luke! You made a conscious choice to ask Peyton to marry you!"
Staring directly into her eyes, he shrugged slightly.
"I can remember the night I proposed to her like it yesterday. Every thought. Every moment. And, I'm sitting there in the terminal trying to figure it all out. I fell asleep for maybe a few minutes. And, I can't explain what happened next. But, I know that it did."
It may have been a dream, but it was his dream.
"I'm dreaming, and these three lives flash before me. With Lindsey, it's easy. We're happy, but she's the safe choice. Peyton and I love each other. But, it's almost like I'm convincing myself that this is the life I want. And, then there's my life with you. It isn't this perfect fantasy life like the other two. It doesn't seem to matter though. Because, despite it all, we're in love. Three choices. All I have to do is follow my heart."
"You chose Peyton."
The momentum of the story had suddenly crashed. She dispelled it quickly.
"I chose you." He responded adamantly. "When I woke up, it scared the hell out of me. I tried to just dismiss it as a dream, but it wasn't just a dream. If anything it reawakened everything I was running from. All I could see was that night we fell asleep together with Angie on the couch. That was the life I wanted. I just,"
He found himself gesturing his hands to try to find the right words.
"Scared isn't even the right word for how I felt. I couldn't even process loosing you again."
"So, you decided to throw away any chance we might have had by calling Peyton instead?"
"I fucked up. I made a mistake. I'm not asking you to forget that. I'm asking you to not make the same mistake I did." And he finally lost it. As tears slowly made their way down his face, he took a step toward her and grabbed her hands. He was surprised when she didn't pull away. "Please don't marry him, Brooke."
She breathed out slowly as she tried to contain her emotions. She was failing.
"No. No, Lucas!" She pulled her hands out of his grasp and took a step back. "I was in love with you! I was praying you would somehow love me more than here. Instead, I watched as you proved me right when you walked into Peyton's arms that night. I walked in on you two having sex! I fucking had to read your book claiming that you were always in love with her and that everything else had just been your own denial! That's all I was to you, Luke?"
She's hysterically sobbing now. She bridged the distance between them. Her fists collided with her chest as she took out her frustration.
"No, no!" He tries to grab her hands to calm her. The only thing he wanted to do was hold her in his arms.
"Let go of me!" She chokes through her tears. "You lost that chance. You married Peyton and you forgot all about me!"
"That's not true!"
"Really? Where were you after I was attacked in my store? Where were you when I was so depressed that I couldn't even get out of bed? I found out I can probably never have kids. Where were you then?" Her voice nearly gave out as she openly admitted all the things that haunted her.
He squinted trying to process what he had just heard. His heart felt like it might literally drop out of his chest. Nauseous teased him. His head was spinning.
"I was supposed to save you." Any composure he had held up until this point was gone. The tears refused to stop falling.
He stared at a recycling sign that had been placed next to the picnic table. His blood was boiling as he weighed how angry he was at himself. Balling his hand into a fist, he punched the metal sign, again and again.
The throbbing pain in his fist was nothing compared to how he felt. He flexed his pulsating hand. She placed his hand in between hers.
"I knew something was wrong. The way you were acting. I knew you didn't fall down the steps. I never asked because I was afraid of the answer. I knew that if I heard you admit that someone," he grimaced at the thought of someone hurting her, "attacked you, I would have lost it. Brooke, I," He can't finish because his tears silence him.
"I know." She rubbed his hand soothingly.
He pulled his hand back slowly and brought it to her stomach. She flinched at his touch. He hadn't touched her in so long.
"When did you find out you can't have kids?" He whispered. Learning of her attack had angered him. It made him want to find whoever did that to her and hurt him as much as he possibly could. But, learning that Brooke couldn't have children just broke him. Brooke was supposed to be a mother. It was her dream. And it was taken away from her.
"About a month before you and Peyton separated."
"I'm so sorry."
She didn't say anything.
"Hey." He said weakly as he grabbed her chin. Their lips came crashing together. Their tears collided. And if for just one second, they were one again.
She stepped back all the while keeping her eyes closed.
"I can't." She shook her head as her eyes were dark with despair.
"Do you love me?" His eyes pleaded with her for the truth.
"I'm marrying Julian."
"Tell me you don't love me, Brooke. Tell me he makes happier than I ever did. And I'll walk away."
"We all made our choices, Luke. I can't do this."
I can't do this anymore.
She turned to walk away. Darkness was closing in around him.
"Brooke!"
Her body froze, but she never turned back around.
"I won't back down! Not this time."
She made her way to her car. He watched as her tail lights drifted further and further away. And then he was alone.