Reaching for the Stars
Part I, Chapter 7
On the way to Satoshi's School
Friday – The day of the Make-up Exams
Darn it was cold… Snow was falling all around my as I trod through the sidewalk buried in whiteness, leaving large footsteps in the shape of my winter boots. It was definitely colder than the other days, but I tried not to let that get me down. In reality though, I wanted to go back home, but there was something I still needed to do. There was no turning back now
Today was the day of the make-up exams. Everyone's rooting for me, I told myself. I have to do my best. That determination kept me warm as I made my way towards my school, but a lingering fear nibbled at me from the back of my mind. What if I didn't pass? Nah… don't think like that. Shaking my head, I carried on to my classroom; the battlefield of my fate.
As a graduating middle-school student, I was taking five courses; Mathematics, Integrated Sciences, Japanese, English and Social Sciences. This means that I would have to write five make-up exams in this run. The make-up exam would be written on a stretch of three days; one exam today, two on Saturday and the last two on Sunday. What a hassle… On top of that, my father expects no less than perfection. I have to prove my worth! An impossible feat, but I might as well give it a shot. Taking out my ball pen, I wrote my name on the top-left corner of the sheet and started answering the questions. The exam for the day was Integrated Science.
Integrated Science and I have had a little bit of a history. My grades in that subject have been volatile throughout my stay in this school, but more often than not get borderline grades in the subject. The highest grade I've ever achieved in that subject was a B- and I tell you my dad has always been pissed at me because of it. This time though, I felt like it was going to be different. Everything was going well for that exam. The multiple choice questions were simple enough and the graphing parts were manageable (Thank God for Francis and his impressive reviewers!). At that rate, I was going to get an 'A' for sure! My heart pounded as the long-awaited prize seemed to be in reach. This hopefulness of mine however would soon be tarnished as the problem solving portion rolled in.
The moment I saw those damn questions before me, I was dumbfounded. I knew I prepared for this but somehow the information was jammed up in my head. It was as if a traffic accident happened in the avenues of my mind. I couldn't think straight… I started panicking.
Calm down Satoshi… you can do this. Everyone helped you prepare for this, so it should be fine. Just breathe easy… breathe slowly.
This wasn't helping.
Despite my best efforts not to worry, my heart was pounded frightened in my head and a bead of sweat trickled down my brow. I couldn't hold the pen in my hand properly and uncomfortably twirled it in my hands. This was bad… I had to get myself together. The exam had three parts, I said trying to console myself. The other two were in the bank, so I just had to try and get some work done so reduce the damage. As soon as I checked the marking scheme though, I was disheartened yet again; the problem solving was 40% of the exam.
60% down, I told myself, trying to save myself from the brink of desperation. I have 60%, meaning a D. The passing mark is C, translating to 70%, so I just needed to get at least one or two of them right to be safe. As soon as I started calculating my mark though, I started to remember the numbers in the multiple choice and graphing portions I was on the fence about. If I got some of them wrong, then I'd have to do more problem-solving questions to compromise! This wasn't helping me at all.
Twenty minutes. That was how much time was left before the end of the exam. For the past few minutes, I had been staring blankly at the stack of papers that was the third part of the exam. Aside from my name and sparse dead-end attempts to answer the questions, the paper remained empty. I couldn't think straight at all and I was starting to lose hope. I knew exactly what the questions were asking for and how to solve for them, but the myriad of Science equations spiraled in around my head dizzying me. I knew the equations but I didn't know how to use them… I was so frustrated at myself. There I was, on the brink of an 'A', on the brink of showing everyone what I'm made off, on the brink of making everyone happy for a change… and now, I'm about to fail my first make-up exam.
I could just let this exam pass me by, I thought to myself. If I did that and got a D here, the mark that would appear on my final report card would be the C I originally got. The same could be said about the other subjects since I didn't have a grade lower than C. I've already passed the school year. I'm going to graduate. However, simply passing wasn't the point of that exam. No, this exam has a lot more at stake than it seems. My place in this world is what's at stake. Who is Satoshi Tainaka? That's what I'm trying to prove here. If I can't take a hold of my life now, how do I face everyone else!?
I shouldn't fail. I mustn't fail. I can't fail. Not now.
Grasping my pen, I went through the questionnaire and started penning in a blitz. Rather than writing equations and whatnot, I explained however I interpreted the question and what I would've done had I known which equations to use. I may not know the uses of most of those damn equations, but I'm not giving up without a fight! I carried on like this for the next fifteen minutes and was able to 'answer' everything. Integrated Science was finished, but a strange fear had subtly carved a hole in my heart.
My hand was sore from writing as I headed out of the classroom, and I knew I did everything I could. However, I knew that everyone would've been disappointed at me. That 'A' was so close, yet so far. I let that chance slip away, and was probably able to manage a C+ at best thanks to some hasty countermeasures, but it was overall a disappointing performance. Francis and Kouji paid close attention to Integrated Science when we studied together… how can I tell them that our effort has gone to waste? How can I tell Ritsu that I've let father down yet again… If a C is all I'm gonna get from all this, then I might as well drop the make-up and get this year over with… I didn't want to humiliate myself any further. Putting my hands in my pockets, I stepped out of the school building and headed home.
What was happening to me? It wasn't always like this… Many years ago, my grades were pretty good, I remembered having a lot of friends… and most importantly, my parents loved me the way I am. Somehow, someday, all of that drifted away. My grades crumbled… my friends grew distant… and… my parents' expectations became unbearable. Melancholy had swept throughout my person and the depression made the harsh winter cold many times colder. In that cold, I was so disappointed in myself… and I felt terribly alone.
The wind picked up in the street, making the temperature drop even more. The cold pierced through my bones and my mind grew numb. I felt like I was going to die. No. I felt like was already dead. I didn't want to face everyone after what had happened today. I let them down… I'm a disappointment…
I closed my eyes and the world was covered in darkness. The cold enveloped me, slowly cradling me to sleep. I stood there on the sidewalk as I grew lightheaded. If I stayed like this any longer… I could die. I wanted to move but…
Suddenly, a voice called me from the void.
"Satoshi-kun?"
A familiar voice… I opened my eyes.
"Azusa-chan…"
It was her.
"Satoshi-kun, you don't look too well." She said, "You alright?"
"It's very cold…" I said, feeling the prickling frost all around me, "that's all…"
"Come, we shouldn't stay outside when it's this cold." she said grabbing my arm, "The mall's nearby. We can warm up in there."
Without another word, the two of us headed to the mall. For some strange reason, the weather was much colder than before. I expected a temperature of negative five degrees that afternoon, but this weather felt like negative twenty. My jacket simply wasn't enough to handle that cold. Looking at Azusa-chan, she too seemed quite cold. We had to hurry.
"Hurry inside you two," a security guard cried as the two of us approached the mall doors, "get in quick!"
He held open the door for us and the two of us rushed in. Before we knew it, warmth embraced us generously. It was a really nice feeling.
"Are you two alright?" the guard asked as we caught our breath
"We're fine sir," I said, "why are you asking?"
"There was a sudden cold snap you see," the guard explained, "the temperature dropped ten degrees or so. People were advised over the radio to stay indoors not too long ago till the snap passes.."
So that's why it was so cold…
"The snap's going to last for about an hour or so, so it would be best if the two of you stay here for now." The guard continued
"I see sir," Azusa-chan said, "that was what he and I were planning to do anyways."
"By the way," the guard added as he fished out a couple of coupons, "you might as well have something to eat while you're here. It must have been rough outside, so take it easy now."
The two of us then took one coupon each. "Thanks a lot Mr…"
"Narita," the guard introduced, "Hayato Narita. Mall cop."
Both of us gave the kind man a courteous nod and he lowered his hat in response. The man then got back to his patrols around the mall.
"What a nice guy…" I said looking at the coupon. It was a coupon for a Mike Donald's meal. Just looking at the coupon made my stomach grumble. We followed the guard's advice and headed over to the food court. The idea of a hot meal seemed really appetizing at the moment after all.
As we ate, memories of the exam I just wrote resurfaced on my mind. I sighed dejectedly, looking around aimlessly. Azusa-chan watched me with concern and knew something was going on.
"What's on your mind Satoshi-kun?" Azusa-chan asked worriedly, "You seem really out of it. You haven't even touched your food either... C'mon, tell me."
"Ah, I'm sorry. I was just spacing out." I then picked up my burger and took a big chomp off it. I know she's a friend too, but I really didn't feel like talking about it right now.
"You're not answering me." She continued, noticing that I was avoiding her question.
"Do I really have to tell you?"
Her only response was a determined glare underlined with concern. I couldn't keep it from her any longer.
"Fine, I'll tell you." I said lowering my head dejectedly.
Facing the girl, I told her my story. I told her about how much I envied Ritsu and her band. I told her about how much I hated my father for scolding me, and how disappointed I was in my mother for not doing anything. Everyone was judging me for everything I do and I became afraid of them. I wanted to be better than Ritsu, Francis and Kouji… I wanted to impress my father and to comfort my mother… If not, I'd just be looked down upon.
Looking at Azusa-chan as I spoke, I could see that she wanted to say something, but no words came from her lips. Turning away from her, I continued my bleak story. I told her about the make-up exam and how badly I did on the very first one. That was my last chance to redeem myself, I told her, but I just crashed and burned. "I'm a disappointment."
"You know what Satoshi-kun," Azusa-chan said turning my head towards her again and making her eyes meet mine, "the more you think you're a disappointment, the more you become one."
I was left speechless as she held my face before hers. Before I could say anything else, she let go and smiled.
"Let me tell you something Satoshi-kun. I know how you feel. I really do. Before I joined Afterschool Tea Time, I felt really small and insignificant. I wanted to be a great guitarist so that I can play with a band someday. I knew that I had some talent, having played the electric guitar for quite a while already, but I was afraid of what the other band members would think of me. I was a shy person after all, and I was afraid of making mistakes. If I made mistakes, I felt like I couldn't forgive myself.
I avoided people and I was alone throughout most of middle school because of that. Even in my first few days of High School, I was like that. Looking back at it, it was awfully lonely, I tell you. Just because you graduate Middle School doesn't mean you can escape the problems you left behind. They stay with you until you do something about them.
My fears were holding me back… I couldn't do a thing. My life fell stagnant. I was standing on the same spot afraid to move forward. All that changed though when I joined your sister's band. They were looking for a second guitarist and were kind enough to let me try out. Truth be told, they were psyched and I joined them immediately. The point I'm trying to make is… the only thing holding me down was myself. That's why I was afraid. If I let that fear overwhelm me, I never would've been part of 'Afterschool Tea Time' and I don't know what would've happened to me."
"I didn't know about that side of you." I said thinking about what she had said
"Now you know." Azusa-chan said determinedly, "Don't let your fears get the better of you. Francis-san and Kouji-san, Ritsu and the girls and I… all of us ARE rooting for you, but we won't ever look down at you for something like that. We all know you're a good person. Grades won't change the way we see you… we all love you as friends and that's all that matters. Okay?"
"Yeah." I said scratching the back of my head, "I guess I was just being hard on myself."
"See?" Azusa-chan said happily, "So cheer up Satoshi-kun? You can do this!"
"Right." I replied clenching my fist, "Thanks."
"No prob." Azusa-chan said with a smile. She then reached into her bag and took out a flyer, "Before I forget though, take a look at this."
I took the flyer and read it out loud.
"Live house performance, featuring Love Crisis, PunkMatic*, Afterschool Tea Time and many more. When: December 20 (Friday). Where: Town Square. Entrance fee: 400 kinsu… 400 kinsu!?"
"We're giving some of the proceeds to help the earthquake victims in Haiti*." Azusa-chan explained, "It's for a good cause!"
"Ah, I see." I said reviewing the flyer, "I'd be happy to watch your show."
"Great!" Azusa-chan said, "You see… I was inspired to join 'Afterschool Tea Time' when they performed for our freshman orientation gathering. I just thought that we might be able to inspire you too."
The two of us smiled at each other then got on to finishing our meals. The cold snap finally passed and Azusa-chan and I parted ways. I headed home feeling a lot better. Azusa-chan's right. I can't let this get me down. Grades do not define a man… his actions do. If I give up, then I really will be a disappointment. That's why I must keep walking, moving forward without looking back.
To Be Continued
Haiti* - The island nation of Haiti was devastated by a strong earthquake and many groups are making the effort of sending aid and help to the beleaguered people. Show them your support!
PunkMatic* - A punk band parodying Punk-o-Matic.