Episode 7

Veigar walked through sliding doors of LOLmart and scanned the store. It seemed even messier than before, with rubber chew toys, packs of scattered dog food, and random debris strewn throughout the aisles.

"Ahri, what the hell happened to the store? It like ten times dirtier than it was yesterday."

Ahri looked up from her issue of National Geographic and waved. "Oh hey, Morning Veigy."

"Good morning? That's all you have to say to my question?"

"Huh? What do you mean?" Ahri looked at Veigar quizzically.

"Well I asked you a question, maybe you should answer it?"

"The question you just asked or some other question?"

"Ahri, can't you ever pay attention when I'm asking you something?"

Ahri stared at the ceiling blankly, thinking to herself. "Were you talking about that thing you said when you first walked into the store?"

"What did you think I was talking about?"

"That was just another question. You're confusing me Veigy!"

Veigar closed his eyes, sighed loudly, and rubbed his temples in annoyance. "Ok, well in any case Ahri, I hired a janitor to come clean this place up. He should be here shortly, so try not to make this place any messier than it already is, ok? We don't want to scare him away."

Ahri gasped in mock astonishment. "Wow, you finally hired a janitor? What's he like? Is he hot?"

Just then, the sliding doors of LOLmart opened, and a mysterious floating man wrapped in purple strips of cloth hovered in.

Veigar put his hands together in satisfaction, greeted the man, then turned to Ahri. "Great! This is the janitor I was just talking about. He's actually here early, which is something you've never done. Ahri, meet Malzahar. Malzahar, Ahri."

Ahri smiled at the purple hooded man and waved. "Hi Malzahar."

Malzahar raised both his hands in triumph. "Praise the Great One! I have reached my final destination. Here, the will of the void shall be ordained!"

"Umm, ok...it was nice meeting you too," Ahri replied, a puzzled look on her face.

Veigar turned to Malzahar. "Alright, well you know what to do right? Get cleaning, the broom's in the back."

"As you wish, dark master." Malzahar hovered towards the back of the store, muttering incoherently about some sort of void prophecy.

Veigar smiled. "You know, I could get used to this guy. Dark Master's a definite start."

"Umm, Veigy, are you sure this is a good idea? He seems kinda creepy." Ahri said.

"Nonsense Ahri. Look at the initiative he's showing! I'm looking forward to finally walking into a nice, clean store tomorrow." A loud clang sounded towards the back of the store. Veigar glanced towards the noise, and squinted his eyes. "Wait, what is he doing with the broom?"

Malzahar roared loudly in anger, then broke the broom in half. He raised one of the broken ends high into the air, screamed some gibberish, then jammed it into the floor. A dark, mysterious portal appeared, and two tiny void-like bugs stepped out from them. He growled in satisfaction and spread his arms out wide.

"Go forth, my brethren, and purge this fortress of all it's impurities! We must prepare ourselves for the arrival of the Great One!"

The two little voidlings began scurrying throughout the store, picking up random debris and throwing it into the dark portals to the void that Malzahar had opened up.

"Umm, where did you say you found him again?" Ahri asked.

Veigar didn't answer the question, and instead just stared at the scene blankly, almost as if he'd lost all hope in humanity. "He...he just needs time to settle in, that's all. Yes, just some more time to get used to everything," Veigar mumbled to himself hopefully.

The doors to LOLmart slid open again, and another man stepped in. His body was covered in brimstone, and tiny little fires flared throughout his body.

"Welcome to LOLmart # 77! My name's Ahri, how can I help you?" Ahri called out cheerfully.

The man walked over to the counter nervously. "Ahem! Yes, well, do you happen to know who I am?"

Ahri looked at the man. "Of course, you're Brand, the burning vengeance."

"Damnit!" Brand replied. "Alright, guess I have no other choice. Do you, err..." Brand glanced nervously at Veigar and pointed to him. "Does he really have to be here?"

"Veigy? Well, he's the store manager, so it's not like I can tell him to leave. Besides, I think he's having a panic attack right now. He kinda just stands there and mumbles to himself whenever he has one."

Brand cleared his throat nervously. "Alright, whatever. Anyway, what I came here for is, err, well...do you guys carry, ahem, hemorrhoid creams?"

Ahri smiled reassuringly at Brand. "Of course we do, we couldn't be a convenience store without it. Just follow me and we can get your little problem fixed right away!"

Ahri led Brand down to the medicine aisle. Along the way, she glanced casually at Malzahar the janitor, who had captured a rubber chew toy in his hands and had been glaring angrily at it. With a mighty BLAAAARGH, he shot out a dark purple energy beam from his eyes, which struck the rubber toy, causing it to let out a tortured little squeal before being incinerated in a cloud of nether flames. "You shall no longer defile the mighty fortress of the Great One!" he exclaimed in triumph.

"Don't mind him, he's just our janitor," Ahri explained to Brand. Ahri led Brand further down the aisle, then stopped in front of some small medicine tubes. She picked one up and handed it to Brand. "Here you go. This is our own store brand. I've heard it uses a new patented ingredient that cures hemorrhoids 50% faster than the national brands."

Brand the burning vengeance glanced at the tube of cream he held in his hands. It read:

BUTT-ON MIRACLE HEMORRHOID CREAM. APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE BUTT CHEEKS FOR INSTANT, SOOTHING RELIEF. PATENT PENDING. CAUTION: FLAMMABLE.

"Alright," Brand said happily. "Looks good. Hey, do you mind if I try this out now? You guys have a bathroom where I can err, use this thing in private?"

"Of course, it's right there." Ahri pointed in the direction of the men's bathroom, and Brand headed towards it. Ahri walked back to the counter and picked up her copy of National Geographic. She looked over at Veigar, who was still staring blankly at Malzahar, mumbling incoherently to himself. She shrugged, and started reading her magazine.

The sound of an explosion suddenly rocked the store, and Ahri looked up, surprised. The men's bathroom door burst open violently, and coils of crimson flame shot out chaotically. From the flames Brand emerged, covered in intense, burning coils of fire. He held out the tube of hemorrhoid cream.

"Fools! This cream is able to magnify my flames to a new level of power, never before seen in Runeterra. With the power of this cream, I shall finally be able to exact my vengeance on the League of Legends! And what's more, I shall never suffer from hemorrhoids ever again. AHHAHAHAHAHA!" Buoyed by his newfound power, Brand continued to laugh hysterically. He ran over to the medicine aisle and grabbed all the Butt-On medicine tubes.

Malzahar caught a glimpse of the mighty flames emanating from Brand, raised his hands, and cried out in reverence. "Thank the void! The prophecy has been fulfilled, the Great One has finally come! I, Malzahar, your loyal servant, shall serve you to the ends of the earth! All praise the Great One, who shall bring down wrath upon the world!"

Brand laughed maniacally and shot out a giant fireball at the sliding glass doors of LOLmart, shattering them to pieces in a thundering explosion. He and Malzahar ran out of the store together, with Malzahar continually shouting prayers into the air while Brand shot out massive plumes of fire haphazardly at his surroundings. Screams of panic could be heard as ordinary citizens ran for cover from the onslaught.

Ahri bit her lip and glanced at Veigar. "Umm, Veigy, they walked out without paying for anything. I'm not gonna get in trouble for this, am I?"

Veigar just stared blankly ahead and started walking towards his office. "Ahri. Just call the fire department. And get us a corporate lawyer, please. Use the Mundocorp emergency hotline. Call it a hunch, but I smell a lawsuit coming on. If there's anything else, tell them to redirect it to general customer service. I'm gonna go kill myself now, ok?"

Veigar walked into the office and slammed the door. Ahri stuck out her tongue in distaste. "Ugh, Mundocorp? They put you on hold forever." She picked up the phone, and started dialing numbers.

Yay, 10,000 views! I know this hasn't been updated in awhile, but it's only because I've been busy with life + other stories! I will get to this once I finish Runeheart. In the meantime, I wrote another little short episode. Hope you enjoyed, and as always, thanks for reading!