Reaching for the Stars

Part II, Chapter 4

Azusa Nanako's House [ O ]

A solitary figure sits silently on the living room sofa, leaning forward as she embraced a pillow in front of her and rested on it limply. Her eyes drooped down to the ground and rings were forming underneath her eyes, a result of blatant lack of sleep. She has sitting there doing nothing for the past four days now, standing up only for her daily meals or for her basic necessities. All this time, she had never left her house and just sat there staring at the floor.

Sitting on a coffee table before her was an opened magazine she used to enjoy reading. Every time her eyes saw met with those of the people featured on the volume, chills ran up her spine and she turned away, tears running down her eyes. Featured on that page was her upperclassman and friend Ritsu Tainaka, embracing her surprised younger brother, Satoshi Tainaka; the boy who died four days ago. This boy had been close to her; too close to be called just friends, but too distant to be called lovers. No matter how people looked at it, the fact that this person she had been close to had died was devastating to her. She remembers the night he died vividly, haunting her dreams every time she tries to sleep. That scene was burned into her mind, not giving her a moment of repose.

She remembered how angrily Satoshi lashed at his parents and how disappointed he felt about her, and their whole band. She remembered how he rushed up to his room, not minding their pleas for him to calm down. She remembered how she saw an inkling of him riding a rickety mountain bike into the night. The next day, that same mountain bike was seen impaled into the sheets of ice that layered a frozen lake. The boy died that day, she told herself, and that she had a part in his death. She couldn't rest easy thinking about that somber thought, but she couldn't, as much as she wanted to, ignore them either.

Before that sad incident, she saw signs of Satoshi's dissatisfaction with the way his life was going. She had many chances to ease the suffering he felt, but she never really took it too seriously. Instead, she encouraged him to move forward; moving forward, not specifying which direction he should be moving in. His drive for freedom brought him to the bottom of a frozen lake. He had felt cold while he was still alive, he told her once, but not he was encased in a casket of frigid water and ice. It was her fault; she repeated to herself, it was her fault.

She had held his hand once, she remembered. Now, as she saw the spaces between her fingers, she felt empty. Why didn't she do anything, she asked herself, why did she let go?

As these thoughts hounded her mind, the doorbell rang breaking the silence. She was startled, of course, but she didn't move from where she sat. She didn't want to move from where she sat. She didn't want to move forward again, not after what had happened four days ago. All that awaited her moving forward was the dismal reality; she didn't want that. She wanted to stay there and never move forward again.

The door bell rang again, then a third time and a fourth. Nobody else was going to answer the door; her whole family went out for the day and she refused to go with them. The bell rang a fifth time and she realized she'd have to open it herself. She opened the door to reveal four figures clad in heavy jackets; the members of Afternoon Tea Time.

"AZU-NYAN~!" Yui Hirasawa cried as she immediately clung on to Azusa

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" She cried as she struggled to break free of the guerilla embrace. Not only was she feeling crushed, Yui's jacket felt terribly cold too. She'd been trying to warm herself up for the longest of times too, so she was quite irritated. Thankfully, Yui let go not too long after. Her band mates left their coats and boots by the doorway and she led them to her living room where she brought them some tea.

"Azu-nyan…" Yui said with a worried expression as she sipped her tea, "you haven't been coming to our meetings lately."

"I'm sorry." Azusa said with a forced laugh, "I've been busy…"

"Ah, what's this?" Tsumugi said, eyeing the magazine sprawled out on the coffee table before them, "Popular artists and their siblings… ah! It's the pop magazine."

"Really!?" Yui asked, nearly dropping her tea cup, "Oh cool! Look! Look! Ui and I are featured here!"

True enough, Yui was shown on the opened page with her younger sister Ui Hirasawa. Yui looked completely surprised, and it looked like Yui was the younger one among them.

"But the picture beside it is…" Mio said pointing to the page beside it, "Isn't that Ritsu and…"

"Satoshi-kun…" Ritsu said with a tone of melancholy, "yeah…"

"You're still sad about Satoshi-kun, aren't you…" Yui said facing Azusa. Azusa could only nod as she embraced her pillow tighter. A moment of silence followed as Azusa closed her eyes, unable to prevent a lone tear from sliding down her cheek. Seeing how their friend reacted, the other band members looked at each other in panic. Ritsu however remained calm. Azusa felt this, not hearing Ritsu's voice among the panicked discussion, and it made her quite puzzled.

"Azusa." Ritsu then said in that calm tone, "Satoshi-kun isn't dead… I don't have any proof. I don't have any evidence, but that is what I believe."

"How can you say that!?" Azusa demanded, her closed eyelids now unable to hold back the tears, "You saw it with your own eyes Ritsu… he left us… he died!"

"I know you may think its weird… or that I'm just too selfish and too afraid to accept what is right in front of me," Ritsu replied emotionally, "but something deep inside tells me Satoshi-kun is still alive… he's still out there."

"I can't believe you're saying these things Ritsu…" Azusa replied, feeling a lot worse, "Isn't it obvious yet…?"

"But Riichan's right," Yui added, "It's too early to tell what really happened…"

"You still insist on that!" Azusa cried desperately, "Now, he's trapped under ice, dead and cold! How would you feel if you find out that he really is dead, huh guys? We're also to blame for his death, you know? If we had only done something, then this might not have happened! It's better for us to let go… it's what we should do… it's the least we could do… it's the only thing we can do."

Azusa's friends were silenced again, but Ritsu remained as firm as ever.

"I understand that if that were really the case, then I am the one at fault. He was my little brother; my responsibility. It was my job to take care of him and to comfort him when he was troubled… Because I wasn't a good enough sister for him, he ran away and I feel bad about myself for just letting him do that…"

"See!" Azusa shouted, "Then why don't you…"

"But giving up on him now feels like a crime to me! That'd mean that he had every right to run away… that he was never really happy with me, and with all of us here. I refuse to believe that! A person is only truly dead when he or she has been forgotten by the people closest to him. Satoshi-kun is my little brother… I love him and he is my responsibility. Whether he is truly dead or hanging in there somewhere in this country, the moment I choose to forget him is the time he dies. Isn't that all the more reason for me to act… all the more reason for me not to give up!? Even if he is dead, then at least I want him to keep living in me… because of that… I truly believe he's out there. He felt neglected, and that is why he left us. If we can show that we still care, then I'm sure he'll come back one way or another… or at the very least, I'll be able to accept reality better knowing that I tried."

"Ritsu…" Azusa said, moved by her words

"There are many things I want to tell him…" Ritsu said, "I want to show him how hurt father was when he left. He may not have shown it, but he really cared about Satoshi-kun. He just wanted the best for him and wanted him to strive. The situation in my house was terrible after that, but when I talked to my parents and told them how I felt, they were amazed but supportive. Instead of getting weaker, we became stronger as a family. I want to tell him that. I want him to see that there will always be a place for him in our hearts, and that he will live on no matter what. That's why I choose to move forward Azusa… and I ask you to move forward with me."

"Move forward…" Azusa said wiping some tears

"Yeah…" Ritsu added, "My little brother's a clever kid. He won't go down that easily. Knowing him, he's moving forward too… we just have to catch up with him!"

"Is that so…" Azusa said mellowing up, "if that's the case… then count me in."

"Thank you Azusa…" Ritsu said, standing up from where se sat and embracing the girl. The two of them then started to cry.

"We'll find him… the clouds of winter will pass, and we can see the stars again." Ritsu said, speaking in the same way she did when she comforted Satoshi, "And who knows… we might cross paths again soon."

To Be Continued