Title: Validation

Summary: Never the perfect son or student or brother, Raphael does the unthinkable. Away from the lair and into an allegiance with Shredder, honor is replaced by his pronounced desire for validation.

Disclaimer: I have no ownership ties to the TMNT fandom or anything else I might reference. Credit to those who do.

SPECIAL THANKS TO! Bella13blue, my own personal Nemesis! (Because everybody needs one.) MY Nemesis has been a good friend; she's a great soundboard and has been kind enough to encourage and offer suggestions on my work for this fic.

Author's Notes: Longer than the last chapter; ergo, I'm happy.

Questions or comments, submit via review or PM. Thank you.

CH 43

With a bit of bribery to his youngest brother, Leo had finally managed to get some time with Raph during an episode of Seinfeld, though he kept quiet during the show and only spoke during commercials: an attempt at some form of etiquette and respect.

And, as a mundane insurance advertisement drew on, Leonardo turned to look at Raph with his usual stoicism long gone and replaced by brotherly affection. "We've all been ecstatic to have you around, Raph."

"S'been alright, I guess," Raph responded simply, reaching a hand up to scratch lightly at his neck.

Leo hesitated, then- "I hate to bring this up so soon, but have you given any thought about-"

"The television," Raph interrupted, causing Leo to frown. With a sigh, the emerald-skinned mutant elaborated. "You're worried 'cause I ain't going back with you guys, right? Ya want some kind of assurance that I'm alright. Well, check the NEWS. I know you guys watch it. Keep an eye on that, and I'll make sure ya get a weekly message so ya know I ain't croaked or been captured. Fair enough?"

Leo closed his eyes and drew in slow calming breaths, trying to grasp the words he needed. "I suppose so. But I was hoping for something more along the lines of a face-to-face encounter."

Raph sighed heavily and propped his feet up on the coffee table, crossing his ankles and lacing his fingers behind his head. "Leonardo, ya ain't my leader, alright? If you say 'jump,' odds are: I ain't gonna jump. It ain't gonna be that way. If ya want somethin', come right out and say it; then, I'll consider it, but I ain't makin' no promises. I ain't a damn puppet."

"Alright, Raph, but what if I said that I was worried about my little brother? My brother... who has been gone for months and won't tell me where he's been or what he's been up to? What if I said that I miss him?"

Raphael fell silent for a moment, and it had nothing to do with the fact that the commercial break had ended. He closed his eyes tightly and searched for the response he needed to give. "I'd say..." he paused, hesitating. Then, opening his eyes and locking his gaze with that of the older turtle, he continued. "I'll make it work. Alright? I'll try ta see ya. I'll make the effort, okay?"

Leo nodded, watching his brother's eyes to gauge his sincerity. "What about Don and Mike? They've been a mess without you."

"They're fine, Leader-Boy. They got you. They got the rat. They got each other."

Without missing a beat, Leonardo cut in: "And who do you have, Raph?" When he didn't get an immediate answer, he pressed on. "You've got me. You always will. Remember that. I know I haven't been the best brother or leader, but-"

"Don't ya dare start that self-depreciation shit," Raph griped, his voice taking on a frustrated note. "You're a fuckin' ninja, and a damn good one at that. You've got this unbreakable code of honor. You've got a family that looks up to ya. And you still can't be satisfied with what ya got. It's pretty damn annoying. Mr Perfect. Splinta Junior. Still ain't happy with himself. Oh, poor-fuckin'-you. Boo-freakin'-hoo. I'm tired of hearin' about it."

"Raph-"

"No, you listen here, Leo, and you listen good." Raph's eyes narrowed into slits as he turned to lean closer to the blue-banded turtle, their beaks inches apart. "Ya got it made. You've gone yer whole life as close to the limelight as possible, being favored by yer sensei, takin' up the leader-role, and ya go through battle after fuckin' battle with your honor still intact. Why ain't that enough fer ya?" As he spoke Raphael's voice rose in pitch and his breathing picked up. A familiar bitterness began to cloud his judgement, but he reigned control. He scooted back on the couch, needing to put a little distance between himself and the older reptile. For a moment, it hurt to breathe. His head throbbed, and he wanted to continue his venting, but he held it back.

Now was not the time for him to lose his cool.

Leo was quiet for a few beats, working to digest what had been said while letting Raphael calm down. Then, "I'd give it all up," he said, voice slightly strained. "For you. For the family. Nothing else matters to me anymore. Not being leader, not my honor, and-"

"Don't make me hit ya, Leo. For fuck's sake, just don't. I ain't gonna be here long, so... can't we just... shut up... and-"

"And, enjoy each other's company?" Leo asked, attempting to finish his brother's sentence.

Wordlessly, Raphael gave a curt nod.

After that, the two sat in companionable silence and watched the show play out.

Then, when the sitcom came to a close, Raphael surprised Leo with a quiet proposition. "The roof. The hotel roof. I'll try ta meet with ya there. Face to face, okay? I don't know when, or how often, but I'll see ya. And we can spar, or talk, or patrol, or whatever."

"Just you and I? Or, are Mike and Don welcome too?"

Raph didn't answer. Instead, he just took on a deeply contemplative look uncharacteristic of the hothead Leo had grown up with.

Minutes passed in silence, which started out comfortable enough but quickly grew stale and awkward.

Another show came on television.

Raphael handed the remote to Leo, wordlessly giving him authority to change the channel if he chose to. It was an odd gesture, seemingly meaningless, but it made the blue-masked ninja smile. Because, while anyone else might have thought nothing of the offer and simply changed the channel, Leo was able to see it as an act of credence.

The channel remained unchanged for several minutes to come, until Raphael shifted restlessly, growing bored from physical inactivity; only then did Leo idly begin flipping through the channels, stopping as a NEWS report played out.

"And I am here with yet another citizen who claims to have been saved by a green vigilante-"

Hearing the reporter speak, both turtles exchanged grins that varied in degree.

Raph was the first to speak. "The crime rate in the city, it's goin' down. And I'm gonna make sure it keeps doin' that."

Leo nodded, eyes on the television but ears on his brother. "I have noticed, Raph. Especially with the lacking Foot activity. Is that your doing?"

To this, Raphael offered another grin, but the amusement didn't reach his eyes.

"Well, whatever you've been doing, I'm sure it's worth it. You wouldn't stray away from the family for a petty reason." It was a statement, but there was a slight undertone suggesting that it very well could double as a question also.

If Raph noticed the undertone, he gave no acknowledgement. "Y'know," he said after a long minute, "I got it all figured out, I think."

"Does that mean you'll come home, eventually?" Leo had to chance the question; he kept his voice calm, but inside, he was pleading. They all needed to be a family again; there was no doubt about that. They needed it so much, it hurt.

The answer he got, however, was Raphael lowering his own voice and saying: "I know what I'm doin', alright? But the Lair ain't an option. That damn sewer ain't a home; it's a dungeon. And the rat ain't exactly a-" Hearing a sharp intake of breath on Leo's behalf, Raph stopped himself from continuing that sentence. Instead, he tried to get his point across another way. "Splinter..." This time, as he spoke, his words were slow, cautious, and just speaking the name made his gut roll and his head ache. Made him sick to the point of feeling bile rise in his throat. But he ignored the nausea and pressed on. "Splinter was my teacher, my sensei."

"And he's our father," Leo added quietly, voice barely audible so as not to interrupt but still get his point across.

Raph ignored it. "He taught me a lot, but he ain't taught me enough. And I can't learn from someone who readily expects me to fuck up. He ain't had no faith in me, and I ain't got any in him. And you know damn well, if I went back there, there would be hugs and tears; then everyone would freak if I so much as tried ta go topside alone fer a few hours. It ain't right. And I won't go back ta that shit. I ain't nobody's prisoner."

That conversation died there with Leo not quite sure of a proper response. He lowered his gaze and tried to block out the sounds of the television as he worked to sort through his thoughts. Because, Raphael would make no attempt to go home; that much was obvious, and it hurt. He was the leader. He was the eldest brother. It was his job to be supportive and pull everyone together, to offer guidance and be there for everyone. He was supposed to be strong, Fearless, but all he amounted to in his own eyes was failure.

Like any artist, he could only look at his work and point out the flaws, even when others focused on the beauty.

Leo could perfect a kata or come up with a combative strategy, but he could never find the right way to handle his dark-skinned brother. Honestly, he was beginning to think that there was no correct way, no secret strategy, no cheat code. And to acknowledge this further berthed his failure.

Then... "Lighten up, Fearless. Yer too tense. April got a chess set, er somethin'? I'll play against ya."

That caught the leader by surprise, causing him to raise an eyeridge. "You play chess? Isn't that more up Don's alley?"

Raph shrugged. "Maybe, but if I played against him, I'd lose. At least if I play you, I've got a pretty clear shot at winning."

Leo chuckled at that, tension all but gone. "I'm sure April has one. We'll play. But I don't want you to get mad when I win."

"Get the board and setup, Fearless."

"Fair enough, Hothead."

"Shucks, ya think I'm hot? I'm flattered."

"Well, once we set up, you're going to be toast."

"Ya mean, like the toaster ya always break? Or, riiiight, it was the microwave this time."

"Don't make me ask Mikey to lick your head again, because I will."

Stress promptly ignored, Leo fetched the chess set. The board lain across the coffee table, each turtle set up their own pieces.

"Bitch goes on her own color," Raph commented, catching Leo off guard.

"Come again?" Leo queried.

"The boobless wonder," Raph responded, reaching over and switching Leo's King and Queen to their correct squares. "Do I need ta explain the rules?" He asked, half serious and half joking.

"I think I know how to play."

...three games later, Leo pressed his face into his hands to hide his shame.

"My horsey moves here... and... checkmate. So, I win."

Pulling his hands away, Leo surveyed the board before huffing indignantly and affirming: "Yeah, you've won. All three games. Maybe you should play Don."

"And maybe I'm just tryin' ta spend time with ya."

Without another word, the board was set up again.

...

[Next chapter up soon.]