[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Welcome back, my dear readers. Thank you for the reviews, you left me on the last chapter. I feel blessed to have such supportive readers.

Today's chapter is dedicated to Tigerforce and NoPros.

**43**

Bella could feel her fingers beginning to get numb. Still she didn't dare to move her hand from Rosalie's too tight grasp. Her girlfriend had finally stopped crying. Now, she was speaking to the doctor, asking the man the same questions again and again. It was like Rose was hoping to get a different answer from him, if she just asked often enough.

"Miss Hale." The doctor stated in a very calm voice. "I'm very sorry about your loss. Maybe you would like to talk to one of our psychologists?"

Rosalie sniffed. "I don't want a shrink. I want my mother back."

"Rose, please stop it." Jasper pleaded, wiping some snot from underneath his nose. "Mom is dead."

Bella looked over to Emmett. The entire time, they had been at the hospital now, he hadn't spoken one single word. Instead he starred down at the empty plastic chair across from him. His hands were balled into tight fists.

"Are you sure she killed herself?" Rose asked the doctor. "Maybe it was an accident."

The doctor shook his head no and fumbled around with the stethoscope around his neck. "Your mother took an entire package of sleeping pills. There was also a bigger amount of alcohol in her blood."

"No," Rosalie whispered. "She would never do that. Jasper, Emmett, you need to tell him, Mom would never do such a thing."

Bella pulled Rosalie against her chest and weaved her fingers through Rosalie's tangled hair. "I'm so sorry, honey. Let us go home now. You need to get some rest."

Jasper burst out in tears. "We n-n-need to a-a-arrange the f-f-funeral,"

He barely managed to duck his head when Emmett grabbed a heavy paper weight from the desk between them and threw it into his brother's direction. "Man the fuck up!"

"I can't." Jasper sobbed. "Mom is dead. I can't believe she killed herself. Why didn't she come and talk to me? We talked about everything!"

Emmett slammed his fists against the arm rest of his chair. "Fucking stop it, Jazz. You're not a baby anymore. Stop crying like a bitch or I'll give you something to cry about!"

Alice placed her hand on Emmett's shoulder. "Come with me. We'll go for a walk. Some air will be good for you."

He followed her outside where he kicked a metal trash can with so much force that its entire content got spread around. Then, his fists connected with the concrete of the wall.

"No," Alice whispered. "Please, stop this. You're going to hurt yourself."

She wrapped her arms around his quivering body. He was so angry. It was scaring her.

Like a ragdoll, he collapsed on the ground. A moment later, he grabbed Alice's knees, almost making her buckle over.

"I'm so sorry about your mother." She whispered, petting his hair very lightly. "If you want to cry, you can. Nobody needs to know."

A dry sob reached Alice's ear. Emmett tightened the grip around his dainty girlfriend. Then he cried against the fabric of her dress until the silk fabric was soaked.

xxxx

Bella turned on the light as she and Rosalie entered Lucy's house. The cat rubbed its body against Rosalie's shin.

"Hey, Mr. Jenks," Rosalie mumbled. She lifted him up and rubbed her face against his soft fur. "You're going to miss her too. Won't you?"

The cat snapped, biting Rosalie's hand so hard that she cried out in pain. She let go of the cat that disappeared into the living room.

"Do you need a band aid?" Bella asked, examining Rosalie's hand carefully. She blew gently over the scratch.

"No, I'm fine." Rosalie responded, blowing lightly over the burning scratch on the back of her hand. "Thank you for coming here with me."

"Of course," Bella said. She hugged Rosalie and kissed her hair. "I'll do anything for you. I'm not going to leave you alone in a situation like this."

Rosalie sat down on the stairs. "I don't understand how she could do something like that to us. Why would she kill herself?"

Bella held Rosalie, letting her fingers glide up and down the Blonde's spine. "Stop thinking about it now,"

She made Rose sit down at the couch and went to cook some herbal tea for her in the kitchen. The doctor back in the hospital had given her some tranquilizers to give them to Rose in case it would be necessary.

Throbbing pain flashed through Bella's temples. She searched through the cupboards above the sink, trying to find some Aspirin or other pain meds. Her search wasn't successful. Instead, though, a thick blue-colored envelope fell down on the ground.

To open in case of my death – was written across it in thin, spidery handwriting.

"Rose!" Bella called. "I think you should take a look at this."

Rose rushed inside the kitchen, grabbing the letter from Bella's hands. "What is this?"

Bella coughed. "I think it's her suicide note. God, Rose, I'm so sorry, this happened to you."

The pretty Blonde pressed her lips together. She didn't feel like she had any more tears left to cry now. The pain nagging at her heart was excruciating. Maybe if she had spent more time with her mother. Maybe if she hadn't agitated Lucy with breaking off the engagement with Carlisle…. There were more maybes in Rosalie's mind than she could handle.

She opened the envelope and pulled the sheets of paper out. The ink was smeared on several spots, like Lucy had been crying while she had written the letter.

Rosalie's eyes watered. She had to take out her contacts and search for her glasses in her handbag, noticing that she had left them at Bella's place in Forks.

"Give the letter to me." Bella told Rose, taking the letter from her again. She pulled Rosalie on her lap and kissed her cheek. "No matter what ever happens, I promise to always be here for you."

"I love you Bella," Rosalie whispered, resting her head against Bella's chest. "Can you read the letter to me now?"

xxxx

By the time you're reading this I will already be dead. There is just no way, how I can endure to stay in this world any longer. I can't endure to live with the amount of guilt I've put upon my soul.

My end is near and the only comfort I have is that soon, very soon I shall be reunited with my beloved husband. Jasper is, apart from my children, the only thing truly good that happened to me in my life. Unfortunately, I turned out to be the worst thing that happened to Jasper's life.

Yes, I need to admit it, because there is no way to denying the cruel fact any longer. It's me who brought my dear husband to dead way before his time. It's his love for me that killed him and that guilt will never wash off of me.

Jasper loved me, although he had no reason ever to do so. He pulled me up from the deepest, darkest corner of life. It is such a big deal to become another person's light. Maybe sometimes, when you get too close to the light, you may burn yourself.

But I need to start at the beginning. I need to start at the very beginning of everything. That way, you will be able to fully grasp the consequences of my failure as a human being. I'm going to punish myself. Give the Lord, that the others involved in all of this may get punished as well.

My faith was sealed when I was fourteen and got introduced to a man named Aro Volturi. He was one of the judges at a beauty contest I participated in. On that day, I only made the second place. It was frustrating for a vain teenage girl. I look back and wished that I had just walked down from that stage in dignity. Instead I made a scene, complaining furiously until Aro pulled me into a room behind the stage.

"You seem like an ambitious young woman." He said to me. "Get that temper of yours under control. If you do, I have a very promising offer to make to you."

His offer quickly turned into a threat. It was Aro himself who - broke me in - like he called it. People always wonder why women end up at the corner of dark streets, offering their bodies to whatever men is willing to pay the affordable price.

At first I tried to run away. Aro's men always brought me back a few days later. I couldn't tell my parents. Aro had threatened to kill them, should I ever let them know. I managed to live some kind of double life; preppy school girl at day, street hooker after dark. While my mother thought me to be at cheerleader practice, I was sucking off some disgusting men at the backseat of their cars.

Then, one night, my client and I got caught in the act by two police officers. While one of the cops arrested the man, the other police officer spoke to me. I remember how he went to get two cups of hot chocolate from a cheap coffee shop around the corner to help me warm up a little bit. Jasper was the kindest, most generous man to ever walk the surface of the earth.

Until this day, I have never truly understood why he fell for me. Why he not only fell for me but also, treated me like I was the first prize. Love changes people. It brings out the best or worst in all of us.

But enough of the past, now, it's over. If I knew back then what I know now, I would have spilled that hot chocolate over Jasper's freshly ironed uniform and told him to fuck off.

I hadn't heard Aro's annoyingly nasal voice for over twenty years, when he called me yesterday. Still, the very sound of it, made my entire body quiver with fear.

It was Royce King's fault that this monster that destroyed my innocence was brought back into my life. Maybe monsters get pulled towards each other like magnets. Who knows?

When I met Royce, I had no idea what kind of repulsive creep he was. Then, when I found out, it was too late. One can close their eyes to a lot of things. Because if you pretend long enough, the ugly truth isn't there. It will slowly but surely disappear.

Royce King did things to my poor daughter that I can't even manage to write down here. He's a predator, a sick child molester. I wished I had brought up the courage to kill him or at least sent his pedophilic ass to jail. Instead, I let him blackmail me.

I don't know why, but somehow, Royce managed to find out about my shameful past. For the last years, I have lived in constant fear of him revealing my dark secret to the rest of the world. Now, it finally doesn't longer matter to me. Because nothing matters in comparison to the loss I've suffered when my Jasper was taken away from me.

I blamed his job at the police, even his partner at the time, for his violet death. In truth it was me, who brought him to his early grave.

Aro has confessed to me that he killed my husband. He killed him, like he was just a fly on the desk that bothered him. He laughed when he told me about shooting Jasper.

See? If Jasper had never fallen in love with me, all of this wouldn't have happened. I'm so sorry. I know, it's too late, to say I'm sorry. It doesn't make undone what I did or refused to do.

I hope my children, especially my daughter, will one day be able to forgive me for all my failures. They'll be in my heart, in this life and the next one.

Again, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything.

Lucy