James eyed the cauldron suspiciously.
"Are you sure you want to do this, mate?"
Sirius, who was stirring the potion vigorously, nodded. "I've got to. It can't carry on like this."
He had woken up with his arms empty the morning after Sirius' fight with Remus over the botched prank, which Sirius tried firmly to shut out of his mind. The fight had been distressing, ending with the Sirius holding a sobbing Remus and trying desperately to soothe him. Ever since, Remus had gone out of his way to avoid Sirius, leaving whenever Sirius entered the room and sitting as far away from him as possible.
Presumably, Remus told James and Peter what had happened, because not long afterwards, Peter had forgiven him with a pat on the shoulder and a slightly soggy ham sandwich. James had followed suit not long after. Although it was uncomfortable, it was better than the alternative, Sirius thought.
Sirius had gotten the idea to use liquid luck during Potions. He was nearly falling asleep to Professor Slughorn's drone when a ball of paper hit him in the back of the head. When he turned around, Marlene and Lily were sniggering and pretending to work, but it had woken him up. He turned back to see Professor Slughorn glaring at him and asking if he was quite finished. When people used liquid luck, he learned after that, they were unfathomably lucky for a certain period of time, depending on how strong the potion was, and how much they consumed. Every decision they made was the right one and Slughorn described the feeling as one of the 'endlessly euphoric sort'. The idea came to Sirius – it would be a difficult potion to make, and almost certainly illegal, but it might be worth it.
"It needs a bit of time to stew," he said, peering into the bottom of the cauldron.
They were in an unused classroom, the desks shoved in one corner and the windows closed, to make sure no one noticed the smoke. James covered his mouth with his sleeve and coughed when the potion began to emit puffs of gold-coloured mist.
Sirius sat on the edge of a desk and stared at the cauldron. "Does Remus mind you talking to me?" he asked quietly, without looking up. How Remus was feeling about the whole thing had been on his mind for a while.
James shrugged awkwardly. "He says he's fine with it."
"Yeah, but is he actually?"
James paused and Sirius looked up. "No. No, I don't think so," he said reluctantly.
Silence hung in the air like a heavy blanket after James' words. Neither would make eye contact. Sirius broke the quiet by standing up suddenly, making James jump.
"I think the potion's ready."
"Sirius, are you sure-"
"Yes, James, I'm sure," Sirius interrupted sharply. He grabbed a vial and scooped up some of the potion. The gold glistened almost menacingly.
"Well," Sirius said, holding the vial up in toast. "Bottoms up."
James stayed quiet, but he looked uncertain. When Sirius' face emerged, he was bright-eyed.
"How do you feel?"
"Fantastic!" Sirius exclaimed. James waited, watching the cogs turn in his head. "I'm going down to the lake."
"Wait, Sirius-"
"Fuck off, James," he said, grinning. James felt taken aback – Sirius was talking just as he used to. "I know what I'm doing."
James watched his friend helplessly as he bounded from the room. "I hope this works," he muttered under his breath.
Sirius practically skipped through the corridors, barely noticing the tiny first years he was knocking over. A euphoria ran through him, the adrenaline pounding through his veins. As he burst through the doors, he took a gasp of fresh air and continued to sprint.
When he reached the lake, he stopped abruptly. Dusk was falling, but through the inky darkness, Sirius could make out a figure.
Remus was lying on his front and staring into the water. Sirius could see that the dampness of the earth was soaking through his clothes, but he wasn't sure that Remus had noticed.
To Sirius' surprise as he drew closer, there were no tear stains marking his face.
"It would be easy to jump in, wouldn't it?" Remus said, startling Sirius. His voice seemed loud in the dark night.
"Just to get in and allow the waves to swallow me. It would be so easy." He took a deep breath. "Would anyone miss me?" His posture was relaxed, and his voice soft and despondent.
Sirius felt numb. The euphoria had disappeared. Felix Felicis seemed to have abandoned him; he could find nothing to say.
"Maybe I-"
"Don't jump in," Sirius said suddenly. "Promise me you won't jump in."
Although Remus was not facing Sirius, he could feel the teenager thinking. "Go away, Sirius," he said heavily, and listened to Sirius' retreating footsteps.
When Sirius entered the dormitory, James stood up immediately. "Are you OK? What happened? Where's Remus?"
Seeming not to hear him, Sirius lay down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. James followed and rested a consoling hand on his calf.
"It didn't work," Sirius whispered. "The potion didn't work."
"I don't think it was the potion," James said hesitantly. "I think – maybe – the potion knew this was something that had to be sorted without magic."
Sirius turned on his side and curled into a ball, signalling for James to leave him alone. Even after everything, he refused to cry in front of James. James sat for a moment longer, watching Sirius' body rise with each breath, wondering what on earth had happened at the lake.