Leah's POV

I was watching the sun rise for the last time over Hanauma Bay and it was stunning. It was so peaceful here, and I felt a serenity that was rare in my life. I could never get enough of this place. In fact, there was nowhere else I'd rather be when I said my goodbyes to this island. It was just a shame that it was all ending.

Rebecca had wanted to come with me this morning, but it was something I needed to do alone. I thought back to the fact that before my trip I had only met Rebecca a few times. She kept away from La Push and had a nice set-up here with her husband and children. Obviously she didn't know about wolves and leeches, but Jake had told her that I needed to get away for personal reasons. I was fortunate that she knew enough of my history with Sam that she'd asked very few questions. She'd also explained to me that she would help anyone that wanted an exit from the reservation.

For a twin, she was a hell of a lot different from her sister. Unlike Rebecca, Rachel was just plain ignorant and hated me with a passion. To be honest, I don't think Paul ever really helped things, and since she became an imprint we just didn't gel. The situation had in fact become so impossible that even Jake had given up on mediating between us. In some ways I could understand why Rachel hated me; the 'pack girls' all stuck together and my past with Sam put me on the outside. In addition to this, the fact I was a bitch probably didn't help.

Rebecca however, was the opposite of Rachel and had accepted me with open arms. She'd given me their pool house for as long as I wanted, and I was glad that within the first week we had struck up a comfortable friendship. Her easy going attitude also meant I was often left to my own devices.

I'd been on O'ahu for over a month now and was lucky enough to catch the end of the season's surf. It was something that I'd never done before, but Rebecca kept saying it was 'so me' and to shut her up I tried it. Well you would have wet yourself watching me; when I first started, I was appalling! I was a great swimmer and all, but that wasn't the problem. I couldn't balance on the goddamn board! I was far from a natural, but in the end I managed to get the hang of it and to my own surprise I actually had some fun.

I knew that I didn't have to come to Hawaii to discover surfing. La Push had a few swells of its own, but there was nothing appealing about being in the ocean with a group of wet dogs, and let's face it - they were incapable of leaving me alone for more than five minutes.

I really didn't want to go back. Unfortunately, it had been two weeks since I sent that stupid postcard, and I knew I had to show my face sometime. I was also itching to phase, but it was too risky here (wolves weren't exactly native to Hawaii). Plus, I didn't want everyone back in my head just yet - the silence was precious.

My eyes moved back to the horizon; the golden crest of the sun had just come into sight and the colours shimmered out across the water towards me. I was truly grateful to Jake for setting this trip up. He was always saving me these days whether I wanted him to or not. On this occasion, he'd known I had to get out and for once I didn't fight him.

When had things gotten so complicated again?

I'd been getting better. I mean hell, I'd been screwed up for a decade, but I thought I'd got enough distance from all things 'Sam' that I was ok. It was just a shame everything kept biting me in the butt.

I mentally ticked off my many mistakes…

One - Falling in love with Sam.

This was the crux of it all.

I had always liked Sam; he was my childhood crush. Growing up, I'd never dreamed he'd even acknowledge me. I didn't even think I existed in his mind. After all, it wasn't like I was a girly-girl. I was hardly the type to invite my friends round to paint each other's nails and have pillow fights.

I also wasn't attractive like the other girls. I even remember in particular, one of my mum's friends saying:

'Your Leah's a pretty girl… in an unconventional way.'

I hadn't stuck around to hear any more. I knew what that meant. It was like saying: 'If you close your eyes and squint really hard, she's not totally repulsive.'

For all of these reasons, it was a surprise when Sam started talking to me one day. And, despite my disbelief, our relationship had grown from there and we became high-school sweethearts.

Sam had ended up being my first everything - boyfriend, lover and confidant. I could tell him anything and kept nothing of myself hidden. He took my soul and my heart willingly… and then he crushed it.

It was indescribably hard watching the person you thought was your soul mate change. I saw him struggle daily and never knew why. He changed physically and regularly went missing which scared me. Sam became so angry with everything, especially me and I felt lost. It reached the point where he wouldn't talk to me anymore and if I asked him something he would only grunt in response.

The man I knew had died. His smile ceased and became a permanent frown. Every time he looked at me there was anguish. I never stopped trying to reach out to him though. I held on to the fact that he hadn't dumped me. Time after time, at all hours of the day and night, Sam would turn up at my house. He would often be in a miserable state, but I was desperate enough to take this as a sign he might still want me, not that he had nowhere else to go.

It's pathetic, but when you love someone so deeply you just keep fighting for them. The pain of it all was still clear in my mind and it was agonising. A piece of me had fallen away back then and I'd been swimming against the tide trying to find it ever since.

I can still remember the final night we spent together.

I didn't know that the evening leading up to it would be wasted on our last and biggest fight as a couple. It had ended up with me clawing at him just to be close. I had needed him to want me, to love me, and kiss away every insecurity. He had succumbed with a ferocity I didn't recognise.

The minute it was over, his body had slumped on top of me. His fingers were wound into my hair and he was holding me so tight it was hurting. Sam had then rested his head on my shoulder and sighed. Just once, he kissed my skin lightly, but after that he didn't move for what felt like ages. In the end, his weight began to crush me and along with the heat I started to find it hard to breathe. His hands were still taut in my hair, and I started to struggle and panic. It was then that he got off me, pulled on his trousers and without looking back walked out of my room. I was left alone, naked, and in shock, on the bed.

I spent the rest of the night devastated. I felt like I didn't know the guy I'd just been with. His body had felt so different and he'd been unaware of his own strength. Sam had been as passionate as he could, but it was different. I suppose it was goodbye of sorts, but it was all consuming and animalistic. The bruises that were already forming on my body had been physical proof and it scared me.

The next day Emily visited and I realised for sure that Sam was never the problem. He was quite capable of loving - he just wasn't meant to love me!

Two - Thinking my cousin was my best friend

I should have dumped Emily when I was eight and my favourite party dress fit her better than me. I never forgot the day she begged me to let her try it on. I cried because she was so pretty and the big pink bows made her look like a princess; I never looked like that.

If I'd known ten years later that she'd be trying on my Sam and his heart would fit her better… Well, I would have cut the family ties and thrown punch on that stupid frock.

But could I really blame Emily?

How could she walk away from Sam when I couldn't?

I knew I was bitter, but I just couldn't be a part of their life, and I was incapable of being nice to her.

Time and time again, our families had tried to drive us to reconcile, wanting me to forgive her.

Didn't they see that I couldn't?

Besides they should be grateful - surely hate is better than indifference?

Three - Dad

If I hadn't had so much anger in me, maybe everything would have been different.

I knew my phasing had been inevitable, what with the leeches nearby and all. I still didn't understand why I was the only female wolf, but it was clear there was something so wrong with me that I would have phased regardless.

As always, I just had shit timing, and the shock of his son and then his daughter phasing had been too much for my old man's heart. I had of course tried to help him, but my new form had prevented me from doing so. In the end I had resorted to screaming for help, but even that had come out as a strangled howl.

My father's eyes still haunted me; his last moment shouldn't have been spent in horror looking at his wolf girl.

To my further distress, Sam had been in my head the whole time. He had tried talking me down enough that I could change back. It hadn't worked and so he, Jared and Paul had to drag me away clawing and fighting so that the ambulance could come. My dad's eyes watched me the entire time.

By the time it took me to calm down and come out of shock, my dad was long gone. Then, when I finally went home I was unable to look at my mother for what felt like forever.

How could I?

I was responsible for her losing the love of her life and breaking our family.

Four - Mum and Charlie

"Why can't Leah Clearwater not be a self absorbed bitch?"

Those were Kim's drunken words after I'd made some sarcastic comment about Emily at her engagement party.

It was a typical remark from an imprint really. They were so fucking special that they believed they were above us mere mortals. Just because destiny told them that their love was ok (no matter who else got hurt), we all had to suck it up and pat them on the back!

I'd left before I could hit the stupid girl and really spoil her event. It still wasn't good enough though, and once again I destroyed everything.

Seeing me storm out of yet another party, my mum followed after me, but of course me being me, I phased and ran. Sadly, she and Charlie tried to chase after me in the truck.

I wasn't there when it happened, but I heard the crash. By the time I got to the scene the car was wrapped around a tree and it was burning. I tried to pull them out, but the car was so hot. Even with my healing it was excruciating, and in my panic I couldn't get them out of the mangled wreck.

In the end, I not only caused the crash, but I failed to save them.

I couldn't even truly believe the paramedics when they told me that they'd died on impact; I think they only said it to stop me from blaming myself.

My pack had been the first to reach me that dark night; it could have been within seconds, minutes or hours. All I remembered was being pulled away from the car and someone crying with me as they held me to their chest. At that point, I blacked out and knew nothing more of that night. Even with the pack mind, I'd gleaned very little because it was a night we all tried to block out.

The next morning I had woken up at home dazed and confused. My arms ached, and I discovered I had burnt the skin away in the fire. The damage was so bad, that even with my healing it was still growing back.

When I made it downstairs, I found all the wolves in the lounge mourning. Both packs were present - imprints and all. Even Bella was there in the background being held by Jake. It didn't matter because I could only focus on my little brother; he looked so tiny sitting in a chair staring out the window at the rain.

That was my darkest hour yet, and from there I had spent countless months just trying to breathe and care for Seth.

It was an attempt to make up for destroying everyone's lives.

Five - Relying On Jake

He could relate, he'd lost a parent, and he was my alpha.

I hated that he'd imprinted and lost his free will, but I think he would have loved Nessie regardless. She was a bit of Bella which was all he ever wanted.

I knew I loved Jake, but I couldn't ever figure out in what way. He'd become my best friend and it scared me how much I needed him.

It was just a shame that I was pre-programmed to ruin everything. It was only a matter of time before I pushed him too far with my attitude, but maybe that was for the best.

Six - Hearing The Uley's Latest Announcement

Why Jake thought I'd want to be present for Sam's announcement, I'll never know. I didn't understand guys. Sure, I didn't want pity or for anyone to walk on egg shells, but for Jake to make me attend on the grounds of pack ties was ridiculous.

Hearing that Sam and Emily now had their little world complete when mine was so far from being whole was painful to bear. I felt like my insides were imploding. I could never have what they had and it hurt all the more because it should have been me.

I could see the sympathetic looks I was getting from some people and the hate that was pouring off others. As always, I made my exit and shut out my pack. I was fed up with seeing my life flash past me. I had nothing to show for it but an empty shell and a path of destruction.

Seven - Kissing Embry

I don't remember much, but I knew I'd made a mistake.

Whiskey never had agreed with me and the mix of it, along with my empty life, had made me feel so lonely. Then, Embry was there and he wanted me.

Sometimes we just needed to be loved, right?

The next morning I was mortified and could only think of Jake. I didn't even know what that meant and felt guilty, which was ridiculous. I then felt horrible for making Embry think that I saw him like that because he was almost as much as a brother as Seth.

Embry was also the only other one in our little pack (not related to me), who had not yet had his choices taken away by fate. I was hardly going to let him waste his freedom on me.

God why did everything I touch turn to crap?

Why did everybody leave?

I hated wallowing in self pity and being whiny. It wasn't something I enjoyed. In fact, I despised it. It was weak and didn't solve anything. It was just hard - every time I managed to start feeling better, something happened.

I had no doubt it would be better for everyone if I stayed away. Maybe then I could regain some permanent sanity; Hawaiian air had helped after all.

I suddenly felt ashamed of my thoughts. I couldn't leave Seth and I'd never ask him to leave the packs; I owed him too much and he loved his life in La Push.

So instead, I would just have to stay and watch everyone live their happy lives and work towards their futures. I'd survive though because it was what I did best - I was Leah Clearwater after all.

And just like that the morning sun cleared the horizon and it was all over - my holiday, my peace, my sunrise.