7/12/2020: This is a long chapter, but I'm pretty proud of it!

I hope you like it too. :)

~Meghan

Chapter XI

The Victory Tour

- District 7 -

We celebrate my eighteenth birthday with cake.

Pine enjoys the frosting and I enjoy the company. Mama has always made a little cake for our birthdays, but this year mine has three layers with raspberry frosting. There's even little sugar flowers that Mama got from the bakery to decorate it with. It almost looks like one of Gallus' dresses.

"This is great, Miss Redwood," Rasp says to Mama as he eats some cake from his plate.

"I've told you," Mama says with a smile, "call me Clara, I'm only thirty-eight."

Rasp laughs and so does Mama.

Pine runs past me, frosting on his hands, chasing after Striker's grandchildren, a set of giggling twins.

The whole kitchen of our house is full of the other victors too, sitting around eating cake and chatting. Outside, leaves are falling from the amber-colored trees, dotting our browning lawn. Fall is coming fast this year. It's been a cool October already, cold enough to have frost on the ground in the mornings. Winter will be here before we know it, but for the first time I don't find myself nervous about feeling hungry or too cold.

Now I eat dinners underneath a crystal chandelier.

"Hey, Fern, come play!" Joan calls from the kitchen table.

A card game has been laid out and some of the other victors are already sitting down, picking up hands.

I smile, heading over and taking the free seat between Blight and Vidar.

Vidar gives me a smile before returning to sorting her cards, making sure no one else can see hers.

I accept the cards that Joan hands me before scanning the others. They're all focused on the cards, eyebrows drawn in concentration. During the month after Snow visited, they've especially embraced me into their circle. I didn't say what he told me, and they would never try to guess, but something changed. I think they've realized I'm here to stay now, and they want me to feel like one of them.

As a result, I've gotten to learn more about these people I've grown up seeing.

Blight has a habit of biting his nails, and always seems to have sleep bruises underneath his eyes. Rasp always wears the same navy sweater and always takes his dog out for a walk at exactly five o'clock, regardless of the weather. Axel has a whole bunch of cousins that regularly visit him. Johanna sits outside - with a blanket on cold days - and reads a book on her porch. Striker's wife has been dead for over a decade but he still wears his wedding band.

They're a bunch I'm still trying to sort out.

"So, Axel, when is your birthday?" Joan says, giving him a smile.

"I turned twenty-one last June," he says absently-mindedly, sorting through his cards.

Joan gives a practiced gasp. "How funny! My birthday is in May! We're so close!"

I smother a smile as my friend swats Axel playfully on the shoulder. Some things never change.

"So, why do you have a boy's name?" Blight asks Vidar from another end of the table.

Vidar shrugs. "My parents were expecting a boy, and liked the name too much to give it up."

When we open presents, there's a little stack. Joan and Vidar give me a journal, and even though I can't see myself writing in it, I tell them thank you. Striker has a new sweater wrapped up in colorful paper. I tell him thank you too, and we all laugh as his grandchildren play with the tissue paper. Mama and Pine give me a blanket they knitted together in secret. It's small but it's warm.

I pull the fabric up to my face, savoring how soft it is. The scent of fir trees and Mama's lily perfume drifts from the cloth.

It smells like home.

- District 7 -

January seems to come too fast.

I've been dreading this month since I saw the first snowflake of winter touch the ground. To distract myself, I've tried to spend my time around Pine, who has been trying harder in school. I spend afternoons baking with Mama. She doesn't have to work at the lumber yard anymore, but she still takes over a basket of baked goods each Wednesday and Saturday. She says it keeps her busy.

Joan got sick in December, so I went over to her house frequently, which used to be down the street from mine. We spent our days playing board games and she caught me up on all the gossip in school. Sometimes I miss classes, but I know my former classmates wouldn't look at me the same way they used to. I've gotten used to spending most of my time in the Victor's Village, sometimes even going out with Rasp to take his dog on a walk.

It's just past five o'clock when the shiny black car arrives outside of the wrought iron gates.

Rasp pauses. "I think they're here for you," he says, narrowing his brown eyes at the vehicle. He tightens his hat, leaning down to pet Ruby.

I frown, slipping my hands into the pockets of my coat. "Guess so." I bend down, giving Ruby a kiss on the top of her soft head. "I'll see you again in a couple weeks."

Rasp gives me a sympathetic smile. "It'll be over pretty fast."

I shrug in response, shaking my head at him with a weak smile. I've already learned he's a terrible liar, so I'm not sure why he's trying. I turn away, heading back towards my gray mansion as my prep team emerges from the car in a colorful trio of noise.

"Fern, my darling!" Priscus calls, waving a gloved hand. He's dyed his skin a pale blue color.

I saw people with even crazier fashion choices in the Capitol, and I'm sure Priscus thinks this color looks good. All can think of is how he looks like he's caught hypothermia.

He, Aurelia and Maxima hurry through the snow, a mistake with their ill-suited shoes. Maxima and Priscus have to stop to pull Aurelia out of the snow when she sinks up to her ankles. I fight back a smile. As annoying as they can be, I'd forgotten how bumbling they were too. By the time they reach me on my porch, Priscus is shivering and Aurelia is shaking snow out of her heeled boots.

"It's a bit nippy here," Aurelia says in her Capitol accent. "I don't see how you do it with that short hair."

"We'll take care of it," Gallus says, loping behind them on his long legs. He tosses a scarlet scarf over his shoulder, giving me a once-over after the prep team have finished squeezing me in hugs. "You're hair will definitely need a trim, though, Fern, I can see your split ends from here."

Priscus giggles. "They're almost as painful as this weather!"

He and Aurelia break into high-pitched laughter, opening the door to my house - still decorated in a wreath of corn for the Harvest Festival - and striding inside.

"Don't listen to them," Maxima says gently. She turns her gentle purple eyes towards me, her cheeks dimpling. "You look beautiful. It's wonderful to see you again, you're all anyone back in the Capitol is talking about now."

I laugh weakly, but give her a grateful smile.

Inside the house, Ilis Keppler - who arrived an hour ago in a bright gold suit with a troupe of cameras - fawns over Pine, who is dressed up in his best green shirt and shiny brown shoes. Ilis is already directing the camera crew on where to set up inside the home. Pine and Mama will have short interviews before I'm taken and brought to the train station. Pine hasn't been able to stop talking about it all this week, practicing questions in front of the bathroom mirror and fixating over his hair.

"Where has Johanna gone?" Ilis suddenly asks, looking around for my mentor. "I told her to be here early!" He storms off, his boots stomping as he goes back out to the snow-covered porch.

"Time to get you lovely," Gallus tells me as he hangs up his coat and scarf. He claps his hands twice and the prep team becomes a flurry as they rush upstairs to set up the makeover station.

I sigh, but obey. Even I know better than to argue with my stylist and prep team.

They take time to work on my hair, trimming it and cutting it to Capitol standards of perfection. It's grown out a couple inches since the Games, just long enough for a ponytail, which Aurelia does. They put something in my hair to make it sleek and shiny, as if I've just come from some paradise and not the middle of winter in District 7.

Then they add makeup, which I haven't had since I left the Capitol. My eyes are brightened, my eyelashes made lush, and they add a hint of glitter to my lips. For my first outfit of the tour, Gallus puts me in a sleek shirt as white as the snow outside my windows. My skirt is red and wool, kept short with tight black leggings and brown knee-high boots underneath.

Gallus finishes the look with a kind of funny top made of aqua fabric. It's like one of those old-fashioned cloaks in storybooks, but cropped so that it ends at the bottom of my ribcage. The sleeves are long and bell-shaped, complimenting the cream-colored gloves Gallus gives.

"Blue is going to be your staple color," Gallus informs me, pulling the hood of the cloak thing up. "We're going to make it a spring trend in the Capitol."

I say my goodbyes quickly to Mama and Pine, all the while with Ilis chomping at the bit to get going. I don't want to make a fuss about leaving. I don't want a repeat of the tears in the Justice Building the day of my reaping, even if the uncertainty of my coming home is gone. I'm calm as we walk out into the frosty night, bright stars shining from a cloudless sky. I smile for the cameras the way Johanna told me to and sit like a lady like Ilis wants me to when I get in the car.

When I step onto the train again, I take a deep breath through a wave of nausea. The smell of perfume and tangy cleaner is still the same.

Johanna bumps her shoulder into mine, winking. "Let's get some supper, Fern."

I nod and we all settle around the dining table as the train starts to hum. I'm grateful that we're leaving at night, because I don't know if I have it in me to watch District 7 vanish outside the windows. Instead I focus on the plate of warm food an Avox delivers, savoring the Capitol cooking.

"So," Johanna asks from across from me. "Are you excited to go see the other districts?"

I almost laugh hearing the sarcasm in her voice. "As much as I can be."

Aurelia gives a delighted gasp, apparently not picking up on my fellow victor's tone. "You'll adore District Four! They have the most beautiful view of the ocean!"

I give her a quick smile as Johanna rolls her eyes. I try to think back to her own Victory Tour a couple years ago. I remember watching her speeches on television, but I can't recall much else besides the party back in District 7. Mostly I was just thinking about exams at school and going to work at the paper mill on the weekends. It was a different life back then. "What did you think of your Victory Tour, Johanna?"

She shrugs, a wicked smile dancing across her face for a moment. "I had fun in the Career districts."

I manage not to choke on my water, swallowing hard. Of course Johanna would.

"Now," Ilis says, completely changing the conversation with an authoritative tone. "We'll start with District Twelve and then go in descending order. Naturally, we'll skip District Seven and save it until last. That's when we'll have a party where everyone is invited. And, of course, in the Capitol you'll have another party! That one will be the best of them all."

"What am I supposed to say at each district?" I ask.

For all the years I've watched the victors come to District 7 and make speeches, I'm suddenly nervous I'll say the wrong thing. Snow's eyes feel like they're following our train.

"Just some condolences about each tribute," Ilis replies. He takes a moment to clean his orange-painted lips with a cloth. "I'll help you before each district. You'll give thanks to the district for their tributes' sacrifice, and then we'll move into a dinner at the Justice Building."

I try not to think about tomorrow much as I lay in my bed an hour later. I curl up, hugging my knees. In the silent darkness of my room, I can't help the empty feeling the settles in my stomach. This would be so much more bearable if they would've let Mama and Pine join me, and it's not like the Capitol can't spare the space in this train.

But keeping us isolated is just another way to twist the knife, isn't it?

I reach out, pulling the blanket from Mama and Pine around me, burying my face in the soft fabric and inhaling the scent of home.

A flash of a memory I've been trying to shove away comes back: standing with Mama on a raised platform, my tiny hand in hers. Then I can see Pine held in her arms. A crowd like a sea between us and the Justice Building. My sister's face on the screen behind me. A victor giving a speech, saying how much my sister sacrificed, but I can't focus. I just hold Mama's hand tighter, closing my eyes and wishing it would all go away.

As the train moves further from home, I close my eyes and try to focus on the scent of lily perfume and spruce trees.

I don't know how I manage to fall asleep, but my dreams are filled with hard-packed orange earth and heat so intense, I think it might melt the skin from my bones. Ilis wakes me up by knocking on the door at dawn. I run to the bathroom and guzzle as much water as I can in the sink, covered in cold sweat.

My prep takes me as I yawn, wiping my sleepy eyes, trying to get rid of the dryness in my throat. They take strips of cloth and I know what's coming before they put the warm wax on my legs and underarms. Women in the Capitol are hairless, just like they made the girls before we went into the arena. I liked it when the light brown hair grew back. Now I wince as they rip each hair out, and then pluck at my eyebrows until they burn.

Gallus makes me look presentable, and my other clothing is left in a small room to be changed into before dinner. I feel out of place as I stand on the grimy Justice Building in District 12, but repeating what Ilis told me isn't difficult.

Images of my fellow tributes are shown over the crowd, right where their families stand.

The people in the crowd stare at me as I speak, neither admiration nor hatred in their expressions. Some are covered in coal dust, like they just came from work. It seems like the whole district has coal dust covering it, spotting the snow black. Even the air smells bitter.

The District 12 mayor is kind when we eat dinner in the Justice Building, making apologies for his wife, who's sick with a migraine. Mayor Undersee's only child is a sweet blonde girl a few years younger than me. Madge sits next to me, wishing me luck for the rest of the tour.

District 11 passes much the same, and I finally manage to sleep without any dreams on our way to District 10, wrapped up in my blanket.

I'm taken on a tour of the district before the speech. It's still warm here, despite the month. The mayor shows me some of the cow fields, the brown animals dipping their long horns as they graze grass. I smile as the animals low like I've seen on television. Behind me, Ilis stumbles around some mud, his face scrunched up in disgust. I fight back a laugh. It's easy to see how much my Capitol entourage hates it here as my prep team hold perfumed cloths to their noses. Even Gallus glares at the mud that threatens to stain my clothes.

I go out of my way to step in a puddle of mud, earning me a glare from my stylist.

"My brother would love to see this," I finally say to the mayor, turning from Gallus. I adjust my floppy hat, protecting my face from the sun, hot here even in winter.

Mayor Bovell smiles widely at me. "Thank you, Miss Fern. We are proud of our farms here. These cows will be headed for the warehouses next week."

"Warehouses?" I ask curiously.

"The slaughter house," she says happily, turning to smile at the animals.

I look at them too. Suddenly I understand why the districts call the Launch Rooms below the arena the Stockyard. I was one of the animals being lead to the slaughter house.

I don't ask more questions after that.

When I stand on the stage in District 10, I learn the name of the female tribute. In my head, I see her burning blue eyes and the way her sword reflected my face.

Mare's face stares back at me from the screen, blue eyes that are rotting in a coffin now somewhere in a graveyard. Her parents stand on a raised platform, a plain dais in front of the screen, and her mother sobs. She clutches three boys with the same dark hair as Mare. Her father stares at me, blinking slowly behind his glasses.

"Mare could have killed me," I say into the microphone. A stale breeze blows but I barely feel it.

I just feel the hot humidity from the arena, the rainwater still dripping down my face as Mare and Trolley wipe the rain off their own soaked windbreakers.

"We went separate ways, and I will always remember her for that," I say. The faces of the people of District 10 stare up at me. It's so cruel that my words are supposed to be a gift for their dead kids. I stare back over at Mare's parents. "Your daughter will never be forgotten."

District 9 and 8 pass the same way. More cheering crowds, more dinners, more painful memories. I only feel free the moments when our train stops and I can breathe, truly breathe.

Gallus spins his magic on my clothes, making me look beautiful for each district, as if that mattered.

We skip District 7. I dream but can't sleep, curling up on the couch alone with my blanket. I miss home. The prep team gets more excited the further we go, knowing with each district we'll one step closer to the Capitol's grand party. Ilis gives me more pre-written speeches.

District 6 passes by, and I once again remember Trolley.

She looks even younger on her screen. Her older sister, standing on the podium holding hands with their grandparents, has Trolley's blonde hair. I can't eat dinner at the mayor's house, and blame it on motion sickness from the train. The smile the mayor gives me back is gentle and pitiful on his aging face.

Poor child, it screams.

I hate it, but I think I just hate how it makes me feel. Despite the blood on my hands and the beautiful clothing, all some people see is how fragile I am, how I'm barely glued together. Maybe I just hate that I thought I was getting past this. I was able to pretend back in the Victor's Village, with Mama and Pine, that I was fine now. But the Hunger Games have been dragged back out and I think I'm in a new arena.

That night, I can't sleep.

I finally get up, going to get a glass of water. I sit alone in the dark on the couch, letting the cool water run down my throat in sips.

"You're supposed to be asleep."

I jump, nearly spilling the water.

Johanna just laughs, gliding past me to grab a piece of spiky fruit from the dining table and sinking her teeth in it. She wipes the red juice off her chin, staining the white sleeve of her nightgown.

It looks like blood.

I grimace. "Couldn't sleep. What's your excuse?"

"Watch that attitude, Fern, I'm your mentor," Johanna says, jumping up to sit on the table. "Respect your elders."

I don't laugh at her joke. I just shake my head, blinking my burning eyes. My body feels frail, aching for sleep, but I know that if I close my eyes I'm just going to see their faces. "How do you do that?"

"What?" Johanna asks, cocking her head.

"Act so... carefree," I mutter, turning my eyes towards her.

I can't read her expression, shrouded in oddly shaped shadows from the silver moonlight outside. "They always need a good show, right?" Johanna finally says, her voice bitter. "I give those Capitol bastards a good show every day."

"There's probably microphones," I say quickly, pointing at the train car's ceiling.

Johanna laughs once, devoid of humor. "I hope so. You're always listening, huh, Snow?"

I curl up with my blanket tighter. I'm not sure where Johanna finds the courage to talk like that. She's too calculating to be insane. Maybe it's just stupidity. I bury my head against my knees, stilling gripping the glass of water in one hand. "I don't want to go," I say through gritted teeth.

Johanna's quiet. For a moment I think she won't answer, but then her voice comes, all the anger from before gone. "I know. But you have to."

"They were my allies, Johanna," I say, tightening my jaw until my teeth ache. "I let her die. She's dead because of me."

"Don't," my mentor says, her voice suddenly so fierce I look up. She stands up, setting the fruit aside. Even in the moonlight, I can see her eyes blazing with the same fury I've gotten used to on her. "Don't you ever say it's your fault."

I shake my head. "I was there, Johanna. I was leaving them and - and I wasn't there. If I was there, I might've been able to stop them-"

Johanna steps closer, grabbing my shoulders with hard fingers. "Every time you blame yourself for her dying, it's one less time the Capitol gets the blame they deserve. The blame they've earned. You didn't throw yourself into that arena, they did. They're the enemy, Fern. Not yourself."

I open my mouth, wanting to argue.

And then it's like my chest is tightening, the words taken from my lungs. All the hatred I've been holding in seems to rush to the front of my thoughts, and all of a sudden I wish with everything I am that Tide had killed me instead of Hendrix. I wish I had died in that arena like the others.

I think that's what I want to say but all that comes out is, "Lexi died alone."

Johanna doesn't respond at first. It's enough time for tears to well up in my eyes and spill over. My throat aches as I drop the glass, not caring when it shatters and spills water all over the fancy Capitol rug. Sobs tear through me, threatening to rip me apart, and I wish they would. I don't stop the tears as they run down my face, my chest heaving, my body shaking.

I haven't cried since I won the Games. Not once.

I've been so scared that if I fell apart I wouldn't be able to put myself back together.

Johanna's arms slip around me, her strong hands cradling the back of my head into her shoulder. I can't even hug her back, feeling stuck in place. The moment keeps running through my head, the second that I saw the trident buried in Lexi's heart and heard her cannon in the sky.

"I'd kill you before I'd let you blame yourself," Johanna murmurs to me, unnerving but soothing in only the way she can be.

I finally lift my arms, hugging her back.

I want to believe her so badly it hurts.

- District 5 -

My prep team works hard to conceal the purple sleep bruises underneath my eyes.

"I'll force sleeping pills down your throat tonight," Gallus snarls, smoothing over the dress he's laid out for me. He hasn't stopped with the threats ever since they found me still awake in my bed at daybreak, deposited by Johanna after I had stopped crying. "You're going be out until we drag you up for the District Four speeches."

I don't have the energy to tell my stylist how much I actually like his plan.

"This would be such a pretty shade of violet in an eyeshadow," Aurelia says two inches from my face, her eyes narrowed in concentration as she doctors the sleep bruises.

Gallus gives me a black, silk jumpsuit and long, gray coat for the speeches. The shoes have been changed to black lace-up boots after he decided I was too tired for heels, unless I wanted to risk a broken ankle.

We start the day with a car ride through the main city.

I'm thankful for the extra time before I have to go up on the stage. Outside of the bulletproof windows, crowds line the streets and hang out of their windows, cheering my name. Some throw a few tiny flowers that have survived winter into the road. District 5 looks so much different from 7 with their square gray houses and powerlines crisscrossing over the sky. Mountains rise up in the distance, piercing gray clouds. Around us, icicles hang from roofs and the car drives a bit slower over the frozen parts of the stone road.

They have more money here, I can tell. Not as much as District 2 probably, but more than back home. Then again, I have more money than I know what to do with now.

"They didn't throw this much of a celebration when I came," Johanna gripes from beside me on the leather seats.

Gallus gives her a pointed look. "You happened to kill the boy from Five in your year."

Johanna folds her arms, sitting back in her seat and avoiding the windows.

When we arrive at the Justice Building, all marble and draped in Panem banners, the car parks at the back. My prep team starts their little set-up in one of the upstairs rooms, and Maxima gives my hand a squeeze as she brushes past.

I peer around the entrance hall. The ceiling is vaulted with large, orb-shaped light fixtures above. The ceiling is painted with electric yellows and silvers, and the molding is carved with lightning bolts. It looks like it's kept routinely polished inside, unlike back home where our Justice Building only gets touch-ups every five years or so. Large vases hold giants blooms, ranging in color from dark pink to a bright green.

"Ah, there you are Miss Redwood!"

I turn, smiling at the mayor.

He wipes his shiny, bald head, giving me an earnest grin. "Welcome to District Five. I hope you had a nice tour around the city."

I bob my head. "Yes, it's beautiful."

Mayor Lumen smiles happily, his round cheeks turning a bashful red. "I'm glad." He glances behind himself at the staircase he came down from. "Ah, here you both are! Allow me to introduce my boys: Vis and Manus."

The pair reach the bottom of the staircase, giving me polite smiles. The older one looks about my age with his father's olive skin and messy black hair. It almost looks like he's stuck his finger in an electrical socket. His younger brother is like a duplicate, but with shorter hair and wire-framed glasses, and probably about ten.

"Nice to meet ya' here," the younger one says.

"Manus," Mayor Lumen hisses, shooting his son a warning look.

The boy gives me an apologetic smile and pushes his slipping glasses up. "Sorry. It's nice to meet ya' Miss Fern."

"You too," I say, smiling at them both. "Your district is beautiful."

Vis shrugs, putting his hands in his suit pockets. He looks uncomfortable in it, like he's rather be in a plain outfit. "It's not too bad on its good days."

"Pretty cold though," Manus says loudly.

"Why don't you both show Fern around while we finish setting up?" Mayor Lumen interjects. His eyes flit towards a camera crew dragging a light fixture across the tile floor. He gasps, immediately rushing away from us. "That tile has just been refurbished! That'll be coming out of your pay if it's scratched! We've just had it imported from District Two!"

Manus waves at me as he starts back up the stairs. "We have the coolest little attic here, it's got all these old gadgets. You ever seen an antique propane power generator?"

I blink in confusion. A what? "I, um, I can't say I have."

Vis gives me a sympathetic smile. "I think we can show her something better, Manus. The balcony will be a good view."

Manus gasps, rushing ahead. "That's right! I'll go find a pin!"

I give Vis a curious look, raising an eyebrow. A pin? I don't really know where to begin my questions, so I just focus on climbing the stairs. The second landing of the Justice Building branches into several hallways, large windows letting in light, but fogged up to obscure the view outside.

"So, is it a lot different from District Seven?"

I shrug, wrapping my arms around myself. District Seven. I wish I had my blanket, the one that smells like home. "Yeah. We have a lot more forests."

"I bet," Vis says, leaning against a closed door as Manus scurries into an open door down the hall. "Did you get to see the dams on your way in?"

I nod. The view coming here was beautiful, crossing through snow-capped mountains. As we entered the gates of District 5, large dams poured white water from what must be hundreds of feet up. "I'd never seen anything like it."

Vis grins. I can see a bit of pride in his district as his warm brown eyes light up. "The dams are used for hydropower. One is enough to power three districts at once. We go swimming in the summer in the rivers downstream from them."

I smile. "I've always wanted to go swimming. We only have some ponds back in Seven. Not the same I'm guessing."

"Too bad you can't visit here again in the summer," Vis says casually, glancing over at me. "I could teach you how to swim if you did."

I open my mouth to respond, but fumble for words when I look back at him.

His eyes flick to the ground shyly, and he reaches up to run a hand through his dark hair. "I don't think they let victors district hop, though."

My cheeks burn with the realization that he's flirting with me. I almost can't believe it, but I've seen Joan with guys enough to know it when I see it. I just never expected a boy to flirt with me in the Justice Building of District 5 during my Victory Tour. The whole thing is so odd I can't even think of a reply. Thankfully, I don't have to.

"Found it!" Manus runs around the corner, holding up a pin. He grins at me, oblivious to the quiet between Vis and I. "We have to use a pin 'cause they lock the window. We've climbed out a lot, but it's worth it for the view. C'mon!" He grabs my hand, pulling me along like Pine does.

For a moment I can't believe he doesn't remember that, just six months ago, I held an ax in that hand.

Time seems to move in flashes after that. Standing on the balcony of the Justice Building, feeling the cold air whipping around. Manus climbing onto the railing to sit. Vis smiling at me as he points out the windmill farm off in the distance. Ilis grabbing me and pulling me downstairs. Maxima and Aurelia adding finishing touches to my makeup. The mayor giving a speech introducing me.

And then I'm being ushered out through the doors.

The crowd erupts into applause, a few pumping their fists in the air.

I accept a large bouquet of sweet-smelling flowers, stepping up to the front of the Justice Building. The cheering of the crowd seems to melt together in one giant sound. Instead, I hear my heart beating, so loud I wonder if the crowd can hear it too.

My eyes meet the gaze of my dead allies.

Hendrix stares as me with a glower that I remember so well in the arena.

On the platform stand the family he told me about months ago, back when he was still breathing, still had a chance to survive and come back home to them. His mother and father look like him, their skin dark and their eyes a dark brown. Three of his younger siblings look like him too, like smaller versions of Hendrix. Two stand apart, one with red hair and pale skin, the other with light brown skin and long black hair.

The children from Lexi's orphanage. The one that Hendrix used to volunteer a6t, the ones that his family adopted.

I open my mouth but no words come out.

When I turn to look at Lexi's side of the platform, I know what I'm going to see. But it still feels like I've been punched in the chest when there's no one there. The spot where her loved ones should've stood is empty.

If I win the Games, I bet I'd have loads of families wanting to adopt me.

Her voice sounds so real I think, just for a moment, that it might be.

I stare at the image of Lexi on the board. Her blue eyes are open, a slight smile on her lips, as if caught off guard for a photo and not a tribute in the Hunger Games. She looks so alive. She was so alive, and now I watch her die every night in my dreams, over and over again.

Someone clears their throat and I realize with a start that the crowd has fallen silent. They aren't cheering anymore. Now they gaze up at me, their faces expectant. Are any of them the children that Lexi lived with? Some of them must have known Hendrix. When I took the tour, I saw the place that they lived almost all their lives. They should have been able to stay here and grow old. They shouldn't be dead.

"They should be here," I find myself saying. Ilis can eat his own words.

Hendrix's mother looks up at me, her gaze so maternal it could almost be my other mother watching me. His father's lip trembles.

"They saved my life," I say. "He could've let me die. Hendrix could've chosen not to save me."

When I say his name, his father's face crumples with tears. I think I'd be crying too if I hadn't sobbed all I had last night to Johanna.

I look up at the picture of Hendrix, and I take a steadying breath. He'd tell me to stand up straight if he was here. He would tell me not to let the cameras intimidate me. This isn't the Capitol. It's about him and Lexi.

"He had a pure heart," I continue. "Hendrix was strong, but it was his kindness that made him even stronger. I wouldn't be here today without him. I can't ever tell him thank you again, not like I wish I could."

I swallow, looking at Lexi's picture. "Lexi is someone I also can't ever repay. She never let the arena change her. She was precious to me, and to Hendrix too. I wasn't there when she needed me. I'll carry that with me to my grave. But as long as I'm alive, I won't let her be forgotten. Lexi was so young, she was so innocent and I..." My voice trails off, my gaze sweeping across District 5. I think I should've died instead of her. "I'm so sorry."

The crowd claps again, hands rising as if waving goodbye to me, and I can feel myself swaying where I stand.

Johanna's there, her arm wrapping firmly around my shoulder, leading me back inside the Justice Building.

For just a moment, I think hear Lexi laughing.

- District 4 -

The little boy who hands me flowers on the docks glares.

I try to smile back at him. He doesn't look eleven yet, not even old enough to be in the reaping. But there's a hatred in his eyes that seems too mature.

Ilis' hand is on my back in a flash, guiding me along past the crowd gathered around the docks. District 4 has the victors go to the Justice Building by boat for their speeches, a welcome that only their district can give. I take it mine isn't exactly a warm welcome.

"Pretty water lilies," Ilis sighs, glancing at the white bouquet in my clenched fists. He adjusts his diamond-encrusted suit sleeves with one hand, covering his bubblegum-colored curls with the other as a seagull ducks near us. "Oh, these wretched birds! Don't worry, Fern, darling, the Justice Building is close. The smell will hopefully be more... pleasant there."

I inhale the scent of saltwater and fish, not caring as much as Ilis does. I'd never been on a boat before, and I've never smelled the ocean until now. When I was little, I used to daydream about one day seeing District 4, back before I realized most people don't get to see most districts aside from their own. I thought they were so lucky to live here where they can swim in the ocean.

Now I just want to leave.

I stare at the ground as we walk through the crowd to the Justice Building, armed Peacekeepers standing guard here and there. The crowd applauds as I walk through them, but their faces don't share the same enthusiasm. The winter sun is still warm here in 4, but I know that the bead of sweat that snakes down my spine has nothing to do with the weather.

I'm still holding the bouquet of flowers when I climb the steps of the Justice Building and listen to the mayor give me an introductory speech. The crowd applauds half-heartedly, and then it's my turn to speak.

"The tributes of District Four made a great sacrifice," I begin robotically, my eyes searching through the crowd. All their expressions mirror one another, just like the little boy on the docks. The people in District 4 bear no good will towards me. I don't need them to talk to know that they wish I had come out of the arena as a corpse in a claw, lifted into a hovercraft to be shipped home in a wooden coffin.

My gaze settles on the image of the female tribute, Morgan. I hadn't known her, hadn't even interacted with in the Training Center. To their credit, her family doesn't glare. Instead they just watch me with glazed eyes, holding one another on their platform.

"Morgan was a fierce warrior, and she will be remembered as a crucial stepping stone in Panem's glory," I recite, remembering Ilis' speech. After so many districts, I've almost gotten the acerbic taste out of my mouth when I prattle the words off.

I feel my muscles instinctively tensing as my head turns.

Tide's brown eyes meet mine. Even in his picture, his expression in hardened, one eyebrow barely lifted above the other like a challenge from the dead.

I suck in a ragged breath. For a moment I can feel the ropes binding me, see his face in front of mine and his taunting smile. I can see the bloodlust in his eyes as he pulls the trident from Lexi's body, red with her blood. My hand drifts to my stomach as I feel the pain of the trident piercing my skin, my blood draining into the desert sand.

When I look over at his family, I just see their son's head rolling down the cliffside, brown eyes still open in shock.

I wonder if they reattached his head for his burial.

The thought makes me stare at them, the crowd quiet save for seagulls screaming in the distance. Tide didn't scream when he died. Neither did Lexi. I wonder if he thought I was going to.

If it wasn't for me, Tide would be standing on this stage. He would be the victor of the 73rd Hunger Games. His family would still have their son.

He wasn't a person to me by the end, not really. He was just a chance for me to avenge Lexi, and then Hendrix. I'm sure he has friends in the audience who are looking at me right now, imagining killing me just like I killed him. District 4 would have a victor this year if it wasn't for me, and I think hate me for it. I close my eyes, trying to remember Ilis' speech.

I can still hear his head rolling down the cliffside.

- District 2 -

District 2 is sprawling.

Their buildings are all made of gray stone, but some are a dull marble. It's like everything is gray. The only color comes from red Panem banners and green trees spotted here and there. Peacekeepers are plentiful, but it's almost laughable. Everyone knows District 2 sits in the Capitol's lap. They won't ever raise a finger against the Capitol.

"It'll be hard finding something good about that Cleo girl," Johanna says as we wait inside the Justice Building. Outside, the mayor is making her speech introducing what I know will be a repeat of District 4. Johanna shakes her head. "Maybe you can tell them you're welcome for killing her."

"Have some respect for the fallen, Johanna," Aurelia gasps, her green eyes wide with shock as she fixes my lipstick.

Johanna snorts. "I'd piss on her grave."

Aurelia gapes as Johanna sweeps past her, not caring to cast a look behind.

I break away to follow my mentor, and don't spare Aurelia a look either. Given what she told me as she got me ready for my post-Games interview, I know Aurelia was excited to see me kill Cleo just as much as any other Capitol citizen. It's all blood to them.

The speeches don't go much differently than in District 4. I avoid looking at Cleo's family in particular, instead spouting the speech Ilis wrote.

When we get back on the train, I'm not sorry to see District 2 go. I sit in the caboose, watching out the large windows as their stone buildings and Panem flags vanish into the night. I glance down at the bouquet of flowers from District 2 sitting near me. I thought once I was out of the arena, I'd be done trying to put on a show for the Capitol. Snow's command to entertain hang over me now. But everyone is part of the act too. They're forced to pretend like they love me and give me flowers but in truth they would love nothing more than tear me to shreds.

I killed their children.

Murderer.

I squeeze my eyes shut, pulling my knees up to my chest.

Johanna comes into the caboose looking for me, but I don't open my eyes. Her words don't even register. Instead I just sit in my own world as our train hurtles towards District 1. And then the Capitol. I wonder how many people in the Capitol were betting on Cleo to win. I took those chances with one swing of my ax. It was that easy to take away the rest of Cleo's life.

Even if I didn't take an ax to the other twenty-one tributes, I almost feel like I'm standing on their bodies.

I know now what the Victory Tour is. It isn't a showcase of my victory, of my courage in the arena. I'm not a valiant warrior like the Capitol says. I didn't win anything. I'm just standing on the bodies of other children. They're rotting in their graves now, and I'm sitting in the lap of luxury.

I'm alive because twenty-three other tributes are dead.

I think I hate myself for it.