Chapter 9: It's Good To Be Back

AN1: And here it is, once again. This chapter was harder for me to write than I thought it would be, but I finally got it out and on the page, so, there. The next chapter will probably be from Dean's point of view again, just a little heads up for all of you not quite so happy with the picture Sam paints of their relationship. I hope you guys enjoy this one and don't forget to R&R!

-GNS-

"So you knew it was me, basically the whole time?" I ask, fumbling with the empty bottle in my hands.

We had made our way back to the bar from earlier today so that Dean could get some sleep. We were currently tucked in a table near the back. The lights were dim and the beer was water, the entire scene was familiar in the way only a life on the road could create. It was warm, easy, and comfortable.

John nods, "Of course." He says it simply, as if I never could have been anyone but. "And your brother, how do you think he's holding up with," he gestures toward me with the hand that isn't holding on to his drink, "this."

I let out a breathy chuckle, "Dean is probably having the time of his life right now," I set my bottle back down on the table, "Who wouldn't? He got his little brother back, right?" He finally got rid of me.

"So you don't think he's worried about you, not at all?"

I shake my head, "No, probably not." Definitely not.

"That's all kinds of crazy, boy," John insists, taking a swig from his own beer, "Your brother loves you more than he loves living. A blind man could see that."

"Yeah but—"

Dad raises an eye brow.

"Things between us lately, they haven't been good, to say the least. He's mad at me for something I can't change now, even if I wanted to. And it's like, this one way that I've failed him, takes the cake." I go quiet for a second, considering. "And suddenly, every other thing that I've worked so hard to be forgiven for, things that I gave my life to be forgiven for, are fair game again." John flinches a little at my words, like he suddenly remembered my earlier outbursts, and the secrets that I had told. "He's angry, all the time." I sigh, "Which I get, I do. I would be angry too but," I lower my eyes back down to the table top, "We don't speak anymore. You never really notice how much you speak to another person until you just don't anymore. He goes out, I stay in, he comes back ass crack of dawn, I pretend like I slept. We're in this viscous cycle and we couldn't break out of it if we tried, if we even wanted to try." I want to try, it's him who doesn't care anymore.

John breaks in, "It can't be as bad as you think it is. He's a big boy, he'll get over it."

"He tells me things sometimes, and I know that half the time he doesn't really mean it, but when it's the only thing you actually say to someone it starts getting to them. The last time he said it, well, I knew he meant it."

"What'd he say?" Dad asks, sliding his newly empty bottle out of the way so that he can lean in closer.

"That I'm a terrible brother," I shrug, "That about sums it up. Which would be fine, well not fine but I'd understand. I've always been a terrible brother. Here's the kicker though, then he goes off about how a friggin' vampire was more a brother to him in the last year than I had ever been." And Hell I will not cry here, not in front of my father, not like some lonely little boy who just wants his big brother to hug him and tell him it's all gonna be okay.

"A vampire." John deadpans. He probably doesn't even know they still exist yet, but I nod.

"Benny," The word tastes bitter on my tongue. "He and Dean are thick as thieves. Dean thinks that I have no clue who is on the other end of the line of those phone calls that he keeps getting. He thinks it's some giant secret when he sneaks off in the middle of the night to go see him, or whatever. It isn't though, the whole pretending to sleep thing lets me in on a helluva lot of information Dean would really rather I not know." The whole situation reminds me a Hell of a lot like Ruby, but I don't tell Dad that, I don't even bring it up. But how can what Dean is doing be okay if what I did certainly wasn't? I mean, they both involve blood, right? Heh.

John lets out a tired breath, "I guess I die pretty early on, huh?"

I bring tear up my eyes to meet his but his gaze has shifted down. "Why would you—"

"Everything has gone to Hell in a hand basket with you two boys and you haven't even brought up me once. I'm not stupid, Sam."

"You could say that," I admit.

"How many years do I got?" He trails his eyes upward, bringing them slowly to my own. I keep my mouth in a warily thin line. "It's not like I'm gonna do anything to change it, Sam, just tell me the year."

"2006."

John nods sharply and we sit in silence for a moment. "I'm going to grab another beer," Dad says, before picking up his own bottle and snagging my own.

"Alright," I reply, but he's already half way across the bar. I sink a little farther into my seat, slouching my shoulders forward, and resting my head on one of my hands. Slowly I rise and find my way to my father. He's facing the bar ordering two more beers. I clap my hand on his back. "Better make it only one," I say, "I'm gonna call it a night and start making my way over to the room."

"Well it's no fun drinking alone anyways," Dad says, before motioning to the bartender that we're through, throwing a couple bills down, and following me out.

I listen to our footsteps echo against the pavement the entire way there. Neither of us wants to speak about what was said back in the bar. Anyways, I'm used to the silence.

When we get to the parking lot he tells me he needs something from the Impala, and tosses me the room key with a quick "head on in".

I open the door to find a wide awake Dean sitting on the edge of his bed.

"You're back." He breathes, relief clear on his face. "You were gone and so was Dad and I thought—" He cuts off from what he was saying and just looks at me, "You're back."

"Yeah," I smile, it's thin and forced, with no real happiness behind it, "I'm back."

-GNS-

AN2: This chapter was closer to the usual length of them, like I said, it was torture trying to get this all out onto the page. I hope you all liked it though. Once again I'd like to that all of the wonderful people who decided to comment on the last chapter including: catlover2976, Eruthiawen Luin, Ezaki, and Sari Dark. When I hear from you guys it makes me smile! :) Thanks again!