Chapter 10: The Things You Notice

AN1: Hey guys! So sorry that this took SOOOOOO long. I was away from my computer for a couple of days and couldn't post this chapter even though I so badly wanted to. To make it up to you I'll try to get the next chapter out by Monday or sooner, and this one is a little longer too! So tell me what you think and don't forget to R&R!

-GNS-

Little Sammy's little hand was currently being engulfed by my own, much larger one, as we made our way through the aisles of the department store. His baggy sleeves were hanging limp down where they bunched up at his elbows, and his too long jeans dragged underneath his feet. Sam was a sight, to say the least. I was one as well, my face going tomato red every time someone would stop to tell me how adorable my son was. I never bothered to correct them, just nodding and thanking them, Sam never bothered to either. In fact, I saw him grin a little wider each time they did.

Anyways, his hand never budged from my own. Which is surprising considering not even five minutes before he had been dead set against it. He had looked me in the eye and said, "I'm ten, Dean. I'm too old for hand holding." I held in my laugh the best I could when he had said it, arms crossed and mouth in a thin, straight line. But I kept insisting and finally he caved. And if I noticed that he held on a little tighter when we entered the giant store, well, I didn't say anything.

The kids clothing section was located in the middle of the building, across from the toys and just around the corner from bedding. I had assured Sam, for the ten thousandth time, that he could pick out whatever he wanted, (within reason of course, I mean I'm not buying the kid a hundred dollar pair of jeans), and he was happily looking at the assortment of clothes.

That's the thing, Sam was happy. He was happy in a way I hadn't seen on my own Sam in years. And no, it wasn't like I expected Sam to be all 'carefree smiles and childlike glee' every second of every day, but it'd be nice to actually see a smile. He just seemed so worn down lately. He never sleeps, (he thinks that I don't notice but I do, how could I not?) he barely eats, and he hardly ever steps outside any of the hotel rooms we crash at after we've arrived. Sam is deteriorating right before my eyes and I can't even ask the guy what's wrong.

Because I know what's wrong.

I'd be a liar to say that I didn't. I know what's wrong with him and I know the exact moment it went wrong. The damn penny and whatever I said when I had it. Sure, I know he wasn't doing so hot before that, and I know that constantly reminding him how he let me down didn't really help his state of mind, but the penny is when it really started going downhill. For the first time I found myself wondering what exactly it was that I had said to him. I mentally made myself a promise to find out, soon.

I glanced down at Sammy who was eagerly waiting to be turned loose on the endless expanse of clothing. "Three shirts, three pairs of pants, okay?" He nodded excitedly, "Alright then." I let go of his hand and he was off like a rocket. As he explored the forest of graphic t-shirts, I picked him out some socks and underwear. The kid was especially excited about a shirt adorned with Superman's logo straight across the chest. I never could convince Sam that Batman was better.

"Really? That one?" I teased, Sam's face fell, "I mean, Superman is sooooo lame." He stuck his tongue out and clutched the shirt to his chest.

When we reached the checkout, we had gotten three pairs of jeans, socks, and underwear, four t-shirts, I insisted he get the Batman one as well, one plaid shirt, and a toy airplane, I just couldn't resist those God damned eyes of his. The cashier thought he was adorable, telling him as much as Sam grinned brightly back at her. Each item was scanned and placed into a single, large plastic bag.

"That'll be one-o-two-ninety-eight." I dug a spare credit card out of my wallet to pay. I thanked the lady and continued on to the exit.

When we headed back to the car I noticed Sammy was silent. And not that comfortable silence he gets himself into, sometimes. The one where he doesn't speak with words but with knowing glances. No, this was the other silence, the brooding one.

I slowed down my pace so that he could catch up, before reaching down and ruffling his hair.

"'Sup little man?" I asked, tilting my head towards him. "What's got ya thinking so hard?"

"Nothing." Was the reply.

"Don't even try to lie to me Sam." We all know how well that works out.

"It's just—are you sure that the clothes weren't too expensive? We could return them. I don't really need them… honest!" His voice was frantic with worry.

"Hey," I soothed, over the litany of 'I don't need them' coming out of the small boy's mouth. "Hey." I dropped in front of him to meet his eyes. I gripped his shoulders, firmly, trying to comfort him. "We're okay. We can afford it, trust me." Sammy sniffled.

"You sure?" He mumbled timidly.

"Positive. Don't worry about it, dude. I got it under control." I sighed and stood, but I kept one of my hands on his shoulder. "You're okay now, right?"

He gave me a small nod in return.

"Good." I gave his shoulder a quick pat before continuing to lead him back to the car. For the second time today I found myself wondering how the Hell things got so bad Sam didn't even think he deserved new clothes. I don't know what scared me more, the fact that Sam doesn't know that he does, or that he's always had such little self-worth. The scene reminded me some-what of Sam now, quiet, subdued, walking on eggshells around me.

When we got back to the room, I decided to make a long overdue phone call.

-GNS-

"Dean!" Garth's voice rang happily over the line. I had left Sammy to his plane and stepped outside for a second to make the call.

"Hey Garth." I brought my hand to my head in hopes of stemming the headache that was beginning to form.

"What's happening man?" He chimed. I could almost picture him, leaning back in his chair with his legs propped up on the nearest surface, phone sandwiched against his shoulder and his ear like some thirteen year old girl.

"Nothing much, look," I said, getting straight to the point, "The hunt not too long back, the haunted penny or whatever, I was just wondering something."

"Yeah? You were wondering what you said to your brother?" Garth replied, I could hear the snarky look on his face through the phone.

"How'd you—never mind. Yeah, I want to know what I said that was so bad."

"Maybe you should ask Sam. This isn't really my place to tell and I don't want to go stepping on any toes and—"

"Garth." I warned, "Just tell me what I said."

This is where things got worse.

"It started out, well it started out damn confusing if you asked me, but I'm not all caught up on the Winchester history so… You said something about Ruby? And Demon blood. There was some mention about being soulless, yeah I definitely remember that part… And a girl? Not Ruby, I don't think, a different girl."

"No no no, that doesn't make any sense. That would make him mad, sure, but not like how he… not withdrawn like he's been lately." I was shaking my head, and pacing slowly back and forth in front of the door.

"That wasn't all you said," Garth exhaled. "You said," he paused.

"Spit it out man!" I growled, but soon I noticed my mistake and lowered my voice so Sammy couldn't hear. "Just, what did I say?"

"You said that some Benny guy was a better brother to you than Sam had ever been."

And Hell if that didn't just suck all of the air out from my lungs.

He couldn't seriously think that, could he? He couldn't seriously believe that anyone was more important to me than him. How could he even think for one second that some down south vamp could replace him? Because you told him so, dumbass.

"Thanks Garth." I say, hanging up quickly.

It makes sense now. Everything makes sense now. The brooding, the not talking, the not sleeping, the locking himself up in the room and never coming out… it's all because he thinks that I hate him. I don't. I never could. Sam, Sammy has been all I've got since forever and he doesn't even know it. My chest hurts a little at the revelation. How could I let him go through life like that boy inside who doesn't even think he deserves a new pair of jeans? How could I let him live thinking he wasn't worth everything to me? How have I been so damn stupid? Suddenly there's only one thing in the world I want to do.

Get my brother back.

-GNS-

AN2: So that's that! I decided we got so much Sam angst that it was time for a little Dean angst. GUYS THAT WAS THE TENTH CHAPTER. When setting out to write this story ten chapters, and ten thousand words was my goal. I've surpassed that and am not even done and I couldn't have done it without you guys! I hope that you all enjoyed it! Remember guys I LOVE hearing from you. Also, a shout out to those who commented on the last chapter, thanks so much to: Sara.B, SuperYellowSentai, Sari Dark, Eruthiawen Luin, catlove2976, BonanzaRocks, and Ezaki. Thank you sooo much!