Chapter 14: Confessions of a Broken Man

AN1: Hey, we're back, finally! Sorry the wait was so long. Spring break I was away from the computer and then I went and broke my finger so typing just couldn't happen for a while; and now it is still slow going… Also, one of you mentioned how young Sam acts when he is supposed to be ten, I am well aware of how old he seems… and remember, those parts are told from Dean's point of view… I wish I could explain better, but just keep reading and things will start falling into place… Thanks so much to all of you reading! Don't forget to R&R and Enjoy!

-GNS-

When I came to I was sprawled out across one of the motel beds with one hell of a headache.

"Sam?" A voice said from somewhere, before a very blurry face popped into my line of sight. "I think he's waking up!"

"Dean?" I asked, as the face faded into clarity. I took in the very worried and very confused face before me. Slowly, I sat up.

"Okay, what just happened?" John demanded, crossing over to me. I shifted my gaze to him. "One second you're chanting away and the next you're passed out on the ground. How does that work?"

"She came." I breathed. "She stopped or slowed down time or something so that I could be the only one to see her. I think the passing out was due mostly to time speeding back up…" I explained. Bringing a hand up to massage away my headache.

"And?" John asked expectantly.

"And… apparently I'm missing something. Some sort of lesson she wants me to learn before she'll, ya know…" I wave my free hand around in the air.

John nods in understanding, "So, what is this lesson?"

"Don't you think if I knew that I'd be long gone by now?" I sigh, sinking back down to the pillows and tightly shutting my eyes.

Throughout all of the talk and cut off explanations Dean had been standing quietly at the foot of the bed, intently listening to the conversation occurring before him. Now he shifts from one foot to the other, nervously as I slide up to rest against the headboard.

"What's going on?" He asks, his voice is calm, even, and low. Both dad and I turn our attention to him.

"Dean? What are you talking about?" John wonders, and Dean clenches his hands into white knuckled fists at his sides.

"I mean what is happening here? You two are keeping something from me right? Some giant secret you can't, or just plain don't want to tell me? Instead you guys are just gonna walk on egg shells around me whenever I'm in the room to keep from letting the damn cat out of the bag!" Dean exclaims, the frustration boils out of him soon enough, however, and he sinks into himself. He releases the tension from his hands and lets them hang there loosely, as he hunches his shoulders and turns his head down to face the floor.

"It's just, Sammy's my little brother, ya know? I just want to know what's happening, or how to help, or anything. And I know that you both have it figured out, right? You both know where he is and who he's with and what took him and everything. I gathered as much… I just can't figure out why you two won't tell me."

Dean looks heartbroken. In fact, if I look close enough I think I can see the shattered remnants of it lying on the floor in front of him.

I take a quick glance up at my father, his eyes are sad when he gives me a curt nod, before I lock my own eyes with Dean's.

"If I'm going to tell you this, you have to promise me you won't say a word until I'm finished, alright?" I whisper. "You have to promise me you won't interrupt me or deny what I'm saying or any of it, not until I'm done, okay?"

My brother inhales sharply, before nodding numbly in agreement.

"You might have figured some of this out already, you're smarter than you give yourself credit for so I wouldn't be surprised." I pause for a moment, breaking eye contact and taking a deep breath in.

"I am not a good man. I have done terrible things, I've run away from my problems, I have looked into the Devil's own eyes and have seen myself there. But no matter how much bad I've caused, I've done a hell of a lot of good too. I've saved billions of lives, I've put others ahead of myself, I've tried my best to remedy my failures and to clean up my messes. I made a lot of mistakes. Hell, I'm still making them." I close my eyes and let out a shaky sigh before continuing. I meet Dean's steady gaze once again.

"No matter what you think of me after I tell you all of this, after I explain everything, I want you to remember one thing. None of it was ever your fault. Out of all the mistakes I've ever made, leaving you was always the one I hated myself the most for. Remember that."

Dean's mouth is in a straight line but bobs his head in acknowledgement. Still silent.

"May second, 2001 I go to college. I had gotten my early admissions letter in December. I never told you, I kept it hidden at the bottom of my duffle. It wasn't your fault me leaving. Trust me it wasn't, you were the only reason I wanted to stay… But I don't come back. Four years later, two since we've last spoken, and you tumble into my apartment in the middle of the night. I never even bother wondering how you found me, because I wasn't hiding, not from you anyways."

"You have to understand something first, though. Before I was even born I was cursed. Already I was damned to a fate I never wanted. I was the cause of Mary's death, and I was the reason that the apartment burned down with my girlfriend in it. I'm not proud of it, but I know if I had never been born, well, a lot of people would have been much better off."

Dean looks as if he's trying to choke down his words, and John, quietly listening shakes his head sadly at my admission. Neither of them speak, though, so I continue.

"But life goes on right?" I chuckle bitterly, "Later, much later… when things get worse… when I start drinking the blood and working with demons or even starting the damn apocalypse I started to wonder when you would realize that I wasn't worth it. You left me a voicemail once… saying you should just kill me… but after that nothing. No mention of it, not even a knife to the back." I shoot him a lopsided smile. "But it was always there, that on edge feeling that one day you were just going to break. I was waiting for so long."

"One day, not too long ago it happens. Some curse gets you to admit everything you've ever despised about me, all while pointing a gun to my head. I was never—I don't think I could ever be mad at you for any of the things you said, because I knew they were all true. Right? I had been waiting for so long for you to just come out and say it, and you finally, finally did. It was more of a relief than anything, I think."

"The only problem is that you don't remember any of it. I'm not going to say it and you don't bring it up. So here I am, back to waiting again. We don't speak much… not anymore. But I can promise you that your Sam is safe. You probably walked into that room, found him sitting there, and thought that this was the best damn thing to ever happen to you. To get your little brother back. A Goddess named Hebe sent him into the future because of some lesson she wants me to learn, when really she's just making things into a bigger mess than before. I'm gonna get back there and he's gonna hate me more, ya know? More than he does now because he has me back and not… not his little brother." I fight back the tears threatening to fall and look up to Dean whose own eyes are shining with them.

"So I guess, that's it." I exhale, shrinking in on myself, waiting for something. Disgust or hatred or pity or anything. That's not what I get.

"Sammy?" Dean whispers, running a hand through his hair.

"Yeah."

"God," He moaned, something close to anguish coming into his tone as he walked around the bed to get closer to me, "What did I do to you?" He breathed, before crushing me into his arms.

-GNS-

AN2: So I hoped that chapter made up for the long wait! The next chapter shouldn't take that long I promise! Once again I loooooooove hearing from you guys! I always get excited when I get to read a new review… and I always read them :) A special thanks to all of you who waited so patiently for this chapter, and to those who commented on the last one including: , GingerTyPerior, sunshine102897, catlover2967, and Eruthiawen Luin. Thank you all so much!