Chapter 16: Sunrises and Sunsets
AN1: AHHHH! Here it is, new chapter. We're getting really close to the end, but don't worry, there's at least a chapter or two left in it. This one is pretty quick, but I like how it turned out. It might be a little confusing to begin with but it makes sense later so just go with it. I hope you guys enjoy it and don't forget to R&R!
-GNS-
Sometimes I pretend that I'm standing in the middle of a two-way street. And I can only face one direction but I don't know which one to choose. How do I choose? Either way I'll be looking off to the same horizon, but one sun will rise and the other will set, and I don't know which one is better. Sometimes I think that of course it would be the setting one. I like to think that walking straight off the face of the Earth, walking toward that never ending sunset and to just keep going; that would be a pretty good way to end. Other times I look at life and think that it just can't be over yet, and I look the other way, out past the streaks of purple marking the rising sun. Those are the days that I like best. Ones where I can feel the wind against my fingertips as I watch the world streak past me. Ones where the colors of everything else blur and all that is left is me, and my brother, back when everything was so simple. There were a lot of rising sun days back then.
Now—now it's like all I have to hope for is that one day I'll make it to where the horizon meets the sky and that I won't be to terribly upset at what I find there.
They say that dying is an adventure in and of itself, but I've died plenty of times before… and I can tell you that dying isn't much of an adventure at all. That is just what we tell ourselves because we're too scared to accept otherwise.
I used to be afraid of dying. Way back when before everything. Now, now I would welcome it with open arms, and shake Death's hand as he walks me to my end as if we were friends. I guess I forget sometimes that not everyone feels that way. Which is probably why when I talk about it so lightly I'll get strange looks, like a slap across the face, and it forces me to understand that others don't understand me.
Maybe that's why I didn't try harder to explain myself to Dean after abandoning him to die. Because to me I wasn't abandoning anyone. I was giving him what I thought he would have wanted, peace, finally.
That's not what I wanted, Sam. That's never what I wanted.
And yeah I know that now… but before. I thought that he would be grateful for what I did, but he wasn't, not at all. He was just so angry. I didn't know what to do so I shrunk away, back into myself and the shadows that I don't like admitting are there.
I didn't want peace, Sam. Not without you. We're a team, you're my little brother. And if we go down, we're gonna go down swinging, together.
I know. I know.
-GNS-
I break away from my scattered thoughts, and my brother's smaller arms, with a harsh sigh that causes my body to shake with the force of it.
"You're my brother, you know that right?" This smaller, softer version of Dean asks, voice quiet and smooth, too smooth. Did I mention how much I miss my big brother? Cause it's a lot.
I nod numbly. My head bobbing up and down like steady waves and I suddenly feel like a scolded child.
"You're my brother and no matter what you think of yourself, or what you assume I think of you, you will always be my brother. You get that?" His eyes are too big, too bright, they still have that light in them that I haven't seen in forever. And I'm reminded again of where I am.
"Yeah" I breathe.
"And whatever happened that made you think you weren't worth it, all the piles of shit that cause you to become this, that will always be true. It won't ever change. You are my brother, and I'm yours. So you have to accept the things you can't change about yourself and about your life, and forgive yourself for them." Dean explains, eyes never leaving mine. "I think I figured it all out. The lesson you needed to learn? It wasn't so much about you and me, or him. It was about forgiving yourself for the things you think he hates you for."
And that makes sense. Doesn't it?
"Once you find a way to do that, Sam. You're on your way home."
John shifts on his feet where he is standing not too far away. "He's right, ya know?"
My father's voice is gruff and deep, like I remember it always was. "You're one of the best men I've ever met, son. But you gotta learn that you can't control everything, and what happens because of that isn't your fault."
"Okay." I say, eyes squeezed shut. "Okay."
"Cause I will always forgive you, Sam. No matter how many years it's been, no matter what you do, I will always forgive you. You just have to forgive yourself." Dean pleads, "Do that, for me."
I feel my lashes brush against my cheeks as I force my throat to open. "I will."
The next thing I know, I'm standing with white knuckled fists at my sides, warm arms wrapped around me and harsh breaths puffing against shoulder. I exhale, letting the tension drain out of my body as I melt into the hug. My hands uncurling as I slide them up gently around the body in front of me and holding him just as tightly.
I let my eyes slide open as I push back, smile grazing my lips.
"Heya Sammy."
I laugh, tears bubbling out of me with it. I go to wipe them away, feeling much too young.
"Long time no see, huh? How long has it been? Twenty years?"
"Too long." And there I go again, crushing my brother against my chest. Trying to tell him everything I couldn't before with just my arms.
"I remember now." Is what escapes Dean's lips, the whisper echoing in the empty motel room "I didn't before but now that you're back… I remember—and I'm sorry."
-GNS-
AN2: So there it is guys! I hope you enjoyed the chapter and I would love to hear what you thought of it! It's sad that it's coming to an end, I know, but I'll try my best to give the story the ending it deserves. Thanks so much from all of you who commented on the last chapter including: JelloGirl323, Sari Dark, Ezaki, Eruthiawen Luin, sunshine102897, and RippleInThePond. Thank you all for all of the amazing reviews. I love hearing from you guys!