AN

Hello everyone,

I am so sorry about the delay with this update. My previous beta had to give up this story, which meant me finding a new one and obviously it all took a little while.

I would however like to take the time to say a genuine thank you to my old beta Sarah. She's been helping me since chapter 1 and I am grateful for her putting up with me!

I also want to say thank you to Kari, for taking this story over and that I am looking forward to working with her!

Finally, as always thank you to the readers and reviewers. I noticed that a few more people have added this story, which always makes me happy and I would love to have more people's comments and feedback on my chapters.

Anyway, no doubt you are all skimming this note to get to the actual chapter, so I will quit wittering on. I am not sure what you'll make of this one, it was difficult to write and I don't know that everyone will like me for it. What can I say ... Don't kill me! Love you! xxx

Leah POV

I was standing in the kitchen in front of Cris, and he was waiting for me to say something.

I had just told him that we needed to talk, but now, I was so nervous that I had lost the ability to speak. It was ridiculous; I knew what I wanted to say. I had thought about it long and hard after Cris went on patrol, but putting it out there in words was not only scary and complicated, but something that would change everything.

"Leah, are you ok?" Cris's concerned eyes watched me.

"I don't really know." I was relieved to find my voice at last.

Immediately, Cris moved a step towards me. "What's wrong? Is it your leg?"

I waved off his concern, "My leg's fine Cris. It's just … well … I've been thinking."

He raised his eyebrows uncertainly. "About?"

I took a deep breath, "About how my life has always been complicated. Nothing has ever been easy for me, but I'm trying to change. You know that right?"

He nodded silently in acknowledgment.

I continued. "I've always been good at avoiding risks. Whenever I'm scared of getting hurt, I play it safe and pretend my problems will just go away, but I've realised that's not a life - that's just drifting."

I paused again and surprised myself by moving a step forward towards Cris. He looked anxious, so I reached out and took his hand in mine. Finally, I looked into his eyes, "What you said earlier in the forest?"

Immediately, he pulled his hand away. "I'm so sorry about that. You don't have to worry at all."

"Oh." I froze and contemplated his words before looking down at the place where his hand had been, "… But, what if I don't want you to be sorry?"

I was terrified of the reaction I would see, but forced myself to meet his gaze regardless.

"Leah, let's not do this. We're just friends," he stated calmly.

I struggled to believe him. After everything he had done for me and everything he had said, he tried to call us 'just' friends. "Really? That's all there is to us?"

"Yes." He stated.

I calmed myself, knowing it was now or never. If I didn't get my point across, I probably never would. "Cris, there are so many things I don't understand, but you … us … Somehow, it works."

"Leah, it's an impossible situation." He was shaking his head.

"Why?" I asked, trying to understand what was holding him back.

He sighed. "There are so many reasons why. I should never had said what I did earlier."

I felt my hope fading. "Because you didn't really mean it." It was a statement, not a question. I quickly brushed my cheek, hoping he would miss the tear that had just fallen from my eye.

He smiled at me sadly. "Oh Leah, of course I meant it. How could I not? You're the most amazing, resilient, and beautiful person I know. I never want to lose you or hurt you, but I can't give you what you need either."

"And what is it I need, Cris?" My mind was trying to process what he was saying. He did love me, but he didn't want me?

"I can't be a constant in your life, nor can I give you a normal life. We both have too many responsibilities, and I don't want to lose what we have." He pointed at the short distance between us as he spoke.

"You couldn't lose this." I mimicked his gesture. "Besides, I'm not normal, and yes, I do have responsibilities, but you understand that. You get everything there is about me."

"Leah you said…" he tried to add, but I cut him off.

"I've said a lot of really stupid things before now." I felt myself move ever closer to him, and he didn't pull away. I felt my hope rise again. His face was now only mere inches from mine, and I could feel his warm breath on my face.

"Leah, please don't. I don't have the strength to keep fighting you." His eyes were pleading me to move away, and yet his words were no more than a whisper.

"Then, stop fighting me." I laughed ever so lightly, as my hands ran up his chest and settled on his shoulders. In return, his hands also moved and rested lightly on my hips.

We stood like that for countless minutes, just looking into each other's eyes. It was extremely intimate and I had never felt more vulnerable and yet more alive.

Finally, he tried to speak, but I stopped him short. "Please Cris, don't spoil this."

Lightly, he lifted a hand up and brushed my cheek. "I love you Leah, but…"

"No buts." I pleaded quietly.

He shook his head slightly and frowned, "… but Jake."

That name coming from his lips stunned me. It was unexpected to say the least. I felt like I had been doused in ice cold water.

Ever so gently, he lifted my hands off his shoulders and stepped back.

I felt my old defenses coming into play, but I still couldn't hide the hurt in my voice. "What about him?"

His sad eyes met mine, "You love him. Look what happened to your friendship. I need you to understand that I'm not rejecting you - I'm protecting you."

Without thinking, my fist banged down loudly on the table, "For Gods' sake, Cris. You are not Jake and that chapter is closed. Christ, don't you get it? I don't want to be protected. I want to live and I want to feel."

"Leah, you can do all of that, but not with me." The calm exterior that he usually hid behind had returned.

"Look, I spent yesterday at my father's grave, telling him how I've wasted ten years being miserable. Today was supposed to be day one of my new life and you saw what happened - I almost got wiped off the earth by a truck! I don't want to repeat my mistakes and waste any more time. I know what I want. So, as terrifying as it is, I'm laying it all out here for you, and trust me when I say I've never done this for anyone else - not even Jake." I stopped short of my rant and drew a deep breath.

He failed to speak.

"Cris?"

I wanted him so badly to give me a chance.

Finally, he spoke again, "Leah, what am I supposed to say? What do you want from me?"

I bit my lip, unsure of how to answer that question. Eventually, I built up my courage. "I want you to kiss me … if you still want to walk away after that - then fine, but I just want you to try."

He froze where he was and looked at me in surprise. "Leah, listen to me. If I kiss you it changes everything. It's not fair for you to ask me to do that."

"You have already changed everything, Cris. You came here and you saved me in so many ways." I smiled nervously. "All I'm asking is that you kiss me. No conditions. Just once."

Slowly, he closed the distance between us. Retracing his steps so that he stood in front of me, his tall form towering above me. "Just once." He stated.

I nodded. "Just once."

I took a sharp intake of breath as he firmly, but carefully grabbed my waist and pulled me tight against him. His body was pressed up against mine, and I immediately felt safer than I had in a long time. In the meantime, his other hand moved back to my cheek and his fingers brushed lightly over my lips. His blue eyes were looking at me so intensely that I actually felt like I was special.

Tentatively, he started to lean in towards me while his hand continued to cup my face. It was then that he paused, and I considered he was backing out. The relief I felt when he smiled was unbelievable.

"I love you, Leah Clearwater." He whispered softly, before pressing his lips against mine.

Naturally, I kissed him back, savoring as much of the moment as I could. My whole body tingled in delight at his touch, and it was then that I realised I had never really kissed anyone since becoming a wolf. I quickly noticed how much more intense everything was. Taste, touch, sight, smell, and sound – they were all so much more defined. It had never been that way with Sam.

My attention returned to Cris as he deepened the kiss, his tongue gently asking for access. As I willingly succumbed, I wrapped my arms around his neck and held on for dear life.

His slow sensual kissing could only be described as 'right' because it felt so natural to me. We just fitted together, and in that moment, I wasn't a wolf or an alpha - I was just a girl being kissed by a boy, and nothing else mattered.

It could have been minutes, or hours, or seconds, but as time became meaningless, my good leg which was supporting my weight started to weaken. Unfortunately, I had realised only too late and felt it give way. I was surprised when I didn't hit the ground, but then realised that Cris was holding me so tightly it was impossible. I felt him smile against me, clearly sensing my weakness. Unfortunately, it also caused him to stop kissing me and I knew in that moment, it was over. Ever so gently, he checked that I was steady on my feet before unwrapping my arms from his neck. He then kissed me lightly on the lips once more and stepped away.

I automatically tried to pull him back to me, but Cris put his hands up in an apologetic manner. "Leah, I'm sorry. I can't. Just once, remember," He quietly said.

It was then that I realised just how badly I had hoped our kiss would change his mind. "Why? I don't understand? You said you love me. Did that mean nothing to you?"

I felt pathetic and desperate, but I had resolved myself to living my life. I wasn't willing to tiptoe around 'us.' The boundaries between Cris and I had been blurred for long enough and it was time to put them in place. I needed to know either way if I was going to start dealing with things.

"Leah, there's so many reasons … the packs, the distance, what about imprinting? I can't give you the time and attention you so rightly deserve, and I won't be the kind of person who uses you or hurts you; you mean too much to me." With each word he took another step backwards, moving closer to the back door.

I felt disappointed that he was running away. Finally, the hurt came through and so did old Leah. I flung my arms in the air frustrated. "Fine, whatever! You're clearly not the man I thought you were anyway."

Surprisingly, he started to plead. "Leah, I am sorry. This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about. I'm hurting you already. I…"

I cut him off with my hand, not wanting to hear anymore. "It's fine. At least things are clear between us now. You only did what I asked so don't feel guilty!"

"Leah …"

"Cris, really - forget about it. I mean, I personally don't understand how you can say youlove me and then tell me we are only friends, but it shouldn't be a surprise either. Hey, maybe you are just more like Jake than I thought. Either way, it's ok - I'm done. I'm not playing this game again … I'm fed up with excuses from people who say they love me. The reality is that clearly I'm just not worth the risk. It's a shame, because I was damn sure you were." I spat my words at him. I didn't mean to be so horrible, but he was being totally illogical.

He looked torn. "Leah, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to hurt you even more. The risk…"

"Fuck you Cris. The risk is my choice, and you have no right to decide what is best for me. You think you're so sure of everything don't you? I'm just some fragile weakling, well I'm not. I survived the last 29 years on my own and I'm stronger than everyone thinks. The fact is, this isn't about me - it's about you. You always have to be noble - do the right thing, do a good job. Well, what about living? If the shit hit the fan, I'd be hurt, but are you really worried about that, or is it more the fact that a relationship is something you can't control? Well newsflash - whether part of the supernatural or not, shit happens, people get hurt, and you're just a fucking coward." I gave him a filthy glance.

He looked tired and didn't even respond. Instead, he made another move for the back door.

I snapped again. "That's right, run away from the truth. Well, there's no need to leave on my account. I'm going to bed."

Without a further word I turned, and trying my best not to walk lamely, stormed up the stairs and slammed my bedroom door shut.

I heard the back door open and close and as soon as I sensed Cris was out of hearing, threw myself on the bed and let the tears fall freely.

I felt the despair rolling in. It didn't seem to matter what I did. Nothing ever worked out. Day 1 of the new me had been a complete failure, whether it was god, destiny, crazy leeches, or just bad luck, I was screwed.