A bath was just what I needed. It cooled me down while it helped wash away everything I was feeling. Lust for Dill, frustration towards Cal, sadness for Atticus, and lonliness at the thought of Jem not being around. Tears plopped down into the bathwater and it made the bath seem like a puddle while it rained. I don't think I've ever felt so many emotions at once in my life and I don't know if I can handle them all.
My crying didn't stop with the bath, either. As soon as I heard Atticus drive off to take Cal home I dried off and wept all the way to my bedroom. With my nightdress on, I took off to my window and looked out into the night. The stars and the moon were out and lit up the neighborhood. I could see lights out at Miss Rachel and Dill's place. I was glad; I didn't want Dill to see me crying again. I can still see his heartbroken face as I began to cry at the Eddy. Believe me Dill, I didn't want me to cry either. I can't seem to help it anymore. I looked back at the sky again and began to pray.
"Oh, Lord, I don't know what the sky looks like in Europe, but please send Jem some stars and tell him they're from me. Tell him I love him and I miss him very much. He would probably tease me for acting like such a girl but I guess I am one and I can't help it..."
I had to take a pause and reflect on what I just said. It's been a while since he teased me about acting my gender. How old did I think we were anyway? Was a part of me permanently eight or something? I wish I was eight; even though stuff happened, I would love to be in my overalls again and not have to be questioned about how much time I was spending with Dill. Nor would I have to deal with this pain of my brother leaving home to fight in a world war. Isn't that ridiculous? Why couldn't this world leave my brother alone? Doesn't the world know how much my poor brother has been through without it's own stupid war? I'm crying so hard I can't breathe.
That was when I heard a car pull up in our driveway. It was Atticus; oh no! I had to pull myself together. He is under so much strain the last thing he needs is to see how distressed I am. I breathe in as deeply as I breathe out. The cold water I splash onto my face shocks my hot tears. I shiver as I hear him enter our house.
"Scout?"
"Yes," I say, trying to stay calm, cool and collected. I dash out of my room and into the living room where he was taking off his shoes and hat. He turned to look at me with concern.
"You're red," he said.
"What, sir?"
"You got surnburnt and your eyes...have you been crying, Scout?"
"Well, I..." I feel embarrassed. There was no trying to hide it now, though. "Yes, Atticus. I'm sorry."
My eyes began to water again. My embarrassment and shame was beginning to take over now. I don't understand why I'm not the strong little girl I once was.
"Come here," he said with his arms outstretched for me. I practically run to him as he holds me tight. I guess I'll always need my Atticus.
"You're okay, baby," he said to me with a kiss in my hair. "I've got you."