Reflect
Song: Without You by Junip
Fang
How many days are in twenty years? Somewhere along the way, I found a reason to leave her. Somehow, I hoped that she'd just follow the pattern and fall right back into my arms. I should've known better. Maya's slow breathing could be felt beside me. I touched her skin: cold. Not like Max's: living and warm and everything that I ever loved. I walked outside, feeling the lack of silence seeping into my heart. Car alarms warned, sirens blared quietly from their sectors, and lights were all but shut off. The world, and worst of all, her world, all existing without me. I really hurt her. I didn't think that it was possible. I took her for granted, something that I always expected to be there. I almost forgot that there was time without her. For me, there would never be. The stars twinkled faintly. The deep pain was stabbing, a raw ache that cracked my one shred of anything I've ever loved. One star, pale yellow, seemed to mock me and the note that I left that day. Remembering it word for word, I could picture Max. But not without the pain that I've caused, because as much as I don't want it to be...it's permanent.
Dear Max-
You looked beautiful today. I'm going to remember what you looked like forever. And I hope you remember me the same way - clean, haha. I'm glad our last time together was happy.
But I'm leaving tonight, leaving the flock, and this time it's for good. I don't know if I'll ever see any of you again. The thing is, Max, that everyone is a little bit right. Added up all together, it makes this one big right.
Dylan's a little bit right about how my being here might be putting the rest of you in danger. The threat might have been just about Dr. Hans, but we don't know that for sure. Angel is a little bit right about how splitting up the flock will help all of us survive. And the rest of the Flock is a little bit right about how when you and I are together, we're focused on each other - we can't help it.
The thing is, Maximum, I love you. I can't help but be focused on you when we're together. If you're in the room, I want to be next to you. If you're gone, I think about you. You're who I want to talk to. In a fight, I want you at my back. When we're together, the sun is shining. When we're apart, everything is in shades of gray.
I hope you'll forgive me someday for turning our worlds into shades of gray - at least for a while.
You're not at your best when you're focused on me. I mean, you're at your best Maxness, but not your best leaderness. I mostly need Maxness. The flock mostly needs leaderness. And Angel, if you're listening to this, it ain't you, sweetie. Not yet.
At least for a couple more years, the flock needs a leader to survive, no matter how capable everyone thinks he or she is. The truth is that they do need a leader, and the truth is that you are the best leader. It's one of the things I love about you.
But the more I though about it, the more sure I got that this is the right thing to do. Maybe not for you or me, but for all of us together, our flock.
Please don't try to find me. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, besides wearing that suit today, and seeing you again will only make it harder. You'd ask me to come back, and I would, because I can't say no to you. But all the same problems would still be there, and I'd end up leaving again, and then we'd have to go through this all over again.
Please make us only go through this once.
I love you. I love your smile, you snarl, your grin, your face when you're sleeping. I love your hair streaming out behind you as we fly, with the sunlight making it shine, if it doesn't have too much mud or blood in it. I love seeing you wings spreading out, white and brown and tan and speckled, and the tiny, downy feathers right at the top of your shoulders. I love your eyes, whether they're cold or calculating or suspicious or laughing or warm, like when you look at me.
You're the best warrior I know, the best leader. You're the most comforting mom we've ever had. You're the biggest goofball, the worst driver, and a truly lousy cook. You've kept us safe and provided for us, in good times and bad. You're my best friend, my first and only love, and the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, with wings or without.
Tell you what, sweetie; If in twenty years we haven't expired yet, and the world is still more or less in one piece, I'll meet you at the top of that cliff where we first met the hawks and learned to fly with them. Twenty years from today, if I'm alive, I'll be there, waiting for you. You can bet on it.
Good-bye, my love.
Fang
P.S. Tell everyone I sure will miss them.
And as the tears slip down my cheeks, I realize what I have done:
I broke her heart.
And that's something that I will never forgive myself for.