So I pick up the phone rubbing my hand across my face, knowing how hard this call is going to be.

"Benson"

"Sergeant, I've just finished prepping Rollins. There's something you should know….He raped her.'

It's one of those comments you hear all the time, 'The silence was deafening', but it 's something I haven't truly lived until now. She is completely silent. My heart is racing and I can hear my blood pumping. My ears being assaulted as if someone is repeatedly clapping their hands over them, as the blood is forced through my arteries. The sensation is making me queasy. I don't know what I expected but the silence worries me more than anything else…..

"Liv, are you there? Are you ok?"

"Ehmmm, I…yeah…hold on….."

I can hear the rustle of paper as she puts down the files she had been working on and the gentle padding of her feet as she walks across her office, then the slight squeaking and click as she closes the door. Dammit! Why did I not think to ask could she talk or was she alone!? Of course she wants to keep things confidential for Rollins. Again I just didn't think…..

"…..I'm sorry Counselor, I know I shouldn't be, but I'm shocked. "

"Liv, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have just blurted it out."

"How did we not see this coming?... I mean she told me when she first started here that 'something happened at work, it wasn't worth pursuing'… I should have seen it, I saw her face when we went to interview Det. Taymore…."

Then I hear her sigh and suck in a deep breath. Then her breath hitches slightly and I understand she is feeling guilt mixed in with her upset. She has nothing to feel guilty for. God! What was I thinking? This is not a conversation for the phone. As always I am thoughtless! Dammit, how do I explain why I was so thoughtless?

"Liv, She left a few minutes ago, she didn't give me any indication of where she was going but I knew you needed to know as soon as possible in case she heads back to the squad. I'm just leaving the courthouse. I'll be there in about twenty minutes. We need to discuss how this affects the case against Patten…. And of course Rollins."

"OK, Rafael, see you in about 20"

Dammit Rafael! I curse the second that injected itself between my thought of the case and Rollins. It's not that I don't care it's just that I don't feel I should be discussing her like this. It feels wrong.

I start to gather up the files I had strewn on my table for easy reference should the need arise. Sliding them en masse into my briefcase without my usual re-arrangement, I shrug my coat on as I head out to my car.

I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the full-length glass doors as I leave the courthouse. My suit looks fine for this time of day, but my tie is pulled open a little and my shirt is gaping at the neck, my face looks pale and my hair is slightly askew.

Sitting into the car, I quickly fix my shirt and tie and try to flatten down my hair. El Tiburón is always polished. The frightened niño from el barrio can't breach my suit of armor. I can't help my pallor but I don't want the squad to know something is wrong. And if Rollins has gone back to the squad I don't want her worrying.

My thoughts are jumbled as I drive the short journey on auto-pilot. How do I tell Olivia how badly I handled this? Is Rollins ok? Should I have stopped her from leaving the courtroom after that admission? Will the judge allow her testimony? Would I make it worse by acknowledging it, when I see Rollins again? Would she prefer if I stayed professional and made no reference, except directly to the case? If she doesn't testify should I have kept her secret? How will this affect the case? How will this affect her? And oh,…..Olivia? How has Rollins kept this secret while working SVU? How can she hear the stories and not see what happened to her? Did she really not know he had raped her? Did she really believe, until now, that he had ONLY assaulted her?

And too soon for my beleaguered mind, I find myself stepping out of the elevator and into the squadroom….

I throw what I hope to be a casual glance, around the squad room. She's not here, I nod my head stiffly at Fin when he raises his head to look at me.

I gently knock and enter Olivia's office, shutting the door behind me.

She has taken my travel time to calm herself. The emotions hinted at in our short phone call are crushed back down under her work mask. She clearly means business as she steps around her desk to sit on the couch gesturing for me to sit too.

"So counselor, what happened?'

I haven't had the same opportunity to settle myself, so use the moment it takes to pull my coat off and place my briefcase down on the table to take a deep breath. I have no conscious control of the sigh that escapes my lips.

I have no idea where to start… So as always, when emotions threaten my carefully constructed veneer, I click into 'lawyer mode'.

"After Det. Taymore's testimony, she approached me and asked to testify. She said that she needed to do what she could to help the jury convict…I don't know at this stage if her testimony will be allowed but I told her I would need to prep her in case Judge Barth permits it…"

I'm trying to explain how we got from her refusing to go on record to prepping her to testify. Knowing I should have let Benson know that this was all happening.

"I had planned on talking to you after I finished prepping her. As her commanding officer…"

This was the easy part and I am already sweating. Pulling my blue tie open again, I undo the top button of a conservative striped shirt I had uncharacteristically chosen this morning. She watches me silently. Her brown eyes giving nothing away…

"She told me how she had agreed at first to have sex with Deputy Chief Patten, at his suggestion, in exchange for her sister not being prosecuted. She said he was drunk and started pulling at her clothes, how he got rough with her, biting, slapping and banging her head. She tried to get up, but he told her 'Amanda, you know I don't take no for an answer'…."

I could see her eyes start to betray her emotions as she listened silently. Her lip curled as her face tensed when she heard this all too familiar phrase and my resolve started to weaken. She had heard these same words from Det. Taymore. While I needed to stop, to not parrot the dreaded words, I knew she needed to hear them…..

"She told me he pinned her wrists above her head, told her she was going nowhere and nobody would believe her. She told me she gave up…. and he raped her."

She gulped in a deep breath, wincing as she did so. She looked down at her hands clasped on her knee.

I hadn't needed any notes, years of experience allowed me to hold information like this in my head. This was different though. This account felt like it was seared into my brain. My years of training didn't allow me to convey the emotions she demonstrated as she made these admissions….even as they replayed in my head. My shoulders sagged and my head dropped. I didn't know how to explain my reactions or the links and assumptions my brain had unconsciously been making as she had spoken.

A lawyer doesn't deviate from the facts. Supposition has no place in the courtroom.

The silence again assaulted my tender ears as Benson absorbed the detail I had given her.

A voice much quieter than the last time she spoke whispered…

"How was she?"

My hand unconsciously rubs my face and I start to take off my suit jacket as I try to formulate an answer to this…

"She was….she….."

The words won't come out. And Olivia reaches her hand over and rests it on my arm. I can feel my body slumping into the couch now and realize that the conversation is no longer a Sergeant and a DA. It's two people talking about a colleague they are worried about. I'm not in court. It's not just the facts that are important.

"You know how Rollins is, she wouldn't break down in front of me. I could see her choking back her tears."

I sound huskier than usual, my emotions starting to break through.

"It was like she hadn't really understood that he raped her….."I croaked out quietly. My voice cracking as it hasn't since my early adolescence.

She nodded gently.

"Liv, I'm worried I reacted badly. I didn't ask was she ok…. I didn't try to stop her leaving….And I'm worried I let my shock show….."

Her hand gently squeezes my arm reassuringly and she looks away for a second. When she looks back I can see tears shining in her eyes. I pat the hand on my arm in an attempt to return the comfort she attempted to share only seconds ago.

"Rafael, you did nothing wrong. You allowed her to tell her story. You listened. You believed her."

The breath I hadn't even realized I was holding tumbled out. How did she always know how to make any situation better? I didn't feel any less guilty but I did feel better.

"I don't know how she kept it inside for so long, Liv. It has to have been strangling her."

"She only shared it now because she wanted to help Det. Taymore." she whispered emphatically.

She confirmed what I had known from the start. She hadn't done this for herself…..God! They were so alike these two women. I can't help thinking back to last year's trial of Lewis in that moment, and remembering when I found out that Olivia had only found the strength to free herself when Luisa Nuñez was in danger. Or how she risked herself again to save Amelia Cole. And I recognized that as Rollins had, Olivia would refuse to break down in front of me. She would maintain some semblance of her composure as long as I bore witness.

Again my thoughts churned, uncontrolled in my head. Rubbing my face again I forced myself to focus on the task at hand.

"Liv,… where would she go?"

She looked at me for a second before she shrugged her shoulders, trying to shrug off the emotion to concentrate, not so dissimilar to what I had just done myself.

"I don't know." She whispered.

She raised her eyes up to meet mine and I could see she was hurting.

"I think she probably just went home. It's late and she probably needs some time and space to process what just happened."

I nod, the tiniest movement, but my head throbs. "What do we do now?" I ask.

All of a sudden she looks exhausted. As if the events of the last year and a half have finally all coming crashing down on her. Now it's her turn to rub her face.

"We leave her…."

I think about answering, saying no! But then I realize she is right. Rollins needs time to process. She wouldn't want to be coddled. And what is the alternative? An awkward phone call or text offering to be there, saying sorry or asking inane questions? A flash of memory surprises me as I think back on all the times Liv told me she was 'fine' when I tried to enquire about her mindset after particularly bad days during Lewis' aftermath and trial. Asking if someone is ok, in circumstances like these, no matter how cleverly phrased to exclude the word 'ok', is just absurd. She's right, it's only a few hours until we have to be in court. We'll see her then.

In that moment I also realize that I know how I need to deal with her tomorrow. I need to be professional. Not cold, as I know some people see me but, professional. For her, and for me.

I look back at Olivia to see her looking at me, as if she can read the thoughts swirling around unanchored in my head.

"You know you did the right thing for me…. With Lewis."

I'm sure I look shocked. How did she know what I was thinking? And I don't think she has ever brought up the subject without a lot of coaxing. I know to stay quiet, to not do anything to distract from what she needs to say.

"You were in my corner, but you didn't make it harder by making it any more emotional. I knew you were upset and horrified by what he did, but you didn't constantly ask was I ok. You trusted me. You helped. Helping doesn't always mean big emotional heart to hearts. Sometimes silent support is worth more than everything else"

I look away for a second, trying to make sure my eyes don't give me away. I reach out to put my hand on her arm and smile tightly in response. The lump in my throat would block all speech even if my brain were capable of formulating an answer.

"Trust yourself, Rafael. And don't worry about your reaction… You are a good man. "

She starts to stand up and moves over to her desk leaning on it as she turns back to face me, "What does this do to the case against Patten?"

I feel back on more solid ground now, as I pull a file out of my briefcase….

"If she is allowed testify it can only strengthen our case. There are so many similarities…. Which is why I can't see her testimony being allowed…."

She frowns a little but before she can speak I continue…..

"I will fight to allow her to be heard but with no Molyneaux hearing and the fact it wasn't reported at the time…"

She has to know that there is no judgement or implied blame in this statement. She knows me well enough by now to know I understand…doesn't she?

"I know you will fight for her, Counselor."