A/N I really appreciate the follows, favourites and reviews. I would love more reviews?

"I will fight to allow her to be heard, but with no Molyneaux hearing and the fact it wasn't reported at the time…"

She has to know that there is no judgement or implied blame in this statement. Olivia knows me well enough by now to know I understand…doesn't she?

"I know you will fight for her, Counselor."

The relief at these simple words is immeasurable. These eight words, this short sentence says more than an avalanche of words.

She knows that I care.

She understands it will be a fight.

She knows I wasn't trying to judge Rollins for not reporting at the time.

She sees my truth and acknowledges it in these reassuring utterances.

She trusts me.

I feel like a teenager. Like I could take on the world…and win. My head, that minutes ago, was throbbing is now filled with a euphoria even the drunken excesses of my younger days cannot rival. My face starts to lighten as for a second, the day's agony starts to dissolve away.

And then I look back at her….

She is strikingly beautiful, but she looks haunted. Her face is pale.

When she swallows, it's like she is trying to swallow a rock. The wetness still shimmers in her eyes but she holds it back resolutely. She seems somehow, distanced, like her head isn't occupying the same reality as her body.

I look at her more closely…. Usually any more than a casual glance in her direction draws an immediate questioning look, but now she is oblivious to my examining stare. She doesn't look like….herself. Her eyes don't look right… the light is gone. They aren't glassy. This isn't a flashback…. In that instant, her breathing stutters a little. Suddenly it all slots into place for me….she is struggling with the emotions…whether it's the demons of Lewis or Patten and Amanda, I can't say. Probably a combination of both…..

She won't 'let go', she won't allow the emotions rampage unchecked until I leave…

The short-lived euphoria is gone immediately. And in it's place lie dread and exhaustion.

Leave, Rafael. Now.

"I'm sorry Liv, but I need to go finish some paperwork. I need to review my question trees to allow for Rollins' testimony. I won't be sleeping tonight….." I announce as I quickly gather my belongings that have somehow found themselves scattered all over this side of the office.

I feel rather than hear her muttered agreement, "neither will I", to my recognition that sleep will not come tonight, as I stride out of her office. As I release the door to slide back into its frame, I hear a slight squeak escape her as she starts to sag into her chair, slowly turning it's back to the squad room.

I force myself to keep walking straight back out to my car. Not even looking around, to confirm Rollins hasn't returned.

I battle with my briefcase, files, jacket and god only knows what else, to get my key out.….To unlock the door…. I launch everything at the passenger seat, not caring how it lands. My usual precision obliterated, I just want it all in the car so I can slump in after it.

As I clamber into the driver's seat, I recognize that maybe I have been refusing to 'let go' too… I didn't do it consciously. Did I?

My back hits the seat and my head drops to rest squarely in the center of the steering wheel. My hands curling around it's molded outer ring, clasping and unclasping, in time to my own ragged breathing, my knuckles white...

Oh god! If this is how I'm responding to this situation, how is Liv? The temptation to go back up, to check on her, to hold her and let her sob her hurt away is nearly overwhelming. I know I can't though. I know she wouldn't want me to. Perhaps more upsetting to my fragile ego, she doesn't need me to.

I consciously relax, putting my head back against the headrest, laying my open hands on knees. I take long gentle deep breaths. The tornado still ravages on in my head, but I try to calm my body and breathing.

My excuses for leaving Liv's office were all valid. I do need to do all those things. Should I head back to the office or home?

Even this simple decision doesn't come easy, I dither for a few more minutes until the lure of a shower and a scotch before I start to work is undeniable.

Again, my brain smashes me with another damning insight. I want a shower. I want to wash away the day, the obscenity of what Patten did, feels like it is clinging to my clothes. At this thought I lose the battle with my emotions and cannot stop a few tears leaking out, as I grasp that this gives me only the tiniest inkling of how Rollins feels…

Liv said that when she first started in SVU here, she told her that 'something had happened that wasn't worth pursuing'. She can't have meant this, can she? How can she not know that this is worth pursuing, she is worth the struggle. Whether she can testify or not, I, no we, need to make sure she understands she is believed and to tell her as many times as is necessary, that this is worth pursuing, she is worth the struggle.

How can she survive this? How can anyone? The maelstrom of emotions that's battering me is incomprehensible. I can't begin to separate them into cohesive thoughts. The images of Patten hitting her, biting her, pushing her down, pulling at her clothes bombard my frazzled mind. I can't allow myself to picture him raping her. I don't even want to know how to build this picture….. And then it's all stopped in an instant, and the silence descends.

THIS is what Olivia meant when she said she didn't want these type of images in my head, in anyone's head, when I questioned her reluctance to give me more detail as we prepared for Lewis' trial.

She wanted to protect me, us, from the cacophony, from the mental torture? Or was it because she was afraid I would see her differently? Somehow less?

This gives me pause. I stop. Clearing my mind, I try to evaluate my roiling emotions…

Do I see her differently WITH all the detailed images of what Lewis did to her?

Do I see her as any LESS?

How do I see her NOW?

Even when it comes to my emotions I can't help my methodical, systematic approach. Whether it's nature or training, I analyze my three questions as carefully and honestly as I can.

Do I see her differently with all the detailed images of what Lewis did to her?

I suppose my intuitive answer here is YES!

I want to say NO! I don't want to validate her anxieties.

But I can't say no when every fiber of my soul insists I do see her differently. What she went through shouldn't change the way I see her, but I can't deny it does. She has been through so much…..I want to protect her. I don't want her to suffer for a second more. It's not that she can't protect herself. I am more than aware she is better able to protect herself than I am.

It's probably partly because of my feelings for her, but also human nature, I just don't want to see her hurt again.

I don't know if I would want to protect her if this hadn't happened.

Perhaps I only want to protect her now, because I know what can happen, what she needs to be protected from. It's not a fanciful, abstract concept I want to protect her from it's an alarming reality. The danger now further reinforced by what Rollins has endured at the hands of her superior,... a police officer. When even a police officer of such high rank can be unmasked as a predatory sexual offender, no, a rapist, how can I not want to help Liv protect herself? This is not a reflection on her, it's a reflection on the world around us.

I don't want to 'see' these things happening to her, even if it's only my mental cobbling together of the details she shared. Those details that took root in my mind refusing to let me shake them loose..

I can't imagine for a second how she endured the unendurable?

How she survived the physical, sexual and emotional agony?

I don't ever want to be responsible for causing her anymore pain. She has had more than a lifetime's share.

How do I see her now?

Incredibly resilient. Strong. Tough. Beautiful. Intelligent. Compassionate.

And I realize I don't need to answer the last question, I already have answered it in the first two. NO! She is not any LESS because of her experiences. She is not broken, or wounded or any of those other words thrown around to describe VICTIMS. How can she be broken and be so strong?Wounded...Hmmm this is possibly true, she has been wounded. But then again, have I not just answered my own question….. again? She HAS been. She is at the very least recovering...

I feel more at peace now.

I realize that merely as human beings, events such as Lewis for Olivia, or Patten for Amanda, may change how we see them. But it's not a negative change. It's because we hurt for them. We want to help. I see how easy it would be to let this get too far, to treat them as a different person altogether in an attempt to salve our own conscience, to heal their wounds or even to protect them. If we keep control of it though, it's a support mechanism for us and for them, to help us all recover. And when they protest against it, it is no more than stretching their muscles of independence, asserting their control again. It's our way of loving them, of coping, and trying to help.

Amanda is going to be ok.

There's going to be some hard times ahead.

She's going to hurt again, but maybe like an incorrectly knitting bone, it must first be re-broken to fix properly.

She is the same person. She is the same good detective. The same woman, maybe even stronger. It will just take time.

Having stilled the storm inside for now, I turn the key and head home.

One of those hard times for Amanda, for all of them, will be tomorrow.

Regardless of whether she is allowed testify, she will need us.

I start to mentally reformulate my question trees as I shower.

As I pour myself a scotch I start to plan my arguments for getting her testimony included.

As the hours tick by, I have readjusted my plan of attack. I feel confident and prepared as I take my morning shower and dress for court.

The coffee machine that has hummed all night is refilled again and a light breakfast is consumed before I head to court.

Driving to work, I go through my checklist of things I need to do. Calls I need to return, emails to be answered, there are motions to be researched, written and submitted. I decide not to ask Liv's opinion on the rest of the squad, on whether they should be told or not? This is Rollins' decision. She understands that if she testifies, Fin and Amaro will hear it. If she wishes to tell them when the decision has been made on her testimony, that is her choice. She has had enough forced upon her, I won't allow this to be another thing she has no choice in. This is the beginning of her regaining her control.

Maybe she has already told them? She and Amaro are friends. Fin is her partner.

They already know that something happened…..

It won't soften the reality but they will be there for her.

The same way they were there for Liv….. I don't think they were in the courtroom when Liv parceled out the horrific details of her four days with Lewis. I think they stayed away. I don't know whether she asked that they not go, or if they decided to respect her privacy and spare her the indignity of their presence. I can't believe Capt. Cragan didn't keep her statement and the DD5s as confidential as he could. Even when Lewis came back and used Amelia Cole to lure her away, I don't think the squad would have gotten all the details. They knew enough from other victims to know what he was capable of, his M.O., they didn't need the sordid detail.

They're good detectives... and good men. They are as protective as I am of their colleagues, maybe even more so…they will do right by Rollins.

I can't say I'm looking forward to the day. It will be emotional. It will be difficult. I'm starting to feel guilty in advance,... whether I have to ask horrible probing questions or tell her she can't testify, I know the guilt will come.

I don't want to hear the details from her mouth again. It will hurt her and it will hurt me. It will hurt anyone who knows her.

The passing of the night has allowed me to center myself, to live it, to feel all of this, as I must. The emotional rollercoaster will restart. The maelstrom will hit again. I will feel hopeless. I can do all of this knowing that she CAN survive this. With all of us helping her, she WILL survive this.

I will fight to let her be heard, to tell her story, to try and ensure her sacrifice protects others, to help her know she is believed and to tell her that this is worth pursuing, she is worth the struggle.

I take a deep breath and walk into the courthouse, repeating this quasi-mantra to myself, knowing that I have armored myself for the battle to come. I have slipped comfortably back into my work self, the tribulations of the last night left securely at home.

I nod my head making eye contact, hoping to communicate my silent support.

"Good Morning Rollins"