A/N I can't thank you all enough for the reviews and follows. They mean so much. Very few people seem to be reading but hearing from you makes it ok. I think I need to write this even if I never post it. I really hope too, that the writers don't just move on and leave this behind. I did try to write the guys having a conversation but no I don't think it's right. I do envisage them speaking individually to either Liv or Rollins herself…..maybe. ;) Please keep telling me what you think, and a million page long review is perfectly ok!

Amanda, what were you thinking?

I suppose if I was to be honest with myself I didn't really have a choice. I could put the guys off "Sorry Nick, I can't, I have a doctor's appointment for Frannie", or "Nah Fin, I just really need some time…." But when the sergeant calls and says we need to meet for a 'chat' before I start back, I don't really get to say no!

So here I am waiting for her.

In fairness, I am early though so it's my own fault I'm standing out in the bitter New York cold. After everything, I'm terrified she's going to remind me she doesn't trust me and if she wasn't so short staffed she'd get rid of me, so I thought the least I could do was to be on time. I need this job so I need to somehow get back on her good side, well everyone's good side really….

Shit, here she is….

Maybe standing out in the cold wasn't actually all that bad...

"Hey Liv"

"Amanda, Good to see you. It's so cold out here, lets go inside"

Ok, just breathe, Amanda.

God how am I gonna even swallow coffee. And if I do manage to get it past the massive lump in my throat, my stomach might just throw it back out the instant it hits.

Shit, was she talking to me? I completely missed whatever she said…

"Amanda?"

"Sorry Liv, I didn't hear that?"

"It is busier in here than I was expecting…Do you want to go somewhere else?"

God no! I just want this over as soon as possible. Please just give me the warning of 'last chance saloon', tell me I need to move on from the past and get my shit together…and let me go home to Frannie.

"No this is fine Liv, I just wasn't really paying heed, what did you ask me?"

I've never been so happy to see a barista. Just the slight reprieve while we order and collect our drinks is giving me a second to get it together.

"How are you, Amanda?" she asks as I sit down, not even waiting until I get my first sip,…although with the way my stomach is revolting, maybe that's not a bad thing….

"Good….I took a vacation, went to Costa Rica for a yoga retreat…."

I hurry to tell her what I did, it sounds good. Something she may even approve of… As the advertising said, it 'encourages mindfulness, allowing you the peace to center and relax your inner being…' Maybe that's close enough to talking to a therapist that she'll back off.

"A yoga retreat in Costa Rica….." she says smilingly broadly. Maybe she is approving….

"It was the furthest I could get away from New York,….and Atlanta. It was good" I try really hard to keep my face neutral, the last thing I need is to give anything away or for her to ask too many questions .

"You work through some stuff?"

Ok, this I can deal with, I have an answer ready for this one, with an example of progress…..

"It was….. therapeutic,….. we were, ehmm,…. We were meditating on the summit of this volcano and the yogi comes over and taps me on my shoulder…I didn't even tense up" I grin at her, trying to communicate a sense of achievement.

"Good for you…." Her smile beams back at me, nodding in approval.

"And now that you're back, you'll continue with therapy….."

Wow, where did that come from? Crap I can't outright lie and say I've been talking to a therapist. I'd hoped that maybe the word therapeutic would be enough to deflect her asking outright…..

"Look I'm so sorry for what I put y'all through." It's the truth so I may as well get it out there now…. Maybe it will also be enough….

"No Amanda! ….." Damn! The smile that was beaming at me only a second ago is gone and her head is shaking…..this can't be good...

"I'm sorry for what you put yourself through…."

Oh God!

I feel like I've been sucker-punched. How is it possible that this is going even worse than I expected? The hard look she is giving me is just too much. I can't keep eye contact…. My eyes duck down guiltily…...

Look up at her again, Amanda. Now!

I know that she doesn't like me not making eye contact when we try to talk. I force my gaze back up to her…...

I can't risk a word because the fragile grasp I have on my emotions would not hold.

I start to chew on my lower lip, my eyes constantly flicking between the table and her silently probing gaze.

I really thought she would keep talking if I stopped.

I really think she is going to just sit and wait for me…...

Shit. What do I do?

This is the full, laser focused, Liv stare, I haven't got a chance of bullshitting my way out of this one…..but equally I can't tell her the truth.

What does she want? Do I tell her its all good now? Tell her how hurt I am? Tell her how lonely I am? Tell her how I wish I'd gone to her therapist but just couldn't?

She really is going to sit and wait me out...

Her stare isn't as hard now though, it's like she was trying to make a point but now can't help the concern that's flashing through…...

This is the woman that has tried to help me in every way she can, even though I don't deserve it. She was there all the way through this whole 'episode' with Patten…she deserves a little honesty.

My voice squeaks out "It's hard…..." almost before I realise that it is my voice.

She nods kindly, putting down her cup. Her face is all compassion now.

"Amanda, it IS hard. What happened to you was terrible. I don't know how you've kept going for so long on your own…."

This is nearly tougher than the ass chewing. I'm only going to disappoint her…...I can't keep my eyes from dropping to the table now. No matter how hard I try they just will not raise back to meet hers.

"Amanda, you need to hear me now."

I dip my head slightly, once, in answer…..it seems to be enough though and she continues…...

"I understand that you don't want to be a victim. How hard it is to reconcile what happened to you with your image of who you have to be to do this job…..."

How did she know?

I feel like I've been punched in the chest again…...

Now the eyes that wouldn't move from the table, slip up to meet hers without my permission.

I can only imagine that my face is telegraphing my struggle to keep myself together, and somehow now all I can see in amongst the compassion and empathy on her face is the approval I have been so desperate for.

THIS is what she wanted…

So all I needed to do was tell her the truth?

But how much of the truth? How much of the truth is the right amount and how much will send her and all of them running in the opposite direction?

"Amanda, I wish we were closer….when you first started here, I was so hurt from losing my partner of 12 years, I just never gave you a proper chance…"

"No Liv, you've always been….." I didn't even get to finish before she had raised her hand to stop me…

"No I haven't….And I now find myself quite often wondering how Cragen did it. He balanced being in charge with always being approachable if we had a problem. I'm still trying to get that balance right…. But we can fix it all now. In some ways WE are nearly worse than the guys, WE find it even harder to show any weakness…."

I swallow so hard at this that my throat hurts, how can she know how I feel? How can she be inside my head?

"I understand…...You know what happened with Lewis, and you know I had been previously sexually assaulted at work. I wasn't raped but I came close..."

My gaze has to be searing into her now. I can't look away. I can't speak. I can only look at the strongest woman I have ever known, maybe admit to some of the feelings I have felt so weak for battling.

"Some of the feelings that get left behind, even WE don't understand. We can't avoid them, even though we know they aren't right. Sometimes I wonder if that makes it even harder…...?"

I nod. This is how I feel.

She smiles tightly, it never reaching her eyes, and just for a moment, at my agreement.

"A vacation, or talking to a therapist doesn't fix it all. Talking about it does help separate the reality from the feelings though. I know you must feel betrayed….?"

I don't know how to respond to this, I don't know how I feel…..so I just keep looking at her…..

"Your CHIEF raped you…."

I cringed involuntarily as she said this….I know I said the words but it still feels so wrong. It's so hard to hear those words in relation to ME.

"I know it still has to be hard to hear that word…but he did. He raped you. And I have no doubt that you were right when you felt you had no recourse in your Atlanta department. And then you came to New York. When he raped Det. Taymore here, you must have felt like it was all just repeating? When you couldn't even testify it must have been a confirmation that you were right all along…..?"

She stops talking and just continues to look at me, she is definitely waiting for an answer…I don't know what to say.

I don't know what I felt…..I try to take a deep breath, it is much shallower than I had intended, the weight pressing on my chest restricting me.

"I know he raped me. I guess I sortta always knew….under it all…." my voice whispers.

She leans in closer to me. I think it's only partly because I spoke so quietly, I think she is trying to make me feel less…..alone?

"I really didn't have any hope of help in Atlanta…." My voice is even quieter, more timid now.

Her hand snakes slowly over to rest on my arm, "No you didn't!" she confirms.

My mouth drops open. She really believes me. She isn't just agreeing with me. She says I didn't…..I will never be able to admit how much this means to me. I feel somehow validated.

This infuses my crumbling spirit with a new power.

"When it all started here, I knew it wouldn't be the same but I was so afraid…." The words continue to slip out, "afraid I was wrong….."

The hand on my arm tightens its grip, "That's ok, That's understandable. How could you not?"

My heart is bursting out of my chest. The thuds accompanying each beat have to be audible half way across the coffee house. She doesn't think I'm crazy. She doesn't feel insulted….

So do I stop now?

Before I can even finish processing that thought, I hear my tiny voice again "I understood not being allowed to testify, legally, I really did…I just felt…."

I stop, searching for the right word, but none fit exactly….. It felt like no one really believed me, like I wasn't worth listening to, like I wasn't worth the same as Reese, like I didn't matter….how do I put all of that into one word?

I see her lips curl into a sad smile "Worthless…." she offers.

It's like the weight has been lifted all at once and my body relaxes from its tense posture. I can only nod my agreement…..my head nodding repeatedly, as I mull this word over. "Worthless." Yes that's how I felt. Like I was worth less than everyone else. Like I had no worth….

I find my head is still nodding as I look back to her.

"Is Barba angry with me?", I didn't mean to ask, knowing how childish it makes me sound but the words escaped.

"No! He was never angry with you. He's more like you than you give him credit for. He is so worried about you, if you feel he let you down by not being able to let you testify? He wants to help in any way he can but he doesn't want to crowd you. He's worried if he tries too hard, you will think he doesn't respect you…"

"He was better to me than I had any right to expect. I could have helped his case so much earlier on if I'd be honest…"

"He cares a lot more than he likes people to know, Amanda. He is part of our team now and he worries that we're not always on the same side, so we can't be on the same team. He feels like he pushed you into testifying. He just wants to know you are ok and for you to know that he is here for you. Don't be shy on taking him up on it, he'd love it."

She really understands.

I feel so relieved. I know I'm grinning now.

"It's not all gone, it just doesn't feel quite so insurmountable…..talking really helps. Doesn't it?." She adds hesitantly. I guess my grin is answer enough as she continues.

"Amanda, you see so many different reactions to rape in our job and you don't judge them. You understand them for what they are. You need to allow yourself some of that understanding. You need to lean on your team, allow us to help. I know it must be hard to trust after what you went through but we are here for you. Have you spoken to the guys about this at all?"

I look at her in surprise, I assumed she had spoken to them…..

Again as if she can hear my thoughts she states, "I didn't..., I told you that was your decision what you want to tell them."

So Fin and Nick weren't calling me because they were told to…..

"You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to….." she starts to give me the option of not answering.

"No, I…eh…..I haven't really. They've both been calling….."

"They've been worried about you. They want to help….." she adds, again as if she is reassuring me that they did it of their own volition not under her orders….

"I kindda spoke to Fin a bit, before…..he came looking for me when Dodds interviewed Patten….."

She thinks for a second trying to fit this into the timeline, remembering the interview, "He had suspicions?"

I nod, "He found me in a bar and demanded to know what happened between me and Patten".

She chuckles, "Good old Fin….."

"I didn't say….the words….but I think he knew. I told him enough..."

She nods again, "And Nick?"

"I haven't really talked to Nick at all about any of it…I just kind of assumed that maybe you or Fin…?"

She now shakes her head, "Nope not me, and I don't think the guys really talk like that. Fin would never break your confidence. Even if he felt it would be in your best interest….."

At this comment she raises her eyebrow a little, as if it was an aside to herself.

So how does Nick know?

Who else could have told him?

Again it's like she's inside my head, "They're good men, Amanda. Nick, Fin and Barba... They are all very different but they are so sensitive to their surroundings. Look at how good they are with victims, knowing when to discretely back off but also winning the trust of brutalized women without even words."

I really have underestimated them. Now that I think about it, Nick kept reacting to my interactions with the "Good Old Boys". He kept questioning my reactions. And Fin was very quick to back me up in Atlanta when we were looking for the kits that Patten had. I didn't even realize it, but they were reacting to my feelings, my responses, my reactions.

I really had not seen what was right in front of me. I can't just blurt out my feelings to everyone or share my deepest secrets smilingly over coffee. I can't change who I am. Maybe I could say yes to the invitation from Fin to that gaming thing he's been talking about. Maybe I could meet Nick like I used to, for a drink, after what happened with his dad he might need a friend too. Maybe just not having it all to face alone…...

"It doesn't come naturally to me….." I whisper smiling.

She smiles, and this time it encompasses her whole face. "We like you for who you are Amanda. You don't need to change for us, actually, please don't change. Just allow us to help."