*Daryl*

Things had been a lot different when we got Beth out of Grady. It weren't like I thought it would be like at all. After weeks of searching and tracking her down I thought finding her and bringing her back to us, back to her family would bring me some kind of peace. Thought it might somehow allow my guilty conscience to ease or free me from the endless torment I felt, not just since losing Beth, but also since losing Sophia.

Rick said that Sophia going missing was because of him, but it didn't take no genius to work out that if he hadn't have gone after that little girl on that highway and killed them two walkers, she would have been dead before she even hit the creek and probably right in front of her moms eyes too. Rick had gotten that girl to safety, but getting her outta them woods, bringing her back to us, that was on me. I knew them woods like the back of my hand, knew every inch of them trails too, had been huntin' in them for years me and Merle. So there was no reason for me not to bring that girl back. But I failed, and that day on Hershel's farm, watching Sophia come out of that barn with all them walkers, hearing Carol's screams and feeling her collapse in my arms, and every tear she had cried over her daughter since. That was on me too.

This time was different though, I had found the girl, we had saved Beth and brought her home and that should have accounted for something right?

But it hadn't played out like that. In fact, as I had carried Beth's limp broken body in my arms out of Grady Memorial that day, it hadn't felt the same as seeing Sophia at the barn, but it didn't feel no different neither. The guilt still coursed through my veins and the regret was so deep seated that it had filled my thoughts every day since, and my dreams each time I put my head to the pillow at night. My dreams always led me back to that night at the funeral home, that night just sat there with Beth, food in our bellies, a roof over our heads and that smile of hers that could damn near light up a room. It seemed like we were the last two people on this god-forsaken earth and although we had both lost too damn much, just for a split second it seemed like something had come good for once.

I figured that night haunted me more than any other because it was one of the first times in my 'piece of shit' life I had dropped my guard, been dumb enough to believe that there was anything decent left in this world, and that a piece had been carved out for me and this girl. It had felt so close, like I could almost reach out my hand and pull it right in. But my life ain't never been like that and I was a fool to think, even for a beat that it could be. Happiness ain't out there for people like me. That shit is reserved for good people, people with good graces who are brought up to act right and who ain't never had to do a bad thing in their damn lives. Happiness was reserved for people like Beth, because she only saw the good in the world, not like me I knew the place had gone to shit a long time before any damn walkers showed up. But the longer I had spent with her, the more that line had blurred and I got a glimpse of something different, hope maybe? I dunno. It was only ever gonna be short lived tho'. Not cus of her or anything she had done, and not cus that smile of hers couldn't have convinced me that there was still good to be found in people. It was short lived because I had sent her out of the safety of the world we had found, and pushed her straight into the arms of danger.

The night she had gone, I had run after her until every bone and muscle in my body was torn apart, destroyed. And if the truth be told I had never stopped chasing her down since. I was always looking for a sign that would allow me to find her, allow me to finally stop running and breathe again. That night in the funeral home, Beth Greene had somehow become the air in my lungs.

But as I carried her outta that hospital, saw her bloodied knuckles, felt her beat up body, listless and broken against mine, there was no sigh of relief at having found her. Instead all I felt was a tightening in my chest, a deep anger that what had happened to her, may have been worse than death for someone who was so unspoiled and innocent. And just like the night she had gone missing, I felt like I couldn't catch my breath.

In the days that followed her being brought back to the house, I waited in her room, stayed as Maggie and the others all held vigil at her bedside, and watched as she fell in and out of consciousness. Each time she would awaken her eyes would try to focus, almost as if she was seeking something out and each time her eyes would settle on me she would fade away again. Leaving me with only the memory of how the light had gone from them perfect blue eyes of hers, and the knowledge that she had lost all of her hope because of my actions.

Carol had called me a coward for staying away from Beth when she woke up. I weren't surprised though, that was Carols way. Always meddling in my business, trying to get in my thoughts and be some sort of voice of reason. She had done the same at Hershel's over Randle, even tried to guide me right with my own brother, and had it been anyone else, I would have told them to back the hell off.

Me and Carol tho, we got some history and whether I like it or not she knows what's going on in my head. She knows the guilt I fight with each day, understands it too, without me havin' to say a single word. Maybe it's because she fights the same demons, battles with regret over things she has done and choices she has made. Either way, she knew when I said I didn't want to talk about Beth, not to push the matter any further. And because of that, I spent most of my time with her, going on runs, securing the fences around the house and doing a couple overnight hunts. I stayed busy, stayed focused on my tasks and tried to put Beth outta my head. But it had been a damn waste of effort, because she had filled my thoughts every day, just like she had when she was taken away. Always in the front of my mind, like a light refusing to be dimmed.

Today had been a shock seeing her, I at least expected her to be bed bound for a couple more days, given how banged up she had been. So it had put me on a back foot walking in and seeing her sat there alone, away from everyone else in the kitchen. She looked tired out and fragile and it pulled on my chest that I couldn't just go over and carry her back to her bed so she could rest up some more. But given my track record for doing the best thing by her, I was the last person in a position to do that. So I did what I thought was right, I stayed away.

My eyes had met hers once or twice, just quickly; just long enough for me to see there was nothing there no more. Grady had taken her light, me letting her get captured that night had broken her.

I started in at the breakfast Carol had made, keeping my eyes down trying focus on what Carol was saying whilst my mind played over and over that night in the moonshiners shack. Beth had said, ''you are gonna miss me so bad when I am gone Daryl Dixon." The truth was I did. I missed that girl every damn day she was away. But now she was here back with us, it was like I still missed her, missed her smile, the way she talked, missed the way the sun always seemed to shine on her, for her.

The only thing I couldn't miss was the truth, and that was that I had brought Beth back to us, but the girl we knew, that sweet, naive girl who had brought me hope when I thought the world was damned, she had gone and weren't ever coming home.

I could feel the anger start to pulse through my veins at the things that must have happened to her to take away that innocence, and even though I could hear Carols voice in the back trying to offer some comfort, trying to calm me down, my mind was spinning. It was only when I had heard a cry from Beth and watched her as she ran from the room, did the anger subside and like instinct pulling through me I stood from the table and took off after her, calling her name.

As I reached the door of her room and turned the handle, I suddenly realised, coward or not, it was time for me to face Beth, time to try and put right all my wrongs.

After all, this was all on me.

*Authors Note*

A 'Beth' chapter is coming up next