A/N Thank you so much for the follow and fantastic reviews, a special note to thelisa17, I haven't found Carisi's voice yet so I opted to leave him out rather than get him wrong, but I threw in a mention for you, I borrowed your brilliant word eager, in reference to him it was just too perfect to not. I love to hear from you, any opinions or suggestions?

"It can really help. I want you to feel how I see you…"

I can't even count how many times I've replayed my conversation with Nick in my head. This one comment, though, just won't leave my mind. It's always there in the background.

So many people have said I need to, or should go see a therapist and I can quite easily disregard their advice.

I know in my head it can't have been my fault, I told him to stop….I just can't control the feelings that make me doubt myself.

I do wonder if maybe a therapist might actually help, but then I put myself in the room; the easily accessible tissues, the motherly woman in pearls and a sensible sweater set, telling me how horrible it was and advising me on how to avoid dangerous situations, and I realize again how it is just not for me.

And then Nick's comment plays again and I wonder….

I've never told anyone but I did, once, try a therapist.

I've never found it easy to talk about the things that really bother me, I prefer to play it through in my head, but it was all getting on top of me.

It was a while after, but still years ago now. I hadn't been able to even consider sex. The thoughts of even just being in a situation with a man that could possibly lead to sex, was simultaneously terrifying and disgusting to me. But as with everything, nature will out…and I found myself missing it. I didn't quite know how to go about it though… Do I just find a willing candidate and see what happens? Do I have a big 'talk' before? Or do I wait and see if I need to explain myself? Do I try and find someone I particularly like, maybe hoping for more, or just get it over with? Do I jump into it quickly or try and build a relationship first? Do I aim for a friend who I trust and just enjoy the benefits? My questions were endless and I hesitantly made an appointment.

Everything I stereotyped seemed to be reality. She was, as I expected. At every opportunity, the tissue box was pushed across the little coffee table, completely unnecessarily.

I left that appointment even more disillusioned and completely turned off therapy.

I'm surprised now to admit to even considering trying again, but the promise in that statement of Nick's is just too tantalizing to ignore. To be able to see myself as more than just worthless, damaged, dirty Amanda Rollins, maybe it would be worth just trying…

I think I would like a man, like Liv had. No chance of pearls then! I have no idea how to go about finding one though.

Not for the first time I'm looking in at Liv working in her office, trying to build up the courage to ask for her help….

It's now or never Amanda.

The guys are all out. Liv is doing paperwork but not too engrossed to be disturbed….

I knock gently on the open door…..already rethinking this madness but too committed to turn back.

"Sarge, have you got a minute?"

"Amanda, yeah come in. I'd be glad of the excuse to take a break from this mountain of paperwork. No matter how much I do, it never really seems to get any smaller." She jokes lightly, pulling her glasses off as she comes around her desk, closing the door, gesturing to me to take a seat.

"What can I do for you Amanda?" she asks softly, pouring us both a coffee.

I take the coffee grasping it thankfully in my hands.

"Ehmmm I feel bad asking you, but….I've been thinking that maybe I should try speaking to a therapist…..I was hoping you could maybe help me find someone?" I force the words out quickly before I have a chance to reconsider.

"I would be very glad to, Amanda." She answers immediately, beaming a huge open smile at me.

I'm chewing my lip, looking down guiltily knowing I don't have the right to ask her.

"Really Amanda, I would be so happy to." She adds, "Can I ask what has made you reconsider? It's ok if you don't want to tell me though….."

Whilst I'm not completely comfortable in this conversation, this is not as bad as I thought it would be.

"No, of course, it's just…..I spoke to Nick a few days ago….He really didn't know."

She nods knowingly, "I meant it when I told you it was your decision Amanda. I'm glad though, that you spoke to him."

I laugh as I admit that he basically had to cage me in a car on a stakeout and push me into it… She laughs genuinely at this, pointing out that it doesn't matter, I did it and tells me how she has many conversations 'encouraged' upon her by merit of being trapped in a car on a stakeout.

"Amanda, how did it go?" she queries kindly.

I'm surprised now, at my reaction, I've sat back into the chair comfortably, one leg tucked partly under me, my arm is only loosely wrapped around my waist as I sip at my coffee. I should be much more tense, how am I so relaxed having this conversation?

I decide to try the honest truth that worked so well with her the last time.

"To be honest, it was really hard…"

I have her full attention as she nods, silently bidding me to continue.

"He was upset…not at me, at what happened….."

"Did you expect him to be upset at you Amanda?"

"Yeah, a bit I guess,….I don't know why really, but yeah….."

Her brow furrows a little at this but she says "You did nothing wrong but I can understand the concern…."

"He had his suspicions of course but no real detail, I started to tell him what happened,…. the broad strokes but….it all came spilling out. Stuff I didn't mean to tell him… We were both really upset…He was really good though. He just said something that has made me wonder if I should just give it a try….talking to a therapist, I mean."

She smiles broadly again. "Sometimes it can take a comment or observation that just won't quit, to push us the final steps…..for me, it was something Brian said after Lewis….Yes, I was very hesitant, at first, to go to a therapist."

I cringe slightly as the memory of my words to her floods back, 'I don't need to pay someone to listen to my problems….' I want to apologize again but it doesn't seem like the time. She really seems to understand…

I nod in agreement and shrug, "I don't know if I can do it, or if it will even help but I guess it can't really hurt…."

"It won't be easy, there'll be days you may even think it's making things worse, but if you can stick with it….I'm not saying it goes away, but Amanda, I can't explain how it changes things…."

I hear Nick's words now, how it could be a safe place to let out all the stuff you can't say, where feelings count even if they are based on untruth. Where your words won't be judged or used against you…..

Maybe this is not such a bad idea…..although my palms get sweaty even at the thoughts of it.

Her phone beeps and she turns to her desk, to retrieve it.

"Carisi,….." she mumbles opening the message, she turns back to me grinning, "I don't think I could ever have been that young and that eager!".

We both laugh at the thought.

"He's fitting in really well, with a bit of guidance from my more experienced Detectives…." She looks at me pointedly.

I know she's telling me she trusts me and I can't help beaming back excitedly at her.

"I should let you get back to your paperwork" I announce, standing and opening the door, "that pile really is threatening to make a break for it…" I gesture at a particularly tall pile of files in the middle of her desk.

She laughs, rolling her eyes as she contemplates the mounds of paper awaiting her attention.

"Am I interrupting?" a voice enquires from behind me, drawing both my attention and Liv's.

"Not at all Counselor. I was just about to beg for five more minutes break from the dreaded paperwork….." she laughs.

He steps back to allow me pass him and then walks into her office.

I stop just outside the door, making a snap decision. I turn quickly and step back into the open doorway.

"I just wanted to say thank you….to both of you."

They both look at me in surprise whether at my words or my presence I'm not sure.

"You've both been very kind to me…..more than you had to be…I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate it."

And with that I hurriedly turn and flee, almost running the few steps back to my desk, my momentary confidence burst exhausted.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I'm simultaneously surprised and delighted at Rollins' words. I look questioningly at Liv who is wearing a facial expression, I imagine to be, similar to my own, surprise and joy.

"She seems to be doing better?" I venture.

"She really is….she came in to ask me to help her find a therapist,…..Rafael, she's amazing."

I plop down in the chair to my left allowing for her sit in the vacant seat to my right. She makes her way back around the desk to do just that.

"Wow" I agree, fully aware of her reticence up to now. "That's a huge step."

She nods proudly.

"Do you know what prompted this?" I probe gently, worried immediately that there has been some further, hugely traumatic event that precipitated her change of mind, then remembering my own semi-meltdown.

"I asked the same question" she declares, "she says she spoke to Nick. He made a comment that has made her re-think….."

"Do you believe her?"

"Yeah,… I do. She was more open than I think I've ever seen her….." She smiles at this.

"Hmmm, I never really thought about Amaro and Fin. How much do they know?" I confess, reddening slightly that her partner escaped my mind completely in the whole situation. And I think that her and Amaro are friends.

God Rafael, you idiot!

"She said that Fin went after her when he heard Dodds interview Patten. That would have been after Det. Taymore's initial allegations, he demanded to know what happened….."

"That sounds like Fin, I'm a bit surprised that she told him?" I admit.

"She says she didn't really tell him. He had his suspicions and she said enough….."

I can't help remembering the sick feeling that descended on me almost from the moment she started to tell me what had happened, how I knew long before she said the words. I nod in complete understanding.

"She said talking to Nick was hard. I can only imagine…..there was something between them for a short while, they think nobody noticed, but of course Fin and I did."

This comes as a complete surprise to me.

"Rollins and Amaro? Really?"

She laughs, nodding, giving me her best 'you don't know the half of it look'.

"That can't have been easy then…"

She shakes her head. I can't help wondering how she told Cassidy about what happened with Lewis. Not for the first time, I'm amazed by her strength. Whether she told him everything or nothing or something in between, the strength she would have needed is incredible. My mind wanders back over the facts cataloged carefully in my head in advance of Lewis' trial, that I have never been successfully able to erase. I know most victims try to keep at least one tiny, usually inconsequential, fact to themselves, and I am aware that Liv kept a lot more to herself. I can't help, in this moment, wondering just how inconsequential the facts she kept quiet about, truly are? I then think about Rollins trying to tell Amaro, her ex, her friend, her colleague, about her rape. How much of the agony was she willing to share and how much of it does she still have locked up tight inside her, not allowing anyone to see? The strength that these women possess is awe-inspiring.

"How much do you think she told him?" I ask carefully.

I can't help wondering if he got a similar version to me; the stark bones of a story, the truths, the narrative of an action, devoid of the real feelings that catapult it into its real, traumatic, station, but enough to imply at its devastation.

"She said she told him a lot more than she intended…"

I bite back the urge to say I know how that goes. I don't for a second regret my conversations with Liv and I don't need her to believe otherwise. In fact if this is what truly opening up to another person feels like, I must do it more often I feel deeply relieved.

The image of Patten on top of Rollins starts to fill my head again, the unspoken query of what I didn't hear, calling it forth to imagine in some of the blanks. I shake it off, as I feel real sympathy for the man I have never been particularly close to. I know how I felt when Liv told me about Harris, the name I will never now forget. The ache of feeling helpless, the anguish at her pain, hasn't fully left me yet. And my only relationship with her is friendship. I can't imagine the depth of feeling he must be battling. I silently resolve to make more of an effort with him.

She breaks our contemplative silence softly, "He's a good guy though and whatever he said has definitely made a difference to her. He was good to me….after Lewis. I trust him to look out for her. And Fin, he's her partner, he's got her back. I think he may have been the one to push her to talk to us initially."

I listen to her tell me how each of them look out for each other, and am again prompted to remember how lucky I am to be counted as a part of this team.

"Rafael. How are you?" she enquires softly.

"I'm ok. You were right, it's not the same when it's someone we know. It is harder."

"You know you didn't force her to disclose Rafael. Somewhere deep down, she knew what she was doing. She was willing to do it to help Det. Taymore. It just surprised her when the words came out after so long…"

I nod, not trusting myself to speak, allowing her instead to continue…

"She told me that you were better to her than she had any right to expect."

This comes as a complete surprise. I'm elated to think she wasn't disappointed by my reaction, my treatment of her but then the implied self-loathing registers and I'm reminded she still has a long road ahead of her.

Liv's voice stirs me from my thoughts, "You know you could never hurt anyone like that Rafael?"

I smile gratefully at her gentle reminder.

She knows how deeply that possibility terrifies me. Since we talked I'm not as haunted by the fear, but it is not gone, just back in proportion.

I still can't look at my naked form without feeling a tinge of disgust at how a part of my body, that can be the source of so much pleasure, could also devastate lives.

As for the prospect of sex, the paralyzing fear is gone but the worry remains. I know I will be very cautious from now on.

"Suddenly it's not such a shock that most of us are single." She reflects.

I almost can't believe my ears. This was the one thing I didn't disclose to her. My face obviously reflects my shock.

She laughs, "Rafael, you can't be shocked…"

A slight redness floods my face as she teases me further.

"….Or embarrassed…."

She turns serious, "We all feel it Rafael. It makes sex such a minefield. When you are so cautious and conscious of what can go wrong it makes it very difficult to know how to approach it. You find yourself afraid to make a move."

"It has been worrying me."

"Just trust yourself. You will do the right thing. This really strong feeling doesn't last, you will probably always have the 'SVU mindset', that extra cautiousness. How can we not, with what we see? This fear though, it fades,…. some cases will always bring it back but it's never as bad again. "

Again my relief is immense. My shame dissipates immediately at the knowledge that this is not unique to me.

I smile. All embarrassment, shame and self-consciousness wiped aside by our mutual comfort.

"So Counselor, I'm assuming you came here to add to my pile of paperwork?"