A/N Thank you so much for the reviews. They mean so much.
MrsChilton; I'm not offended, I really appreciate it. I do think that men working somewhere like SVU would struggle sometimes, but this I base more around a real reaction, its more about a guy's reaction to someone close to them being sexually assaulted, it was described to me as not knowing where the boundaries are anymore, all the lines having moved, and having to figure them all out again….and worrying about getting it wrong. It really stuck with me...
Guest; thank you, I am trying to keep it true to what could have happened in between the scenes we see on the show.
thelisa17 and FicFriend; sorry if I gave you whiplash on that move, it just felt plausible in her state that emotions would bubble up, I don't feel like he would make the first move, and I think it would have to relatively innocent because of everything going on, I also am trying to keep it slotted into the show storyline so it can't have been enough to change their relationship, or interactions just, maybe enough to explain the ease with which he tells her this will be hard on her during the Yates trial, and their continuing ease in each other's company. I think he will always over-think, it's who he is and he knows, possibly more than anyone else how much she has been through.
I hope Liv adequately explains what she was thinking when she kissed Rafael. Please continue to let me know what you think?
My disappointment in myself, and my betraying body are my last conscious thoughts as I roll my covers over my fully clothed body and fall into a disjointed sleep.
What is that sound? I think sleepily, turning over to flick the switch on the bedside lamp.
My sleep drunk mind struggles to process what my ears are hearing.
I rub my eyes, trying to kick-start my brain, which is currently, stubbornly, refusing to engage. All at once, the images of last night start to bombard me, the near catatonic Liv, bringing her here, running her a bath, making her tea….
Liv, Oh god…..
I hastily fling the bed covers aside, barely registering that the majority of yesterday's wardrobe made it to bed with me, grateful that I don't have to stop to throw on any further clothes.
She is lying in the bed of my spare room, a look of abject terror frozen on her face, the twisted covers still lie across her legs but her arms are free and seemingly fighting off some unseen enemy. Another sharp scream pierces the silence. Her horror filled voice pleading for an end to whatever attack her sleeping mind is perceiving, "No, STOP, please….".
I try not to let the depth of her despair penetrate my consciousness, as I struggle to speak,…."Liv,…..Liv…..it's okay, you're safe, you were dreaming….". I gently stroke her hand to try and bring her out of her sleeping remembrance of hell, ducking down to crouch beside her bed so she doesn't wake to an unknown form leaning over her recumbent body.
She startles awake suddenly, her eyes bolt open, wild with unresolved terror. The movement of her arms stops immediately but her entire being is primed to fight or flee at the first sign of any danger.
"Liv,…..Liv…..it's okay, you're safe, you were dreaming." I repeat my previous words softly, continuing to stroke her hand. Her subconscious mind seems to evaluate my presence as no threat, without any recognition of who I am. She looks around her surroundings, continuing her automatic threat assessment, a look of confusion clouding her features when she doesn't immediately recognize the room and bed she was sleeping in.
"It's ok Liv, it's Rafael, you're safe, you're in my apartment…..".
She looks at me now, her confusion deepening momentarily as her sleep fuzzy mind struggles to comprehend.
"Uuuurgghhhh" she swallows deeply, sitting up, her tongue darting out, wetting her fear-dried lips, her hands rubbing her sleep filled eyes. I pass her the glass of water from the bedside table, from which she takes a long sip.
She looks much more composed now, confident of her safety in these surroundings, but the fear still burns bright in her eyes.
"Rafael, I'm so sorry I woke you…." Her words are husky, her voice still dripping in sleep and fear.
"Liv, what happened? Are you ok?... Was it a nightmare?". This feels like an epically stupid question and I resist the urge to roll my eyes at my own idiotic words. Then I realize that whilst the words seem ridiculous, it is the only way to start the conversation.
My question only serves to remind her of her nightmare, and she instantly pulls her legs up in front of her, as though, if she can somehow, make herself small enough, the nightmare will just fly past her, sparing her its misery.
She drops her head onto her knees, her loose hair completely obscuring any part of her face not covered by her pulled up knees.
Her soft voice whispers from her huddled form, "It was me…I was the one in that grave….not Nadia…".
My heart breaks.
I let her work through her thoughts uninterrupted, unsure where they are going….
She inhales deeply, her head raising from her huddled form,…."I'm sorry Rafael, I guess after yesterday,…..after what happened to Nadia,…..I had a particularly bad nightmare about Lewis, I've had it before, my therapist has explained it,…."
She looks to me to see if I'm following her, my confused face clearly shows I do not really understand enough yet.
"It's hard to say out loud,…...Lewis was raping me in the dream, I wasn't fighting him…..it doesn't mean I wanted him to, it's just my mind's way of coping with how close he came,….." she hurriedly explains, her eyes downcast, parroting the words her therapist has undoubtedly had to repeat many times, as if I may mistakenly think that she did, in fact, want to be raped by that psychopath…..
I try to control my anger and more importantly my reactions, I don't want to scare her back into silence.
"He was raping me, and then I was lying in Nadia's grave, in her place. You were all standing there looking at my dead body…..I woke up screaming, guilty at being glad it was her and not me….I couldn't get rid of the image of myself lying there dead, wrapped in a tarpaulin….I was trying to get the tarpaulin off me….."
I swallow my tears, moving from my crouched position on the floor to sit beside her.
"Liv…..it's okay, you're safe, you were dreaming, it was only a dream….you know, on first glance, how horribly close to your kidnapping this was…...it's natural you would be able to see yourself a participant in her story. You need to speak to your therapist properly about this?"
The voice that answers me is tiny, nothing like the usual confident sergeant I have come to know, and I understand that night changes us all. The facade we strive so hard to build during the day, is decimated when night falls and sleep claims us. That semi-waking state, not allowing for any pretense or disguise, our true characters laid out for inspection, in their entirety.
"I know" she admits, "it just feels like enough time has passed, ….I have Noah now, I can't be waking up screaming anymore ….."
"Liv, this only happened today, you have to give yourself some time. Don't be so hard on yourself," but her admission has told me how much she secretly still struggles, how she feels her struggles somehow diminish her.
"It feels like it's starting all over again though, even standing at her grave today, Rafael, I could feel eyes on me, like they were waiting on me to finally fall apart."
"Is that really what you think, Liv? I wasn't there and haven't spoken to your team but I can tell you, it's not even remotely what they were thinking. They were thinking what I was thinking when I heard…we were so lucky to get you back…..you managed to save yourself, we weren't close enough, no matter how hard everyone worked, to finding you, we could have lost you…..we came too close to losing you,…..we got you back….They're looking at you to make sure you really are there. They are worried that this will be hard on you, but they will all be there for you…."
In this admission, the reality deepens, we came far too close to finding Liv in a shallow grave…twice. This thought is too much for me and my long held back tears flood out, surprising both of us.
"Rafael, she was so young…..so lovely,….. he got her when she went out to get a cake for Lyndsay's surprise 30th birthday party, she was organizing…..she wanted to be a cop, she never even got to try…...but still she was kidnapped, raped and killed by a psychopath who she met through this job…" she says, dissolving into her own tears as the details she couldn't share only a few hours ago, start to slowly spill out.
We slowly move closer to each other.
I raise my arm and drape it over her shivering shoulders. I gently pull the covers over her shivering form, careful to cover only her, as she leans further into my one armed embrace.
There is no embarrassment as our tears mark our faces.
In between heart-rending sobs she manages to gulp out, "I just hope she knew…. we were looking for her… that her team missed her immediately, …that we won't rest until he pays for what he did…."
I can only nod, sincere in this shared hope.
"When he drove her across the country,….. she was in the backseat, at least some of the time,… she left her scarf for us to find, in the same way I left my necklace….her wrists were marked…" she unconsciously wraps her fingers around her own left wrist soothing her remembered broken bone.
I steel myself as the details continue. I have already ensured I will be the one prosecuting this case. I couldn't allow another prosecutor to handle this case, knowing the toll it will take on the squad, my squad…. I have had no evidence or files yet, but the similarities are already agonizing.
Her jagged breathing is almost back to normal, and the body shaking sobs have stopped when she tells me; "He told us he had raped and killed her….."
My head snaps up at this, the inner prosecutor immediately hooked.
"He couched it in hypotheticals but he told us….." she continues.
"Still admissible, and may be enough to push a full confession on the stand….." I declare encouragingly.
"Amanda was interviewing him with one of the Chicago cops. Rafael, she was amazing. She played him perfectly. Without his hypothetical admission, we wouldn't have gotten him, she got us that…...it has to have been hell for her. He started trying to say Nadia couldn't be 'everyone's good girl' anymore, I swear it sounded just like Patten,... but she didn't bat an eyelid, just asked all the right questions. I think she was sick afterwards though, but she seemed to talk to Fin….she is just doing so well."
"She's strong Liv. She has the whole squad behind her and she has a great role model in you."
"I was thinking Rafael, this is probably the kind of case the brass will try and get us all department mandated shrink appointments, do you think I would be admitting we're in trouble if I pre-empted them and tried to get in touch with Huang? He's that FBI shrink, we used to always talk to, he's an old part of the team, he understands….He's still department approved and if he's in town I'm sure he'd do it….."
"Liv, I think that would be a great idea, and the brass could only approve of your leadership. Plus, getting someone that Fin may actually talk to is nothing short of miraculous…" she laughs at that, trying to stifle a yawn.
I can see she is exhausted but don't want to stop her from talking while she is opening up.
"Liv, you will go see your therapist, won't you? I can't even begin to understand how hard this is for you….."
My voice is hesitant, this feels like it may be an invasion of her privacy but I can't bear to think of her suffering like this at night, when she tries to sleep. My mind quickly corrects me though, she has already suffered like this, her telling comment earlier of 'I can't be waking up screaming anymore' flashes to mind.
There is no sign of irritation or me going to far when she quietly admits, "No, I think I should go see him….".
I can see she is struggling with a thought, almost like she wants to ask a question but keeps thinking better of it.
"You can say anything Liv…. we can talk about anything…" I gently urge her to share…
"When we were looking for her, when we kept hitting dead end after dead end, the feeling of….failure, of despair…..I didn't know that's how it felt when you were looking for me….I knew that everyone was looking for me, that I was a cop, the department would throw everything at it, but I didn't know it felt like…that…."
Only Liv could be thinking about how her kidnapping upset everyone else. I have no idea what to say. I try to think back to the all encompassing relief we felt when she was found, alive, but can't even reassure her with this as I painfully remember how this immense relief was tinged heavily with worry and fear, the knowledge that she had to have suffered so much clamping strict limits onto our joy…
As we sit in comfortable, but emotion laden silence, I think back to last night, to her almost catatonic state when we arrived here and I can't stop myself from asking the question that chilled me when she asked for a bath…..
"Liv, why did you want a bath last night?"
She looks at me slightly surprised for a moment until she recognizes the unspoken worry.
"I was cold, and wanted the smell of the beach, of everything, off me…..and the memories of Lewis….I just needed to wash them all away….I know how that sounds Rafael, I just couldn't stop it…" she shrugs slowly.
"It's ok Liv" I try to reassure her…
She puts her hand gently on my arm to stop me, "Thank you for caring Rafael. I know it makes no sense and I know what happened was not my fault, with Lewis or not being able to save Nadia….."
She saw through my question to the heart of what was worrying me and put me at ease with her honesty.
She tries to stifle a yawn.
"You're exhausted, Liv. Why don't you just lay back and try to sleep?"
She starts to lie back, another huge yawn escaping her mouth as her head hits the pillow.
I start to reach for the lamp but remember her earlier preference that it be left on, instead I reach for her phone, checking the time, still plenty of time left for a good night's sleep…
She straightens the covers that had been all thrown to the side in the midst of her earlier rush to escape unseen attackers.
I start to move from beside her on her bed.
"Rafael, you would never hurt me, I trust you, I feel safe here," she says looking me straight in the eye. I know now, that she is talking about our earlier kiss. I smile gently at her, retaking my seat next to her, silently agreeing to the conversation.
"I'm sorry, Rafael. My emotions were all over the place…..I shouldn't have done it…especially in those circumstances…. "
"Liv, don't apologize. It wasn't…. unwanted,….it was just… I wasn't expecting it…. I was worried you felt I took advantage of you….."
"Never….." she shakes her head emphatically, "It was probably gonna happen at some point, we have been getting close…You didn't do anything wrong,…I kissed you…I know I like you Rafael. I trust you…that sounds like a small thing, but for me,…..it's huge….I didn't think, I just felt…..I was in the moment and you were there for me….. I wanted to kiss you but I'm not ready…I can feel this case, Nadia, has brought up so much…I don't know…I know I sound like a tongue tied teenager, I'm just not ready….for anything…."
Relief courses through me and I allow myself to relax. She doesn't regret it and she doesn't feel I tried to take advantage of her. I haven't ruined our friendship.
I smile broadly despite myself. I take her hand and squeeze it gently, beyond happy with her words.
"Just keep healing, Liv…..and know that I'm here for you."
My relief at not having ruined our unlabeled connection is mirrored in her features. We are friends but a future escalation is not ruled out. We can continue on as we are. This is beyond my wildest expectations. I know I'm grinning like a schoolboy.
"Sleep well…." I murmur, as I pad softly back into my own room
I quickly change into a pair of pajama pants and t-shirt, discarding my previous day's choice of shirt and pants onto the chair.
The tumult of my previous journey into sleep is completely forgotten, as I now consider our kiss in a new light. Olivia Benson kissed me. I sound like a teenager after his first kiss but the reality surprises me still. Strangely I'm not disappointed by her admission she is 'not ready for anything', I'm amazed by her self-awareness and deeply touched by the trust she has put in me. I'm beyond elated, that maybe I may have a chance of more with her.
I fall into a peaceful sleep, happy in this knowledge.
I awake to sun streaming through the window. I check my phone to see we have slept the whole way through the night, uninterrupted by horror.
I smile broadly as I poke my head in the door of her room, to find her still in the same place, her face relaxed, at ease, as she sleeps, her covers showing none of the disarray of her previous night's horror.
Today is a new day, the ghosts of last night diminished in the brightness of daylight. Another monster has been caught and it's my job to ensure he is locked up.