*Beth*
The nightmares were always the same. I was drowning. The dulled sound of my heart pounding in my chest, forcing my blood to race around my veins would fill my ears. Murky water would wrap itself around me like a snake, squeezing every last breath out of my body, filling my lungs until all of my desperate screams were silenced. I would always see him in those moments, just above the surface but always out of reach. He would be unaware of my plight, oblivious to my cries, and to my despair as I fought with all my might against the forces that were trying to drag me down. My screams were of his name, always his name, would be silenced, transformed into distorted cries filling my head, as my panic would descend all around me. Moments would become an eternity, as the demons lurking in the depths would grab at my ankles trying to pull me further into nothingness. That is when he would leave me. Daryl would walk away, slipping from my sight and allowing the darkness to claim me and pull me to a place where I no longer existed.
This morning though, I hadn't drowned. There had been no screams, no panic. There had been no fear. All that had existed was a light, a bright light and deep warmth dancing over my skin as I slowly began to open my eyes to a new day. I stretched my body, my muscles letting go of the dull ache left behind from a night spent on a worn out mattress, allowing the heat from the mid day sun to graze over me, as it tried its hardest to break through the smog of my slumber. My mouth was dry and instinctively I let my fingertips brush over my lips as suddenly flashes of last night raced through my mind.
Daryl Dixon had come into my room; he had saved me from my nightmare and snatched me from the grasp of the darkness that consumed my dreams every night. There had been truths told, confessions made, tentative touches exchanged and there had been a kiss. A long lingering kiss that had seared my lips to his with a desperate want and need. Each whisper of his name had brought about a question, an ache felt so deeply in my heart that only the answer of his touch could it soothe away. My naïve hope was met by his calm certainty and I had held onto it, held on to him as though my whole existence depended on it.
I sat up quickly, scanning the room frantically for some small sign that last night hadn't just been a figment of my imagination; a dream conjured up by my desperate and broken heart. I saw nothing, no trace of Daryl Dixon at all.
Jumping from my bed I was still unsteady on my feet, not yet fully healed from the injuries I sustained at Grady. A fact exasperated by the panic now rushing through my body as my mind tried to make sense of my memories. At first they had seemed so clear, the feel of his skin, the warmth of his body, the sound of his voice, it all still lingered in my mind. But as the moments passed they started to fade away, become blurred and distant as the veil of doubt began to cast its shadow.
Suddenly the pounding in my chest stopped and I stood still, glued to the ground as my eyes caught sight of footprints by my bedroom door. They were his, imprints left behind by his muddy boots. He had been here. Daryl Dixon had kissed me, had carried me to my bed and held me until I fell asleep, and then just as the new day had arrived, he had gone, slipped away from me without a word.
I ran to the window to check the time of day, even through the wooden boards I could see the sun was high in the sky and the heat against the glass pane told me it was already past midday. I had slept away the whole of the morning and not had a single nightmare. The realization that my sleep had not been haunted allowed a large smile to dance across my lips. It had been the first peaceful sleep I had managed to have since I had returned. At last I felt I had been freed from my torment and rescued from my own private hell. Quickly I put on some clean clothes, tied my hair up into a loose ponytail and brushed my teeth with an old toothbrush Maggie had given me, suddenly feeling as though today was the start of a new beginning.
I headed towards the kitchen, but not before checking Daryl's room and finding it empty. My nervousness threatened to take over as I rubbed my hands together, deciding to pull the sleeves of my cardigan down to my fingers to mask the dampness covering my palms, my anxiety at the thought of seeing him making my temperature soar. The house was silent but I could hear the subtle hum of voices coming from outside in the gardens.
The Georgia sun was at its most torturous, scorching hot and draining the air of any moisture. Yet still, despite the humidity everyone was out on the land carrying out essential maintenance, all apart from Michonne who was on the porch. Her eyes were scanning over the landscape, alert to every threat and possible danger. Butterflies danced in my stomach, as I looked across the gardens to the fences, hopeful of catching a glimpse of Daryl. A part of me hoping to silence the niggling doubt that seemed to have been present since I had woken up alone.
"Maggie know you're are outta bed?." Michonne's voice was inquisitive but held lightness to it, as her eyes slid to mine momentarily.
"Um no." I shook my head as I spotted Maggie with Glenn over by one of the fences; they were fastening barbed wire to the posts. "I have just woken up, I haven't managed to see her yet."
My eyes were taking in all of the people outside. Carl, Rick, Sasha, Tara, but still no sign of Daryl, and my pounding heart would not allow me to procrastinate any further.
"Erm, Michonne have you seen Daryl."
I began to fidget nervously with the hem of my sleeve, bringing it to my mouth and chewing on the piece of loose thread that hung there.
Michonne's eyes didn't flinch, but her tone changed, something hidden within her words that I could not quite place.
"He left this morning, said he was going on a run." She hesitated before she turned her gaze to look at me. "He took Carol with him. Said he would be gone for a couple of days."
My heart sank and I could feel my stomach begin to churn as my head began to spin. I struggled to get my words out.
"How…how long ago did he leave?"
"First light, I saw them go as I finished up on watch." Her voice was laced with concern as she stepped towards me. "Are you ok, you look pale all of a sudden."
Michonne had hardly finished her sentence when I felt my knees buckle, my body suddenly becoming lighter than air as I dropped to the ground. Daryl had gone. He had just left and not said a word. My mind spun, my body went limp and as I felt Michonne's arms lift me up from the ground, all I could hear spill from my own lips were the words, "He left me, Daryl left me." Repeated over and over until finally my tears broke free.
It was over an hour before everyone had stopped fussing around me, all of them complaining that I had gotten out of bed too early, or that I wasn't strong enough yet to be moving around. Maggie had bordered on hysterical and Rick had been stern and forthright as always, but all of their words had fallen on deaf ears. They were just faces with muted voices as my mind scrambled back over my conversation with Daryl yesterday, words that in the darkness had carried so much meaning, now in the light of day meant nothing at all.
As I stood up from the chair Michonne had sat me in, I didn't look back to acknowledge anyone. My desperate need to be away from the chatter and noise becoming more and more urgent.
"I am going for a walk."
The only response I heard was that of Michonne, her tone holding no room for negotiation as she spoke to the others and her words allowing no compromise.
"Let her go."
The barn stood directly opposite the workshop in the acre of land surrounding the house. It was a small holding, probably home to what would have been a tiny number of livestock. Although it was little in comparison to my daddy's farm, as I approached the old weathered building it reminded me so much of my home, the place I had grown up and the place I had loved more than any other in the world. It also reminded me of just how much I had lost and how much I missed my momma and daddy. I wanted them so bad right now, knew that they would be able to make everything ok, could make me strong again. I missed the softness of my daddy's voice and how one hug from him made everything bad in the world just melt away. I missed how my momma would make me cookies and lemonade and tell me how everything always fell right after some good home cooking, and of course she was right. I didn't cry for them anymore, I knew that would not bring them back to me, but as I pulled open the old barn door and stepped inside, I had never missed them as much as I did in that moment.
Dust danced lazily in and out of the sunbeams that shone down through the cracks in the old roof. The barn had kept horses in before the world had fallen to the dead, and the tack, horse coats and old farrier tools still hanging from the racks gave life to labour long since gone. A second floor still housed old hay bales and a few sacks of grains that we were using whilst we were here. Other than that the barn was empty, apart from Daryl's motorbike that stood alone in the middle, basking in the daylight.
The closer I stepped towards his motorbike the more my heartbeat started to race, a gamut of emotions taking over me. Anger made room for hurt, sadness was replaced by rejection, and butterflies of uncertainty quickly replaced the flurry of anxiety. I ran my finger over the saddle of the bike picturing him, picturing the last time I had seen him and trying to push aside thoughts of the man who had abandoned me this morning, and bring back to my mind the Daryl I had fallen in love with.
A shudder ran down my spine as I recalled his touch, the feel of his rough fingertips as they had swept like a soft whisper across my nightshirt and over my breast. I remembered how a white heat had rushed through every part of me as I had felt his tongue gently press for entrance against my lips, and how I had felt lightheaded at the taste of him as I gave into to his wish. My pulse had raced as he pulled my body against the hardness of his bare chest, and as my breath had quickened, my need to be closer to him had found me whispering his name into the darkness. There was heat and there was a hunger in his touch as he laced his fingers into the back of my hair and tugged my head back, his tongue trailing down my neck, setting my skin aflame and burning away my innocence with every graze of his lips.
"I think someone has a death wish."
I jumped and quickly covered my mouth to stifle the small scream threatening to leave my body. When I spun round and saw Michonne stood in the doorway of the barn.
"Jesus Christ Michonne, you nearly gave me a heart attack, you shouldn't go sneaking up on people like that." I bent over, leaning on Daryl's bike trying to catch my breath whilst I waited for my heartbeat to slow down.
Her tone of voice was light and carried in it a hint of humour as the sunlight danced in her eyes.
"Well rather a heart attack than an arrow through that head of yours." She was moving inside the barn now and pointed at the motorcycle. "Might have happened if that surly old redneck had seen you touching his bike."
I nodded as I tried to get my breathing back under control, standing to look at her.
"Yes well I guess I don't have to be worryin' to much about that, given that he disappeared off on a run with Carol till goodness knows when." My voice dropped as I tried to hide the emotion that was just about ready to bubble to the surface.
"That's kind of upset you huh?" Her voice held no judgment and her tone indicated it was more of a statement than a question.
I shrugged in response and continued to look at the ground, partly because I felt so foolish, but mostly because I was scared that if I told the truth, if I gave voice to my insecurities, I would not be able to stop.
Michonne moved slowly towards Daryl's bike and stood opposite me, reaching over her shoulder to the handle of her katana.
"You want me to slash his tyres?"
A stuttered laugh left my lips. "No Michonne, I do not." I looked at her, shocked at her question only to see her struggling to stifle a wry smile.
"Well you just say the word and I'll shred those tyres into tiny little hairbands for you."
A mischievous smile crossed Michonne's face and I couldn't help but give her a smile back, grateful to her for her attempts to make me feel better. She turned and walked over to one of the hay bales that lay in the middle of the floor, pulling a rucksack off her back that I had not seen her carrying.
"Have you eaten today?"
I shook my head and watched as she dug around in the bag and brought out an apple and a bottle of water, throwing them both over to me for me to catch. I placed the apple in my cardigan pocket not feeling like eating, but kept the bottle in my hands.
"Thank you Michonne." I began to fidget with the top of the bottle unsure what to say next.
"You need to eat and drink. I don't want you fainting on me again while you tell me what has you so upset with Daryl."
I undid the lid of the bottle and took a swig of water, popping the top back on when I was finished. "I don't want to talk about it." I hesitated for a moment. "I can't."
Michonne took a bite of her own apple that she had also pulled out of her bag and thought for a moment.
"Sure you can and besides Daryl's tyres depend on it."
I knew that she was reaching out to try and help me, to try and maybe understand my situation, but the truth was I didn't truly understand it myself. Daryl's actions had left me totally confused and unsure, and I knew I didn't have the words to articulate any of it, even if I had wanted to.
"I don't think Daryl needs another reason to be mad at me Michonne."
She stopped eating her apple, her voice carrying with it some concern now.
"Daryl's mad at you? Why?"
I shook my head, the words getting stuck in my throat as I saw Michonne stand up and walk back over to me.
"Beth, why would Daryl be mad at you?"
Embarrassment and shame stopped me from looking her in the eye. "I kissed him."
My fingers trembled as I fumbled with the lid of the water bottle. "He heard me having a nightmare last night and he came in and sat with me to make sure I was alright. I don't know why I did it, I wasn't thinking clearly I had just missed him so bad, and so I just kissed him."
My words were coming out in a rush; it was as if they were in a sprint with my tears to get to some imaginary finish line. "He seemed fine with it, I mean he kissed me back, I swear he seemed ok with it. But then this morning I woke up and he was gone. Just gone. Without a word he just up and left with Carol."
Michonne tilted her head to try and make eye contact with me as I bowed mine, determined not to cry again.
Her voice was soft and questioning.
"You think he is mad at you because you kissed him?"
All I could do was nod my head. "Why else would he just leave?" I sniffled and wiped my nose with the cuff of my cardigan.
"Hmmm." I watched as she walked away, her attempt to pretend she had not seen the errant tear splash over my eyelashes onto the floor.
"Did know they say there are three responses to fear?" She nodded at me to further emphasis her point.
"The first is to freeze. So when some people get scared, they just do nothing, they don't respond at all. Just stand there helpless."
Michonne moved over to the two bales of hay and after eyeing them thoroughly began to drag one on top of the other. I rushed over to help her as she continued to talk.
"And we both know that Daryl is not the kind of man to freeze when backed into a corner, that boy is like a caged animal when under threat." I nodded in acknowledgment as I helped her hoist the second bale on top of the first.
I brushed my hands down and I stood back whilst Michonne unsheathed her katana and stood in front of the two hay bales, now stacked on top of each other.
"The second response is fight." With her words she spun around on her feet, the sunlight catching the silver edge of her blade as she suddenly jabbed it with full force into the hay bale.
"I don't think Daryl wants to fight with you Beth."
She deftly removed the sword from the bale and with a flick of the wrist circled it in her hands before pointing its razors edge at me.
"Which is pretty big for Daryl, because lets face it, he wants to fight just about everyone. So I see that as a good thing."
She let a smile cross her lips before she spun around again and this time sliced away a section of the now scattering hay bale.
I scuffed some of the hay that had fallen by my feet, away with my boot.
"So what's the third option?"
"The third option." She paused, looking directly at the hay bale before she spun 180 degrees, turning her back to her straw assailant and flicking her sword under her arm before she rammed it straight into the bale with a deep exhaled breath.
"Flight, that's the third option." She paused for a moment "That is the option that has him going on a run for two days."
I looked at her as she pulled the sword from the bale one last time.
"But Daryl isn't scared of me, he doesn't fear me."
Michonne stopped now and reached behind her sheathing her katana back into its holster.
"No you're right, Daryl doesn't fear you. Not at all, but he does fear what he feels for you. And he does fear losing you again, anyone can see that." She looked me in the eye, her words seeming more sincere than ever. "And who is to say he just isn't afraid of hurting you?"
"But he won't." I started to chew on the hem of my cardigan sleeve again. "I mean he might, of course he might. But that's just part of caring for somebody right?" I looked at Michonne suddenly feeling a little hopeful.
"That's part and parcel of love, that's what my momma used to say all the time. It can't all be rainbows, there has to be a little rain right?"
I could see Michonne studying me, a soft smile touching her lips.
"That there is girl logic, definitely not male logic and definitely not Daryl Dixon logic."
She nodded and then reached over to me taking the apple from my cardigan pocket and holding it up to me. "Eat or there will be nothing left for him to come back to."
Michonne then turned and headed back towards the barn door pushing it open to let the last of the sunlight trickle in. As the evening grew nearer we were always more at risk from walkers and everyone naturally became more alert and Michonnes eyes began scanning the now shadowy landscape. I stood next to her now, eating my apple and looking out over the gardens to everyone who was now starting to pack up their tools and move back towards the house."
"Michonne how do I get him to stop running from me all the time, if he keeps doing that then he is just going to keep hurting me."
I followed Michonnes gaze and saw Maggie looking over, even from the distance I could see the worry on her face, but as soon as Michonne gave her a curt nod, Maggie seemed somewhat appeased and continued up to the farmhouse, only looking back once to see me give her a small smile and a wave"
"You ever tried to tame a wild dog Beth?"
I shook my head as I took the last bite of my apple and looked for somewhere to throw the remains of the core. "No. My dad always raised our dogs from pups. They weren't ever wild."
"I did once" Her voice was low, her eyes still not deviating from the forest beyond the house boundary. "When I was a kid, there was this dog that used to come out from the woodlands at the back of our house. And although it was scruffy and seemed a bit smelly, I kinda grew fond of it."
A hint of a smile traced across her lips at the memory "So I got my parents to go and get it a bowl and a new bed and a lead and all the things you get for a pet. Course the dog would come to the house, but would only ever eat the food from the yard and then would scoot back off again. And as a kid I never understood why."
I looked at her now, a slight chuckle in my voice "Michonne, are you calling Daryl Dixon a wild dog."
She laughed, her smile so electric it lit up the whole of her face. "I have called that man a lot worse at times but no, I am not calling him a wild dog. What I am saying to you is you can't change the nature of some things. Daryl isn't like you Beth, he wasn't brought up with a lot of love around him. So he just doesn't get it like you do."
I nodded thinking back to Daryl's stories of his childhood and knowing that she was right.
"But that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve love, or that he cant ever experience it, everyone deserves love Michonne."
She looked at me and her eyes seemed to show a hint of sadness I had not seen before. "You are right, but for some people it's just easier than it is for others. Some of us have just been without it for so long that we forget just what it feels like." She stopped herself, as if she had caught herself saying something she shouldn't have and her tone changed, hardened a little. "I could have loved that dog with all of my might but it would never be a pet, not in the conventional sense anyway. It would always have that wildness in it." Her smile was back now as she continued to speak. "Which is probably why I liked it so much in the first place."
She turned and started closing the barn doors, then stopped and looked me in the eye. "In the same way if Daryl is the person you want, its not going to be like it is for Maggie and Glenn or maybe even for your parents. You have to be prepared for that, you are going to have to be strong, because its is going to be a battle."
I took on the gravity of her words and let my final insecurity find its voice. "What if its Carol he is falling in love with?"
Michonne put her arm around my shoulders and reassuringly rubbed my arm as we slowly walked back to the house. "If it is, then there is nothing you can do, you have to just give them time to resolve it, work it out for themselves. If its meant to be you will have to just accept it. Be strong and be happy for them both. Sometimes it's the sacrifice we have to make for people we love."
As we reached the porch now abandoned by everyone who was inside washing up and getting ready for dinner, I felt my voice break. "I don't think I could lose him again"
Michonne turned to me, her big brown eyes holding nothing in them but sincerity "You will never lose Daryl Dixon, as long as there is breath in that mans body he will always protect you and he will always be the best man he can be for you. Daryl will always fight for what he believes in. All you have to do Miss Greene, is let him know what he is fighting for"
An hour later when I sat down for dinner with Maggie, Glenn, Rick, Michonne and Carl, I felt lighter, I enjoyed the laughter and was finally able to relish being reunited with my family, my new family. I felt less wounded by the events of the last few days and a little less unsure.
I still jumped every time someone came through the door, half hoping it was him and half scared all at the same time but I felt more able to face the uncertainty.
To end the night Rick had been kind enough to let me put Judith to bed. It had been a routine that I had long since missed but had never forgotten. It reminded me of better, happier times. A time when I had my dad to talk to, and I felt less tainted by the world. Just staring at Judith's perfect face, looking into her eyes still so full of innocence, allowed me to feel some normality again, something that had been lacking since the prison had fell. It brought to me a sense of calm that allowed me to see that unconditional love was never easy. It involved sacrifice, it involved hurt, the possibility of loss and sometimes it even required a fight. In that moment as I watched that baby sleep, protected from the horrors of the world, I realized that some things are always going to be worth fighting for. And that if there was even the smallest chance that Daryl and I could be together, I would fight for it. I would be strong and I would be patient.
I put my nightshirt on and looked at my bed, the memories flooding back of Daryl being there, lying next to me sent trickles of electricity through my body, making my skin raise in goosebumps. I knew that tonight I could not sleep in this bed, that the absence of him would be too painful. So slowly I tiptoed into his room, closing the door behind me and climbing into his bed.
The sheets were cold, much colder than mine to the point where they felt damp, just a reminder of how long it had been since he had slept here, but still I felt closer to him and that was all I needed. I wrapped his poncho around me the smell of leather, motorbike oil and him made my mind ease. I had finally found my peace in the darkness. As I slipped into a slumber my mind floated back to the words I had heard him whisper last night.
"Beth, I promise I aint ever leavin you again."
The words of a man I knew would one day find a way to be with me, if his heart believed I was worth the fight. All I had to do was convince him I was the one worth fighting for.
Authors Note:
*A Carol chapter is coming up next *