*Carol* (This chapter has been edited)
"So are you actually going to tell me why we have been on the road all day?"
The evening sun had slowly disappeared into the blackened sky plunging us into an uncertain darkness, as I balanced precariously on some old shelving in a run down supermarket. It was the fourth store we had looted on our round trip from Knoxville, each one becoming more and more perilous the later and darker it had become. Daryl was on lookout just in front of me, his finger poised on the trigger of his crossbow as he scanned the aisles up ahead for walkers.
"You got cotton in them ears of yours? I already done told you. We needed supplies for the baby."
I grabbed at the largest box on the shelf allowing my eyes to adjust to the fading light, and found it to be just like all of the others, empty apart from a thick layer of dust.
"Yes you did say that before, but I didn't believe it then and I don't believe it now."
The sarcasm was clear in my voice as I pressed the toe of my boot into the next shelf along, pulling myself across before routing through the remaining stack of boxes.
"If you wanted to get me alone Daryl you didn't have to put on this whole ruse. You could have just taken me for a nice candle lit dinner for two. I would have even let you choose the restaurant."
I could hear the subtle shift in his gait behind me as he merely scoffed at my words, and continued to pace along the aisles in between the low shelving units.
It wasn't that I liked making Daryl feel uncomfortable or embarrassed; it was more that I needed something to lighten the mood. Daryl had been deathly quiet all day. He had seemed troubled and lost in his own thoughts, hardly speaking a word, unless it was to grunt out instructions or comment on the ever growing number of walkers we had encountered.
It had been a stark contrast from when he had pounded on my door this morning; it had been so early that the sun hadn't even risen in the Georgia sky, yet his eagerness to go out on a run was bordering on desperate. It was as if someone had lit a fire under his bed and he couldn't escape the growing flames quick enough. Making it clear to me from his demeanor, that being away from the house today was less to do with what we needed out here, and a lot more to do with something he was avoiding back there.
"So if it wasn't to romance me, then why are we still out here? And don't you dare say for supplies again, because I spoke to Rick yesterday and he said that Glenn and Abraham got a good haul when they went out only two days ago."
Daryl remained silent just as he had done for most of the day, his eyes fixed on the aisle ahead as I pulled at the last remaining box and saw it too was empty.
Letting out a sigh I tried to stretch a little, as the ache in my arm started to take its toll.
"A hand please."
I leant down as Daryl reached up and grabbed my hand helping me jump down from the shelf.
"You know Daryl, we are going to have to go back there sooner or later. It's getting really late, and the light is almost gone outside."
Pushing past him I walked over to the set of storage cupboards, pulling one open and finding nothing but empty containers. I saw him quickly raise his crossbow again, looking through the sight as we both caught a glimpse of a walker shuffling past the front doors of the store, only to lower it again once he was sure the walker had gone straight past. His voice was low and his gravelly tone gave an indication of his exhaustion as he spoke.
"Yeah, I reckon we can hold up in the van overnight and then check out the two stores in Macon tomorrow before we head back."
I turned from the cupboard to look him straight in the eye, my own tiredness and frustration rising to the surface.
"Daryl are you going to tell me what is going on? You have been avoiding going back to the house all day, and now we are 10 minutes away and you want to risk staying out here in walker territory, just so you don't have to return there. What exactly have you done?"
He bristled at my words but his demeanor was more of annoyance than of real anger.
"Aint done nothing" He paused for a moment before flicking his hand in my direction. "An I don't care, I'll take you back and I will go stake the places out myself. Don't make no difference to me, might be nice to get some peace and quiet."
Ignoring the tenor and harshness of his comment I turned back to the second cupboard, pulling it open to find yet another one stripped of any goods.
"Suit yourself Daryl, but just know that whatever it is I am going to find out as soon as I get back to the house anyway. All I am doing is giving you a chance to have your say."
Daryl's voice was laced with sarcasm and held bitterness to it as he spoke.
"Well now, aint you just a peach."
His eyes slid to me and then back to the sight on top of his crossbow, his finger squeezing down on the trigger releasing a bolt, straight into the head of walker who had suddenly fallen in through one of the front windows.
I continued to stare at him; a wordless challenge for him to continue with his statement was yet again met with a stony silence. Finally I turned away from him and moved to the last cupboard throwing open the doors in frustration, when I was halted by the sound of his voice. The curt undertone that had been woven into his words all day seemed to have disappeared, replaced now by a lull of resignation.
"I kissed Beth."
My hands stilled on the cupboard door and I turned around to look at him, I noticed that he was chewing on the nail of his thumb. A habit he had whenever he was feeling nervous or uncertain of himself.
"Oh" I tried to keep the tremble out of my voice as I felt the breath taken from my lungs. "When?"
He seemed hesitant, swallowing hard as his eyes caught mine through the strands of his hair that fell in front of them.
"Last night."
"I see." Were the only words I could muster, the only thing I could say without giving away the fact, that for some reason, unbeknown even to me I felt a little hurt and confused by his confession.
Daryl seemed to detect my unease and instantly began chewing on the inside of his lip, his fingers now running over one of the bolts yet to be loaded into his crossbow.
"She was having those bad dreams she keeps havin, you know the ones where she screams." He nodded almost to himself. "And I went to go see if she was ok"
I tried to keep the accusation out of my tone, but even without my intent it was there sewn through the fibre of my words.
"Did you intend on kissing her when you went in there?"
He shook his head, guilt set in his eyes as he shrugged his shoulders.
"It weren't like that, she was just upset and it kind'a happened, it weren't no big deal."
My hands trembled as I finally turned back to close over the cupboard door, unable to look Daryl in his eyes, for fear that I might give away a sense of how I was feeling. Especially since I felt so unsure of the emotions that seemed to be flooding through me.
"And you just high tailed it out of there this morning? Did you even bother to tell her you were leaving?"
"I aint left, I came out to get supplies." The guilt had gone from his voice now and his lilt was back to being curt and dismissive, a glimmer of his bad mood from this morning returning once more.
"Don't play cute with me Daryl Dixon you know what I mean. You just snuck out of there this morning?"
There was a shift in his demeanor, he was clearly annoyed as he swung his crossbow up over his shoulder and turned to walk away from me.
"Like I said it was no big deal. Beth will be fine, it was just a kiss, it aint like some damn romance novel."
A surge of anger ran through me. I couldn't place whether it was for Beth, knowing how she would have felt at being abandoned by Daryl again, or if there was a part of me that felt hurt and betrayed following his words from last night. I grabbed his shoulder, pulling him around to face me.
"You shouldn't do that Daryl, you shouldn't let a girl to think that you like her and then just pull away like that, it's hurtful and its insensitive. Don't you think she has been through enough already without you playing around with her emotions like that. She's not just some toy you can pick up and discard whenever you want."
He stopped in his tracks, his eyes squinting as he stared at me making me feel uncomfortable under their scrutiny. There was nothing but anger in his words now, and the air between us almost burned with the tension.
"Like I said, Beth will be fine."
"You don't know that, you don't know the first thing about how she feels."
He closed the gap between us, his eyes piercing through me.
"Who the hell are we talking about here? Is this about me and Beth, cus it damn sure don't sound like it to me?"
I stuck my chin out in defiance, refusing to give any indication that it was indeed my feelings that had somehow been wounded.
"Of course its about Beth, who else would it be about?"
Daryl held my stare, his eyes seemingly searching for something and when he came up with nothing neither his tone nor gaze softened, still determined in their purpose.
"You tell me? last night you seemed like this was what you wanted, then today you are acting like I gone killed someone's kitten. It was just a kiss, it aint settin up house and havin kids."
He was right of course, last night as we had walked back to the house I had said the words myself, had impressed upon him that he and Beth would be good together. There was to be no doubt, I had pretty much encouraged it, but that was before he had said that he had thought about us. That was before he had told me that even for an instant he had considered 'me and him'. And it was before I had spent a fitful night tossing and turning in my bed, trying to establish whether my feelings for him were just that of friendship or whether there was more between us. But now stood in front of him, hearing the words that he had kissed Beth, had left me feeling crushed and it made my words bite out with a harshness I had not intended
"Really, it means so little to you? Is that why you are refusing to go back to the house and why you are running the gauntlet with all these walkers? My god Daryl, I never had you pegged for a coward."
I turned to walk away, hoping to disguise the sudden sense of sadness that had washed over me, as I felt him grab my wrist and spin me around meeting me eye to eye.
"I aint no coward, it just aint that simple."
There was a crack in my voice but I refused to let my sadness make its claim and so I remained firm in my stance.
"Well maybe, just maybe Daryl if you didn't go around telling other people that you think about them that way, making out like you care for them too, it wouldn't be so complicated."
The words were out before I could stop them, freed from their tethers and out there hanging there between us and filling the air with a dark uncertainty. His eyes were set alight with recognition, ablaze with the realization of what I was saying, the impact of his own words, spoken in the darkness and then so easily forgotten. He said nothing; his eyes fixed on mine seemed to be searching for something and the longer he remained silent the more I felt humiliation creep through my bones, until finally I yanked myself free from his grip.
It was a split second, nothing more. Just one second of silence before my breath suddenly caught in my throat and I watched in slow motion as my elbow inadvertently knocked against one of freestanding storage units. It was as though time had stood still, but everything else continued to move around us as the unit rocked back noisily on its plinth, before tilting over and slowly landing face down with an earth shattering clash of metal on concrete.
The moments that followed seemed to last a lifetime as I stood still, glued to the spot and scared of attracting anymore attention. The steel frame of the shelves echoed its chime through the empty store, filling each corner of the room with a vibration that could be felt through every inch of my body. Within seconds of the unit hitting the tiled floor Daryl had his crossbow raised, my heart was thundering in my chest in answer to the adrenaline suddenly coursing through my body. My senses were heightened, my breaths were shallow and the pulse could be seen thrumming beneath the surface of my skin as the blood rushed through my veins. I grabbed my knife, my body primed and ready to attack, ready to defend and ready to protect myself against the dead, who by now had been alerted to our presence.
Daryl's eyes flicked to mine and we both instantly dropped to the ground, crouching behind the now fallen shelves. Scanning the room I became angry with myself for not paying enough attention to the layout of the floor, it was unlike me to be so remiss, but I had been so tired when we had arrived that I hadn't been as vigilant as I had needed to be. I knew there had been one entrance to the front but I could clearly see the number of walkers gathering there, slowly pushing against the glass doors that were straining against the impact. The clattering of the chain hanging loosely on the push bar of the fire exit, told me that any escape from the rear of the building had too been compromised, leaving us trapped and facing certain death.
Daryl whistled, snapping me out of my panicked thoughts and nodded his head over to a door on the far left of the room. He had scoped it out when we had first arrived, but had found nothing other than a tiny staircase full of furniture that led to a first floor. The furniture had been piled so high that initially it had seemed a fruitless task to even attempt to reach the room that was at the top of the stairs, but now with the odds stacked so heavily against us it seemed like our only lifeline, our only chance of survival.
The doors to the front of the store suddenly gave way to the walkers, crashing to the ground and scattering shards of glass far and wide, tearing through the skin and limbs of the deceased that had begun crawling and clambering in our direction. I nodded my head at Daryl in acknowledgment and as soon as I saw him get a foothold to move behind me, I ran as quickly as I could across the shop floor. I ran and I didn't stop, didn't stop until I was climbing over the furniture of the stairwell and heard Daryl slam the door shut behind us.
It was pitch black, the kind of darkness that engulfs you and makes you feel as though you are on balancing on the edge of nothingness. I fumbled for my torch and flicked it on to see Daryl pushing the furniture back against the door downstairs, the door that was already rattling with the sound of walkers groans as their rotted bodies pushed up against it. I held the torch up above my head, my eyes scanning the door above for a handle, but there was nothing, only a lock that could only be undone from the inside. I could feel the panic rising again, as I saw Daryl scaling the furniture; suddenly his body was pushed up against mine leaving me no room to move. His breaths were deep and labored as he fought to get a foothold on the two steps shared between us. His hard body felt solid against mine as he placed his arms either side of my head in an attempt to keep his balance. His voice was raw as it cut through the darkness.
"You hurt?"
I shook my head, overwhelmed by the feel of his body so close to mine. Oblivious to my reaction he lent down trying to assess the weak spots in the door. This time when he spoke his voice held less urgency but seemed ever more determined.
"Can you reach your knife?"
I continued to hold the torch up above my head with my free hand and tried to move my other arm but it was wedged tightly against the door.
"No I cant, it's stuck."
I tried to twist my body but it was to no avail, any further movement would have knocked Daryl down the stairs and into certain injury. He pressed himself harder against me, adjusting his crossbow, leaning it on the step below us before he maneuvered himself at an angle to the door. I continued to hold the torch up above our head as his rough fingers inadvertently brushed along the skin of my exposed stomach sending a shiver through my body. I felt his hand run slowly and carefully down along my thigh to my holster unsheathing my knife in one swift movement, electricity passing between us as he placed it in my hand. He was pressed hard and firm up against me now as he moved his leg between my thighs making me catch my breath. Suddenly his eyes caught mine and his hand stilled, I saw a fire blaze in the deep blue of his eyes, a heat and dark intensity I had never seen in him before and it made my breath stutter. His lips were within touching distance of mine and the air between us burned with anticipation as I felt nervous tension course through my body.
A loud bang resonated on the door next to us, snapping us out of the moment, bringing us back to reality, the new reality that there were also walkers on the other side of the door we were about to try and break down. Our eyes met once more, the deep dark blue of his irises had turned a steely cold, the fire of our moment completely and utterly extinguished.
He tried to position his shoulder against the door, checking his footing first by looking down the stairs, and assessing his chances of surviving a fall without injury.
"You got this." My words were to reassure me as much as they were for him; fear having wrapped itself around me, choking me with the anticipation of what could be waiting on the other side.
The first push against the door went unanswered, it did not move and only the sound of the walkers groan on the other side let us know there had been any impact at all. The second push saw the lock buckle, it was slight, but it was a hint of weakness that restored Daryl's vigor as he repositioned his feet and braced himself for the impact. The third and final push saw the door fly open, the momentum leaving me fallen at the feet of a walker, one that instantly found Daryl's knife embedded in its skull.
There were two others inside the tiny apartment, members of a small family it seemed. They had died protecting their store or at least waiting it out until the danger had passed. It hadn't of course, and they had perished after barricading themselves in and their food and water had run out. Our knives saw each of them have a quick ending before we placed their bodies on the staircase, in hope that their smell would somehow cover our scent from the walkers who were steadily making progress against the door downstairs.
I immediately checked the large windows to the side of the room and found one of them had a small ledge and ladder down to the ground. The ladder itself was old and rusty but it was in working order from what I could see in the limited light. The only problem was that it had become stuck on some of the stores damaged signage, making it impossible to get down in the dark, leaving us no choice but to sit it out until daylight returned.
Daryl was silent as he began to push what little furniture remained in the apartment against the door. There was no way that the walkers could ever make it over the barricade and up the stairs, but one thing we had learned along the way, was that you could never be too careful. And so anything of any substantial weight was dragged and placed behind the now buckled door and frame.
I sat in the window looking out into the street, looking down on our van, wishing deep down that I was a million miles away, away from here, away from Daryl who seemed to be sending my heart and mind into an absolute free fall. Today had been exhausting and I was in desperate need of some rest not just physically, but emotionally. I needed to find some peace from the thoughts and feelings that seemed to be whirling around inside of me like a tornado.
Daryl seemed to detect my yearning and dragged a sleeper sofa from the back of the room and pulled it over to the face the door, lifting the seat and letting the mattress and frame spring out. It was dusty, but reasonable given the alternative of the filthy floor and so he fixed the cushions in place before he dropped down heavily on the end of the bed.
He took his bandana out of his back pocket he began to wipe his knuckles that I saw for the first time appeared to be bleeding heavily. Rushing over to his side,
I saw the extent of the damage.
"My god are you ok?"
He didn't look up just kept wiping away the remnants of blood as I watched the deep red stain slowly soak through the dirt laden cloth.
"Yeah just old wounds."
My eyes remained fixed on his hands, as I noticed the painful swelling of his already battered knuckles. There was a short silence before he spoke, his voice holding no anger and no malice.
"You wanna tell me what just went on down there?"
Taking the bandana from his hand I slowly began to wrap it around the underside of his hand and up around his knuckles, creating a bandage, my only way of avoiding looking into his eyes.
"I'm not sure. I'm not sure how or what I am feeling right now."
I pulled the bandana a little tighter around his hand, a means of trying to stop the blood. A hiss falling from Daryl's lips as he bit through the sting of his shredded skin against the rough material.
"mmhmm, you seemed pretty damn sure of a thing or two down there."
I tied a knot in the bandana and watched as Daryl stretched his fingers out making sure it wasn't to tight, before I looked up and gave him a small smile. I shuffled to the top of the bed, pulling my knees up to my chest and looking out of the window to the moon that was now shining brightly into the room.
"You know I still remember so clearly the day you left us. You know when Merle came back. I remember it as if it was yesterday, how it felt when Rick said you had decided to leave."
I paused for a moment, my mind playing over the memory of being stood outside the prison and crying for him.
"I remember feeling bereft, like somehow this world, my world didn't seem right without you in it."
Daryl rested his elbows on his knees and looked at the floor for a minute before he spoke again, a hint of guilt danced around his words.
"I came back didn't I?"
I remained looking out of the window into the night, but gave a small nod in acknowledgment.
"Yes you did, but we didn't know whether you would. No one really dared to hope back then. I mean the whole group felt the loss of you no longer being there. Rick felt like he had lost a brother and Hershel, well he was always hit hard by any loss. That was just the man he was. But Beth and I it was like we felt your absence more than everyone else."
I let out a sigh recalling the sadness of those days, the grief I had felt at the possibility of him never returning.
"Beth and I spoke about it, about you. It hit us both so hard but it was in such different ways. She was angry, it hurt her that you would go like that; she didn't really understand how you could just leave. She felt that without you we were all weaker, and it was true. It is true."
I could feel him looking at me over his shoulder, but still I didn't make eye contact, scared that it might take away the small amount of courage I had.
"Ya'll did fine without me."
I nodded, "Yeah we would have survived, barely. But it wasn't about that. The truth is the group was weaker without you, but more importantly Beth is weaker without you, because she sees you being together as something that makes her stronger. I felt your loss too, but I wasn't angry, I wasn't hurt, I was just sad, it felt like I was mourning you. But I understood it more than Beth, I guess the truth is I was more resigned to losing you. I think in the back of my mind I always feel like I am going lose you, whether it be to this world or to another choice you make."
From the corner of my eye I saw Daryl flex his fingers and ball them back up into a fist. He looked up ahead of him into the empty space of the room; there was anticipation in his posture, as though he was bracing himself for a truth he wasn't yet ready to hear.
"You think your gonna lose me to Beth?"
There was a silence as I struggled to find the right words to say. I felt stupid, I knew I had no claim on this man, but I also knew that this wasn't some schoolgirl crush either. My feelings for him went beyond anything I had ever felt for Ed or for anyone in my life other than my daughter, It was as though he had somehow become woven into the fibre of who I was in this world, and my fear of losing him filled me with a sadness I couldn't ever explain.
"You aint never gonna lose me Carol, it aint gonna ever be like that, you said it yourself no matter what happens we always end up together."
I let a small smile pass on my lips, it was all I could do to acknowledge his words even if I didn't believe them.
"Some things are inevitable Daryl, but I don't want you to think I don't want you to be with Beth, because I do, I want you to be happy. I can see it; I can see you being you with her. I know that is how things are meant to be."
It was his turn to stand up now and he walked over to the window looking out for a moment letting silence fall around us. He turned around pressing his back to the wall, his legs crossed in front of him and his arms folded over his chest. He was guarded but I could see him chewing on the inside of his lip, which told me he was unsure as he spoke through the strands of hair that had fallen in front of his eyes.
"I meant what I said last night."
He nodded as he continued to chew on the inside of his lip, his voice low and sincere in the darkness.
"You know, bout us." His eyes captured mine and refused to let me look away.
"About me and you." He let his finger wave between the two of us.
"Thought about it at all the time at prison, used to run it over and over in my mind, how it would all play out. In the prison…"
He tilted his head, gesturing out of the window.
"And out there. I saw it. Saw us."
He hesitated and went back to chewing on the inside of his lip before he spoke again, his voice low and gravelly.
"I just thought if I waited, just waited till things got right, that the proper time would come, it would just happen, you know?"
I held his gaze as I tried to mask the sadness in my voice.
"But it just never did, did it?"
He shrugged, raising his thumb to bite on his nail, his eyes downcast as he replied.
"Or maybe it did and we just missed it."
I shook back a tear that was ready to fall over my cheek as he came and sat next to me on the bed; his feet planted firmly on the floor while he rested his elbows on his knees and ran his hands roughly over his face.
"Then after the prison, me and Beth"
He paused now, taking a deep breath before recalling memories I could see from his expression held great pain.
"Something changed, she changed me somehow, I aint even sure how or when it happened. It just did. I admired her naïve, hopeful way. I was so sick of running back then and just so fuckin angry. Losing Hershal, Merle."
He turned and looked at me for a moment, his eyes were suddenly the softest blue could be seen in the slithers of moonlight.
"Losing you. Thinking you were out there somewhere, alone and that I weren't never gonna see you again, I thought it was gonna destroy me."
I gently ran my hand down his arm a touch of reassurance and thanks for his candor.
"She brought me back to a place where I started to think our days weren't done yet, even after she was gone, taken away. I was still left with her hope that I would find ya'll somehow. Find you, and somehow make everything all right."
He looked up again and stared out of the window as my words came out in a stutter, held back by a sob that I wouldn't allow to go free.
"She makes you stronger. Doesn't she?"
He looked at me and shrugged.
"In someways, in someways she makes me weaker, like I don't know what she thinks of me, makes me feel like I don't know what I am doin."
I tried to put lightness in my tone.
"Well I can always draw you a diagram or arrange for Rick to give you and Carl 'The Chat' at the same time."
He scoffed now and it was a sound that made my heart lift. I felt him move and I shifted over on the sleeper to allow him to lie down, watching him settle and bring his hand behind his head before I lay down next to him. Both of us just lay there, staring at the ceiling letting the gravity of our words engulf us, with only the distant groans and bangs of the walkers outside and downstairs breaking through the silence.
"Why did you keep going back to him?"
There was a pause while I let his words sink in before I heard him speak again.
"Back to Ed when he kept beatin on you and doin you wrong like he did?"
There was no accusation or judgment in his voice, but still the question stung, hurt my heart as it made me reach down into the part of me that I hated the most. The part of me that had tossed away my own self worth and put my own life and that of my daughter at risk. I tried to keep my voice steady as I spoke.
"I guess I was scared, not scared of the beatings, after a while your body becomes immune to the pain you know."
I looked over at him in the moonlight knowing he would understand the sentiment more than most, I saw him nod slightly but he remained silent all the same.
"Just scared of being alone, being without someone to protect me, even though now I see at the time he was the biggest threat. Back then I thought I would never be able to look after myself without him being by my side. But mostly I just thought that if I was a good mother to his child, a perfect wife to him, he would somehow just become a better man. Just wake up and see I was worth being good for."
Daryl didn't move, his eyes stayed fixed to the ceiling, the only change was the tenor of his breathing revealing a subtle anger that laced its way through his words.
"Me and Beth don't change a thing, as long as there is breath in my lungs ain't no man on this earth ever gonna raise his hand to you again, you hear me. And you aint never gonna be sent away again neither not by Rick, not by no one, wherever you go I go. Them things Ed did to you, them times you felt scared or on your own that aint your path no more. Your path is with me, no matter who else is there with us. Me and Beth wont never change that."
I reached for his hand that lay between us and entwined my fingers with his, a gesture he had extended to me last night as we had walked back into the house. A gesture between friends who knew words alone did not carry the gravity of what needed to be said. And as I felt him squeeze my fingers gently in acknowledgement I suddenly felt my tears fall freely for the first time in a long time. I cried for my life with Ed, cried for the overwhelming loss of Sophia and cried for the fear I had felt when Rick had sent me a way. I cried because I knew it was time for me to let go, let go and begin to forgive myself and start to heal my heart. And as the last tear tickled down my cheek I whispered into the night the only words I could find.
"Thank you."
*Authors Note*
A 'Daryl' chapter is coming up next