This Chapter Bought To You By:

3sdt & all the other followers

For giving me the courage to keep draggin' this thing out.

3 Weeks Later

Shinji fiddled with the straps on her bag. "D'you think that Sensei's going to ask for the homework?" she asked nervously.

"Pshht, no way," Asuka said carelessly. "To be totally honest, he could set homework every day and be too busy trying to come up with new ways to make gags about the apocalypse to care."

"So, in that cinematic rendition of Second Impact, the star Mira Nicki really had a meteoric rise in fame, haha..." The teacher grinned nervously and waited for laughter.

Several seconds passed, before the class groaned in unison.

Toji and Kensuke smashed their heads on their desk, while Asuka facepalmed and Shinji made a throwing up motion.

Even Hikari looked a little embarrassed for the poor man.

"But there are more important things," Asuka said. "Like who's the guy in the empty seat? He's been skipping school for a while now."

"He isn't skipping school. He broke half the bones in his body!" Shinji scolded. "Give him a break for a week at least, would you?"

"Sure, sure," Asuka replied. "I wonder... would that be him over there?" he asked, pointing at the blue-haired boy sitting on the bench, reading quietly.

Shinji looked where he was pointing, and ticked off the three points on her Rei Ayanami checklist.

Blue hair? Tick. Red eyes? Tick. Albino? Tick.

"That would be Rei Ayanami," Shinji said by way of introduction.

==1.1.1==

Eva One-Half

==1.1.1==

"Hey."

Rei Ayanami was unused to intruders onto his personal space. He enjoyed reading very much, and people interrupting him were... annoying.

"Hey," Asuka repeated loudly. "Can you hear me?" he asked, waving a hand in front of the bluenette.

"I am capable of hearing," Rei said, looking up from his book. "Pilot Sohryu. I am pleased to meet you," he said calmly.

"Well... pleased to meet you too," Asuka replied. "Whatcha reading?" he asked.

"The title is Metaphysics Advanced Course, written by..." Rei looked at the spine of the well-worn book. "... the name is redacted."

"Sweet. Someone else intelligent!" Asuka said brightly. "Well, I'm sure we'll be great friends!"

"If I'm ordered to I will be," Rei said coldly, before turning back to his book.

Asuka seemed perplexed at the boy's strange behavior. [1] As the two Children walked off to their lockers, Shinji elbowed him in the ribs.

"What?!" Asuka asked, glaring at Shinji. "Don't hit me for no reason!"

"You know exactly why I did that!" Shinji retorted. "You had no right to barge in on him like that!" [2]

Toji raised an eyebrow at Rei, and asked Kensuke, "Are only weirdos Eva pilots?"

Shinji was on the verge of falling asleep (in the first 5 minutes of school, no less) when there was a loud siren that jolted her out of it.

"Angel attack," Shinji sighed in a way that said I'm sick and tired of this.

"Yep," Asuka said. "Guess we'd better head off to Nerv."

"IT'S A GUNDAM!" [3] somebody screamed, pointing at the giant shape lumbering through the city of Tokyo.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" was the main response from the class.

All hell broke loose inside class 2-A, and Shinji, Rei and Asuka decided to take the opportunity to discreetly escape to Nerv.

"Any readings from the Magi yet, Ritsuko?" Misato asked.

Ritsuko tapped on her keyboard some more. "OK, we're polling the Magi right about now. Let's see..."

They're Siamese twins, Balthazar intoned.

"Nothing productive so far," Ritsuko said tersely, glaring at her laptop screen.

Misato raised her eyebrow at the word "productive" but said nothing.

Melchizor was putting Balthazar in a digital headlock.

They're two Angels in one! Melchizor said quickly. Ignore Balthazar's stupid humor!

"Conjoined?" Ritsuko asked, squinting at the laptop.

Shigeru discreetly made a cuckoo gesture, while Makoto snickered a little bit.

"I saw that, Shigeru," Ritsuko said, still concentrated on the computer screen. "We've got nothing special. Seems like a weaker version of Sachiel."

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Misato asked. "Sortie Unit-01 and Unit-02. Nothing to it!"

I wouldn't say that... Melchizor muttered. Something tells me... oh, wait, it is me. All 500 petaflops of my computing power.

"Quit smart-talking, Mother!" Ritsuko snapped, pounding the mute key on her laptop.

"What the hell are you going on about, Ritsu?" Misato asked, scratching her head. "Why exactly are you talking to yourself again?"

"Nothing," Ritsuko said quickly. "Just... tired and a little stressed."

"All right then. Commander's given the go-ahead for the deployment of the two units," Misato said. "I'm going to record this for Evangelion's Greatest Hits." [4]

As it turned out, however, Misato should've put the battle in the box called Time We Lost Our Nerv.

Asuka drew his Sonic Glaive, and threw.

The Angel immediately got a knife flying at 50 miles an hour to the chest.

Shinji looked over at Asuka with an impressed look on her face.

"Did you just..." Shinji trailed off.

"Well, that was easy," Asuka said, shrugging. "FLAWLESS VICTORY!" he declared, pumping his fists in the air. "Who da best pi-"

Then the Angel peeled off into two seperate halves, and everything went downhill.

"Scheist." Asuka mumbled.

"RUUUN!" both pilots screamed, and the Evas didn't need to be told.

"Well, that was easy," Misato mimicked, flicking through the photos. "Flawless victory my ass," she muttered, bringing up the photos of Unit-01 and Unit-02.

Both Asuka and Shinji had been absolutely smashed. It was only due to the intervention of a handily placed non-nuclear bomb that Israfel was gone... for the time being.

"It was her fault!" Asuka protested, pointing at Shinji.

"I wasn't the one who knifed it and split it in half!" Shinji retorted hotly.

"No, you were the one who didn't give me backup!"

"Would you two quiet down!" Fuyutsuki snapped, causing both of them to fall silent. "Stop blaming it on each other. Both of you were at fault in that battle, and you know it. We won't be able to stop Israfel again the next time it attacks. Humanity is now in the hands of you two. Don't make us reconsider."

"The U.N. intervened at that stage," Misato continued. "They used an N2 mine and destroyed about a quarter of its body. It'll take one week to regenerate, during which you two will have to train to get ready."

"So, the million-yen question - what do we have to do?" Asuka asked.

"Good question. Ever played Dance Dance Revolution?" Misato replied, a grin on her face.

"We're doing a dance battle?" Shinji asked, still in disbelief as they drove back to Misato's apartment. "I can't believe it... I thought that stuff only happened in bad anime..."

"You'll be drinkin' it in full 1080p, then," Misato replied. "And don't worry, Metacritic gave your life... a 10/10, just so you know it's not that bad."

"Pfft! If her life is 10/10, then I'm over 9000," Asuka sniped. "So, then, how are we going to practice? Did you buy a proper arcade machine?" he asked eagerly. "Cause I was the cham-pi-on in America at this game!"

"Sorry, Asuka," Misato apologised. "I hope you're not disappointed by a Twister mat hooked up to a score counter."

"Dammit!" Asuka cursed. "Well, at least our movements are the only thing we'll have to sync."

"Haven't you learnt not to say stuff like that?" Misato asked. [5]

"What? Why? Oh, no way," Asuka moaned. "Don't tell me..."

"Yep, everything. What time you wake up, what time you go to bed, what food you eat and even your outfits," Misato said, grinning widely. "And you'll just love the ones I ordered for you on EvaBay!" [6]

Day 1

"A... pink... spandex outfit?!" Asuka spluttered. "I look ridiculous in this!" he protested, squirming about uncomfortably. "Come on, I thought Tokyo was meant to be the height of fashion! Even different-colored t-shirts look better than this!"

"It's an "aerobics outfit", and by the way, Shinji seems to disagree," Misato commented, pointing at the Third Child. "Blood raining from her nose doesn't usually mean she's laughing," she explained.

"Wh- oh. Pervert!" Asuka quickly turned away from Shinji.

Day 2

"Come on you two!" Misato clapped her hands. "You call that dancing?"

Shinji was keeled over, panting heavily. "How do you expect me to do a handstand and dance in sync to this music?!" she protested.

"Fine then," Misato said, obviously disappointed. "So much for the rest of that routine," she sighed.

"What did that involve exactly?" Asuka asked.

"It involved you doing a couple of backflips, the odd splits and a headspin or two if you two did well," Misato replied wistfully.

"I'm thankful that Shinji's a bad dancer," Asuka mumbled.

Day 3

"Are you done yet?" Asuka asked, crossing his legs and bouncing about in an effort to stop himself from wetting his pants. "Please... mercy..."

"Not yet," Shinji called, relaxing in the bath to Fly Me to the Moon. "Aaaah. Bliss," she sighed, stretching out.

"DAMMIT, MY BLADDER CAN'T TAKE THIS NO MORE!" Asuka screamed, and ran off to the fridge.

"Asuka, you look like you're a little drunk," Misato commented. "And this beer tastes salty," she said in disgust, glaring at the can of Yebisu that had been left on the counter.

Shinji looked questioningly at Asuka, who had a very guilty look on his face.

Day 4

"Well, at least you two have gotten somewhat better," Misato sighed. "Hopefully you can finally break the 50% barrier in 3 days."

"We're still at less than 50% synchronisation?" Asuka asked, frantically trying to hit the glowing dots on the mat. "How?"

"Because you- oh, never mind," Misato said, facepalming at the latest failure. "Shinji, please don't get your hands twisted up with your legs. That would be awkward in the Eva. And Asuka, you're the one missing the beats [7] here. Don't blame her."

"So... we... practice... again?" Shinji panted. "I think... the most... appropriate song to play here... is... Feels Like We Only Go Backwards."

Day 5 - Party!

"Guess who else decided to come along to your practice sessions?" Misato asked, grinning despite the fact that Asuka was berating Shinji again. Rei had arrived several hours ago to observe their progress and didn't even looked disappointed.

"No idea," Shinji said. "Who?"

"Let me guess," Asuka said sarcastically. "The Two Stooges?"

"Ding ding ding! One hundred points to Sohryu!" Misato announced. "Oop, there they are," she said, noticing the knocking on the door. "You two answer the door."

"Hello?" the two asked in sync.

"BAAH!" Toji and Kensuke jumped back. "What did she do to you two?" Toji asked in a panic, looking at the two synced-up pilots.

"Misato made us do this," the two sighed (in sync). "Don't ask."

"Come in," Misato said cheerfully. "Don't just stand there and stare!"

"Um... thanks," Toji said awkwardly. "So, is there anything to eat?" he asked eagerly, dragging Kensuke with him into the apartment.

"Always hungry," Misato sighed. "Check the kitchen. But you don't want to miss out on the main spectacle... the synchronised dancers, Asuka and Shinji!" she announced.

"We are not your circus performers!" Asuka and Shinji protested hotly, proving her point.

"Hey, I wanna come in too!" a voice said from the doorway. "Wait, you two are living together?" Hikari asked, scandalised.

"We do what we must in these situations," Misato explained.

However, it was much too late for Toji and Kensuke, who both looked as if they'd been punched.

"You dog!" Toji said, pointing at Asuka. "Don't tell me you've been taking advantage of the situation?" he asked in disbelief, causing Asuka to quickly go from "embarrassed" to "homicidal".

"Misato, can I beat him up a little bit?"

"No."

Soon the three newcomers had settled into the apartment. Hikari was teaching Pen-pen to beg, while Toji was busy scarfing down the left-overs of dinner the previous night. Kensuke had his camcorder stuck to his eye, while Rei was sitting calmly in front of the two pilots.

"Right then, kids!" Misato said brightly. "Are we ready to get our dance on?" she asked.

"No," Asuka and Shinji replied.

"All right then! Get ready, cause here we go!" Misato hit the play button on her tape player and waited for the magic to happen.

Everything went great for the first five seconds. Then all hell broke loose.

Shinji accidentally kicked her hand and toppled over backwards, while Asuka crossed his legs and couldn't get them uncrossed again, causing the two to get tangled up.

"WHY?!" Asuka screamed, furiously trying to get himself back on his feet. "How does this always happen?"

"It's not that hard, Asuka," Misato scolded. "I mean... even Rei could do it," she said, gesturing for Rei to step up.

"Rei?!" Asuka's protests were cut short by Rei calmly stepping onto the mat.

"Ready?" Misato asked. "Let's go, then!"

As soon as the two made their first move, it was almost as if they were being controlled by the same person.

"That's it!" Asuka stomped out of the room in anger and slammed the door behind him.

Hikari looked at the spot where Asuka had been, then at Shinji.

"Shinji!" she said in seeming horror. "What did you do?"

"Me?" Shinji asked in confusion. "I didn't-"

"You made a boy cry!" Hikari spluttered. "What do you mean, What did I do? Go after him!"

Shinji found Asuka outside the apartment, his face stormy.

"It's come to this, hasn't it?" Asuka said bitterly. "I'm going to get both Rei and Misato!"

"What?" Shinji asked. "I don't- You don't have to prove anything to them! I didn't run all the way here just to tell you to prove your worth to them, y'know!"

"You're Japanese, aren't you? Your honor... is something to defend!" Asuka replied. "For that insult... I'm going to get them back... ten times over!"

Shinji frowned for a moment, before smiling at him.

Day 6

"Jeez, what did you do to him the other day, Shinji?" Misato asked in disbelief. "Now that's what I call synchronisation."

"I'm Asuka... and I still got it..." Asuka sung to himself while he showered. "Woo!" [8]

"What's he on about?" Shinji asked, pointing her thumb at the shower door.

"It's just normal behavior," Misato said, waving away her concern. "Now, I'm going to be working late. You two don't misbehave, OK? I don't want Section 2 reporting any... misconduct... Shin-chan!"

Shinji was too embarrassed to respond.

"Righty-o. Bye-bye!" Misato smiled sunnily, and shut the door behind her.

"So, we're all alone," a voice said behind Shinji.

"Huh?" Shinji asked.

"I said, we're all alone," Asuka repeated louder.

"So?"

"Oh, forget it," Asuka said in exasperation. "You know what, I think I'll go sleep alone."

"What?" Shinji was perplexed at this sudden turn of events.

Asuka opened the door and pointed at the borderline. "See this, Third Child? That's the Wall of Jericho. Cross it... and Section 2 won't be able to find you again. Now, it's time for children to sleep!" he declared, before slamming the door.

What was that all about? Shinji thought.

Anybody looking at the apartment of Misato Katsuragi at 10 PM that night would've seen a zombie staggering about.

That zombie was actually one Asuka Sohryuu. Because someone else already did Evangelion zombies.

Asuka soon made his way into Shinji's room and collapsed on the floor.

Or rather Shinji.

The author glared at several readers who were rubbing their hands in anticipation of some juicy goodness.

"This is not a lemon," he snapped.

"DAMMIT NO DA!" two people screamed from the back of the digital ampitheater.

The author giggled a little bit at that, before resuming his normal serious face and continuing to type.

However, Shinji was deep asleep, and her unconscious mind simply brushed it off as a nice warm blanket before continuing to send her some nice dreams about mass-murdering several Angels in her Evangelion.

The author put his hands up in the air.

"Hell, I'd be dreaming about this stuff if I was in her shoes," he explained. "Those bastards deserve all the hate they get!... except maybe Kaworu."

He pondered that for one second before realising that Tabris was the source of most - no, all - of the yaoi in the fandom.

"Forget that last one," he muttered.

Some time later

Misato opened the door to Shinji's room and pulled out her sidearm, a C-60... Air Horn.

BWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

"BAAH!" Shinji jolted upright. "What the hell was that for, Misato?" she snapped, glaring at the now snickering Captain.

"RISE AND SHINE, SHINJI!" Misato shouted in her best drill-sergeant voice. "AND YOU TOO, ASUKA!" she ordered.

"...whuh..." Asuka blearily opened his eyes. "...where am I..."

He quickly realised where his head was, though, and soon scrambled away from Shinji.

Both Children were now sweating enough to fill up an Entry Plug.

Misato took a glance at the two of them, before commenting drily, "Shinji Ikari, please tell me you at least used lube."

Both of them simultaneously had heart attacks.

Asuka and Shinji were nervously anticipating the arrival of Israfel in their Entry Plugs.

"Hit it," Ritsuko ordered Maya.

"Never thought I'd see the day," Maya said dreamily, which should get yuri fans up.

"The music," Ritsuko clarified.

"Oh, sorry." Maya turned away with a blush on her face.

A peaceful orchestral soundtrack soon floated through the speakers of the Evangelion units, which was ironic considering the bloody murder about to occur.

Both pilots cracked their knuckles and ran headlong at the Angel.

What happened next was a cross between a brutal massacre and a beautiful ballet.

The two Units grabbed their rifles and strafed Israfel, before it split... and soon joined together again via a spin-kick straight out of Code Geass.

Right before the two cores joined together and were covered again, both pilots took the opportunity to jump and drive their feet straight into the core. Their velocity smashed them into the nearby mountain, where Israfel soon went...

Boom.

Everyone on the bridge was forced to squint as the Angel detonated in a beautiful cross-shape explosion and a small rainbow appeared.

Both Evas were sent flying with their pilots blinded by the beauty of the whole scene and the overt symbolism.

Blind pilots don't fly well, needless to say, and the two crash-landed on top of each other.`

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Asuka screamed. "Jerk! Why'd you do that to my Unit-02?"

"What are you on about now? You're the one who's crushing my chest armor!" Shinji retorted.

"You lost your timing first! Why are you so out of it?! What the hell were you doing up last night?"

"I-Image training!" Shinji didn't have a clue what Asuka was talking about.

"You're a liar! I know what you tried to do to me last night!" Asuka roared.

"What? I didn't do anything! You were the one who sleepwalked into my room, you pervert!"

Central Command was in chaos.

Kaji was wetting himself laughing on the floor, while Maya was trying to hold in giggles and Makoto was grinning like an idiot.

The rest of the bridge was simultaneously crying, facepalming, or looking slightly disgusted.

Gendo Ikari... was grinning behind his gloved hands. [10]

They say that comedy is tragedy plus time.

Which would've explained why Misato, one hour later, was laughing her head off.

"You two are priceless," she giggled. "Oh, man, as if this morning wasn't funny enough, you two follow it up..."

Asuka and Shinji were facing opposite ways and definitely not talking to each other.

Misato, however, was too embroiled in her schadenfreude to notice something very dangerous racing towards her.

"Misato..." Asuka said suddenly. "You're heading towards-"

BEEEEEEEEEEEP!

"WRONG LANE! WRONG LANE!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" all three passengers screamed.

What Didn't Make The Cut

[1]: Usually after making out, Rei didn't look so gloomy.

[2]: "You know Rei needs his privacy!" Shinji reprimanded. "Especially in the shower!"

[3]: Tell me I'm not the only one who thinks this.

[4]: Evangelion's Greatest Hits - 504 Right hooks, uppercuts and Prog Knife slashes on 3 DVDs!

[5]: Misato's nose was bleeding slightly at the dirty thought Asuka's last comment had conjured up.

[6]: EvaBay - We sell Prog Knives, Cores and armor plating too! Buy 500 L of LCL and get an additional 50% free!

[7]: A cookie to the viewers who spotted this.

[8]: "Well," Shinji said, hiding her blush behind her hand, "I really... worked him out... that day on the balcony, you know?"

"Work me out?" Asuka said in disbelief, poking his head out of the shower door. "You ca-"

The author stopped, suddenly realising that he was writing the beginning of a lemon.

"Why do my tears feel so familiar?" he asked himself, sobbing through his hands.

[9]: Poor Asuka never saw the next day, as Shinji was now violently acting her dreams out in real life.

[10]: "My daughter had her first time..." Gendo sniffed and wiped a tear away from his eye.