*Beth*
Rick and I didn't leave his side. For 36 long hours we sat patiently and waited. We watched with trepidation as Daryl's unconscious claimed him, shutting off his body in an attempt to heal from its injuries. Sat there in silence we exchanged few words, just fleeting looks of concern and worry as the hours slowly ticked by.
I placed cold compresses on Daryl's head, and wiped away the sweat that had covered his body when his temperature soared in the already punishing Georgia heat, and Rick had wrapped him in blankets and heavy clothing when hours later his fever had finally broken, and Daryl was left trembling violently against the cold night air. And still we waited.
Eventually though Daryl had fallen into a deep slumber, his destroyed body at last finding rest as the sun began to creep through the windows, signaling the start of a new day, and a renewed hope that Daryl would soon return to consciousness.
I stared down into his face, his hard features finally free of the excruciating pain that had been evident only hours before. Softly I ran my fingertips over his forehead, gently moving aside the hair that had fallen over his eyes. The dark strands remaining stuck to the ashen skin of his forehead, still wet from the beads of sweat and the cool damp cloths that had been placed there earlier in the day.
A sudden movement from the other side of the bed reminded me that I was not alone and I snatched my hand back, my eyes flitting over to Rick as I felt the heat rise in my cheeks.
"He's going to be alright Beth, he's strong."
Ricks words were firm and held no uncertainty, but still fear rumbled in the pit of my stomach and I could feel the sting of tears prickling at the back of my eyes as I struggled to believe that Daryl could come back from this. Rick immediately detected the defeat in my eyes and stood from his seat, his voice low but stern and offering no room for negotiation as he pointed at Daryl's sleeping form.
"That man right there, toughest son of a bitch I know, he ain't gonna let a few bruises and a cracked rib finish him off. You know that."
I wanted to believe him, I wanted to hold onto his words and just for a moment have the same faith he did, but as I looked down at Daryl and saw his skin littered with bruises and his bandages splattered with blood I felt nothing but fear and doubt. For the first time since I had laid eyes on him at my daddy's farm, he looked fragile and broken and seeing him look so vulnerable petrified me. It scared me to face the reality that this man who had always seemed to be invincible, who seemed incapable of weakness, was in fact human after all, and could be taken away from me forever. The sense of panic that had been trying its best to overwhelm me finally found its foothold, making my breath catch in my throat as my words stuttered out.
"I just don't want to loose him. I can't. Not now, not after everything."
Rick was silent for a moment, his eyes suddenly fixed on mine as a flicker of realization crossed his features. He looked down at the ground, seemingly contemplating his words before he spoke again.
"How long?"
He slowly lifted his head, tilting it to try and capture my gaze, his voice holding no judgment or accusation.
"How long have you been in love with him?"
I pulled the frayed sleeve of my cardigan over my knuckles and began chewing on the thread that had become loose at the seam, a nervous habit I had picked up recently. Unable to meet Ricks stare I fixed my eyes on Daryl's face, my mouth still dry making my voice crack as I finally admitted what Rick already knew.
"Since just after the prison, it was just us two out there you know? And although nothing happened between us, it just seemed like we were all we had, like that was how it was always gonna be. I guess it changes things."
I took a moment to pause before I spoke again.
"Well it changed things for me at least."
As my eyes flicked back to Rick I expected to find his expression one of disapproval or even pity, but instead I found neither. Just a knowing nod of his head as he returned to his seat on the opposite side of Daryl's bed.
"Makes sense."
I dropped the frayed cuff of my cardigan from my mouth and tried as best as I could to disguise the confusion in my voice as I struggled to understand his comment.
"What do you mean, it makes sense? What does?"
Rick relaxed, the tension slipping away from his shoulders as he sat back in his chair, looking me straight in my eyes.
"When we met him out on the road, after the prison. I could tell something had changed him"
He sat forward now before resting his elbows on his knees, his eyes sliding momentarily towards Daryl.
"That man there would be the first to tell you he has been a loner all his life, but out there he was a man lost. At first I just put it down to losing the prison, I mean that took its toll on everyone you know, being ripped apart like that."
He looked sorrowful as he mentioned the fall of our old base, anger now replaced by the deep sadness for what we lost and the grief at losing so many of the people we cared about still raw for each of us. Unable to find the words I merely nodded in acknowledgment, as he continued.
"But even when we all found each other again, he still weren't with us, in his head he was still out there somewhere. Didn't take me long to work out that the part of him that was missing, the part that he had lost, it was you."
My breath caught in my throat as I listened to Rick's words, suddenly realizing for the first time that I had never considered how it had been for Daryl, how alone he must have felt out there after that fateful night at the funeral home.
"Oh."
It was the only word I could muster, as I struggled to bite back the tears that were now so eager to break free. My mind suddenly taken back to the moment when I had first seen Daryl's face again as he walked through the doors of Grady. For the first time the memory seemed to be pulled into a renewed and sharper focus, and I recalled with a new found clarity the sadness I had seen in the deep dark blue of his eyes, the broken stance of his body and his features etched with despair, it had been there all along, I just hadn't seen it. Daryl Dixon had been a broken man.
Rick snapped me from my reverie his voice still low and gravelly, telling the tale of his impending tiredness.
"Everyone was shocked that Daryl had managed to find you, no one could believe that he had managed to beat all the odds and get you back to us. But not me, I knew he wouldn't rest until he had you back with us, where you belong."
He hesitated for a moment before he added.
"Back with him."
Rick's eyes flicked back to Daryl, who was now beginning to shift slightly under the bed covers, his face contorting as the pain broke through his sub conscious making him release a painful sigh from his pale lips. I ran my hand down his cheek, my fingertips gently soothing away the creases in his skin, the deep markers of his suffering. My voice was little more than a whisper as I spoke, my eyes remaining fixed on Daryl's face, until finally he slipped back into his slumber.
"How did you know he would find me?"
"I just knew he would never be able to live without you. Each time I spoke to him and asked him what had happened out there, all he ever said was 'she's just gone.' You know why he said that?"
I shook my head, desperately trying to hold my composure as I began to finally reconcile the memories of the man I had been with after the prison with the man who now lay before me.
"Because he refused to think that there wasn't a chance you two would be back together, he refused to believe that you weren't out there somewhere. Even when everyone else doubted that you were alive, that you had survived, he refused to think that you had been taken away from him. That it was the end for you two. He never gave up and that is why he sat by your bed for three whole days waiting for you to wake up. Just like you are for him right now."
My eyes shot up to meet Ricks as finally errant tears fell from my eyelashes and ran down my cheeks, forcing me to quickly brush them away with the back of my cardigan sleeve. There was a surprised tone to his words when he next spoke.
"Ahh I see, I guess you didn't know that did you?"
I shook my head again as Rick stood up again and moved to the bottom of Daryl's bed.
"Beth when we got back from Grady you were beaten up pretty bad, much like Daryl has right now and just like him your body just shut off. Maggie was the one who treated you, made good on your stitches."
He pointed to the still raised scar on my cheek and my fingers instinctively went to it, my eyes dropping down at the memory.
"But this tough son of bitch right here, he sat by your bedside for three days. Refused leave your side till he knew you were awake and doing ok."
I felt my head starting to spin with his words, nothing he said seeming to make any sense at all.
"So why did he go when I woke up. He hardly came and saw me at all once I was awake, and when he did, he would never speak. He cut me out like I was nothing to him, like he didn't even want me here. And when I told him I love him, he said nothing."
Rick lowered his head, in a gesture of resignation, his tone suddenly holding a deep sadness to it.
"Beth I'm not the right man the answer to that, I am a man who should have said so many things to the people."
He corrected himself and lowered his gaze to the ground.
"To the one person who deserved to hear it the most. I should have told Lori a million times over how I still loved her."
His voice broke and I waited while he took a deep breath, before he spoke again.
"But we just don't. We get caught up in this godforsaken world, in the dangers and the threats and we get blindsided by the fight to just survive another day."
His voice trailed off as he refused to meet my gaze, his overwhelming guilt laced through his every word.
"We just always think we have time Beth, that there will be a time to do the right thing the right way."
My own voice cut through the silence that followed.
"But we don't do we."
Rick walked around and stood beside me, the room falling silent just for a moment before he knelt down next to me, both of our eyes now fixed on Daryl, the cadence of his breathing letting us know he was still in a deep sleep.
"Beth, all I know for certain is that when he came back, he had lost something out there, and no matter how long it took, he was determined to find you. He never gave up on you. Maybe all he needs right now is for you not give up on him."
I turned to him and gave him a small smile, the weight of his words heavy on my heart as the door to the room suddenly opened and we both turned to see Maggie stood there.
"Carols awake. She's awake and she's doing fine. I checked her vitals and she's good"
Maggie was exhausted, the deep creases and dark circles under her eyes told of her sleepless nights and worry, the burden of Carol's recovery clearly taking its toll on my older sister.
"She asked for Daryl, but I told her he is sleeping. But Rick you should come see her. I think you need to know what happened out there."
Rick nodded and looked at me briefly before turning back to Maggie.
"Tell her I will be there in a minute, Beth can stay here with Daryl."
Maggie turned to me now her eyes fixing on mine, her tone suddenly drenched with concern.
"Bethy do you need anything? I could take over while you sleep, you look beat."
I saw her trying to hold my gaze, her own silent way of pleading with me to take a break, even though she knew deep down I wouldn't.
"No I am fine, I have everything here. I am sure he will wake up soon"
I gave her a small smile, happy that she did not press me on the matter, but instead came over and hugged me tightly before she slipped back out of the room plunging Rick and I back into silence once more.
Slowly I let my fingers trace over the palms of Daryl's hands, my fingertips brushing over his wrist where I felt his pulse thrumming a slow and steady beat, stronger now than it had been since his return.
"I need him to make it Rick."
Rick gently placed a kiss on the top of my head, a fatherly gesture that had been absent from my life for so long, offering me the comfort and reassurance that I so desperately needed now that my own father was no longer here to provide it.
"Don't make the mistake I did Beth, don't give up. He will find a way to reach you, he did it before and he will do it again."
There was nothing I could say, no words I could find to convey how I felt in that moment. My sadness and despair now mixed with the part of me that still dared to hope, dared to believe that even in the midst of all this darkness there was a possibility of light. And as I heard Rick slip quietly from the room, for the first time in a long time I dared to believe that love could some how prevail, even in this world.
The silence that followed made the wait for Daryl to regain consciousness even more torturous, my mind succumbing to the endless chatter as I replayed Rick's words over and over again in my head, trying desperately to make sense of it all.
Eventually unable to keep my thoughts at bay, I pulled my journal from my bag and poured my heart and soul out on to crumpled and battered the pages. I wrote of my grief at losing my daddy and of my fear of losing my new family. I wrote of my promise to stay strong for Daryl, the man I had fallen in love with, my words forming love letters to him that I would never send. I spoke of how I had fallen in love for the first time and of my hopes that one day he would find a way to feel the same way I did and of my fear that he may never feel for me as I did for him. I wrote of the pain of his rejection and of my doubts that he would ever look at me with the same adoration and respect that he did Carol and how I knew that if the day came when I knew his love for her outweighed his feelings for me I would let go of my hopes of being with him. I would shut away my destroyed heart if it meant him being happy, if it meant him finally finding the love he truly deserved.
Finally when I could write no more, I put my book and pen down and gently linked my fingers with Daryl's, his rough hands in stark but perfect contrast to mine. And as I lay my head down on the bed next to his resting body, my tiredness finally taking its hold, I whispered a prayer to God. In the quiet of the room, against the heat of a new Georgia day, I silently prayed for a miracle.
*Authors Note*
A 'Daryl' chapter is coming up next.
Thank you again for all of your support, and for taking the time to read and review xx