A/N. Thank you for your kind reviews, as always. I have been particularly delighted by your kindness as I was struggling a bit with Olivia and this was a total escape, I thought of it as a nothing filler really so I really appreciate your words

I started this chapter but found I couldn't finish it until I did the next one...

MrsChilton;I'm glad you felt it filled in a gap, glad i'm not the only one who missed them...

FicFriend;I'm glad the conversations between different characters feel different, I did try. I'm also glad that the effects are showing on every character...this is part of how it has effected Barba. I'm beyond glad you persevered to post your thoughts twice, I have take the deep compliment to heart...

Guest;Thank you. I'm glad you felt this was plausible...and that you could feel their common ground came through.

thelisa17; thanks so much. I'm glad it came across as a short but deep conversation...i like that you feel Fin has shown his big brother approval...

Somehow the gentle knock on the door is both anticipated and a complete shock, when it finally comes, as I look up to find Rollins standing in the doorway of my office.

I knew someone from the squad would be over, it was inevitable when they heard that Johnny D was claiming we had a vendetta against him, that Liv was out to get him. I thought it would be a rage filled Fin or Amaro, rushing into my office uninvited. I have been quietly dreading it for the last few hours, silently trying to plan my part in the expected sparring match. I never thought Amanda would be the one to come. As I have watched night fall slowly, over the city through my window, and heard the sounds of the building emptying, through my door, I had begun to hope that I would be spared the angry onslaught for today. Now I find myself confronted by Amanda, and I start to wish it were a seething Nick or Fin instead. An almost shouted, row is much easier than a quiet, disappointment filled, reasonable, conversation.

I think she has been very happy to keep me at arm's length since Patten. I can only assume that I remind her of her attempt to testify, or the trial, or just the whole, sorry, affair. I understand it. I don't blame her, I still sometimes, feel pangs of my own guilt when I look at her...so I am truly surprised now, that she has come to see me, alone, at night.

"Detective, come in...what can I do for you?", I try to sound relaxed, but the tiredness of earlier, has slowly morphed into a bone numbing weariness that has spread from my body into my mind as the day has progressed, making me sound as drained as I feel.

If it had been Fin or Amaro I would have been geared up for a fight but I feel less sure of myself with Rollins.

"Counselor, is it true?" she asks disbelievingly.

I nod bitterly, "Yes, he has submitted a motion for dismissal of all charges on the grounds that Liv's pursuit of Johnny D was 'motivated by her desire to deny his parental rights'. He's trying to say we have a vendetta against him...".

I fall back into my chair, shaking my head. My words still sounding unbelievable even to my own ears.

"He really is Noah's father? How did he even find out?"

Dammit! I knew it was a mistake when Liv told me she had decided to name Johnny D as Noah's birth father on the adoption papers. I allowed myself to be swayed by her agonized allusion to Lewis, when she pointed out "Lying doesn't work out well for me...". The reminder of her agony, enough to allow me to believe she has already had more than one person's share for a lifetime. I understood that she didn't want her life with Noah to be built on a lie, but I should have stopped her somehow.

She is too good, too fair, how could I not have done more to stop her, convinced her better...? How did I not see this coming?

How did I believe for even one second that Family Court and Johnny D were separate universes, and that he would never find out?

"Liv named him on Noah's adoption papers, she didn't want her life with Noah to be built on a lie..."

She shakes her head in disbelief, plopping into the chair in front of me with a big sigh at my soft, understated, words. My immense frustration hardly even hinted at in my tired, quiet, measured words.

"When did you find out...?" she questions open mouthed.

I glare at her, scowling, one eye-brow raised, in what I hope is a very clear 'leave that alone' gesture...

"Sorry, no, of course, stupid question I definitely didn't ask..."

She sits there deep in though for a few minutes.

"Can we do anything?" she asks softly.

"I'm doing everything I can, I've called in some favors..." I shrug helplessly.

She nods, "We know you'll do everything you can...If we can do anything?...".

I nod quickly. Her squad would do anything for her.

We sit silently trying to process this latest twist in Johnny D's quest to escape having to face justice for his horrible crimes.

I can't help remembering my fury when I heard that the whole squad had gone undercover, with the mother Martha, in tow, to try and find her missing daughter Ariel. How we argued our very different viewpoints, furious at the other's lack of ability to see sense. How my anger was forgotten as her perseverance resulted in Ariel and her mother being happily reunited, and three other innocent girls being freed from hell.

I can't help thinking about the statements I have committed to memory in advance of his trial, the horrors he forced upon so many women. How grateful I am that the team, have taken him off the streets.

All of a sudden she seems to realize where she is, and who she is talking to, and she seems to get nervous, fidgeting and twisting in her chair before getting to her feet, "I should let you get back to it, Counselor. Good night" she whispers, her face downcast, partly shrouded in blonde hair. She starts to walk towards my door, chewing her bottom lip anxiously.

"Amanda, wait..." I call to her, walking around my desk before she has a chance to leave. Her eyes flick up uncertainly in my direction as I move towards her. I quickly raise my hands and take a seat in the chair beside the one she has just vacated, gesturing again to it, "Please talk to me for a minute...".

Her anxiousness seems to step up a gear as she hesitantly retakes her seat.

Her body is tense and I can't help but wonder is she afraid of me.

"How are you Amanda?" I ask carefully, trying to make eye contact, to reassure her I won't hurt her.

She squirms a little in the seat, and I really start to worry that she is afraid I will hurt her.

"I'm sorry Amanda, I don't want to make you uncomfortable...we just never spoke about...I'm sorry, I wouldn't hurt you, please don't be afraid of me."

I can hear the shakiness in my own voice as she raises her head and makes direct eye contact with me.

"God, Barba, I'm not afraid of you. I would never think you would hurt me..." she spits out quickly, in her best 'don't be ridiculous' tone.

I know my face shows my confusion and slight irritation at her overly firm rejection of my fear.

She sighs deeply, her face crinkling in frustration.

"I'm embarrassed!" she announces calmly.

My face falls in absolute confusion now. This is not a scenario I had considered and my mind struggles to explain why she would be embarrassed.

She rolls her eyes, frustrated that I don't understand her.

"About Patten,...I never meant to tell you all that...it just sortta slipped out...You were so nice to me...You didn't push me or treat me differently...but I'm embarrassed...I didn't want you to see me like that..."

Her voice falters a little as she finishes...

"Rollins, you have nothing to be embarrassed about...nothing..."

I try to reassure her, slightly dumbstruck that she would feel embarrassed at all. Of all the emotions I envisaged her directing towards me, this is the one that had I thought of it would have sent a cold shiver down my spine as it is doing now... I'm worried that a part of her still blames herself...

She is biting the inside of her cheek, her eyes flicking between her feet and me.

I lean gently towards her, "Amanda..." I wait until she is looking me in the eye before continuing, "When you told me during prep, what happened with Patten, what he did to you...I was horrified by what you had to suffer...I was astounded by your strength, I don't know how you dealt with it on you own for all that time...I apologize for not speaking to you about it afterwards, but I didn't want to force you into an uncomfortable conversation,... I was worried I reminded you of what happened...and I knew you wouldn't want to be treated differently, I tried, maybe too hard, to treat you normally."

She is smiling at me timidly, "I can't tell you how much it meant to me that you didn't treat me differently..."

She pulls a leg under her, turning to me,

"I guess after a while went by, I knew you had told me your door was open for me and Liv had made it clear you would be happy if I took you up on it, but I didn't know how to start the conversation, so I started to slightly avoid you, and then too much time had passed and I was embarrassed...You saw me starting to lose it, when I was telling you about my assa...my rape, ...I laid all of this on you with no warning,...regardlesssly you offered to help me but I'm still too worried about what you must think of me...I'm a cop, who couldn't protect herself...I didn't even fight..."

Again I'm floored by her thinking I would judge her negatively, somehow, for her experience.

"Amanda, you did fight...but he was bigger and stronger, he used that...you survived...you did protect yourself, from the further harm he could have done you...I don't doubt your abilities or your judgment."

She nods and I can see she is mulling my words over but she has not quite gotten to the point where she can fully accept them.

"Amanda, I understand it's not easy to talk about it, and we haven't really talked a lot outside of work. I know I'm a bit hard to get to know... I just wanted you to know I'm here if I can do anything for you. Please don't feel embarrassed, I am sorry you had to go through that. I'm sorry I couldn't get your testimony admitted because you deserved to be heard."

This seems to resonate with her somehow, she nods again but there is more conviction in the gesture this time.

"How do you feel about the deal we made with him, Amanda?"

I want to know, I really do, but also the fear of her reaction lies heavy across my chest and I nearly stop breathing...

"In a lot of ways it was more than I expected...but I can't help the feeling he kindda got off a bit too lightly..." she sighs.

I nod in fervent agreement, "He should have been locked up for what he did to you, to Det. Taymore, but the evidence wasn't as strong as I would have liked and I couldn't make the case..." My failure is still a huge sore point for me.

"I'm glad he's not a cop anymore though, that he's on the register, he can't hurt anyone else...It helped to hear him admit he did something wrong..."

Her words are so soft now, I can barely hear her, but I can't stop a small smile as she says that his admission had the effect I had hoped it would.

"I know I'm lucky, I got a lot more justice than I ever thought I would...after all that time...when I never reported it...when I destroyed the evidence...I never thought anyone would ever care..."

I want to interject, to tell her how much her sergeant, her squad and I care but I can feel she needs to say this so I bite my tongue...

"I expected that when it all came out, after Reese,...I thought it would be like Atlanta...I'd be called a slut, be seen as less...but all I've felt is support, understanding...people have been upset for me..."

She stops, chewing the inside of her cheek, considering her next words...

"It almost makes it harder,...it makes what he did worse...when no one cared...it made it less...serious" she shrugs dismissive of her own words and the feelings they reflect.

I understand this statement. It's like somehow having people care makes all the times when no one cared even worse.

"It is hard to open up when you're used to taking care of yourself..." I finish for her.

She nods, thankful that I understand.

"The fear that you will open up, start to rely on other people...if they betray that trust, you wouldn't be able to cope...it'd be too much..." I continue gently.

I sound like the frightened niño from el barrio, and this admission terrifies me, but I know how vulnerable she must feel sitting in this office, my office, trying to be open. I know how much this could mean to her, this acknowledgment that I share her fears...

I see tears in her eyes as she looks at me.

She takes a deep breath, looking me in the eye as she says, "It is scary...but it's worth it..."

We both smile in reassured understanding.

After a few moments her voice brings me back to reality. "Johnny D is going to try and use Noah to somehow get out of this isn't he?"

He's going to try, but I'm going to fight him. I will not let Liv suffer anymore. I will not fail her again.

I nod.

"Counselor she has suffered so much, more than any one person can be expected to bear...Noah means more to her than anything...we cannot let him be taken from her."