A/N FicFriend; You will never know what those words meant to me. I'm sorry for reducing you to tears, but I am so grateful that you connected with it that much... I had been starting to panic that no reviews meant I'd gone too nuts...

Guest; There is no review more meaningful than I love this so much...thank you doesn't seem enough for your kindness.

MrsChilton; Thank you so much. I know, I love Barba so much, he says things on the show all the time that are almost insignificant but let us see how amazing he is. You really did make me laugh, especially cos I was so impressed with myself for accidentally writing a mini cliff hanger ending...it wasn't a cliff hanger, it was always gonna be Barba...

Please let me know what you think?

My neck muscles are tight, from the way my head tilted to the side, towards her, as I slept. My back has a kink in it that is going to take a week to work out. I have only slept lightly, dozing gently, never fully switching off...and yet I feel fantastic. I feel rested in a way that no amount of sleep alone could ever achieve.

My shoulders may be stiff from maintaining their overnight position but the horrible shocked stress from yesterday has eased immensely. Nick is going to be ok and she is lying safely in her bed, beside me.

I struggle not to stare at her, as she sleeps, curled into my arm, grasping my hand, lightly now, in her relaxed sleeping state.

I can't believe this has happened.

There have been no promises made or time lines discussed, but somehow, without meaning to, we have both made our intentions clear.

A smile tugs at my lips, as I consider that I may actually have a chance with her.

It is so much more than I had ever let myself believe, even in my less lucid moments.

Last night when we talked, she trusted me enough to really talk to me. I cannot describe how honored I feel, when she shares her feelings with me. I know she isn't someone that naturally wants to describe her flashback, so when she is willing to explain it to me I understand this is a huge privilege, she is taking me deeply into her confidence.

I hate that she still can feel what it was like to be restrained to a table like that... To know what the monster who did it is capable of...but yet to be willing to offer yourself up to him, to protect a child...

She is incredible.

I try to imagine what she felt last night, when she was back in that moment, she had to have been terrified,...

A cold shiver runs down my spine as I consider it, but I know I can't understand.

Simply by my gender our experiences are disparate. I know that women grow up with an added level of caution, because it is needed. That whilst rape and sexual assault are crimes also perpetrated against men and boys, we don't grow up with that same ever-present danger lurking over us in the same way. As men we have the freedom to live our lives more obliviously.

Women are trained from childhood to be aware of their surroundings, to avoid dark or desolate places, to not leave their drink unattended in public, to lock car doors when driving alone, to be aware of the men in their lives, whether it's a date or a friend, they learn early to listen to their instincts, to stay in public places, to not allow themselves to accidentally be separated from a crowd, to be alert to 'warnings'...

Men don't think to walk to their car at night, with their keys grasped in their hand, ready to access their car, or to be used as a weapon if necessary. We know that we should be careful that our drink isn't tampered with in a bar or club, but we wouldn't think to watch the bartender in the same way. Our perceived level of danger in most of these every day situations is just completely different.

She has experienced sexual assault at the hands of an authority figure, a prison guard who should have protected her, she has experienced horrific assaults on every level from Lewis, so I cannot begin to imagine, the knowing, terror that she must have felt...

It makes me physically sick to imagine her reliving this memory.

I don't want to be able to see this...To picture her terror. ...To imagine her face as he pressed himself up against her... To see his hands on her...

I want it to have not happened. I want to have stopped it.

But it did happen and I couldn't stop it.

If she had to go through all that, and she has to live with the memories, I want her to be able to share her pain with me. I want to understand as much as I possibly can. I need to able to try and comfort her when she is upset or scared. I need to be there even when she doesn't want me to see her suffering.

I want to be a part of everything that is part of her.

Because I understand some of what she has been through I know what it means when she tells me she trusts me.

When she pulls me to her bed and relaxes her body into mine as she did, not only am I basking in the physical sensations of holding her so close to me, or the knowledge that she wants to be close to me, but also the understanding that while she is not ready for anymore, this is a huge leap of trust for her, that this is not just a little, fully clothed, cuddle.

I can't avoid wondering about her and Cassidy. It feels wrong to be thinking about it but I can't avoid the thoughts. I wonder what she told him about what happened...I can't imagine how the conversation would have gone... As much as I never liked him, I feel real sympathy for the man. I saw his agony when she was missing. I hate to imagine what effect this all must have had on him too.

I realize now, how easy, in comparison, things are for me. Time has, undoubtedly, reduced the rawness for her. She has learned coping mechanisms for her symptoms of PTSD. She has had time to work through some of her fears. And we are only finding each other. There are no expectations, no painful comparisons of behavior before and after. No huge changes in what is ok, no concern about what nakedness or physical contact is ok NOW...

I think about how hard it would have been for him to separate his desires from what she was subjected to. I know how I dream of touching her, getting to know her body, making love to her, but how I worry that a certain touch or action will bring her back to Lewis' attacks. Or how I feel guilty for even thinking about doing something she currently doesn't want. How did he cope?

I feel bad wondering did they manage to have any physical relationship at all after Lewis? My nerves start to kick in when I consider, if I would be her first after... The responsibility is awesome. What if I do something wrong?

It feels hugely premature, but I start to consider this possibility.

I would have to be very slow, very gentle. I would have to be careful that she doesn't feel trapped, very conscious of our positions, I would have to be very controlled. I couldn't just let go and see what happened. I would have to be very alert to her reactions, and allow her to control or dictate a lot of what would happen.

I can't control the thoughts buzzing through my head; if she looks triggered, should I stop and move away, or do I just ask her is she ok? She hates that question though.

I start to panic slightly, as I worry myself with possible reactions, triggers and how I should handle them. As her head nuzzles my arm gently in her sleep, I am pulled back to reality. I am projecting way too far into the future trying to preempt impossibly.

It doesn't matter.

None of it matters. All that matters is her.

My smile slips back onto my face as I recognize my old fears were pushing themselves to the fore again. How opening up to someone without a clear plan of the interaction, is one of my oldest dreads, because that is how you get hurt.

I understand, with this silent agreement that we are open to see what is between us, I am taking a giant leap into the unknown.

We may find that our initial attraction fizzles out, or we are not compatible...my mind races with all the possible negative outcomes, that would hurt me in a way I've never been hurt before, but the risk is still worth it.

If we ever embark on a physical relationship, I just know in my heart, we could deal with whatever might happen. I would never hurt her, once she knows that, and trusts me, none of the rest matters.

I know I should consider the professional complications too but with uncharacteristic wild abandon, I disregard them entirely.

As I look at this woman sleeping beside me, I just want to continue as we have been. For once, not concerning myself overly, with destinations and goals, happy instead to just enjoy the experiences of the journey.

I frown softly, wondering who I have become? This is not hard-assed Rafael Barba, the cocky, arrogant, selfish man, who happily keeps his eyes firmly, only, on his lofty ambitions.

My train of thought falls forgotten to the side as I see a pair of perfect brown orbs staring up at me.

"Good morning?" I ask tentatively, suddenly worried she will be scared at my presence or regretting her actions last night. She was in shock. Maybe none of it was real...

"You stayed..." she confirms softly, blinking sleep from her eyes.

"You must have been so uncomfortable there, did you get any sleep?" she queries, slowly sitting up, gently running her hands through her sleep mussed hair.

She chews her lip thoughtfully, as if debating whether her next words should be uttered at all...

"Last night..." she starts confidently but immediately falters, her hand reaches up and strokes my stubbled cheek, "I heard you...as I went back to sleep..." She drops her head slightly as she bites her bottom lip, her eyes peeking up at me.

I instantly understand her hesitant voice, and her braced body, like me she is worried that it wasn't real. Warm relief floods through me and I lean forward, gently puling her towards me. I softly press my lips to hers, my hands finding their way to either side of her face. I feel her return the delicate kiss.

I pull my head back a little and look deeply into those beautiful brown eyes. "Liv, I want nothing more than to fall asleep with you in my arms...but I wouldn't be able to control my body's reaction to you, no amount of self control could prevent my body from making its feelings clear, and I refuse to risk scaring you."
I can see her getting ready to assure me that I don't scare her but I gently shake my head, "I know you trust me and you aren't afraid of me, but while you sleep, you wouldn't be fully in control, my presence could be enough to cause you distress..."

Tears start to gather in her eyes, and I worry I've said something wrong. She gently rests her forehead against mine, her hand taking mine. "Rafael..." she whispers, as the tears slowly creep down her cheeks.

"Tell me, Cariño?" I plead tenderly.

"You should be irritated that you barely slept last night, in an uncomfortable chair. You should be frustrated that I pulled you into my bed, wrapping my body around you, but with no further intention...We are not young teenagers, you shouldn't have to worry about a normal physical reaction. I don't want to damage you too..."

"Oh Liv, you aren't damaged. You were hurt...unimaginably...you are healing. I'm not irritated in the slightest...I feel incredibly lucky...I got to fall asleep and wake up beside you..."

I know she is listening carefully, I can see I have her undivided attention. I gently press my lips to hers again.

"I know I don't know everything you have been through, but I know enough to understand how waking up to find a momentarily, unidentified, man's excitement pressed up against you would scare you...I won't be responsible for anymore heartache for you."

Her face creases momentarily as my words sink in.

"I hate that I'm like this..." she nods as she acknowledges the truth in my statement.

"No please, Liv, don't say that. I'm constantly astounded by how amazingly strong you have been, how unbelievably well you have healed..."

"Rafael, I'm so broken, I don't want to break you too..."

This is the second time she has said something about breaking or damaging someone, I search my brain trying to understand the allusion...
Who could she be worried she broke? And then I understand, Cassidy...the man who I felt sympathy for...

"Liv, are you talking about Cassidy?"

The tears flowing down her face speed up, in answer to my question.

"Why do you say you broke Cassidy?"

She sniffs softly, seemingly unsure whether this is a discussion she should be having with me...

"Did you ever talk to him about this?" I decide to slightly change tack, when I see her hesitance.

"Not really..." she admits. "It's hard to talk about..."

I nod, "But you know you can talk to me about anything, Liv..."

She takes a deep breath, "We never...after Lewis, I couldn't...We tried to..."

I take her hands in mine, gently nodding my understanding as she struggles to find the words to explain.

She sighs, her relief at not having to say those words clear...

"He was so patient, so thoughtful...he never pressured me, or made me feel bad...but what you were afraid of happening last night...things like that happened...it hurt him terribly, I think he felt guilty...if we tried anything, he was hesitant, unsure...he was like a different man..."

I feel a lump suddenly blocking my throat. My imagined scenarios of earlier, are confirmed and my heart breaks for her, my dislike for him melting as I realize how hard it has to have been.

"Liv, I had wondered..." I decide her heartfelt honesty deserves the same from me, "I don't think anyone would have expected anything else after all that you went through...I never really knew him very well but I saw his despair while you were missing, he really cared for you...I can only imagine that like I felt after Rollins' disclosed what Patten did to her, he felt that hatred that he shared that same body part. I'm sure he just didn't want to hurt you, you have been already hurt more than one person should ever be. But I can understand that it wasn't how things had been, and you wanted something to have not changed completely..."

She nods to confirm my supposition.

"You didn't damage or break him... He was affected by Lewis' actions as well... He too will heal. "

"What if I can't...ever...?"she breathes faintly.

"Oh Liv. I don't care if the most I ever get to do is kiss you... but look at all the amazing things you have managed to achieve, nobody with any sense would bet against you. It's been barely a year since..."

For a second I don't know how to finish this sentence. It would be insulting to downplay her experiences with a 'that', and his name doesn't deserve to be said. I don't want to use the cold, clinical work terms that roll off our tongues with such ease when we discuss other people; I don't want to distance us from the reality but also don't want to remind her too harshly of what happened. I don't know what to say, so I take a risk...

"Liv, I want to be here for you. I felt so honored last night, when you trusted me, to tell me about your flashback. I will not put any pressure on you, I'm truly enjoying what we have..." I punctuate this with another soft kiss, "My feelings are not platonic, but I am in no rush...and if you decide, later, that you don't feel the same way, I would still want to be your friend. I can't imagine not having you in my life... I want you to be able to talk to me when you're having a bad day, when a smell brings you back..."

I can't help remembering what Fin said about the sound of the waves, on the beach while they were searching for Nadia...

"...when standing on a beach reminds you horribly of the beach house...we need to be able to talk about these thing. What words make you uncomfortable? How do we describe what happened? I don't want these conversations to sound like we are discussing work...finish my sentence for me... It's been barely a year since...?"

She looks at me, her face clearly showing her shock..."How did you know when we were searching for Nadia, ...the beach...?

"Fin figured it out..."

She nods, "He doesn't miss much..."

"Liv, finish my sentence for me... It's been barely a year since...?" I reiterate my question softly.

"I don't know, sometimes I try to think about what to call it...nothing seems to fit...quite often I just say 'Lewis', it's the only thing that describes all of it..."

"Does hearing his name upset you?"

"Sometimes...it depends...it seems childish to say 'Him', but yet it is easier...I'm sorry, I know it doesn't help, I can't give you a word..."

"No Liv, don't apologize, I understand. No!...you know what, I don't! I can't possibly understand! I haven't had to live it, but I'm trying,... I can see how you would not always want to hear his name...I think that 'Him' is a really good way to encompass all that he forced upon you. We need to be able to talk, I want to hear what you feel, what scares you..."

She is clearly deep in reflection, I choose to stay silent, allowing her to organize her thoughts into some semblance of order, so that she can find whatever it is she wants to say. I stand slowly from that chair, moving onto the bed beside her, wrapping my arms around her as she looks at me, and I know she is in the present moment.

"You know the worst thing...the worst bit of all of it...?"

I know she can feel me tense, I can't help it. I'm terrified of what she is about to say...

"Tell me, Cariño?" my voice is husky, but I won't hide my fear, we need to be honest.

"He knew what he was doing..."

Her simple words, cause my fear to spike even further,...

"When he was taking me from the car to Amelia...in the granary...he knew when he touched me, I was having a flashback, he told me PTSD was real...he knew that I woke up in my own bed, covered in a cold sweat, thinking he was in the room with a gun to my head...how it is nothing to be ashamed of... how all 'his girls' go through it...how he was 'an agent of change'...how he altered the trajectory of people's lives...they might have hopes and dreams before they run into him but then life as they know it is gone, ...how getting out of a car, opening a door, or hearing a sound makes me think of him... I tried to deny it, it told him he was wrong. I denied that I have dreams about him... He knew that I had nobody in my life, that Brian had to be gone...he asked did I find it hard to trust after what we went through, that there's a tendency to isolate, to withdraw,... how he hoped I was seeing a therapist,...he asked me to promise I would...he told me how the therapist probably sat there with me, telling me I'm working through it, how I can be whole again, but he's lying...what he does, nobody ever recovers from..."

I had steeled myself for her revelation. I had prepared myself to hear that he had in fact raped her, early on in her first kidnapping and she had somehow, managed to conceal it from the rape kit. I was ready to hear horrible details of some previously undisclosed sexual assault. I waited to hear how he had forced her body to react to him, to betray her. I had never anticipated this...

I can barely command my body to suck in oxygen as I struggle to understand this vile admission.

She is unmoving in my arms. Not relaxed, almost limp.

I tighten my grip on her, anxious to communicate my unwavering support for her, as I battle to absorb her words.

"Oh Liv..." I know she can hear my tears in my voice.

"I had steeled myself for whatever you were going to say...I couldn't have anticipated that...that's too horrific...what kind of psychopath uses the effects of his previous torture to torture you a second time..."

I shake my head repeatedly, disbelieving at the depths of his depravity and also trying to shake loose the images his words have painted.

"I underestimated him. I somehow didn't realize he was this bad. I knew you felt he shot himself as a final way to torture you...I knew he wanted you to be blamed for shooting him but I thought he was just desperate to escape his inevitable lifetime incarceration...I couldn't understand how he would be willing to sacrifice his life to complete his mission to torture you...I was wrong, you were perfectly right..."

She nods tightly. Her eyes closed against the deluge of tears.

"Liv, he was right, you do have dreams, you do wake up to feel he's in the room, but he was also very wrong, you are recovering..."

I hope she can hear the truth in my words. I am, again, astonished by the agonizing depth of what she has had to experience at the hands of that monster. I find myself wanting to dig him up from his anonymous grave, to kill him again, such is my anger at his unbelievable cruelty.

"Liv, you are recovering...even when it doesn't feel like it, you are...you have been promoted at work, you have Noah now..."

She shifts slightly in my arms, turning to face me.

"And you?..." she queries almost silently.

Despite my lingering rage at 'Him' and my agony for her, I can't stop the big smile that pulls at my face. "You probably couldn't get rid of me if you tried..."

Her lips turn up into a broad smile, but her eyes still show her tumultuous emotions as she leans in and kisses me again, her tongue slowly tracing the line between my lips, quickly snaking into my mouth, flicking my tongue as I groan lightly at the sensations. We kiss until the need for oxygen tears us apart. Again she gently rests her forehead against mine.

She pulls back her head and I see her face and neck are slightly flushed.

"Maybe I'm not quite as broken as I feared I was..." she mutters almost embarrassed.

"Are you sure?" I answer. She looks at me slightly confused, until she sees my trademark smirk, "I mean if you were to want to try that again at some point,...just to make sure...?"

She laughs softly as a little voice calls from the other room, "Mama!"

She smiles adoringly at the sound of Noah's voice, as she starts towards him, turning at the door, "Maybe just making out like a couple of teenagers doesn't sound too bad after all..." she grins.