A/N Thelisa17; I've had very few reviews and readers so every word you have taken the time to write to me has meant so much. Thank you for all your help.

MrsChilton; You have been a very consistent and kind reviewer, thank you. I love Barba and I do agree it probably is really Raul that I love. He is incredible.

So I've been thinking, I reckon there's probably only one more chapter left. I could go on forever about the effects of Patten's assault on Amanda, on her and the people around her, who care for her. Or the ongoing effects of what Olivia has been through at the hands of Lewis or Harris. The effects of such actions are long lasting but without the framework of the show I think it would too hard and you're probably all bored by now.

It does get better. You can move on. There are good days and bad days, but with time, you can get past it. It never goes away but it does fade and to quote Mariska;

"You've got to go through the fire to get to the other side. You do get to the other side, but you've got to go through the fire. Life is hard. Nobody said it was easy, but you come out and you come out differently...You've got to walk through the fire and trust yourself and you get out on the other side."

How can it be, that only a few short months have gone by?

It feels like a lifetime.

So much has happened.

As yet another page flips over on the calendar, one small page doesn't seem enough to mark the passing of another whole month, and I can't help but reflect on how much change the last few months have brought.

When I think back to the start of the year a queasy feeling rumbles idly, in my stomach, immediately reminding me of my unveiled secrets.

I don't think I will ever forget sitting on the stand trying not to look at Barba, as I whispered words I never envisaged saying about myself, struggling to keep my tears at bay. I still curse myself for being too weak to keep it to myself anymore, but then I realize that by letting those words fall from my lips I have freed myself.

Not from the inexplicable shame, not from the stinging feeling that I am forever contaminated by the stains of his actions, or the worry that I am damaged beyond repair. Those feelings still haunt me, but maybe less keenly than they did. But I am freed from the crushing secret, from the worry that my current colleagues would betray my trust, by somehow morphing into a New York version of my disbelieving, slut shaming, Atlanta peers.

I still can't quite believe how all the earth shattering consequences of my closely guarded secret being revealed, that I was so positive would begin the instant I let it slip, have still not materialized.

I always knew that Liv would be disgusted by my stupidity. That the further evidence of my lack of judgment, my bad character, would lead to me being transferred out of SVU. How could it not? She had warned me, after Lt. Murphy had given me a second chance, that she didn't trust me and that I had no more chances left. But instead of my expected tongue-lashing and transfer, she was supportive, unbelievably kind. The incident I believed would end my career, has brought me closer to my squad and finally made a friend of the woman I have so long admired.

Even the cold, prickly, arrogant ADA I had no desire to get to know has been considerate, warm and gentle.

I have felt no judgment, no disappointment, no disgust...

The pity I dreaded, that I knew would make me weak, powerless even, has shown itself instead, to be sympathy, at my horrible experience.

I find myself wondering are pity and sympathy actually just the same emotion, their differences merely a matter of how they are perceived by their subject?

I felt that my colleagues pitied me; that they were judging my stupidity, and being kind in 'allowing' that my bad judgment had led to a painful and hard lesson. It took time and repeated assurances from many people before I could begin to understand that, in fact, what they were feeling for me was sympathy; that I had been so horribly betrayed by my superior officer.

I know that is progress. I know that I have made more inroads into healing in the last few months than I did in the previous five years, but it still feels like I'm failing miserably. As if the filth that enveloped my body, as I lay trapped under him, in that bed, still mars my skin all these years later.

It all just feels so fresh...

Like the intervening five years have just melted away.

I feel like such a fraud, I've spent years telling women in positions similar to the one I am grappling with now, that it is hard, but you can get past it, you survived, you did nothing wrong, but I don't know that I believe you really can get over it.

I am doing better, I know that, but as I start to heal, I'm realizing how much effect what happened has had on my life. I thought that when I was able to have sex again, it meant I had put what happened behind me. I believed that when I could enjoy the physical sensations again, it meant I had dealt with it all. I definitely enjoyed sleeping with Nick, never once did my mind conjure up memories of Patten when were together, but did the absence of flashbacks to that night, mean he really exerted no influence on my short-lived fling?

I can barely even admit in my own mind, that as I lay on my couch with Nick, in the hours after we found the body of our Chicago colleague, Nadia, I was scared that we might find ourselves, inadvertently, falling back into each others arms, as we had before, when things got too hard to bear.

I lay in his muscled arms, dozing lightly, feeling comforted, reassured, safe, but also feeling a familiar warmth, a desire. I could think back and remember my body moving against his, twisting in pleasure. I remembered how easily I found escape from my thoughts in his skilled sensuality. I wanted to feel his skin against mine. I wanted, again, to feel his hands, his lips, his tongue on me. I wanted to feel his length deliciously stretching me, as pulses of bliss swept me to a frenzied release.

But it wasn't that simple, I didn't want to equate my body pleasurably stretching to accommodate him, with the tearing pain of my body trying to refuse Patten's invasion. This thought terrified and upset me. I was appalled at my inability to distinguish between the two polar opposite actions. How could I contemplate pleasure when I was worried I would instead feel fear? Nadia's death had left me feeling even more raw, than my own recent disclosure.

I don't quite know how to categorize my relationship with Nick. We were more than friends for a while, maybe friends with benefits, but I secretly always hoped that maybe the damage I did in a drunken haze, was not un-fixable. That someday, maybe we could see where things were heading before I sabotaged it.

He is something I never expected I would find; a good man. I had almost accepted that I didn't deserve all the things that Nick made me feel; adored, desired, protected, secure...I didn't doubt him and by default I didn't doubt myself as much...

As I lay in his embrace, again, I was worried that the timing would be all wrong were we to fall back into each other's arms then. I knew that he wouldn't make any move without my express permission, I was completely safe and at ease in his presence, but I did breathe a sigh of relief when we just slept, comforted and protected from the agony of the day in each other's arms.

I always knew we would only have one more chance and I didn't want to squander it, whether it was to be friends or more...

I somehow never saw this in our future.

I can't believe the words I have just heard him say.

"Amanda, please...stop tidying, the calendar is fine, sit down and talk to me..."

I force myself to sit back down onto the couch beside him. I know the 'old me' would just keep tidying, anything to avoid the conversation but I was afraid to leave anything unsaid. I came too close to losing him, nobody knows what future awaits them.

"Did you hear what I said? Amanda, I have made too many mistakes...I don't have a career here anymore...in a lot of ways this is the best thing that could have happened..."

He gestures to his knee, shrugging.

"Nick, I understand...I do..."

Unfortunately my mouth is not cooperating with my brain. My brain is screaming 'no, you can't go...' but my mouth is telling him I understand.

"Amanda..." he gently takes my hands in his, "I'm so glad that we've talked so much in the last while, I'd missed that, I'd missed you...I understand so much more now. I can't imagine how you got through five years of that secret,... how badly Lewis affected you,... how hard Nadia's death was for you, ...how you thought I was going to die...I heard some of the things you said in the hospital when you thought I was out cold...please, talk to me..."

"I don't know how I feel Nick...except that you are my friend, I want you to be happy...I know how much your kids mean to you...I completely understand that you haven't got a future in the NYPD...I just don't want to lose you."

He nods his agreement at not wanting to lose our friendship. I chew on my lip and continue.

"I don't know if we ever were meant to be more than friends, Nick...I don't know if maybe we could have made it work...I know I screwed it all up either way...but you're the one who has been there for me, when I didn't want to talk about Patten, but felt like I was going to explode from trying to keep the words in...you held me even when I pushed you away...you listened to all the sick details and somehow made me feel better...if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be seeing a therapist..."

"No Amanda, you did all that...you are so strong...you are the one who has worked so hard...and I will always be here for you..."

"No Nick you won't... you won't be here...you'll be all the way across the country...we'll talk, maybe, and even possibly, sometimes, visit, but it won't ever be the same..."

He shakes his head slowly "No, it won't be the same...It feels like we never really got a chance doesn't it? Like if things had gone differently, we might have gotten the chance to find out whether we would have worked out?"

I can only nod in answer.

"You know you helped me to open up...if you hadn't been in my life, I wouldn't be where I am now...you showed me that maybe I'm worth more than I'd always thought...If it wasn't for you, I don't think I would have learned how to trust...and I'm so scared that when you leave I'll never trust anyone again..."

He pulls me to him, into his arms, both of us careful of his healing leg.

"Amanda, if it wasn't for you, I'd be in prison...you have probably given me more than I ever gave you..."

That starts the tears I've been battling against.

"See that's what I mean...I feel like all I've done is take from you, and in one sentence I feel better about myself..."

"Please don't ever think badly about yourself Amanda. I just wish you could see yourself even a little bit as I see you..."

"Maybe, because of you, I'm starting to...old Amanda wouldn't have been happy to just lie in your arms after Nadia, she would have felt she had to pay you with sex..."

He chuckles lightly at this and I look at him, with a raised eyebrow, "I did wonder was I the only one who was thinking inappropriate thoughts..."

I settle back comfortably into his arms at this acknowledgment..."God no, I could almost feel what could have happened...but the timing was bad, we were too upset...and for the first time I was worried I wouldn't be able to separate it and Patten..."

"Our timing has always been bad really hasn't it?...What do you mean you were worried you wouldn't be able to separate it and Patten...?"

I start to wish I'd said nothing...

"After Patten...after the first time, I didn't really have a problem with sex...it somehow didn't remind me or cause flashbacks or anything..."

"But something has changed...?" he asks softly.

I not my head slightly, I don't understand it, surely if I were going to have problems with it, it would have been immediately after...

"Since Reese...I haven't...I mean it isn't that I couldn't...I just haven't...I guess I'm just worried..."

"That sounds pretty reasonable Amanda. C'mon, it's only been a few short months..."

His words unconsciously echo my rambling thoughts, as he told me he was moving to California. But so much has changed in those few short months, my secret has been revealed to the world, Patten has seen some sort of punishment, I've found a second family, one who wants me...

I realize that families grow and change, that Nick has helped me grow, and maybe I have even helped him, in some ways. Families are still family, despite distance, despite arguments, despite people coming and going... I can't help but think Munch and Cragen are no less part of our family despite their retirement. Just members of the family we don't see as often.

"Speaking of time passing, you know we are going to be late, Liv will wonder what has happened to us..."

"Just blame the cripple, nobody can say anything to that..." he grins at me, challenging me to contradict him.

"Munch would definitely have said plenty..." I counter, smirking at him, confident in my win.

"Yeah and Fin still might...let's get going...but Amanda, really, things will change and you're right I won't be here..." he gestures around his apartment and to the window, at the Manhattan skyline nestled between its frame, "but I am always here for you, at any time, and California is only a plane ride away, I moving on, not leaving..."

"You'd better not be leaving me, I don't know if I can do it without you...and besides if Fin isn't going to be our new Sergeant and its not going to be you, then who the hell is it going to be?"

As he starts to hobble up and gathers the crutches under his arms, he flashes his best smile at me, "Well you know Amanda, maybe you could have a say in that..."

I look at him in confusion, unsure as to how I could possibly have any input into such a decision.

"I know you said you don't want to think about taking the exam now, that you are happy as a detective, but maybe in the future...you'd be great. Don't sell yourself short...maybe think about it, whether it's now or in the future..."

I stop dead in my tracks. Shocked that he could even imagine it.

As I open the door for him, he leans in to me "Anytime you're missing me just remind yourself that if you could see yourself as I can, you'd be able to see that you can do anything...let yourself be happy Amanda, you deserve to be happy!"