A/N Thank you so much for sticking with me through to the end. It seems odd to say but I'm really going to miss these characters, well the version of them that has inhabited my thoughts for the last 7 weeks or so. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, followed, favorited or just read.

Guest; Thank you so much. I understand not reviewing, I do it myself, I was a little discouraged but reviews like this completely make up for it.

mom2knjj; Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

MrsChilton; I really appreciate all your kind words over the course of the story, they have meant so much. I have really enjoyed writing this, as I think I have said before I have not written anything since school, but would love to write some more.

Guest; Thank you so much, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. No I haven't written anything since school, so this is very much my first effort.

I would love to write more but I don't know if I have another story...this one has been so much more than just a story for me. I wrote this because I needed someone to fill in the gaps for me. Let me know if you have any ideas you could maybe see me writing? There is always the slight possibility that I could come back to this when SVU restarts in the fall, if there is any interest...

I'm reminded as I walk through the door of Liv's apartment how bittersweet this celebration is. Noah is hers, finally. He can never be taken from her. She has gotten the family she has always wanted,... but he won't be here anymore. I can't help my gaze finding it's way to him, as he hobbles in behind me, balanced precariously on his crutches. It's as if my mind is trying to stock up on images of him, in advance of his departure, in the vain hope that a full mental library can somehow, cushion the blow of his absence. I know he plans on telling her today and I know how upset she will be, that her family is growing and losing someone at the same time...

As we pass her the fragrant flowers we bought her, and the brightly colored, wrapped, gift for Noah, I am flooded with the sense of welcoming inclusion I feel at this intimate gathering. Last year I didn't want to attend a dinner party in her apartment because I didn't feel I belonged, but now I feel very much part of this group.

The sun shines brightly into the warm apartment, where my squad, my family, is celebrating our newest addition. We are all dressed casually, our usually stressed, tired, visages are nowhere in evidence, as we all happily chat over the gleefully, oblivious Noah.

I watch Nick steal a quiet moment, in the bustling apartment, with his partner, as she plates up deliciously decorated cupcakes. I know this is when she will hear he is leaving. I try to watch them discretely, ready to jump in if either or them look to need it.

I watch her face start to fall, as she begins to understand what he is telling her. As I distractedly play with Noah on the floor, I see tears start to gather in her eyes as they talk quietly.

I try to pull my eyes back to Carisi, as he calls my name, trying to get me to confirm that Fin is telling him the truth and not just winding him up, on whatever story he is telling him. I haven't heard what they were saying so I just shrug non-committedly.

"Nah, man, I'm not buying it...Munch really got shot in the butt?..."

I try to crack my face into a small smile at Carisi's disbelief, but the forced movement more resembles a grimace.

I'm trying desperately to control my emotions, my eyes raking the room searching for something to distract me from the pain of the further understanding that it is real, Nick is leaving.

I find that distraction in the most unexpected place. Barba is also quietly, stealthily watching Nick and Liv's exchange.

As I see her struggle to smile through glistening tears, I watch Barba's face furrow as he frowns into his drink.

I watch as Liv and Nick seem to share some deep understanding, Liv's eyes flicking briefly to Noah before they return to look at each other, struggling to keep tears at bay.

When I look back to Barba, I see that he is battling the urge to intervene to see why Liv looks upset. I can see, in his glowering features, how protective he is of her, how much her happiness matters to him, and how he is debating what punishment would be appropriate for Nick at ruining her joy, however fleetingly.

As Liv reaches out and wraps her arms around Nick, he simultaneously scowls deeper, in concern at what they are discussing and relaxes faintly, as he understands that she is not being hurt.

I can see how hard Nick is battling to keep his tears at bay as he returns Liv's hug, eventually having to break the embrace before it becomes too much for him.

The partners nod deeply at each other, as Liv returns to the cupcakes, and Nick, smilingly, at her gentle urging, finds a seat before he trips someone up.

I drop my head down to Noah, suddenly very interested in the colored blocks he is playing with, until I know I have my feelings under control and my tears are not going to make an unexpected break for it. It's amazing how every small thing now feels like an ending.

As my eyes unthinkingly scan around the room, I notice that Barba's gaze is still trained intently on Liv and I wonder, not for the first time, if their ever-growing friendship isn't more?

His eyes don't leave her, until her brown orbs meet his and she silently confirms she is ok. The tender gesture from this man still manages to surprise me, despite how much of his hidden depth I have been fortunate enough to see in recent months.

The tears I have been fighting back, again, seem imminent, as I realize that she really has got a family now. I'm somehow shocked at this development as I hurriedly excuse myself to the restroom.

I'm so happy for her, it feels that in her advances forward, my hope for myself is somehow reinvigorated too.

Wow though, Liv and Barba...

As I consider how thoughtful and gentle he has been with me in recent months, I find this unlikely pairing suddenly less unlikely. He has been there, through so much for her in the past couple of years...

I think back to when we found Nadia's body, his timely arrival in the precinct, his assurance that he would take her home...somehow I feel a bit dim for not seeing it then.

I calm myself and make sure the threat of tears has passed before I return to the party.

I find my way into the kitchen as I see Liv in there alone, taking the opportunity to check in to see how she is taking the news...

"Congratulations again Liv. I'm so happy for you..."

"Thanks Amanda. I still can't quite believe he's mine..." she looks adoringly at the little boy sitting happily playing beside Barba. As I realize that Noah is wearing a little playsuit with shoulder straps I can't help but consider how close to suspenders they look to be, as the usual suspender wearer, smilingly holds out cake to a giggling Noah. I can't help but wonder is she only looking at Noah as she says these words.

"How are you taking the news Amanda?" she asks softly, the smile falling from her face.

I look at her in surprise. I know Nick wasn't going to tell her he had told anyone, even as he is leaving, we still want to protect our secret.

She grins knowingly at me, "Oh Amanda, you can't honestly have thought you kept it a secret?"

I still haven't figured out how to handle this so I just shrug at her, attempting, futilely, to communicate that I don't know what she is talking about.

"We spend too much time together for that kind of secret, Amanda... Really though, are you ok?"

I shrug again, this one an honest 'I don't know'. "It was only a short thing, Liv, we've been over a long time..."

"But Amanda, I know you both, it may not have been long, but it wasn't a casual, uncaring, thing. You've been through so much over the last while and I know he was there for you, in whatever capacity. It has to be hard for you to have him leave. I know it is for me."

Again her honesty disarms me. "It feels strange to think that he won't be here. He's made it very clear that he'll always be there for me but..."

"It won't be the same..." she finishes for me, nodding softly.

"He didn't think he was as important to me as my old partner...but he was somehow more...he has always supported me, even in the first days back after Lewis, he didn't treat me..." she scrunches her face up as she struggles to find the right word and hold her tears back.

"...different..." I finish for her.

She nods gratefully at me, throwing her glance back to Noah where he stands against Barba. He quickly tries to hide that he was watching us as intently as he had watched her talk with Nick, undoubtedly aware that something is going on.

I look at her, grinning gently, my eyes flick theatrically to Barba and back, "We do spend too much time together for that kind of secret..." I deliberately, teasingly, throw her own words back at her.

Her face flushes quickly, "No, we're not...I mean, we aren't..."

I feel bad for embarrassing her, and making her feel the need to defend or explain herself. "I'm sorry Liv. I didn't mean to..."

She sighs deeply, holding up a hand to stop me, "Dammit, I'll have to watch you more carefully, I was worried about Fin figuring something out..."

I raise an eyebrow at her, "I'm pretty sure if I've gotten there he figured it out long ago..."

"Yeah I know, he just sometimes sees too goddamned much!" she moans chuckling.

"There's really nothing to notice though Amanda..."

Again I raise my eyebrow at her, this time I see how she bites her lip and can't make eye contact with me. I immediately worry, "Liv, is everything ok?"

She nods softly and when she looks up to me again I know she is trusting me with a deep truth, "There really is nothing...I think maybe there could possibly be...at some point...but..."

I want to ask her what's wrong, has he done something? But I can see how hard this is for her, and I'm afraid that by jumping to conclusions I could make it even harder. "It's ok Liv, you don't have to tell me, it's none of my business! I shouldn't have said anything..."

"No Amanda, it's ok. I was butting into your business, turnabout is only fair...and maybe you are the only one who might really understand..." She takes a deep breath. "He has been amazing to me, he has been there for me for so long I can't even figure out when he started to support me. I think, maybe, things have been changing between us for a while..." She looks over to him thoughtfully for a moment. "I'm not ready for anything...I feel bad, stringing him along...but I just..."

I bite my lip for a second, nodding, "It's not easy..." I agree.

We both understand fully what we are talking about. It's not just sex. It's all the small, seemingly insignificant things that now seem so daunting for us. It's knowing what we need to share, and when. It's somehow training ourselves to know that a body in our bed when we're only partly awake is not a threat. It's allowing ourselves to relax in intimate situations, to not be afraid of hurting a partner by stopping things because it just doesn't feel right. It's knowing that it is very reasonable to say that today, being naked feels too vulnerable. It's all of those little things that in our lives before, just weren't big things.

"I think maybe, after Patten, I tried too hard, I pushed myself to be ready even when I wasn't. I felt that it would only be a problem if I let it be. So I jumped into bed with anyone to just get it over with...I've somehow never equated what happened with sex with anyone else...until now anyway..." I try to shrug it off.

"Amanda, I know you really knew deep down what happened, but I think the denial would have made it easier to distance yourself. I suppose maybe this is one of those temporary unwanted side effects of therapy. It's working, almost too well, things you had buried so effectively, now need to be addressed..."

"I know Liv. I know it's for the best too, but what if I can't fix it?"

"I've wondered exactly the same thing...I know I've done it before, I know it can be done...It's just this time it feels different I suppose..."

"Can you try to talk to him about it, maybe?" I gesture over at Barba.

She smiles very shyly, "Yeah, I can. He understands...sometimes even better than I do...I've told him things I never thought I would..."

I decide to be honest with her in answer to her earlier question "I thought I would get another chance with Nick...at some point."

She turns to face me.

"I genuinely don't know if we were meant to be more, but I thought I'd have another chance..."

She nods understandingly.

"We talked about it, I think we both kind of feel the same, it just somehow wasn't meant to be...but if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have gotten this far..."

The tears I have been battling since he told me he is leaving are pricking at my eyes impatiently now.

She gently leads me into her bedroom.

"You have done amazingly Amanda... I can't believe how far you have come so quickly... It's only been a few months..."

I can't help a small grin of gratitude, "And a lifetime..." I add.

"I think maybe it takes a lifetime..." she agrees softly.

"He isn't pressuring you, Liv, is he?"

She shakes her head "God no, he is so patient. Unbelievably so...and so thoughtful..." I see tears appear in her eyes as she clearly remembers back to some thoughtful gesture that has deeply affected her.

"He's such a good man," she whispers.

"He'd better be the best Liv, cos the guys won't stand for anything less for you...neither will I"

She smiles widely at this, rolling her eyes at the thought of the guys...

"Well the guys have nothing to be concerned about. We are just friends..."

"I'm very glad to hear that you're happy Liv, however things are...and I do understand. Don't rush into anything. I've seen how he looks at you, I think he is happy to follow your lead, but I reckon Fin or Nick would be very happy to beat him up if he sets a foot wrong..." I gently tease her. "You have been so good to me over the last while. I honestly have started to wonder recently, if maybe pushing myself too hard, to be 'normal', after Patten, didn't cause even more damage. Please take it from someone who has made that mistake...don't"

"Hmmmmmmm. Well even if we were all good, there's a lot to consider before we could date anyway. IAB, 1PP and the DA's office would all have a fit..."

"I know the rules, Liv. And I know I broke them with Nick, but don't rule out someone who makes you happy, because of rules. One thing I have learned in these last few months is that life doesn't always go as you plan it will..."

'Liv, Amanda, C'mon... toast time..." Carisi bounds into the doorway.

We both laugh at his oblivious interruption.

Taking a deep breath we both join the others in the sun filled living room.

Again I see Barba's concerned eyes follow Liv until he is sure she is ok.

As Barba and Fin pour champagne into glasses I can't help but look around me. Liv stands happily with Noah balanced on her hip. She is smiling widely at her son. To her right stands Barba. He looks relaxed and happy. Lucy, Noah's sitter, is beside him, happily toasting Noah's adoption. I stand to Liv's left with Nick unsteadily wobbling on his crutches beside me until Carisi grabs his glass and slides in between us. Fin stands the other side of the small coffee table slowly raising his glass in toast, "To family...".