Sorry about any bad writing or grammar but I wrote this chapter whilst I was VERY sick so I didn't edit it as well as I could have done. Also because of my new illness (which makes eating and drinking a bitch) I may not update this story very often. Maybe one or two more entries before my own small break over New Years.
Chapter 19:
Gut Punch
Shane downed another shot of the Cap's whiskey as he, Leon, Lori and Lam sat in silence. It was late; Hannah and Jamie were being looked after by Paula and Carol as Lori finally gave up on Carl.
Shane had whispered to Lori that Carl and Sophia probably wanted to talk, they were kids and this was a big thing, something talking with parents could only do so much for. They wanted time to take it in as friends, not as children.
Morgan was still chatting to Duane, the man was a good father and Duane had been very upset, not like Jamie but still very upset, Morgan had told Lori and Shane that it brought back the topic of his mother who Hannah had killed once she turned. Shane hadn't seen Morgan since then.
Shane had felt that guilt tear into him as he told them Rosie was dead and was informed that Billy was too, he had been busying himself since then to help silence it. He had even gone on the horrifying body pick-up with Lam and Leon, only they had seen the horrors of a murdered child in their line of work.
The shooting was the worst, it was Shane's idea which didn't help but it needed to be done, he was going to turn eventually and Shane knew nobody would be able to shoot him then.
One quick round in the head and that problem was solved, he carried him back as they said goodbye to Rosie, Leon had put her down earlier once she began to twitch and they couldn't afford to bury her body.
The little boy's had been buried near the RV in the ground near where the woods begin, tomorrow there would be a simple service. Simple and quick so as not to draw attention.
Shane poured himself another shot as he thought about the boy again, Leon stood up without a word and walked away, Lam looked at Shane and Lori then followed him out, Shane knew that Lam was going to talk to him about what went wrong, fingers would get pointed, names would get thrown around.
Shane would be a common topic.
"It's not your fault." Lori said suddenly breaking the hour's silence.
"What?"
"It's not your fault, you gotta stop blaming yourself for what happened to Billy and Rosie…"
"I'm not saying it is my fault…"
"Shane, that's bullshit," Lori said in a frustrated tone as Shane pounded another shot, "I can see it in your eyes, you blame yourself for what happened to that little boy when it has nothing to do with you…"
"You don't get it Lori! I was on watch! I had the chance to stop him from going outside so please tell me Lor, if you can, that it is not my fault!" Shane said angrily, the whiskey was like fire in his veins, taking control of him and making him angrier, however this woman didn't back down.
"It is not your fault! We all did wrong! We all let him wonder the station by himself, we didn't barricade that door properly and hell we didn't even make sure he knew where the hell he was going! That is on us Shane, so stop making this all about you!" she seethed as she walked away, Shane felt his insides frothing with anger, he picked up the almost empty whiskey bottle and threw it across the common room, it smashed against the opposite wall as he kicked out at a chair, it landed on the floor with a clatter whilst the man breathed hard.
Who was she to yell that at him? He did so much for her and she just threw it in his face…
He slumped back in his seat wondering when things became so fucked up… It used to be him and Rick, Shane and Lori would talk about Rick and whenever Rick was busy and Shane was free he'd be a good uncle to Carl. He loved Lori like a sister and nothing more, now with Rick gone they had done nothing but grow closer, he loathed the notion of them being together as much as she did… But at the same time he couldn't help but follow it… Experience it… Be the man who could protect her and Carl.
Be the man Rick should've been.
Shane let out a long and exasperated sigh as he examined the mess around him, as he began to clean he reflected on his last thought…
The man Rick should've been.
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Poor Jamie.
It had been a long night, Carl was slightly embarrassed that he cried once he found out Billy and Rosie were both dead but he was so sad, just like when Freya had died it made him think about how long he had left. He and Sophia both insisted that they spend the night in their room and not with their mothers, mainly because they had been waiting to talk about it, not like chit chat but serious talking, Duane was still talking to his Dad in the next room.
"I feel bad for her." Carl said, Sophia was still teary but they sat close together.
"Me too, how long do you think she'll cry for?" Sophia asked, Carl considered it for a moment.
"I don't know. I hope it isn't too long…" he said, Billy and Jamie had been close with each other and their Mom. Hannah herself hadn't said anything for the rest of the day; it had been a half-hearted meal of beans and fries which nobody really ate much of.
"Same. Do you think it was quick?" she asked, Carl was slightly taken aback by this question half seeing it as a joke. But Sophia was being serious.
"Um… Maybe. Remember Aunt Paula just said he was bit… Maybe he turned?" he said, as soon as he said it he knew it was the wrong thing to say when her saw tears spring into her eyes.
"You mean he was a walker?" she asked in a choked up voice, Carl moved closer and took her right hand with his left, any other time this move would have sent butterflies into his stomach and made him nervous but now wasn't the time. Sophia squeezed back as she fought back tears.
"I don't want to die Carl, I don't want Mom to die, I don't want you to die… I don't want anybody to die." She said in one of the most scared voices he had heard her use, she leaned on his shoulder as she cried quietly, he rested his head on top of hers as tears started in his own eyes. The happiness he had been feeling the last few days had vanished, the hope that there may be others was gone and all he could feel was that welling feeling of sadness.
It was like a massive punch to the gut.
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Morgan lay on his bed in the adult's bedroom thinking hard, he had layed down an hour ago but he had not closed his eyes once.
He was used to kids being curious, he had been a middle school councillor in-between jobs thanks to his degree and he had dealt with everything kids had to say from 'Why are teachers so mean?' to 'It's been a year since Mom died and I can't stop thinking about it.'
But talking to Duane had been different, the kids at the school had meant a lot to him but Duane was his son, his questions were harder to answer and harder to think about.
Why do all these bad things happen?
Why did Mom have to die?
Is God real?
Morgan had been shaken by that last one, Morgan had never been too much of a believer but Jenny had raised Duane to believe in God, Duane had been more devout than Morgan had been and even reminded Morgan to say grace when Jenny wasn't home. To see his faith shaken like that… It was unsettling.
Morgan rolled over as the bed groaned, he winced half hoping that Lam or Leon didn't wake but they didn't. Shane hadn't returned yet and by his recollection it was Cindy and Paula on watch tonight… But Paula was with Hannah and Cindy was spending time with Fred, the poor woman had cried her eyes out over the news of Billy and Rosie.
Shane took it the hardest, sure Hannah was none responsive and Jamie had cried herself to the point of fatigue and exhaustion but there was something in Shane's eyes, the glimmer of something Morgan knew all too well, the same thing he saw in the mirror those few days after Jenny's passing.
Guilt.
Morgan knew he should sleep, chances were that even with the death of Billy and Rosie there would still be a supply run but he couldn't help it and he knew that maybe half the others might still be awake.
Leon and Lam slept near him but could easily be faking it like Morgan was, Shane was still elsewhere, Paula might be on watch duty but maybe Shane took over… Who knew?
Several others were definitely asleep. Morgan had chatted to Carol before going to sleep and apparently when both mothers checked in on their children both Carl and Sophia were asleep on the one bed, exhausted with grief probably. Jamie still hadn't woken up, Hannah had started talking (barely) and had gone to sleep and some of the others had secluded themselves in the station.
Honestly… Everyone was a mess.
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The service was simple, Billy had been buried already so it was quick.
Shane and Fred stayed on watch, neither was really close to Billy or Rosie so they elected to keep an eye on the station. Everyone who knew how to shoot was armed and everyone was alert, no-one really spoke. A few minutes of fearful silence, tears from some, sobs from others.
Those few minutes were torture for everyone…
But it was nothing compared to what ended the funeral.
Paula had one hand ready to draw her weapon, last time they were outside for this long the walkers had come and started to attack them. She didn't want to take that chance this time…
The silence had been going for a minute now, no-one had really started it but everyone had joined in. Paula stood by herself, around her she saw people huddling. Hannah stood at the foot of the grave, Carol and Cindy by her side consoling her, Morgan was on her other side with a hand on her shoulder as she wept. Jamie was in front of her, the same dull and emotionless expression on her face as she had been wearing since awakening.
Next to Morgan was Duane, he was staring at the grave with a morose look on his face.
Lori was next to both Carl and Sophia, however she was pre-occupied with looking around her. Paula knew the woman wanted to go back inside soon with the children… After what had happened recently Paula couldn't say she blamed her. Behind his mother Carl and standing close to Sophia, Paula saw the nervous touch of the hands between the two, they had become close since this thing had started… A serene touch of innocence to the awful situation.
On the opposite side of the grave from Paula, Lam stood to honour his friend and colleague Rosie. Leon stood next to him facing outward with one of the station shotguns. Paula could feel the atmosphere tensing up and knew they would be going inside soon, they couldn't say out here to long… Every gentle breeze carried a shiver up the spine, every rustle of leaves had people breathing faster and every flutter of a passing bird had people clutching their gun handles.
A soft clear of the throat caught her attention alongside everyone else's, Hannah stepped in front of her daughter, her eyes never leaving her son's burial site as she spoke in a stuffy voice.
"They say the greatest pain a mother can witness is outliving a child. Some agree and some don't… But I can say that it is hell… I wanted him to be safe so badly… So badly I would sacrifice everything for him… My little boy… I would tip over mountains or battle armies for his sweet little eyes… But instead he was killed… My naivety and stupidity killed my baby boy and I'll never forgive myself for it…" she said clearly with tears rolling down her cheeks, beside her her daughter made no indication towards emotion, she stared further at Billy's resting place. Paula felt a tear roll down her face as she felt the pain as well… She knew too well how losing a child was the worst pain you could live through.
Hannah turned slowly to face Lori and Carol who now stood together; she then turned to look at Duane, Carl and Sophia.
"Lori… Carol… Morgan… Don't you let your kids out of your sight. You protect them… Don't let them run away for one second… You keep an eye on them and you keep them safe… I don't want this to happen… ever… again…" the last few words came out as choked sobs as the woman broke down once more, she fell to her knees as she was caught by Lori and Cindy. As she was pulled to her feet she looked Paula dead in the eyes and spoke in a wail.
"Paula… I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry you had to feel this… I'm sorry…" she wailed before being supported further by Lori and Cindy. It was time, everybody moved as a pack back towards the station with Lam and Leon leading. Paula felt more tears assault her face as she walked at the back of the group, that speech had done her in…
It was torture.
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Jamie felt nothing.
She couldn't explain it… She felt nothing.
That bubble of sadness was no longer a bubble.
It was all encompassing…
She couldn't feel anything else… The entire funeral she hadn't felt tears, or fear or regret. Only sadness and sorrow.
It was all she was now.
Feelings were so distant, she saw the people speaking to her, understood them perfectly… She just had no desire to talk… She knew they could understand her silence…
It was her fault… Billy had asked her to walk him to his room… She had told him to grow up and do it himself…
Her last words to her brother…
Her last words to him ever…
"Don't be such a baby."…
It was her fault… Entirely her fault… Her Mom had said it was her own fault as a mother but she was wrong…
Jamie had killed her brother…
Jamie had killed him…
It was her fault…
The first tear of the day rolled down her face as she was lead back inside, the station seeming cold and lifeless, her mother wasn't with her.
Somebody was next to her, Sophia, her new friend. Jamie didn't want to talk to Sophia at the moment… The girl was always scared and she didn't want to upset her…
She walked through aiming for the bedroom…
She didn't want to speak to anyone…
Just lie down and sleep…
As her head hit the pillow of the bed she heard more voices around her… Sophia… Carol… Duane…
She didn't want to talk…
She wanted to sleep…
And never wake up…
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Mourning.
That was the word for it, the feeling in the station.
Carl walked through it randomly, not really paying attention to where he was. He practically had to wrench himself away from Carol for some time to himself, he would have preferred Sophia come with him but she was ever present at Jamie's side… Hannah hadn't stopped crying since the funeral and Jamie had just stood there, it had creeped Carl out how she was just... Empty.
Turning a corner he contemplated walking back, he decided he would in a minute or so before people started panicking about another missing child.
He found himself in the common room, he backed up though when he heard familiar voices.
His Mom and Shane.
Both sounded fairly angry.
"Lori… you know we can't do that, he is dead and you know it."
"I know Shane, I know… I was just… I don't know hoping…" his mother said in that vulnerable voice Carl hated to hear.
"It's ok… I don't blame you really… But I don't think finding Rick's body is goin' to help. Who says there is even a body? He may well be a…" Shane said, they were talking about his Dad… Something about his body.
"I just wanted… closure… I don't know, Shane." She said in what sounded like a choked voice. Carl looked around the corner to see his Mom and Shane hugging, he hated it when his mother was upset… It was one of the worst things Carl had ever seen in his life. The sight of his mother crumbling when she heard that her husband was dead.
Suddenly something changed in the hug, Carl couldn't describe it but it became… closer…
Suddenly without warning his mother looked up at Shane, there was a moment of eye contact between the two before she leant in and kissed him.
It was a long kiss… Like the ones she gave Dad…
Carl's heart closed up, he couldn't breathe… His Mom was kissing Shane… Dad hadn't even been dead for two weeks…
Carl wanted to leap out from his hiding place, the scream at his mother and his uncle and tell them what they were doing was wrong.
But all he could manage were tears, with a choked sob he turned and ran for his bedroom.