falling star
summary: maybe he's selfish for not missing her like everyone else in this wretched city (god, he hates all of this silence) and maybe he's a monster for being a little grateful for her death since with her out of the way maybe he can find happiness. but inside he knows that it is true. he will never be good. (
Shizuo Heiwajima is in love with Izaya Orihara.
Yes, he will admit it.
He fell in love with the raven-haired lad the moment that he laid eyes on him in high school.
But he does hate Izaya. He hates the flea.
He hates the way that he manipulates the people around him, and swears not to get close.
But he finds himself falling for him anyways.
"aww, shizu-chan" a small caress which is actually a mocking pat on the head "what could you possibly want with me, an innocent and unknowing informant?"
Izaya is not innocent, for sure.
He sees the way that he acts around women.
"new here, miss...?"
But at least Izaya is a constant in his life.
He is the thing that will never change, he thinks bittersweetly, still the same asshole as always.
And while Shizuo is trying to sort out his complicated feelings by simply smashing everything in sight, Izaya is busy being his same old self.
Damn the stupid rat, because that's what he's best out. Letting humans down.
He had thought that Izaya would eventually just end it with Namie, but to his surprise, he found that it went on for more than just a few days. Days became weeks, weeks became months.
And before he knew it he was even deeper in despair than he ever thought possible.
Before he knew it, he was intoxicated with grief at the fact that he'd never find his happy ending.
But more than anything he hates Yagari Seiji.
He's the dumb kid that started this whole thing.
Otherwise, Orihara Izaya might never have met Yagiri Namie, might have had a chance to share twilight evenings with Shizuo, might have had a chance to love him.
But for her, it might have happened.
shinra laughed. "are you guys enemies or just fighting lovers?" a blush rose to his cheeks, and he felt more embarrassed than ever he had thought possible. izaya hadn't noticed. of course not. he never noticed.
He knows that Izaya has it in him to be crueler than anything, to crush anyone's soul, to change the course of history through a single choice.
And if he knows Izaya, he knows that he won't be able to stop himself from such an interesting experiment. How humans experience heartbreak.
So admittedly, he knows (he'd like to believe he does, at least, that there might be a chance after all) that Namie will end up jilted, left to the police, and broken.
It might be cruel to wish that such a thing might happen, but he knows it will. He knows Izaya too well to think that he might actually settle down and be, well, normal for once.
So he waits, biding his time, for the inevitable to happen. He's just the same old annoying Shizu-chan for the long, lonely months until the big blowup. He stops seeking out Izaya for a while. Dates a girl. Breaks up with her because she finds out about his secrets. Chases away his demons with well-timed, expensive bottles of wine.
And he's spiraling deep down, deep down into a depression, and he doesn't know if he can pick himself up. His house is always clean, because he has nothing much else to do than drink, waste money, and live to the endless nightmare that he knows will end (but it doesn't seem to be anytime soon).
Kasuka stops by for a visit, noting the finally-clean house with concern.
"did something happen, shizuo?" he examines the living room in dismay, as he knows shizuo isn't the type to clean every day.
"no, nothing, of course." that's his cue to leave, or be thrown out.
He takes up, funny as it might sound, gardening.
It's a welcome distraction, surprisingly.
At first he plants normal flowers, the ones that his online course are telling him to.
But then he starts to get a little adventurous.
Side-by-side his first petunias are forget-me-nots, morning glories, and roses, all soft and beautiful hues. They flourish under his watchful eye.
It's strange how he's managed to create something lovely, something truly amazing, him, who destroys and fights and breaks. It's strange how he's settled down, how he's become docile and pleasant.
In this entire time, Izaya does not visit.
He slowly starts to forget the beautiful boy that he loved, forgets tender moments in their friendship, forgets where they used to fight, forgets how he used to throw vending machines.
He meets Tohko, and gradually he starts to fall in love with her.
"sorry, do you need something?" she's looking around the shop in childlike delight.
she takes his hand. "these are amazing!" she exclaims. "you're a true artist!"
and he blushes, just like he did with izaya so long ago.
"i'm heiwajima shizuo."
"i'm sakuragi tohko."
He forgets about Izaya's strange quirks, how he had that weird chessboard in his room. He even forgets about how he called him Shizu-chan. He's forgotten more than he's remembered, and truthfully, at this point he doesn't care.
Tohko and he manage to create a new life together.
It's bliss.
It's happier than he ever thought he'd be.
He takes up religion, praying devotedly to God for his wife and how perfect everything seemed to be.
But it all comes crashing down.
The flea, true to his nature, ruins it all with a single phone call.
"shizu-chan," he hears coming from his voicemail.
things start flooding back to him.
oh god no, he thinks, and rushes to delete it.
"shizu-chan, namie's dead."
all hell breaks loose in him. he stares at the phone, and then slumps down to the carpet, eyes wide.
tohko cannot comfort him. wine cannot comfort him. flowers cannot comfort him.
Because even if he thought that he was happy, he was always a sheep, blindly following Izaya's words.
Now he has a chance.
Now that Namie's dead.
He doesn't know what to do.
He could pursue Izaya, or stay with Tohko.
Tohko Heiwajima was starting to suspect her loving husband, Shizuo.
He would stay up at ungodly hours, staring at the will, trying to make a choice.
But between what?
"Honey," she called to him, "come down so I can give you a massage."
He affirms her with an absentminded "mmhmmm" and walks down the stairs mechanically.
Expertly squeezing his shoulders, she rested her head on his head.
"What is this all about?"
She thinks she detects a tear in his eyes.
"One of my friends is dead."
Oh, she tells herself, that's it. That's why he disappears with a suitcase full of his only black clothes and his black umbrella. He leaves her a note asking if she wants to go to the funeral.
She calls him back and says no. He sounds relieved.
When he comes home, she's already filed the papers.
"I can't do this anymore. You're not letting me in."
Numbly, he sits there and stares at her.
She stands up. This is not the first time she's left a man, and this will undoubtedly not be the last.
"Thank you for five years of happiness," she tells him before she leaves their house for good.
She knows she'll never truly find her happy ending. But maybe she can find snippets of it along the way.
The house is emptier than ever.
Izaya comes to visit.
Even after this many years, Izaya looks the same.
Shizuo's the one who has changed.
He's lost his glasses to contacts for Tohka.
He doesn't wear his bartender suit anymore.
He's quieter, with more restraint.
He's so different that Izaya is surprised.
"Shizu-chan!" he says loudly, coming in and ruffling his blonde hair. "How is my favorite vending machine throwing monster?"
Shizuo blushes, but looks at him quizzically. He can't quite recall the old days completely, so he's perplexed as to what vending-machine throwing monster means.
"Ah, I'll have to re-train you, I guess. I see you've got a garden now."
"Long time no see," he says quietly. "I had thought you moved away."
Izaya's grin gets even bigger. "Never! Move away? From my own city?"
"Why are you here," he mutters, going to the kitchen to fill up the teapot again.
"To reminisce with you, of course! We're both older and more mature, so we can finally be friends, obviously!"
It strikes him harder than he thought it would.
Just friends.
But then he smiles, and remembers back when there was no Izaya at all.
He'll take friends for now.
Thank you, Namie.
IZAYA:
He came to visit Shizuo after Namie's death, after years of separation.
With amusement, he noted that the blonde seemed to still have the same old, same old crush on him, despite everything else changing.
He's surprised that he's thrown away everything for him.
And he knows deep down that he won't replace Namie, he'll never replace Namie.
Sure, he'll be friends with Shizuo.
But they'll never be lovers.
They'll never be what Namie was to him.
They'll never be what Shizuo wants.
Smirking, he raises his teacup.
Namie's death has embittered him.
She was the only human who had pulled the wool over his eyes.
He needed to be more careful. He was more attached to this sinful world than he thought.
A/N: I don't own Durarara! or anything else of that nature. Sorry I haven't been as active (such understatements!) but I promise now that I have more time I will be able to write more.