Chapter 10; Away
.
"Don't worry. His condition is not something serious. He just dehydrated and had hypoglycaemia. I've already gave him an IV therapy to increase his blood glucose and to add more electrolytes in his system but I need to talk to his parents, personally." The middle age doctor explaining to the people that already surrounded him as soon as he exited the emergency room. He was Ji Hoo's senior and Ji Hoo suggested him to be Yul Jin's paediatrician after he was born because he was one of the best paediatricians in the hospital.
"Thank you doctor Han." Ji Hoo shook his hand to show his gratitude.
Ga Eul and I followed him to his room while the others stayed at Yul Jin's room to keep an eye on him. He immediately talked to us as soon as we sat in front of his desk.
"I've ran thorough check-ups and found nothing wrong with his health. Physically he is a healthy kid but psychologically he is not." We just kept silent to let the doctor continued his talk. "This incident shouldn't happen to him at all. I can treat him now but the best thing to do is to heal the source of his illness. Is something happen at home?"
No one dared to respond at the doctor's question as we all perfectly knew the answer. Sensing that we were ashamed to tell him the problems, he continued;
"Toddlers at his age are actually very sensitive at their surroundings. Their mind is really simple, only black and white, love and hate, happy and sad, and nothing fuzzy logic in between. They judged on what they saw and heard. Their mind is not yet developed to handle complexity. They will try to understand something new or the abnormality in their everyday life but always find it was hard to comprehend and that would make them frustrated and scared."
"And they will find solace in their parents, the persons that they very close too. They will ask their parents for explanation, crying in their arms to release their frustration and hunger for their warmth embraced to pacify their scariness. Their parents are the main axis in their world to coordinates their life to move in the right path."
"So, can you imagine how they feel if their solace place is taken away from them harshly. Their axis that supposes to support them and guide them, crumbling down in front of their very own eyes. They want to ask why but to whom? They want to understand but how? They want two pairs of arms from their father and mother to embrace them, to protect them but when they have to choose, which arms should they pick?"
"Sadly to say, they are not capable to think that far. So they will do something to show their protest. Usually crying out loud is their best weapon but sometimes they will do something more and in Yul Jin's case, he chose to do hunger strike, maybe to gain more attention from you guys. "
"I have no rights to say anything about your personal life but as Yul Jin's doctor, I suggest you to start thinking about him more before you decide to do something. He's still fragile and easily got hurt and it is your responsibility not to let something break him apart."
"Thank you for your time Mr So and Miss Chu, I hope we won't meet again like this in the future. Please be more patient on him and try to gain his trust again."
"Thanks to you too doctor Han. We'll try our best to prevent it from happen again." I heard Ga Eul showed her gratitude towards the doctor while I just kept my mouth shut all the time.
We walked slowly in silent through the corridor to go to Yul Jin's private room. Not side by side but I let her walked in front of me as I watched her dejected back. She looks so tired while taking her step slowly, more like dragging her foots on the floor. Sometimes I saw her lifting her hand to her face, maybe to shed away her tears.
"I … I don't think I can take it anymore."
"And I regret that he is YOUR son!"
Her voice kept replaying on my mind. It was so hurt to know that she chose to give up. She chose to throw me to hell after she lifted me to heaven. She, the only woman that I love, regretted that the child I love more than my own life, was mine.
My strides became slower until I stop and made our distance became further and further apart. I just stood still while still watching her back until she disappeared behind the corner. Not even once she turned her face at me, maybe still too mad at me as I'm also felt too mad at her for being weak.
But can I blame her? Can I be mad at her when I knew the source of this problem actually came from me? Can I expect her to stay strong while I'm the one who being weak and coward? For almost three years, three damn years she devotedly stayed by my side in sin. She was a good daughter, a nice young lady, a once an honoured woman, a respectful teacher who happen to respect any life form and she even scolded Yul Jin for stepping onto a cockroach. She, who believed in a sacred tie called marriage and hoped to give her virginity to a man called her husband. She, everything good was in her blood but I changed her, I changed all her belief and I turn her to be someone that she hated the most.
I did wondering about her feelings but I chose to ignore because she never complaint it to me. I should know her, she would never want to worry me and she would buried all her sadness in her heart.
'Arghhh, why I'm so stupid and not realised it earlier?' I hate myself for being ignorant and not even trying to understand her needs. I love her with all my heart but I never said it to her. I never gave her assurance in our relationship. I let her hanging with a fragile thread without a safe ground to support her and she been holding the thread for so long and no wonder she felt tired and wanted to let it go.
I shivered at the thought of her left me alone. I'm scared, if that really happen someday, can I be strong enough to let her go. Or maybe she was right, maybe letting them go is the best solution. I think without me they won't suffer this much. Without me, they can live in a peaceful life as a commoner that nobody even cared about their personal life.
I always hate hospital. Hospital made me weak and scared. I can't stay at this building any longer. For once I wanted to be selfish and run away. And I did but at the hospital entrance I bumped into someone who was not supposed to be here tonight. He was shocked to see me wanted to run away. He immediately grabbed my collar shirt and smashed me to the concrete wall.
He was so mad and I can see it through his eyes. His eyes burning with anger and slightly red with moisture. I felt him tighten his hold on my collar and pushed me harder on the wall. He wanted to say something but he gritted his teeth to prevent any words coming from his mouth. His rule is simple, never interfered in So Yi Jeong's personal life.
"Aboeji, I thought you are supposed to be in China by now." I broke the long silent when I felt that he loosen his hold on me.
"Yul Jin is far more important."
"His room is 711, at seventh floor. You can see him there."
"Please learn Yi Jeong-ah. I'm not the right role model to advise you but please don't let this happen for the second time or you will lose him forever like how I lose you."
My father looked at me with sad eyes. He then proceeded to go inside the hospital and I saw him jogged to the elevator. I sighed, was he really my father? He bought a fish as a birthday present. Just a fish! He used to give me sport cars, boats, yachts and many expensive birthday presents but he gave my son a fish which I think is the best birthday present for Yul Jin. And now he willingly left the auction event and rushed back here from China because he was worried for his favourite grandson. He changed, maybe because he's getting older or maybe because of a certain boy that gave him his unconditional love. Maybe he found a chance and hopes in Yul Jin.
Yul Jin, I hope he's okay. I'm so sorry Yul Jin-ah, for your destiny to have a jerk like me as your father but I never regret to have you as my son, as my strength and as my sunshine.
I didn't realise that I'm already at the stall by the roadside in the middle of nowhere. Few empty bottles of soju line up at my table as I drank all my sorrow away. Ga Eul will surely scold me if she knew that I drank this much.
"Ga Eul-yang! I love you so much!" I scream as loud as I can and just ignoring the glared from the other customers.
Suddenly someone slapped the back of my head and I heard a female voice called me "PABO!" I turned my head and saw Miss Ha Jae Kyung's teasing eyes looking at me and smirking down at me. I rubbed my eyes and slapped my cheeks for a few times, I think I'm already over drunk to actually saw a ghost. I blinked my eyes few times but she's still there.
"Why are you still here?" I asked more to myself.
"Because I'm here."
"No, you're just a mirage of my drunken mind. An illusion that is not real. But of all people, why you? Why not Ga Eul-yang who should appear in front of my eyes now. Why not her?" I whined like a small kid that apparently annoyed the illusion in front of me.
"Yah." She twisted my ear and I scream in pained. "I said I'm here and I'm real pabo."
"Okay okay, it hurt. Let go of my ear. So I guess you're really real." I rubbed my ear gently to ease the pain.
"So you love her huh?" She eagerly took a sit beside me.
"What are you doing here?" Yeah, I'm really curious because last time I heard from Ga Eul, she was in India to expand her business there.
"I heard your confession. In fact I've already record it on my phone."
"YAH! Give me back your phone."
"I can but I already mail the video to my personal email so I can blackmail you in the future."
"What do you want?" I asked her irritably.
"Funny right, I actually wanted to go to your house to join the party but my assistance called me about an urgent case in this area. In short, the case settled and I'm yours now." She slowly scooted closer to me in a seductive move as I also scooted away from her and gave her a questioning glare. Suddenly she grabbed my waist and pulled me into a tight hug.
"YAH! Crazy monkey, are you nuts." I tried to release myself from her grip but she clamped her arms around me and pouted her lips to kiss me. "YAH! Don't you feel guilty to your best friend Ga Eul!"
She immediately released me and giggling at my frantic looks. "Tell me why I should feel guilty at her? Because I'm seducing you? Wait a minute, I think I done nothing wrong. You are not her husband so don't worry, she can't be angry about us. She has no rights to be mad."
"She has every rights about me!"
"Why?"
"Because… because she owns my heart, she owns my mind, body and soul, and because I love her."
"Then why are you drinking here right now."
"My son is admitted to the hospital right now. I made Ga Eul-yang cried, I made Yul Jin cried, I made them suffered. I, I, and I, all because of me. Cheers to So Yi Jeong, for being the greatest jerk in the universe." I held the glass of soju up high and drank it in one gulped. Then I continued;
"You know what, maybe I shouldn't 'know' Ga Eul-yang at all. I shouldn't interfered in Jun Pyo's love life and met her because the only thing that I gave her since we've met is 'hurt'."
"Do you really mean it? Let say if I'm not Ha Jae Kyung but an angel that came to the world and disguised in 'Ha Jae Kyung' form. If I can grant you one wish, do you want me to make you to never met Chu Ga Eul? Do you seriously want her out of your life so you can be a Casanova forever? You'll start your day with unknown woman on your bed, going to work just to show your face because you don't have a purpose to work, then going to the club drinking and flirting and bring another new woman to your bed and the same cycle will go on and on every day, every week until you wish your life would pass by quickly. Do you want that life?"
"No."
"Do you want to live alone in darkness?"
"No!"
"Do you want me to vanish Ga Eul and Yul Jin out of this world?"
"NO! NO! NO! I don't want them to disappear. I don't want to be away from them. Please angel, don't take them from me." I'm actually begging at her whom I thought was an angel.
"Aish, you are still not believed that I am Ha Jae Kyung right?" I just nodded my head. "Come on lets go."
"To where? Do you want to take my soul away? Am I dying?"
"To a place that you can release your frustration and how many times do I have to tell you, I am really Ha Jae Kyung. Come on!"
After half an hour walking (she dragged me actually) and half drunk, we arrived at the place that she meant earlier. My jaw hung open and I practically reverse myself to run away from that place but she was fast and pushed me inside. I guess she's really Ha Jae Kyung.
"Seriously Jae Kyung-shi, a karaoke centre?"
"Yup, the best place where you can sing away your sorrow. I suggest you to sing a rock song."
I can't believe I'm singing out loud and dancing wildly with a monkey while my son lying on the hospital bed. But somehow I felt good after singing few rock songs and my throat became sore.
"Let me choose for your last song!" Jae Kyung exclaimed excitedly. "Here 'You're My Everything' by Santa Esmeralda. You memorised this song right?"
"Yeah, but why?"
"Just sing it with your eyes close okay."
I started singing and somehow when I sing the song with closed eyes, I can 'feel' the lyrics more than before.
'When I kiss your lips, I feel the rolling thunder to my fingertips, And all the while my head is in a spin, Deep within, I'm in love.' Funny, that exactly what I felt every time I kissed her.
'You're my everything, And nothing really matters but the love you bring, You're my everything, To see you in the morning with those big brown eyes, You're my everything, Forever and a day I need you close to me,
You're my everything, You never have to worry, never fear, for I am near,'
By the time I reach the chorus, my tears started to fall down and I had difficulty to keep my voice steady but I still continued to sing until the end. Yes, Chu Ga Eul is my everything. I opened my eyes slowly and saw Jae Kyung smiling tenderly at me. I smiled back at her as I understand what Jae Kyung tried to show me.
"Thank you Jae Kyung-shi."
"You're welcome Jeong."
After that, I became more determined, I'll do anything to make sure 'my everything' would always stay close to me. But I don't want to rush and I wanted to give her more times to calm down.
Yul Jin started to eat again after a secret persuasion from my mother. I don't know what my mother had told him and I don't care as long as he's eating again.
After a week, everything went back to normal. Normal in a sense of we live together again but not like before. We slept separately and seldom talk. Yul Jin finally wanted to speak to me but not as much as before. No more morning strolled with me and no more bubbly greetings from him every time I came home from work.
I can't concentrate during the meeting today and I don't know why my heart felt something different. I felt afraid so sudden so I decided to go home early.
My house seems quit clean and quiet. Usually Yul Jin's toys were lying on the floor, maybe he asleep. I walked to my room to change my cloths but I stop my stride when I saw that Yul Jin's bedroom door was slightly open. I wanted to close it but I saw from the small opening that Ga Eul was sitting in front of Yul Jin's closet. She was packing Yul Jin's cloths into a bag beside her.
Was she going somewhere with Yul Jin? Why haven't she told me? Or was she intended to leave me secretly. My body shivered at that thought, my heart beat faster and I could feel the cold sweat already dripping from my forehead. No, no, this can't be happening!