I just thought I would share with you this beautifully eloquent and rather witty review for Chapter 1:

you are so stupid if i were friends with you id be in shame and be hiding did you know * that new moon is the best
movie in canada and your just one big fat loser*

(I'm not even going to comment on the atrocious grammar and punctuation.)

It's just a shame that 'Twilight girl vampire girl' left an anonymous review. You know, I would quite like to have a friendly conversation with her... seems like an interesting person...

And, because I am 'just one big fat loser', I decided to post the next chapter.

Renesmee

"S-Stephenie Meyer?" I stuttered. I stuttered?! OMR! I can't believe I did that - so unattractive!

"Um, yes. The idiot who thought up Twilight. And proceeded to mind-rape thousands of teenage girls around the planet with her ridiculous stories of sparkling vampires," one of them snorted with disgust.

"But anyway," the other one continued. "We just thought you looked a bit like the horror – uh, I mean one of the characters in the book."

True, they weren't the first to notice that. I'd had many people come up to me, saying things like, "Oh my god, you look like Renesmee! You are so lucky, I wish I did!" After telling them that the correct phrase was not OMG but OMR (Oh my Renesmee – because I am perfect enough to be a goddess, after all) and flashing one of my dazzling smiles, which usually left them dazzled for a couple of minutes, I just told them that I was lucky to have been born looking like perfection.

But nobody had ever made the connection between me and Stephenie Meyer before.

"Of course not!" I smiled. "It's just a story, after all."

"Good," the dark-haired one muttered. "Because if it was real, I might just have to kill myself."

They left, still muttering to each other and looking at me suspiciously.

I frowned. After writing the books at the age of 2/12, and having them published under the pseudonym Stephenie Meyer, I had made sure that the 'Cullens' were unrecognisable as our family. I had (very cleverly, if I say so myself) written the story so it was set in a place where we didn't live! And I had changed our surname, but left our first names as they were. I had also paid a lot of money to hire a woman who would pretend to be 'Stephenie Meyer' at book signings and things like that. I had planned this all out by myself and I was sure that nobody would ever be smart enough to figure it out.

When the books came out, even I couldn't have predicted their success. I mean, obviously they would have been pretty successful, written by me and all that, but they shot to the top of all the bestseller lists. The only thing that annoyed me was having to stand back and let 'Stephenie Meyer' take the glory and bask in the glow of my talent.

Momma had helped me write the story of her human life, meeting Daddy, and becoming a vampire, although we changed some of the details so that it wouldn't be too obvious to anyone that had known her at high school. I saved the best till last – my birth, and my defeat of the Volturi when they came to destroy me. (I still can't understand why anyone would want to.)

And now these two little idiots were about to ruin everything I'd worked so hard for! Imagine if they'd realised that I had written Twilight… they could tell all the newspapers and the whole vampire world would be discovered. We'd all be destroyed!

I had to get back to the big house and tell my family what had happened.

Mary

Sue and I were amazed. In a bad way. We had actually met the horror. (That's Renesmee, by the way.) Twilight was... REAL. The dreadfulness of this was enough to make us feel sick.

What were we going to do now? Well, the logical first step would be to go to the Volturi and ask for their help in destroying the horror. Then we could come back to America and get rid of it.

It sounded like a plan. The only problem was… we were on a school trip. In an unknown place. Supervised by teachers. There was no way we could just pop across to Italy, source the help of three very dangerous and human-eating vampires, then fly back again and destroy a perfectly innocent (in the eyes of everyone else, anyway) girl.

It called for desperate measures. This was an exceptional circumstance. The future of the world was at stake! Imagine if 'Stephenie Meyer' decided to bring out another series of books… The thought was too ghastly to imagine.

We lied to our art teacher, Miss Drew, telling her that we had to visit one of our relatives in Italy, who was on her deathbed, and that we would be back soon. Being a little dippy and impractical, she agreed, and we flew out of America on the following morning, having sourced a flamethrower on the way. (Don't ask. Sue has connections.)

I won't bore you with the details of our flight, but we arrived in Italy feeling very sore, cramped and tired. We then got the train to Volterra. And let me tell you now, those flamethrowers are damn heavy. Carrying one on the train was no picnic. And the hassle we went through trying to smuggle it into the airport!

We had sent an email to Caius before we left America (right up to date, these ancient vampires), knowing that he was the one who wanted to destroy Renesmee the most.

To: caius
From: maryandsue

Dear Caius,

We know where Renesmee, your enemy, is living. We are concerned for the future of the world if she is allowed to remain alive. She has published a series of books which reveal dangerous details of the vampire world. We would like to meet with you and discuss how best to get rid of her. (We have a flamethrower.)

So that we have a guarantee of our safety, we have left details of you and the vampire world with a friend. If we do not return, they will spread the information and you will be hunted down and massacred. If you cooperate, however, we will destroy the information.

We will arrive at the Volturi castle soon. Please inform Marcus and Aro of our visit so they don't try and eat us when we walk through the door.

Yours sincerely,

Mary and Sue

Hey, it's not blackmail if the other person gets something out of it as well (namely, the destruction of the horror).

I feel like this story is getting progressively more and more weird. In a bad way.

Reviews are welcomed - yes, especially flames.