Chapter 18; The Seed of Love
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I was force to wake in the middle of the night by a sharp piercing pain at my lower abdomen and at my back. I tried to steady my breath because it was not the first time I felt this pain. The first time was about a week ago and sunbae rushed me to the hospital but only being told by the doctor that it was a false alarm. Since then, every time I felt the contraction I will do the breathing techniques to relax myself and the pain will subside.
But tonight the pain was not subsiding and the contraction did not stop even when I changed my position and relax. The contractions steadily increase in strength and I can't hold the pain anymore. I rose myself to sit and suddenly I felt a gush of fluid leaking through my vagina and drenched my night gown and also my bed sheet. I was shocked by the sudden gush and I knew that the time has come for Yul Jin to see this world.
"Sunbae wake up." I called him while trying to stand the pain.
"What's wrong Ga Eul-yang?" I heard him asking me from his position.
"My stomach hurt."
"You want me to accompany you to toilet?" I felt my blood boiled when he asking me that question while he's still not moving an inch.
"No, not that kind of hurt. I think Yul Jin is coming." I suppressed my anger and answer his question.
"Who's that?" That's it. Now I really pissed off with him. Not only that he didn't want to wake his ass up, he even dared to ask me 'who's that?' His own son's name!
"Yah! Can you just wake up now!" I screamed as loud as I can while I grabbed my pillow and whacked his head as hard as possible. "I said that YOUR son is coming and my stomach hurt because of the contraction idiot."
"What?" He abruptly rose up his body and was startled by my violence act (he ask for it) and took a while to fully understand what actually happening. He looked at my drench cloth and started to react. "Ok lets go to the toilet" I glared at him. "I mean hospital now!" He ran frantically back and forth to collect all the necessary things to bring to the hospital.
All the time I'm focusing my mind at the piercing pain that I felt and I ignored my surrounding. In flash, suddenly I realised that I already arrived at the emergency department. They rushed me inside a room for check-up and sunbae waited outside. They checked my blood pressure, the time interval between my contractions and they measured the length of my dilation.
"Hello Miss Chu, I'm Dr Kim and Dr Yoon asked me to be your doctor." A middle aged woman came and greets me while examining my chart.
"Nice to meet you Dr Kim. Is it true this time? Will I really give birth today?"
"Yes. So please change into hospital gown and we will transfer you to the labour room."
After I changed my cloth, they pushed me outside the room and Yi Jeong-sunbae immediately reached out my hand and followed me to the labour room. I saw Ji Hoo-sunbae with bags under his eyes and I flash him a smile as an appreciation for coming to the hospital to support us. Dr Kim came to us as soon as we reached the labour room and she spoke to sunbae about my condition.
"Mr So, your wife I mean Miss Chu's cervix have already dilated to 8cm wide so all we need to do now is to wait until it dilate to 10cm wide to proceed with the delivery process. We'll monitor her contraction and your baby's heart rate with this CTG (cardiotocogram) machine." Dr Kim explained to sunbae as I listen to her too.
"For how long we have to wait doctor?" Sunbae asked exasperatedly.
"Depends on the patient, some only takes less than 30 minutes and sometimes can take up to two hours and more." Two hours? I wanted to interrupt their conversation and asked the doctor but sunbae beat me.
"You mean she has to endure the pain for two hours more?" I looked at his worried face. One who saw his face would think that Yi Jeong-sunbae wanted to eat that poor doctor. Maybe Dr Kim already immune with her patient's family's threat because her face showed no sign of scared and she managed to stay calm.
"Yes. Of course she can take analgesic drugs or gas but I'm not recommended that. Only if she really can't tolerate with the pain then I'll prescribe the drugs."
"It's ok Yi Jeong-sunbae, I think I can hold the pain but please stay with me." I interrupted them because I'm afraid that sunbae will cause ruckus with the hospital staff. I think I can endure the pain by think positive about it. I told myself that the pain was nothing compared to a bundle of joy that I will embrace after this. If I can tolerate for nine months of course two hours won't be a big deal.
"I'll never leave you Ga Eul-yang." He squeezed my hand and kissed my forehead lightly. My heart swelled by his loving action and who said I need analgesic drugs when the drugs already infused in my system by him.
He never leaved my side, not once. His hand always squeezed mine and he tried his best to lessen my pain by distracting me with other thing. The pain was there but my central nervous system chose to paralyse my pain receptors so that my sensory receptors became dominant and all I can feel was his loving touch. Sometimes, I don't understand the complexity of human physiology but in times like this, I'm glad that I can experience the anomaly.
After a while the doctor told me that my cervix had dilated to suitable width and I'm ready to give birth. The pain came back to my senses as soon as the doctor asked me to push harder.
"Arghhhhh! It hurt sunbae." It felt so hurt because I can feel his head almost out and it stretched my vagina wider and my body automatically increased my abdominal contraction to help the process of delivery.
"I know Ga Eul-yang." He caressed my hair softly. "Ok one last push. Take your deep breath." I followed his instruction and inhaled deeply. "Now push Ga Eul-yang!"
"Arghhhhhhhhh!" I screamed as loud as I can and focus all my strength to my abdominal muscle and pushed harder. In one exhalation, I felt him sliding out from me and I dropped my body to the bed with a wide smile plastered on my face. I can hear his small voice wailing to catch his first breath. I can't describe the feeling that I felt at that time. I'm exhausted like I've completed a 40km marathon (though I never run that far) and the victory was in my hand.
"Congratulation Mr So, Miss Chu. You have a healthy little boy here. You can cut his umbilical cord Mr. So." I watched sunbae strode to our son and carefully cut his umbilical cord. The nurse wanted to hand him to sunbae but he immediately refused to hold him and asked the nurse to directly give Yul Jin to me. I felt my heart just get tugged by his action. Why he rejected Yul Jin? Is he realised that Yul Jin was his mistake after he finally saw him?
I forgot for a while all my pain (physically and emotionally) when I hold Yul Jin in my arms. He still wailing and naturally the mother instinct inside me tried to soothe him out. He looks so small and fragile and I felt the urged to protect him. When I lifted my face, I saw sunbae walked away from my room and I heard the sound of my 'patience' shattered into million pieces.
I cried my heart out but surprisingly Yul Jin stop wailing. I buried my face into the blanket that wrapped his body and embraced him tightly.
"Don't worry baby. If appa doesn't want you, you always have me. Omma won't leave you alone. Omma will always love you. Omma will always protect you. We can live without your father. I'm sorry to cause you this misery."
"Ga Eul-ah." I lifted my face from his blanket and saw Jan Di closing the door. She walked closer to me with a worried face. "Why are you crying?"
"Ah, I'm so happy that's why I cry for happiness." I gave her a fake smile and I know that she's not buying my lie. But being my best friend for so long, she knew when to press me further or not. So she pretended to believe me and changed her attention to my son.
"Your son is so beautiful Ga Eul! Can I hold him?"
"Of course you can. Here." I gave Yul Jin to her and she kissed his cheek and cheerfully playing with his hand.
We talked for a while and Jan Di's presence made me felt that I'm not alone. After breastfeed Yul Jin, the nurse came to my room and advised me to sleep and took a good rest. Yul Jin already asleep and the nurse told me that they will monitor him in the nursery. Jan Di sensed my hesitation to separate with my child so she gave me an assurance that my baby will be in the safe hand because the staffs in the nursery were more trained to care new-born baby.
It didn't take me a long time to sleep because my body was very exhausted and I need this rest. I don't know how long I've been sleeping when I heard a sound like someone closing the door. I open my eyes and realised that my room was dimmer compared when the time before I fall asleep. Habitually, my hand went to my tummy to caress it but then I remembered that he was not there anymore. I tried to adapt without Yul Jin in me. For nine months I felt him growing inside me, I felt his movement and I never felt alone. But now, lying alone in a dim room made me missed him terribly.
I stood up from my bed and sit on the wheelchair that provided in the room. I propelled myself to the nurse counter and told them that I wanted to go and see my son in the nursery. They offered to send me there but I declined and told them that I can go alone.
There was no one in the hallway until I reached the paediatric department. Just went I'm about to turn to the corner that lead me to the nursery, I saw Yi Jeong-sunbae spoken to a nurse and I immediately reversed the wheelchair to hide myself behind the wall. I peeped from the corner of the wall and saw sunbae went inside the nursery. 'What he's doing here?' I'm very curious and slowly propelled the wheelchair until I can peep inside the nursery from the glass wall.
He seemed to have an argument with the nurse and I saw the nurse handed the sleeping Yul Jin to him. Initially he hesitated but with a determination looks on his face; he took Yul Jin from her. He was awkward at first but after a while he looks natural when he holding him. I saw the way he looked at Yul Jin. His eyes were full with amusement and love. His lips curled up into a genuine smile that showed his deep dimple.
The nurse came out from the nursery and caught me peeping from the glass wall. It's useless to try to run and hide, so I gave her an embarrassing smile. She's eyeing me from my head to my toe. Maybe she taught that I'm a perverted stalker that secretly stalking one of the most handsome man in Korea. Make sense right?
"Your boy resembles you and him a lot." She walked away after she said it to me. I was relief that she can figure out that Yul Jin is mine so I don't need to explain further.
I gazed back at the nursery and saw sunbae nuzzling his nose at Yul Jin's body. He looks so happy and then I saw few drops of clear liquid running through his cheeks. Is it his tears? Omo he's crying! I covered my mouth from the surprised that I just witness and he looks surprised too. He held him closer and started to give Yul Jin butterfly kisses all over his face and body while still crying.
My eyes started to moisten too. Just when I'm about to lose hope on him, just when I thought that he don't want to accept Yul Jin, just when I'm planning to leave him with Yul Jin; he managed to buried all my plan with his simple yet loving gesture. From the looks on his face I knew that he loves Yul Jin. How can I separate him with his son? And Yul Jin deserved to live under his father's protection and love. But most of all, my love for sunbae becomes deeper and deeper and how can I live without him?
I stayed behind the glass wall for a while and watched them from afar. Yul Jin already wakes up and sunbae made funny faces to attract his attention. I smiled at the sight in front of me and decided to collect back all the million pieces of my patience that shattered before and rebuild it together. I don't know what will happen in our future. I've already came this far so why not wait and fight until the end.
I slowly propelled my wheelchair back to my room with a wide smile on my face. In my mind I heard Cheryl Cole singing my favourite song 'Fight For This love' and my spirit lit up by the song.
Anything that´s worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitting's out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more
We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love
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But in my case only me who will fight for our love. Fighting Ga Eul!
Author's Note: I actually wanted to put the whole lyrics of 'Fight For This Love' but it would be too long. So I suggest you to listen to the song while imagining GE's situation.