Ok, I'm going to spoil you now, only because all your wonderful reviews have made it impossible for me to stop writing

It had to be something like 3 o'clock in the morning, but Kate knew that she wasn't going to be able to get to sleep. She lay on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. She had told Lanie to go home hours ago, she didn't need to be watched, she was just fine. Lanie of course didn't believe her, but she knew that she would need some time alone to sort through things. How had it all gone so wrong? One moment they were kissing and holding hands and then she was a broken mess in her apartment with more alcohol than she cared to admit running through her system. What was she supposed to do? They had been partners for so long she couldn't even begin to imagine what her life would look like without him.

Why did she have to be such a stupid bitch? Why couldn't she have just told him from the beginning that she loved him too she just wasn't ready yet, why couldn't she just tell him the truth instead of leaving him in the dark for three months and then continuing to lie to him? She didn't need to hear him say it, she knew that they were over for good now. He was not going to come back, nor should he. He didn't deserve to be treated like that, she had taken him for granted and now he was standing up for himself, as he should.

Tomorrow she would go back into work and force herself to forget about him, she couldn't keep thinking about him while doing her job anymore. He wasn't coming back and she just needed to accept that; no matter how painful or difficult it might be to do.

A week had passed and nothing had gotten even a little better. Beckett was sitting at her desk pretending to do paperwork that had been completed hours ago, trying to stay focused so her mind wouldn't wander to the empty space in the chair next to her. She should get rid of that seat, throw it away...but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She still had hope that maybe they would be able to fix things and that some day he would be sitting in that seat again, just like they used to be. Ryan and Esposito had been swapping between staring at her with concern, to being angry with her for the pain she had caused. They all knew that she was not the victim in all this, they knew what she did, dating Demming and breaking his heart, refusing to let him back into her life when he wasn't even aware that he had done anything wrong, dating Josh, almost getting herself killed as she chased her mother's killer...she was not completely innocent, she was not the victim...or at least she wasn't the only one.

It was really hard for any of them to take sides, both parties were at fault, both parties were in pain. All they could do was stand at the sidelines and watch.

Beckett scanned over the paperwork for the 15th time and knew that she had to stop, she was going to drive herself crazy if she kept this up. But she needed the distraction, she needed to keep herself occupied, she needed to keep herself from thinking about the empty chair beside her. Why couldn't she just let it go? She had been able to with every other guy that meant anything to her...but Rick was not just any other guy and she knew it. She couldn't take it anymore, she knew that everyone was staring at her, even after a week they hadn't stopped. She had finished all her work and now she just needed to escape.

She grabbed her coat and stopped outside the elevator, trying to catch her breath. She shook her head and went down the stairs instead, not being able to even press the elevator button without tearing up. It had been where it had all begun and where it had all ended, so quickly. She reached the ground floor and flew out the doors onto the street. She didn't know where she was going, nor did she really care, she just needed to get out of the precinct for a bit. She pulled her coat on, shoved her hands in her pockets and hid her face behind her wild curls. It was getting a lot colder now, it was nearing the holiday season, but she wasn't feeling very cheerful. She found a little cafe and she went inside, relishing the warmth that hit her face as she walked through the door.

She found a table over in the corner and she sat down silently, staring down at her hands in her lap. Kate could hardly keep the tears back, they had been threatening to fall for days, but she wouldn't allow herself to cry. She hadn't cried so much for anything else in her life...except for her mum of course. A barrister came over to her table and asked if she would like to order anything, Kate looked up and saw a young man with dark hair and blue eyes and she immediately looked away, mumbling that she just wanted a coffee. It had only been a week, she could still be upset couldn't she? She could do this, she could forget all about Castle and move on with her life. She was Detective Beckett and she could face anything. She was invincible, she was strong and there was nothing that could hurt her. The pain that shot through her chest basically screamed back at her 'no you're not and you know it'. Memories flashed past her eyes, the bullet, Castle tackling her to the ground, begging her not to leave him and telling her that he loved her.

He loved her, he was supposed to be hers, he was supposed to be in love with her...how was that even possible? How could he love her? What about her could possibly invoke that kind of emotion in him? He was a good man, he was an excellent father, he was funny, clever, witty, innocent in his own child-like way, trusting, loyal...she was cruel, closed off, cold and bitter. They didn't belong together, they were just too different. He believed in magic and true love and fairytales and Santa Claus...she didn't.

A cup of steaming coffee was placed in front of her and she sipped at the hot liquid slowly and she cringed at the taste. She placed the cup down and glared at it, as if it was responsible for the pain she was feeling. Could she really just let him go? No, she didn't want to live without him, she couldn't live without him. She dropped some money on the table and took off back into the street. She hailed a cab and gave the address for Castle's loft. The cab ride gave her a little time to think about what she was going to say, she was going to get him back even if she had to fight for it. She was willing to take anything he had to throw at her, just as long as there was a chance that they might be able to mend the bridges they had crushed. She just needed him back in her life, forget about love and walls and everything that went along with it...she just needed her partner back...she needed her best friend.

But standing outside his building, she found she couldn't move. She had no right to be here, she shouldn't be here, she should be crying her eyes out in her apartment, suffering for the pain she had caused. But she couldn't walk away either. She pulled out her phone and called the all too familiar number. She heard it ring and she felt at least a little relief in that he hadn't turned his phone off.

"Castle." He answered with a fake cheer in his voice, he obviously hadn't looked at who was calling him.

"Hi Rick." She said quietly, gulping.

"Kate?" Up on the top floor, the writer stood up from his chair and smiled briefly before his face turned dark again. He was so happy to hear her voice that he had forgotten about everything that had transpired between them only a week ago. "What do you want, Beckett?" He asked coldly.

Kate shivered, not liking the way he had said her name. "I was...I was wondering if we could talk...please?"

Her voice was so quiet and shy that it broke his heart to say no, but he refused to go back, he refused to let himself become that pathetic helpless idiot again; not that he wasn't still pathetic. "I don't think so."

"No wait!" She called before he could hang up, and he couldn't stop himself from bring the phone back to his ear.

"Please Rick, I know what I did was wrong, I know I am a horrible person, but I want to fix that. I want to be better...please, I just..." Damn it, screw dignity and pride, what good was it anyway?"...I miss you, Rick...I miss you so much."

Locked away in his office, Rick was fighting back tears, he couldn't bear to hear her so weak and vulnerable like this. He missed her too, so much it hurt like hell, but it would hurt more to go back to her. "I'm sorry, Kate, I just can't." He hung up.

Standing in the street, just outside his building, the detective fought back tears. She clenched her jaw and bit her lip in the attempt to maintain control. She put her phone back in her pocket and slowly walked away, tearing the skin on her lip. She didn't even notice the taste of the blood as it leaked into her mouth. It would seal over soon anyway, just like it had last time. She wanted to scream and yell and throw her phone at the wall, but she was not in the security of her apartment, so she kept her violent impulses at bay. She wanted to run inside the building, run up the stairs and knock on his door until he let her in, she wanted to fix this and she wanted to fix it now. She had never been a very patient person and now it was driving her crazy. She would wait for him to forgive her, but first she needed to know that that was ever going to happen.

Why did she even bother, it wasn't like he should come back, once again she was just being selfish. He didn't want anything to do with her anymore, so she should just respect that and leave him alone. She forced herself to turn around and to go home, because there was nothing else that she could do.

Rick leaned against the window of his office, looking down at the brunette beauty walking away. Something had compelled him to look out the window after he had hung up on her, and he had been more than surprised to see her standing down on the street. She wasn't moving very quickly, he could still run down the stairs and catch up to her, or he could just call her back and tell her to come up to the loft. He wanted to hear her voice right next to him again, see her smile, hear her laugh, he wanted to hold her, kiss her...So if he wanted it so bad why was he still standing here?

It hurt so much what she had done, but just because it hurt like hell didn't mean that it had to be over. What if he just gave her another chance, maybe they could get through this, he could forgive her, not yet, but maybe...soon. Before he knew what he was doing, his phone was in his hand and he was calling her back. He was useless without her, he knew it was true. For the past week he had sat in front of his laptop, but he hadn't written a single word, because without her there were no words. She made him feel, she made him happy, she made him angry, she made him sad, these were all elements that he used in his stories. Maybe she was exactly what he needed, maybe this pain was supposed to help him write. His blue eyes shone through the glass, hoping he would see her pick up her phone.

When Kate heard her phone start ringing, she tried to suppress the burning hope in her heart, because it couldn't be who she wanted it to be. She didn't even look as she answered it, not willing to let herself break down yet when she saw it wasn't his name coming up on her screen.

"Beckett."

"Kate I..." But it was him, and when his voice met her ears her heart jumped into her throat.

"Yes?"

"...It's cold outside, why don't you come up to the loft."

Kate spun around and managed to make out a shape standing in his window, her heart beat faster as she let that hope fill her chest. "Ok." She ended the call and ran inside the building.

It was just breaking my heart, so I decided to let them have a little joy, this story is far from over though. So yeah, I lied about the drinking, I ended up deleting that part because it was just dragging it on and it wouldn't really work with these two trying to have a serious and meaningful conversation with major hangovers. Now I have some idea of where this is all going, but the story is pretty much writing itself. So let's see what happens between these two, shall we?