Chapter Three.

The dream. It's happening again. Only this time, the pain is more real. The screams he tries to shout are heard. Pain and agony is surrounding him and he can finally scream. He falls to the ground so much faster than before, his voice getting hoarse. Then suddenly his body is shaking and face is stinging and Cas is opening his eyes to a very concerned expression on Robert's face. He's saying something, but Cas can't hear him, all he hears is the blood rushing in his ears and his screams. He's being pulled up from the ground and the pain lessens a bit. Cas takes a deep shuddering breath and tries to focus on his surroundings.

Trees. Werewolf. Back. Pain. Robert. Pain.

Castiel pushes Robert off of him and rubs the tears out of his eyes. He can hear Robert babbling now.

"-kay? Clarence? You're scaring me. I got the shovel. Are you alright?"

Cas nods and stands up on shaky legs. "'m fine. Give me that," he says in a weak voice and grabs the shovel from Roberts hands.

It's more difficult than normal for Cas to dig the hole he needs. Every time he tries, his back aches, and Cas wants to scream again. He suddenly feels like crying.

Robert walks up to him slowly and takes the shovel out of Cas' now weak fingers. "Here. Let me do it. Please. You're in no condition to."

"But-"

Robert cuts off his protest with a hand. "Look. I just helped you kill a werewolf. A WEREWOLF. Let me do this before I think about it too much and drive myself insane. Besides, you'll just hurt your back more. Just stay there. I got this."

Cas begrudgingly nods. It doesn't take Robert long to dig the shallow grave and he soon pushes the beast in with the shovel and buries it. They burry Cas' shirt and the rest of his jacket with it too since he won't be needing it.

Robert helps Cas pack all the stuff up and they slowly head towards the house. The cops are still there. Cas nudges Robert to the back of the house and shakes his hand. Robert stares at him confused.

"I have to go. I can't be here when they start searching the place. Thank you for helping me tonight."

Robert shakes his head. "No, I'll come with you."

"But-"

"Nope. I'm coming. Besides I don't know if you're going to pass out or not."

"I'm not-"

"I don't care. And now that I know Werewolves are real, I need you to tell me about other monsters. Annnd you need someone to help you out."

Cas rolls his eyes. "I don't need help-"

"Says the guy that just almost had a panic attack. Look, I promise I won't get in the way. And- and I have some money! Not much, But I've been saving since I've been here. We can go rent a motel room! Come on, Please, Clarence. I really don't want you to go off on your own."

Cas stares at the ground, thinking. He knows it'd be better to have a partner. But what if he gets Robert killed? He's not looking to hunt, but he'll help if he's in the area. Cas sighs and stares at his hands.

"… It's Cas."

Robert looks confused. "What?"

"If… If you're going to come with… You should know my name. My name is Cas."

Robert nods. He smiles and puts a hand on Cas' shoulder. "It's nice to meet you Cas. Now let me go get my things. I'll be right back."

It's not long before they're walking side by side down the road to the nearest motel.

The days seem to pass in a blur for Castiel. He and Robert stay in the hotel for a few days before hustling enough money to hitch a ride out of Kansas. Or well, Robert hustles. Cas is aggravated by everyone's skill at bluffing. Must be something to do with him once being an angel.

Robert is cooking a hearty meal of Chicken Ramen Noodles when Cas comes through the door of their latest motel deep within the state of Nebraska. Cas flumps down onto a chair the motel provided, fighting off a wince at the sudden pressure on his back. He keeps trying to forget about that. He holds out the forty bucks he made that night wordlessly and Robert puts it in the Lock box they found while waiting for the water to boil.

"Bad night?" Robert asks, glancing at Cas.

Cas rolls his eyes. "Bad week. I seem to not be getting any better at lying."

Robert chuckles. "That's not necessarily a bad thing man. That's actually kind of admirable."

Cas grunts.

Placing the noodles in, Robert sits down next to Cas. It's the first night they've been on their own since arriving to Nebraska. Robert takes a deep breath and Cas knows exactly what is coming.

"So. What other kinds of monsters are there?" Ahh there it is.

Castiel Sighs. He opens his mouth, Ready to drone out a list but then blinks. "Anything you can think of," he says instead.

Robert simply nods, sitting back in his chair.

"Annnd do we know how to kill them?"

"Most of them. And if not, there are people we can call to find out."

Robert gets up to take the noodles off, preparing them in bowls. "People? So I guess there's like a club of secret monster hunters?"

Cas almost laughs. "Basically."

Cas refuses the soup as Robert sits back down with his own bowl.

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

Cas shrugs.

"Were you always by yourself? I've seen you sleep… I know you have nightmares."

Castiel looks away. "Don't ask about that."

They sit in silence for a while.

Castiel is thankful for it.

But of course he never gets to be happy.

"Who were they. The people you lost."

Dropping his head, Cas sighs, but figures he might as well be co-operative if they were to travel together. "Dean and Sam Winchester. And I didn't lose them.. Dean he- He moved on. They didn't need me anymore. Sam got hurt really bad and I… I did something by mistake and so I changed and I couldn't fix Sam. So Dean got rid of me."

It hurts so much more to say a loud. Human emotions are strange.

Robert nods, a look of curiosity in his eyes. Cas knows there's more questions.

"What- what did you do?"

Castiel gulps. He isn't if he should say this part. But why the hell not. He metaphorically throws caution to the wind and stares Robert in the eyes. "I let heaven fall. And because of that I almost let Sam get killed. I was an angel designed to serve and protect heaven and it's creations and I destroyed it."

Robert nearly drops the bowl. "Wait.. You're an- an angel?"

"Was. Metatron ripped out my grace and I fell with the rest of the angels."

"I don't want to believe you but.. well everything else you've said sounds true… and that werewolf…" Robert's eyes unfocused for a second but he quickly shakes his head, getting back on point. "And so this Dean guy told an angel to fuck off? Wow. He's going to hell."

"Cas cracks a sad smile. "He's already been. I gripped him tight and raised him from perdition. Dean and I have been through a lot together."

Robert looks unbelieving for a second. "You raised him from hell and he kicks you out!? Guy must be an asshole."

Cas looks to the ground, the smile now lost. "Dean is a great man. One of the purest souls I have ever seen. He just- His family has been through a lot and now without my grace, there isn't much I can do for him. He's already done so much for me already. I could never blame him for only doing what's logical. I was wasting space. Eating the food that should have been going to help strengthen Sam. It makes perfect sense."

Robert shakes his head. "No! You guys were friends, right? He shouldn't have kicked you out like that! That's really messed up. Did you ever ask him why he kicked you out?"

Cas is staring at Robert with a defeated expression. He needs to get out of here. Too many thoughts of Dean and falling.

"If you asked me, I'd say the guy is a bonified assh-"

"Shut up!" Cas is suddenly shouting, jumping up from his seat. His eyes are wild and body is shaking. If Robert didn't know any better, he'd say they guy was going to knife him.

"Don't talk about Dean Winchester that way. He is a righteous man. He did everything he could to help me. He spends every waking minute fighting off evil to save people like you. So you don't have the right to judge him."

Cas feels the tears prickling and storms over to the bed to grab his sweater and slams the door shut to the motel as he stomps across the parking lot. He regrets yelling at Robert, but not for defending Dean. Dean had his reasons, Cas knows this,. He wouldn't of kicked Cas out of the bunker unless he absolutely had too. He even paid for Cas's phone still.

Castiel Crouched in-between a space between the wall of the motel and a wooden fence, hind from the world. His arm is already shaking as he rolls his sleeve up. It's been days since his last cut and Cas is feeling the pull of his addiction. Thoughts of Dean swirl around his head as he pulls out his angel blade.

Dean could never love him. Not with all the wrong he's caused. Every single time Cas tries to help he always manages to fuck it up somehow. Fist his deal with Crowley, then the Leviathans, then his reigns as god, Sam's head, purgatory, trusting Metatron, heaven falling… He wasn't even sure why the Winchesters put up with him.

He barley felt the first cut so Cas made another and then another until he finally began to feel the sharp sting that he craved. If only Dean was to find him like this… Crying behind a building with his blood rolling down his arm, shaking. Dean would think he was pathetic. Just a 'Baby in a trench coat'.

Once his arm was littered with fresh cuts, was Cas able to breath properly. He sat there, watching the blood dry and wiped his tears. It took another ten minutes until he was able to roll his sleeve back down and stand up on shaking legs.

Making his way back to the motel room was another difficulty as his legs kept feeling like they were going to collapse.

When he arrived, Robert was still sitting in his chair, but something was in his hands.

Cas's cell phone.

When Cas walked in, Robert's eyes shot up to meet Cas', only to look back down, ashamed. "I-I wasn't snooping, I swear! But uh… well Dean called. He sounded really worried Cas. I don't think you know the whole story! I told him where we are and-"

"WHAT?" Cas's eyes bugged out of his skull and he ran forward to snatch his phone back. Sure enough there was an address attached to a text message under Dean's name. Cas threw his phone down and shook in a quiet rage. Robert tried to place a hand on his shoulder but Castiel flinched away. "Don't touch me," he growled. "The last thing I wanted was for Dean to see me like this and you just ruined everything! He's going to see how weak I am and-"

"Hey hey hey, you're not weak, you took down a werewolf! And-"

Cas turned around and pushed Robert away from him. He went to his bed, packing his things away and heaving his duffle bag onto his shoulder.

"Wait- wh- where are you going!? Dean said he was on his way!"

Cas huffs. "Exactly. I'm not going to be here when he gets here."

"Can't you just talk to him! Maybe he can give you that reason for why he kicked you out!"

Cas shook his head. "I know why! I messed up! I got Sam in danger! He didn't need me!"

"Then why did he sound like he was trying so desperately to find you?"

Cas shakes his head again, hating himself as he feels tears gather. "He didn't. If he really wanted to find me, he'd of called me sooner."

That's when Robert ducked his head. "Uhh actually, you didn't have your sim card in right. I uh… I was wondering what Dean looked like so I uhh I was looking through your phone and it told me there was no sim card so I looked and it was upside down. So I fixed it and that's when he started calling."

Cas tilts his head confused. "Sim card? I don't understand."

"Cas, look at your phone, the missed calls."

Cas does and gasps. There are over eighty missed calls and about two hundred messages. All within the course of a few months.

"I-I I still don't understand…"

Robert, places his hand on Cas's shoulder and this time Cas doesn't flinch away. "It means he was looking for you dude. I say you should at least stay and talk to him. And if you don't like what he has to say, then leave. No one is saying you have to go back with him."

Cas is already nodding, sitting on his bed. He's scrolling through the messages, eyes unbelieving.

'Cas where are you man? Are you okay? I'd really like to talk to you.'

'Hey it's been a few days. I've tried calling.. You okay man?'

'Cas…'

'Look if you're mad at me I understand but please man, let me know you're all right.'

'Cas.'

'Castiel.'

'This really isn't funny Cas. We lost Kevin… I don't know what to do, I could really hear from you right now.'

'Cas please. You could just call and hang up. Send me a blank message. ANYTHING.'

'This silence is deafening…'

'I'm sorry Cas, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have ever let you leave the bunker. I was so mean to you. You didn't deserve that, after everything you did for us. Did for me. You gave up heaven to be with me. Cas I'm sorry. Please talk to me. Please.'

'Hope you're doing alright.'

'Cas.'

Castiel is crying as he holds his phone with shaking fingers. He did it again. He put Dean through needless suffering. Cas is trembling so much he can no longer read the messages and drops the phone. Robert helps him lie down on his side before he falls over. It's shameful, Cas thinks, that Robert has to see him like this but it seems the more Cas tries to stop crying, the faster the tears fall.

Robert hovers awkwardly and pulls some covers over Cas, petting his head to calm him down. Eventually the tears do stop and Cas is left as a shuddering, wet mess, clinging to the blanket as a life line.

"H-hey… Are uh… are you okay now?" Robert asks hesitantly, glancing unsure at Cas.

Cas nods his head in a jerky motion and bites his lip. "Yeah… Yeah I'm fine. I'll… I'll stay. Until dean gets here," he says, his voice barely above a whisper and rough around the edges.

Robert nods and wishes Cas a good night. But Cas doesn't sleep that night.