Chapter Four.
The morning was filled with silence.
Before Robert woke up, Cas got up to change the bandages on his back and to check on his cuts he made the night before. Nothing looked infected so he left them alone, slipping his sweater back on making sure to grab his phone, Cas quietly crept out of the motel room.
It was peaceful in the mornings, without all the distractions of the world getting in the way. Cas tossed his phone in the air as he walked around the town, not exactly sure what he should do. He was tempted to call Dean, but then what. Tell him he's sorry he was too stupid to notice the sim card was in wrong?
Cas kicked at the ground. Dean would think of him pathetic if he saw him this way. Cas longed for his flight suddenly. If only he could fly away, avoid his feelings for Dean as he had always done. When you always had the option to escape, confronting things were so much easier.
Staring at the morning birds take off, Cas sighed. At least he would have his memories.
Cas wasn't sure for how long he walked but eventually his back began to ache and his head pounded from exhaustion. He looked at the world around him and sighed. He'd never truly belong here. Not really. He was just a broken angel stuck in a stolen body. Strangely enough, the one thing Cas wants most right now is his old ratty trench coat.
He returned to the motel room, collapsing on his bed onto his side with a sigh. Robert was already up, reading a book he had took from the shelter.
Robert hesitantly looked up at Cas. "Are you still mad at me…?"
Cas sighs again and shuts his eyes, rubbing at his temple. A move so human it surprised him even though he's been human for months now. "No... I can't keep running from everything… although…" Cas looked up at Robert. "Please do refrain from searching through my phone again."
Robert smiles. "Sure thing! Sorry again."
Cas nods and curls under his blanket, feeling drained from all the emotions coursing through him all night. Just on the brink of sleep, his phone gives out a loud shrill as an engine rumbles outside. Castiel sits up immediately, staring terrified eyes at the door.
Robert looks out the window and looks back at Cas. "A red Toyota?"
Cas sighs and falls back on the bed. "No…"
His phone keeps ringing.
Pulling it from his pocket, Cas sees that even though Dean is not outside, he is indeed calling. Biting his lip again, Cas glances back at Robert. "Could- could you… I can't answer it…"
Robert gives Cas a sympathetic look that crawls underneath Cas's skin and grabs the phone from him.
Robert stares at Cas a moment longer and then answers it, putting it on speaker phone.
"Cas? Cas is this you?" Cas fights in the gasp as Dean's voice fills the air. He feels goosebumps rise on his skin and stares at the phone intensely.
"Uh-uhh n-no. It's just me. Robert again Cas is uh he's sleeping."
There's a moment of silence before Dean speaks again. "Oh. Uhh okay. So I'm about twenty minutes away. I just… I just really wanted to talk to Cas but I guess if he's sleeping I can… I can talk to him later…"
Cas moves to the edge of his bed making quick hand motions for Robert to keep Dean on the phone.
"A-Are you sure? I could.. Uhh I could give you… directions?"
"Uhm that's okay. Rob- Robert? That's okay. I'll just see him when I get there-"
"No!"
Robert stares at Cas and Cas gasps, covering his mouth.
The line is silent only for a moment.
"…Cas? Was that you?"
Cas shakes his head no, no more sound coming from his mouth.
"Cas, I know that was you. Come on man, just talk to me already."
Robert jumps in finally, watching Cas closely. "Uhh n-no that wasn't Cas. That was the- the TV. S-Sorry. He's still asleep."
Cas hears Dean sigh over the phone's crackled speaker. "Right… Well when he wakes up, tell Cas that I miss him. And I'm sorry for what I did."
With that the line goes dead and a little piece of Cas's heart falls off. He could really do with that trench coat right about now.
Twenty minutes went by much faster than one would think. The rumble of the Impala is unmistakable and Cas suddenly feels ashamed for confusing it for that truck earlier.
Robert looks at Cas in question and looks out the window. Before he has a chance to say what vehicle it is, Cas simply says "It's him," and then proceeds to stand awkwardly in the middle of the room.
Heavy boots approach the door which is then followed by three heavy knocks.
Cas is frozen.
Robert looks between Cas and the door and sighs, going to get it. More knocks are heard as Robert opens it.
Dean stands there with his arm still raised from knocking. His eyes immediately meet Cas's.
Robert quickly steps aside to let Dean in as he pushes past him, headed straight for the broken angel. Castiel is still frozen, staring at Dean.
He stops right in front of Cas and Cas doesn't know what to expect. They stare into each other's eyes for a few moments until suddenly Cas is being wrapped up in Dean's arms.
Dean holds Castiel's face in his neck and lets out a shuddering breath. "Cas…," he breath out and holds Cas tighter. Cas is shocked but is overcome with emotion and grabs onto the back of Dean's jacket tightly, letting Dean's hands guide him to him.
When Dean starts mumbling Cas's name is when he breaks. Cas sags against Dean, feeling his tears rush out in huge waves. Dean just holds him, humming quietly in his ear.
Cas isn't sure for how long he stays in Dean's arms but at some point Robert has left and Dean has migrated them to sit on the floor, Cas all but crawling into his lap to be close to him.
Cas sits up, wiping fiercely at his eyes, which are now bloodshot and red, and stares at the floor, sitting next to Dean. "I'm sorry Dean. I don't- I don't know why I started crying."
Dean laughs, but it sounds more broken that joyous. "It's alright Cas. Just part of being human."
Cas picks nervously at the edges of his sleeves on his sweater and looks anywhere but at Dean.
"Cas… You know I didn't want to give you the boot, right?"
Cas nods mutely.
"Cas really." Dean lifts Cas's head up, making him meet his eyes. "Really. I know now it was a mistake. That's why I was trying to get a hold of you."
Cas nods again. "I know Dean… but it doesn't change the fact that everything is my fault."
"Wait- what?"
Castiel sighs and stands up, walking away from Dean and wrapping his arms around himself. "I'm of no use to you anymore, Dean. I know that now. I don't have my grace anymore. I feel pain. I'm … I'm human. I… I understand, Dean. I really do."
Cas is being turned around and Dean keeps his hands on his shoulders as he looks at him. "Cas, that's not true at all. What happened to you out here? Why are you so…"
"Pathetic?" Cas supplies.
Dean shakes his head. "Defeated."
"That happened a long time ago, Dean."
That's when Dean finally looks at Castiel. Really looks at him. For once looking past the dark circles and tired eyes. But at the missing spark and broken soul. Dean smiles a broken smile and drops his hands to hold Cas's.
"I know. I was there. Sorry it took me so long to get my head out of my ass to notice though."
Cas laughs weakly. "It's okay."
Dean sighs and pulls away from Cas, looking around the room. "Not bad for a motel. How long have you been here?"
"About two days." Cas sits in a chair, still careful of his back.
"So." Dean turns towards Cas, pulling the other chair opposite of Cas and sitting in it. "Why were you ignoring me?"
Cas flushes pink lightly and looks down at the floor.
"I uhh.. well Robert informed me that I had put the sim card in upside down and that's why I didn't get any of your texts or calls. I wasn't aware you were trying to contact me."
Dean looks scandalized. "You think I'd just kick you out and then not keep tabs on you?"
At Cas's silence, Dean shakes his head. "Cas. I will always make sure you're okay. I already told you, kicking you out of the bunker was a bad idea. I don't care that you're human now. You're still my best friend and I'm not going to let you get killed too just because I'm being a jackass that week."
"I'm sorry about Kevin…"
Cas winced at Dean's gasp. "You know about that, huh?"
"Well you texted me about it… Once I fixed the phone, all of your messages came through."
Dean nods, not looking at Cas. "Things have really gone to shit man. I made a mistake. And it cost Kevin his life and possibly my brother's."
Just then Robert stumbles back into the room, carrying groceries in his arms. He comes in smiling, but it drops at the tension in the room. "Uhhh I can just leave these here…"
Dean jumps up and helps pull them off of the man's skinny arms. "No! That's okay. I never got to officially meet you. I'm Dean. And I'm guessing you're Robert?"
He nods, shaking Dean's hand.
"Thanks for taking care of Cas for me, lord knows he can't take care of himself."
Hurt rings clear throughout Cas's body at the statement but he keeps his mouth shut at Dean's laughter.
Robert stammers and looks slightly embarrassed. "Well actually… Cas kind of saved me… I just kept an eye on him afterwards."
At Dean's confusion, Cas approaches their little group and explains the werewolf. Dean looks mildly impressed and Cas hates himself for the feeling of excitement at it being directed at himself.
But Dean's look soon turns to worry when he finds out about the wound on his back. "Cas, what? Let me see. Are you okay?"
Cas backs away when Dean walks closer to him. "Dean, I'm fine. It's already healing up, just leave it alone."
Dean still approaches though until Cas is against a wall, nowhere else to go. Robert stand by the little table, looking uncomfortable.
"Dean, please. I don't want you to see…," Cas says quietly, not looking at Dean and gripping his arms tight.
Dean looks more concerned and goes to touch Cas's shoulder, but the man flinches away, into the wall. "Cas, please? Just your back. Is it that you don't want to take your shirt off? Or are you ashamed at getting hurt? Dude you fought off a werewolf and survived. That's pretty badass. I just want to take a look and make sure everything is okay. Please?"
Cas looks conflicted and bites his lip. On one hand, he knows Dean will only get more suspicious the more he fights. On the other, there's no way Castiel can ever let Dean know about his other activities. Dean nudges Cas's shoulder, pulling him from his thoughts and Cas knows he could never truly say no. But at least he can control what Dean sees.
He nods his head and turns around and shivers at Dean's warm fingers gently lifting up the soft fabric of his sweater and loos t-shirt underneath. When Dean tries to take the whole thing off, Cas shakes his head and crosses his arms tighter around himself so Dean can't. The other sighs and holds it up instead.
His fingers skirt over the awkwardly wrapped bandages and finds the tie, undoing them. Cas watches as the off white material falls on the ground. He helps hold his shirt up so Dean can use both hands to inspect the wound.
"These aren't too bad," Dean says, suddenly a lot closer to Cas than he remembered. A hand runs gently up Cas's back and along the cuts, Cas shivers and fights off a whimper wanting to escape his mouth.
"These aren't sewn closed the best but it'll do. I think before we leave though, I'd feel safer if you let me resew them up. We don't have to break them open or anything, I just want to pop them and redo it. Maybe two or three stitches on each wound. It's gonna hurt a bit though," Dean smiles ruefully, "but nothing a little whisky can't help."
Cas chuckles and turns around, dropping his shirt. "That sounds fi-," He's stopped by how close dean is standing. How could he not feel the heat off of Dean on his back when he can feel it so powerful now? Their noses bump and Cas stares intensely at Dean, suddenly unable to move.
Dean grins.
"You're staring again, Cas."
Cas nods and unconsciously licks his lips. With Dean so close, he can smell the beer on his breath and the hint of old leather from the impala. These are the smells Cas wants to drown In forever. He wants to soak up everything Dean would give him and stay suspended in it for the rest of his life. Cas is pretty sure Dean is staring at his lips and Cas feels himself lean forward but a tad closer to where their noses pass each other and Cas can feel Dean's breath on his lips. The feeling is euphoric. Has Dean's eyes always been so green?
A clearing of the throat snaps them out of it, and Dean jumps back laughing nervously. Cas looks away, feeling ashamed and oddly used.
"Uhh Do you guys want me to step out a bit? Or do you mind if I start dinner," Robert asks, looking guilty at Cas, but Cas doesn't notice. He's too lost in his own thoughts.
Dean urges him to stay, barley casting Cas a glance and Cas feels a sickening dread drop in his stomach. He has to get out of here. Away from Dean, from Robert, from these feeling plaguing him… He needs to clear his mind the only way he knows how.
Cas pats his leg to make sure the angel blade is still there and ignores the two as he suddenly is heading towards the door. He hears Dean call after him, but his head is getting too heavy to process words. Cas half-heartedly mumbles out "I'm going out. I'll be back later." before he slams the door shut behind him and takes off at a run.