Chapter Five.
Cas runs into the very sad excuse for woods until he's gasping for breath. He falls to the ground and grips his chest. Dean almost kissed him. Cas feels warmth spread inside him at the thought. But what if he was over exaggerating things? Dean had jumped back when Robert had interrupted. Did he just feel bad for Cas? Cas replays Dean's earlier comment in his head, feeling the tears well up.
He can't take care of himself.
No. Dean couldn't share his feelings for him. Dean must have just felt sorry for him. Cas curses at himself for ever thinking Dean Winchester could like him and shivers as the tears fall down, making the wind bite his cheeks. Cas draws out his knife, rolling up his sleeve like ha has a thousand times before since becoming human.
He could never let Dean find him like this. Could never let Dean know. Cas makes a gash, letting a sob come out when it doesn't help. He should be worried about him having to cut more and more each time, but it must just be a side effect of being broken. He cries so easily now than he did when he was an angel. Cas makes another cut, swallowing the tears that fall down his lips. It takes two more before he's finally able to feel the slight sting in his arm, blood leaving freezing trails behind. He does one more to make sure the painful numbness stays and lays on the ground, curled up and crying.
There's more blood than usual, but enough to be particularly worried about. Cas feels safe here, surrounded by what makes him, him. He suddenly aches for his trench coat again. He seems to be thinking of it more and more lately. Maybe he'll convince Robert to drive him to a store to purchase one. It's not surprising when Cas falls asleep.
He must have been there for hours because when Cas wakes from his cold sweat he feels as if every bone in his body is frozen stiff. His arm isn't bleeding anymore, but the blood crusting there is dirty and sending painful jolts when he tries to move. It takes a couple of tries to sit up properly, and Cas winces at the full body shiver that runs through him. He doesn't try to stand up though. Just sits there, admiring the dark sky, mostly covered by trees. He feels at peace with the slow steady throbbing in his arm keeping the thoughts in his head at bay.
It's not until he hears shouting that Cas notices how cold he really is. Dean and Roberts voices are heard clearly through the night, cutting through the silence in search of him. Cas barely gets his sleeve back down without shuddering. STANDING takes more effort than he's willing to admit and reinserting his angel blade into his leg pocket is nearly impossible. Yet somehow he manages it all and staggers towards the motel.
…If he could remember where it was…
Cas feels dread fill him again and swings his head around frantically. Feeling his heart race, Cas grabs his arm tightly, giving it a squeeze which shoots a sharp pain up his arm and into his head, calling him down. Cas can breathe easier again.
He can hear Dean and Robert still shouting, so he slowly staggers in their direction. He can't feel his feet and his hands actually sort of burn for some odd reason. The tear tracks on his face are long gone now only leaving dirt to show where they were.
"CAS! Where are you!?"
That was Dean. Cas tries to call out but his voice is still hoarse from crying. Instead he keeps walking, being careful not to trip over anything. A hard thing to do in the dark, even with the moon out tonight.
The voices get louder and Castiel seems to shake more. He can't control the full body shivers that overcome him. There isn't one piece of him that doesn't feel frozen.
Every step he takes is agony and Cas feels scared as he gets closer and closer to no longer being able to move. He tries to call out again but only a weak, rough call of Dean's name comes out. There's no way he heard that.
Cas collapses on the ground feeling defeated. Dean was right it seems. He really can't take care of himself. He only came out here to clear his head and now he's left waiting for Dean to find him, but a helpless child waiting for their parents to save them.
He calls out one more time, a little louder, and feels the tears fall again. He's so pathetic. How was Cas supposed to fix heaven when he can't even call for help.
A light passes over him, temporarily blinding him, and Cas freezes. Was that Dean? He tries to call out again and can't help the feeling of hope when Dean calls back. The light sweeps over him again and comes back, stopping on him. Cas can't see anything beyond it but he's sure it's Dean when the smell of leather and immense warmth is suddenly wrapped around him. Dean is saying something, but Cas can't hear him over the sudden ringing that's filled his ears. His arms are shoved through pockets of warmth that takes Cas a minute to realize is Dean's jacket. He gasps when he is lifted off the ground and held against Dean who is like a walking furnace at the moment. Cas can still hardly move and lets his head flop against Dean's chest as he is carried through the forest. He falls into a dazed state, going in and out of consciousness.
It's only when the lights are too bright that Cas notices they've made it to the motel room. Dean is still talking but it's to Robert who is staring at Cas like he might cry. Why would he cry?
Cas gasps when he's put on the bed and Dean is taking off his shoes. Pain shoots up his legs and Cas can't help the shout of pain come out. His hearing, though muffled, seems to be returning slightly.
"Sorry, Cas! But we gotta get these off. What were you even doing out there!? You could've froze to death! It's damn near negative fifteen degrees!" Dean sits Cas up and takes the jacket back off of him and Cas suddenly misses the warmth. When he tries to pull at the sweater, Cas has enough control to bat weakly at his hands. Dean relents and goes to pulling his pants off, only side glancing the still bloodied angel blade that falls out.
Robert comes in saying something about a bath and Cas is hauled up back into Dean's arms in only a sweater, this shirt, and his boxers and carried into the bathroom. Cas doesn't understand what's happening but when he's dropped carefully into the cold water, Cas yelps again, throat feeling raw, and clutches at Dean's arms.
"Cas, Cas, it's okay. I promise, it's okay," Dean seems to be saying. Cas can feel his self-trembling, the water stinging his back where it soaks through his shirt but while focusing on Dean's words, he's distracted enough for Dean to be able to get Castiel fully into the tub.
It's not as cold as it was originally but Cas still shivers, wincing when his arms and head are shoved underwater for a few seconds.
When he comes back up he gasps for breath, still trying to cling to Dean.
"Cas," Dean seems to be saying. "Cas trust me. You're too cold, this will help just please work with me. Come on, Cas, you can let go. Just relax. I'll warm it up once you stop shaking so bad but you gotta relax."
Cas hears himself whimper as Dean pries his frozen fingers off of his arm. Dan moves a hand up to Cas's head to hold him steady and Cas can't help but lean back into it. Listening to Dean's voice soothes him like no other and Cas is finally sinking into the tub. He can feel the chill in his bones lessen slightly. His teeth stop chattering and his feet don't hurt so bad.
Dean sighs and starts to get up but Cas jerks towards him, a whine at his lips, and grabs Dean's shirt. Dean sighs again and sits back down. Looking to Robert Dean gestures towards the bigger room. "Can you go make him something warm to drink? Like hot chocolate or something? I know I saw some stuff for it in there, I'd do it but it looks like he isn't going to let me leave."
Robert nods and all but runs from the room.
It's quiet except for Cas's occasional shiver and shallow breathing. Dean reaches over to pour just a bit more hot water into the tub, making Cas sigh and lay back a little more than the tub should physically allow.
Cas looks at Dean, watching him sitting there and feels guilty.
In a tired and weak voice, Cas says, "you can go if you want to."
Dean jumps at the sudden noise and looks over at Cas. "Hmmm no. I'm fine."
"R-really Dean. It's fine. You're probably tired. I just make the water warmer when I get cold right?"
Dean shakes his head smiling and crosses his arms on the tub, laying his head on them and dips a few fingers in the water. "Not exactly. But it doesn't matter. I'm not leaving."
"But-"
Dean cuts him off with a look. "But nothing. You're hurt and I'm not leaving. That's final."
But then a look of insecurity crosses Dean's features and Cas feels horrible for putting it there. "Unless... Unless you want me to go-"
Before Dean has a chance to finish Cas is sitting up and shaking his head vigorously. "No! No i-i don't want you to leave. But... But I'm not forcing you to stay either." He lays back feeling embarrassed. "It's really just up to you."
Dean looks relieved and flicks some water up, looking at Cas. "Then I guess I'm staying."
They sit in silence until Robert returns with a mug of hot chocolate. Handing it to Cas, Cas smiles and sniffs it. "Thank you Robert." He takes a hesitant sip, eyes widening as he does.
Dean sits up more. "What is it Cas?"
Cas almost moans and tips his head back to chug the drink down. When done he sighs and wipes his mouth off. "Nothing is wrong. This was just very good. I think next time I'd like to try it with a burger."
Dean barks out a laugh and Cas feels warmed by it.
"Alright Cas. Anything you want."
The three sit in the room quietly chatting, carefully avoiding any accusations towards Cas. It seems to be unspoken that the topic won't be mentioned until the next day.
About an hour later Robert announces he'll be going to bed and Dean and Cas bid him goodnight. Dean drains the tub and Cas looks at him in confusion as his shuddering comes back in full.
Dean smiles and ruffles Cas's damp hair. "Calm down. I'm only going to refill it with some warmer water. Don't want you getting pneumonia."
Cas nods and pulls his knees to his body self-consciously as what Little clothes he's wearing seem to want to cling to every crevice of his body.
Castiel finds it interesting how as an Angel he didn't once feel self-conscious, but as a human he feels it in his soul every second of every day. He wonders if Dean ever gets like that. With a body like his, Cas can hardly imagine it. Especially with all the woman Dean seems to sleep with.
Dean cleared his throat, and Cas knew he was staring again.
"Sorry," he mumbles, half hiding his face from the cold and his embarrassment in his knees.
Now Dean is the one staring.
"You know, you're different. Than when you left the bunker."
Cas Tightens his arms. "A lot has happened since then." Yeah like the fact that I harm myself to feel less terrible, he thinks bitterly.
Dean starts filling the tub with much warmer water than before and Cas can feel the cold melting from his toes.
"Well," he says. "Tell me about it."
Cas looks up at him like he's grown a second head.
"Look Cas, I'm not going to force you, but you know... I am your friend so I'm here to listen. I know I can be a jackass at times but... I'm trying to fix that, okay? So if something is wrong, don't hesitate to talk to me. I'm not good at the chick flick crap but that doesn't mean I can't try."
Castiel can't believe half of the words coming from Dean's mouth. If he wasn't looking so uncomfortable yet sincere, a look only a human Dean could achieve, then Cas would assume he's not really Dean.
As the water fills up, Cas sits there staring at Dean. Finally he replies, "okay," in a whisper.
Dean nods and turns off the water once it reaches Cas's chin.
"Feeling better?" He asks
Castiel nods.
"I feel guilty."
They're both shocked by Cas's words. But Cas can no longer control what is coming from his mouth and looks down, letting himself speak.
"I feel guilty for letting Metatron manipulate me. And then for letting all the Angels fall. And for putting you and Sam in danger. I thought you had hated me but then you took me in and helped me out only to throw me back out again so I thought I had not only messed up being an Angel, but also being a human as well but then you show up here apologizing and telling me that I didn't do anything and so now mostly I just feel depressed and confused. And I don't know what to do about it. I didn't have these kind of problems when I was an Angel." Cas takes a deep breath and glances up at Dean only to find him staring. Cas tries to look away but as Dean comes to sit next to him, he can't take his eyes away.
Cas squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face more from Dean's view. "I'm sorry," he mumbles.
There's a hand in his hair, combing through the wet locks. "You need a hair cut."
Cas peeks over his knees at Dean. "What?"
"Well you want to learn how to be better at being human? We could start off by getting a haircut. We can go get you one tomorrow."
"A haircut? Really Dean?"
"Yeah really, a haircut. I can't help with the guilt part, but I know how to be human."
Cas smiles, leaning into Dean's hand. "Where will we go to get my hair cut?"
Dean smiles back and continues to brush through Cas's hair, glad that the shaking has stopped. "Probably a mall would be the closest place. Why?"
Cas is suddenly shy again and doesn't meet Dean's eyes. "Nothing. Just wondering." He'll ask tomorrow.
Dean eyes Cas but nods, and stands up. "Well you should probably wash yourself but other than that I think you'll be okay. I'm going to step out. Just shout if you need anything. I'll set some clothes for you by the door."
Cas nods his thanks and after Dean leaves he strips and cleans himself, taking special care of the new cuts he made. He would regret them but without, he and Dean would not have shared that moment. But was that a moment? Or was Dean just being a friend.
It didn't take long for Cas to wash and once he was done, he reached over to pull the plug and stood on shaky legs, being careful not to fall when climbing out.
Cas opens the bathroom door, sticking his head out and sees Dean on the phone facing the other direction. On the floor is a pile of clothes that look like his so he pulls them in.
A sweater, boxers, sweat pants, and... and Dean's jacket. Cas smiles. He slips everything on easily enough and breaths in the smells of Dean's jacket again before walking out of the bathroom. He's pleasantly warm after the bath and being under all those layers.
Dean's back is turned from him, still on the phone. As Cas walks up to him, he can catch Dean's bits of the conversation.
"Yeah. I know. No, He's alright, Sammy. Yes. Yes I stayed with him. I don't know. Yeah. Alright. I'm not buying crap, Sam. Okay. Yeah yeah- Shut up! Okay okay." Dean catches Cas's eye and winks. Cas looks away, hoping Dean doesn't catch his blush. "Hey Sam- Sam I- Sam! Yeah, Cas is out, I gotta go. Yeah. Yes. I will! You're not my mom! Yes! By- No Sam, Bye." Dean hangs up the phone before Sam has a chance to get in another word. He rubs the back of his neck and Cas pulls the jacket a little tighter around him. "Sam says hi. He was kind of worried."
Cas nods. "Tell him I said Hello."
Dean nods and swings an arm around Cas's shoulders. "Do you want to take a walk?"