Underneath The Surface, Chapter 14
Underneath The Surface, Chapter 14
Agonizing Tide
**Authors Note: The first paragraph is only a reminder of where I left all of you, my dear readers, dangling. I should warn you, this chapter is a difficult one, and if you are a victim of abuse, you may not want to read this one. If you choose to skip over it, know that I understand. For those of you who are wondering how I could write such a horrible thing into Emma's past, I did it to explain a large part of Emma. I don't think it is outside the realm of reality, as a good friend of mine had experiences very similar to what I've written. Unfortunately, this kind of abuse and the psyche's reaction to it is all too common.
Please let me know what you think. I find that I write faster with feedback!**
Her feet carried her further down the stairs and the bulb swung more wildly, throwing her shadow around the stairwell.
Emma...you know why you need to do this...you know I won't hurt you...
In the back of her mind, Emma knew the voice lied. She knew what waited for her down there.
When she was nearly at the bottom, the light sputtered and swung more wildly. She felt the little hairs on her arms all stand up and no matter how warm the flannel was, she grew colder and colder.
But try as she might, she could not stop her downward descent.
The light went out for a few seconds, coming back to life suddenly in a blinding flash. Emma was momentarily relieved until she saw the pale face at the bottom of the stairs, peeking around the corner at her with a wide, evil smile.
She screamed for all she was worth.
And now, the continuation...
Emma...
Emma...
"Emma! Wake up!"
Emma jolted awake, panting and pale.
Regina was holding both her hands and peering at her with a frightened look. "Emma, are you okay? It's over now."
Emma shook her head and denied it in a small voice. "It'll never be over."
Regina released her hands, but pulled her into her arms. She stroked her hair, trying to soothe the frightened and fragile tone away. "Whatever it was, it's gone now. I'm here. You're safe now..."
And that was it. Emma's heart broke all over again.
She remembered with sharp clarity the nightmare that wasn't, and how she had felt going down into that basement against her will, but her feet always carried her there, following some other command, other than her own. She felt her tears slip down her cheeks, silently at first, but a crushing pain in her chest began to bubble up inside her. When it burst out of her, it came with a great, wet sob. She wept for the little girl that she had been, but was never truly allowed to just...be. She wept for all the pain she had felt, the horror she had been witness to and she wept for the memories she would forever be haunted by.
She leaned into Regina, fell against her really, and wrapped her pale fingers in Regina's shirt, shaken to the core by the memories she did not want. She would never get that gruesome face out of her mind. The pale, leering, expecting face that knew exactly what was in store for the little girl.
The little girl that should have been surrounded by love and forests, and learning the ways of the court. Not terrified by a monster that used her for its entertainment and giddy pleasures.
The adult sobbed because she felt everything all over again, so fresh and crystalline that she was reliving every second of her twelve year old horror.
Regina simply held her, stroked her back and her hair and waited for her pain to ebb like some agonizing tide.
It took time, but in the end, Emma's tears slowed and her sobs turned to hiccup laden hitches. She straightened and scrubbed the tears from her face with the heel of her hand, embarrassed that she'd fallen apart again.
"Thank you...I don't know what's come over me."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Emma's head whipped back and forth and her eyes nearly bugged out. "No! I mean...I can't. It's too..."
Regina put out a hand. "It's all right. You don't have to. I understand."
"No offence, Regina, but you can never understand, because to understand that, you would have had to have lived it, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone." Emma tried for a regretful tone, but she bolted for the bathroom, slammed the door and spent the next few minutes throwing up her lunch.
Regina went to the door when she heard Emma retching. She stood there for a minute debating with herself. Did she go in and hold her hair, try to be a friend? Or should she stay on this side of the door and give Emma space? On one hand, if it had been her, she would have preferred her privacy. Being ill was, after all, an intensely personal act. On the other hand, Emma was not Regina and had spent the last 29 years of her life doing things for herself alone.
Regina took a deep breath, turned the knob and went to hold blonde tresses back from the toilet bowl.
To her surprise, Emma didn't refuse the help, or the cool cloth she handed her a little while later. When Emma straightened up and sat back against the door-jam, Regina wrapped her hands around her own forearms and sat on the side of the tub. "I didn't think you should be alone. Leaving you to your space was not what you need. You've spent enough years being alone."
Emma nodded slowly. "You're right. Thank you."
They stayed like that for a minute more before Regina stood. "I'll let you brush your teeth. Would you like help off the floor?"
Emma nodded and Regina held out a hand. When Emma was on her feet, Regina rested her hand on one of Emma's shoulders. "I may not truly understand, but I am a good listener, despite what our history may dictate."
Regina stepped past Emma and closed the bathroom door gently behind her.
When Emma had washed her face and brushed her teeth, she came out into the room again and sat on the bed with her back to Regina. She sat very still, hands in her lap, gaze on the wooden floor beneath her feet. "One of the homes I spent time in...I was twelve I guess, it started out okay at first, but then...he started creeping me out. He would put my lunch together for school, and he'd leave me notes in the lunch bag, telling me I was his special girl, and that he loved me. They never felt right to me. He got me this night gown, it was pink and white, asked me to wear it. He still hadn't done anything I could report him for, but I wanted to keep everyone happy, so I didn't have to go back to the orphanage, you know?"
Regina could say nothing, she watched Emma's back, sure that she knew what was coming.
"One night, when we were watching t.v, he got up and went down the basement, leaving me alone in the living room. After a while, I heard him calling to me. Not loud or anything, kind of mocking, kind of ... softly. I went to the top of the basement stairs and he was still calling me. I didn't want to go down there, my gut told me it was a bad idea, even at that age, I knew to trust my gut. But it was like my feet weren't working right, I don't know why. As long as he called my name, I went down those damn stairs. I couldn't help myself. I was almost at the bottom when he peeked around the corner and wiggled his finger at me and grinned. I told him I didn't want to...but he chuckled and said he had something he wanted to show me...a surprise."
Regina felt her chest grow tight and she put a hand over her own mouth to hold back the gasp.
"He took my hand and led me around the corner. The lights were weird, dimmer, but a different color, you know? There were other people there, wearing robes and masks. He told me they were going to put on a play, just for me, and gave me a drink. I still remember the cup. It was a pink juice cup, plastic, like a toddler would use. I drained the cup like he told me to, it was apple juice. Then he had me sit down on a chair while the others stood around watching me. It was creepy and made me feel weird, but then I started getting sleepy. I know I fell asleep, but... I woke up once... I couldn't move my arms...there was someone moving above me and I hurt so much..."
Regina bit her hand to keep in the sob. She knew exactly what young Emma had been subjected to. She scooted closer to Emma, sat behind her and wrapped her arms around the shattered Sheriff. She rested the side of her face against Emma's back and wept silently.
"Emma, I understand now, so much. Now I understand why you spent so much of your life running, I get it. Why you don't trust, why you don't really care for apple juice...even why you don't like pink. I understand."
Emma inhaled deeply, relieved she had finally told someone. "Yeah, I guess it does explain those things. When he was busted for drugs a few months after that, I was so relieved. I never told anyone, but going back to the orphanage was just such a Godsend, you know?"
Regina raised her head off of Emma's back but kept her arms loosely clasped around her. "Wait, you've never told anyone this? For seventeen years? And it went on for months?"
She felt Emma nod.
Regina continued. "You know you were drugged, most likely hypnotized too. You know none of that was your fault, none of that was right. Do you think you were..."
Emma shook her head and put her hands over Regina's. "No, I doubt I was the first. Looking back, it seems too well thought out. But I don't know what happened after I was taken away. I never looked. For a long time I wanted to kill him. A part of me still does I guess."
"I know I certainly do." Regina mumbled. "He'll need all sorts of Divine help if I ever find him while I have magic in my veins!"
Emma smiled sadly at the support and took all the comfort she could from the feel of Regina's fingers weaving between her own.
They sat that way for a long time, both of them silent, Regina offering comfort and safety, and Emma soaking it up like a sea sponge left dry after the tide went out.
TBC