Underneath The Surface, Chapter 18

Ocean of Emptiness

Once they had their pie and coffee in front them, Emma wet her lips and spoke so quietly that Regina had to focus to hear her.

"I've survived all that I have by learning to compartmentalize. Put aside the tough stuff for later. But this time, with these memories, I can't seem to do that. We have to focus on getting home, I don't have time for this."

"I suspect that these memories may have affected you more than you want to admit to." Regina replied quietly. "It has been my experience that if an event is traumatic enough to change how we respond to the world around us, the event will also change us, for better or worse. You cannot deny that your time in that household affected you, and yet, that's exactly what you've been doing. One of the things we have in common is that we have both been shaped by our experiences. We are the sum of our pasts. The things we are hiding from are the things which bother us the most. You need to come to terms with what you experienced in that home, but I can't tell you how to do that. I can only be here for you. You need to let yourself feel, and stop denying the pain. Stop telling yourself it will be fine if you ignore it, because as long as you do, you will never heal." Regina squeezed Emma's hand as she continued in a low voice. "I know this isn't easy, and I know you feel very alone. But remember, I'm here for you.

I know why you run. I will hold you after every nightmare, I'll listen when you need to talk about it and I'll hold you when you need to cry about it.

But you need to stop denying the pain."

As Regina spoke she had turned so that she faced Emma, and from where Charlie stood at the counter, she could see the conversation was an intense one. She didn't know either of them well, but Emma looked like someone who was in pain and turmoil. From Regina's body language, it was plain she was trying to comfort the blonde. Charlie looked down at her counter and felt a pang of yearning for a relationship like that. She watched Emma and Regina slide out of the booth they had been sitting at and Emma hold Regina's coat open for her. As Regina bent to pick up the books, Emma and Charlie made eye contact. Charlie held Emma's gaze steadily, and nodded only once, hoping she would understand that Charlie would respect her space. Emma tried to smile, but all Charlie saw was her heartache. As they passed her, Regina thanked her and Charlie shook her head. "No worries."

When she had shut the door to their room behind her, Regina took off her boots and draped her coat over the back of the chair. Emma had sat on the bed with a sigh. Regina went to her and bent to unlace her boots.

"Regina, you don't have to do that..."

As she pulled one boot off, Regina looked up. "I'm aware of that."

Her fingers moved to untie the laces of the other boot and Emma spoke again.

"You were royalty...you..."

"And now I'm someone who cares about you, who is trying to do something nice for you. Let me do this, please."

Emma nodded and Regina returned her attention to the laces as she spoke. "When I ruled, I would never have done this, but I was a different person then. I like to think I'm changing for the better, and I know you are a very large part of that." She straightened up and sat beside Emma. "I care for you very deeply, Emma. I want to take your pain away, and I would in less than a heartbeat if I could."

Emma sighed again and rested her head against Regina's shoulder.

"Are you tired?" Regina asked. "Would you like to take a nap?"

Emma nodded. "This emotional crap is exhausting."

Regina tensed to stand. "I'll let you..."

"Stay with me?" Emma asked in a small voice. "Please?"

Once Regina had settled on the mattress beside Emma, the blonde had turned so that she was on her right side and took the brunette's hand in her own. Their clasped hands rested on Regina's stomach and she focused on them, trying to project healing and love into their entwined fingers. In time, she felt Emma's breathing even out and she knew that sleep had come.

Regina closed her eyes and tried to remember any spells that could be used to heal heartbreak.

After coming up with nothing, she was forced to admit that she knew very little helpful magic. She had not been taught to care, or heal or help. She had learned only how to hurt, how to get what she wanted, how to gain control over another and how to kill.

She let out a deep breath and wondered how she could possibly be of any help to Emma when her own heart was blackened by her own actions.

She slipped into sleep full of doubts and disturbing memories.

When Regina opened her eyes, the room was dark. She turned her head and saw that Emma was still asleep and in the same position. She eased her fingers from Emma's and slid carefully off the bed. Regina pulled a blanket over the blonde, picked out a heavy pair of Emma's socks and slipped silently out of the room. The door closed without a sound and Regina paused at the top of the stairs. The old house was silent as she put the socks on, then padded downstairs and into the kitchen. Patty had urged them to make themselves at home, so Regina retrieved a glass of milk and went quietly out to the backyard.

She set the glass on the small table and settled into a chair, then brought her knees up to rest her chin on.

As her gaze flitted about the yard, she thought back to her training under Rumplestiltskin.

She had been so hungry for some form of power and control she had learned to ignore her conscience.

Back then, it never occurred to her that she was becoming exactly the sort of person her mother was. She never stopped to reflect that all she felt was pain, anger and greed. Once she had wrestled control of the kingdom into her grasp, she never thought back to the times she had been happy. She dreamed only of revenge. Getting revenge on her mother was not an option, so she took out her pain on Snow White.

Manipulation and meddling in her subjects lives had ceased to bring her any joy. In fact, there was no joy in Regina's life. Once her subjects began to whisper of her as the "Evil Queen", she embraced the persona, believing that the power would eventually bring her what she yearned for most. Never once did she stop to think how she was hurting herself as much as the people she ruled over. The darkness in her heart had never bothered her until now.

She had only ever removed her own heart twice. Once under Rumple's insistence, so that she would know the power she held, and once to prove to someone that murder changed one's heart. Then, she had talked only about the darkness in it and not the parts that were still bright. This night, she sat in a moon-lit yard far from home and wondered if her redemption could be found in the arms of a fractured, tortured blonde.

"Is this a private party?"

Regina looked up to see Patty standing beside her. "Have a seat." Regina gestured to the other chair.

"Couldn't sleep?" Patty sat and put a mug of tea beside the glass of milk.

"Emma and I laid down to rest earlier and fell asleep. I just woke up." Regina studied the end of her socked feet.

Patty watched her silently, then picked up her mug. She took a mouthful before observing, "You seem a little sad tonight."

Regina's first impulse was to tell Patty to mind her own business, but with a heavy sigh, she decided to not give into the easy answer. Patty waited patiently.

"My past, and Emma's, is riddled with impulsive decisions that have led to pain. I am responsible for a good deal of her pain, but life has cut her in ways I shudder to imagine. She is the strongest person I know, but some of that strength comes from surviving her past. A past I helped create. So did I create the pain, or the strength?Although she doesn't hold me responsible, I do. I have fallen for a person I once claimed to hate, and..."

Regina stood and started to pace the small deck, speaking more to herself now than to Patty.

"I can't ignore the fact that I want to keep her safe, I want to keep her from hurting any more than she already does, I want to slap those that hurt her, until I realize that I am among those that hurt her in the first place! How do I rectify that? How do I make amends to the woman that should hate me, but loves me instead?"

As she paced, Patty held the mug out. Regina took it and drank deeply before realizing that she was not drinking the milk she had poured. "Oh! I'm..."

"Don't apologize. I offered it to you. From everything I've heard, it sounds as if you and Emma have a complicated past. I hear your guilt, but from what I heard out here this afternoon, you had a horrible upbringing. You think Emma should hate you for whatever you've done to her, but I see no evidence of that. When she looks at you, I see her love for you plain as day. She shows it every time the two of you are together. Do you love her?"

"More every day." Regina whispered as she sank into her chair once again.

"Then maybe the way you make amends for whatever you did to hurt Emma is to love her as best you can now." Patty stood and stretched. "Whatever you think of yourself, Regina, I see a woman sitting in front of me who cares about others. She cares enough to stand up for a teenager she doesn't know. She cares enough to take on a man that scares the daylights out of everyone else, she cares enough to love a woman she claims should hate her. She cares enough that guilt keeps her from sleeping." Patty walked toward the door and stopped with her hand on the knob. "I didn't really want the tea, I brought it out here for you. Feel free to finish it." Patty gave the brunette a smile. "See you in the morning."

"Goodnight." Regina said quietly.

Regina sat mulling over Patty's words as she sipped at the tea. In Storybrooke, she had tried to turn away from magic to prove to Henry that she had been worthy of his love. Occasionally, magic had been required to save someone, most notably Emma, Snow and then the town, and then Henry himself when he had been in Pan's clutches. Now that she needed it more than anything, she had to live without it. And yet, Emma had enough of it that she had been able to produce a small fireball and change the weather when she got upset. On one hand, Regina could almost believe that this was all a very bad joke. And yet...

Regina looked up at the stars twinkling in the dark sky, wondering if perhaps she had her destiny all wrong. The vast ocean of emptiness in her heart had slowly come to be replaced by caring and love. As Regina drank the last of the milk in her glass, she wondered how her heart looked now.

When the former Evil Queen rose from the chair, she was starting to the feel the chill of the early morning hours just before dawn. She had sat outside for some time weighing words and feelings against the sum of her life thus far. She had considered a life without Emma Swan now that their dynamic had changed. Now they had finally admitted their feelings for one another. No, there was no way she wanted to live without Emma now. She stepped quietly back through the house and into their room. She changed into her pyjamas and managed to get the covers out from Emma without waking her. Until Regina crawled in beside her, Emma hadn't stirred. Then she snuggled in close to the brunette and threw an arm across her.

" 'Gina?" Emma mumbled.

"I'm right here. Go back to sleep, it's all right." Regina stroked Emma's arm and let out a breath she hadn't intended to hold. She closed her eyes and prayed her own demons would stay away.

When Emma opened her eyes, the room was awash with sunlight. Regina laid on her back, one hand atop Emma's on her stomach, and the other thrown back above her head. She was beautiful as always, but in sleep, she was less tense. There was no furrow between her brows, no frown, no suspicion. Emma had a vague memory of Regina crawling into bed and being cold, but no matter how she studied the woman sleeping beside her, she couldn't remember any more than that. She briefly debated getting up and going for her run, but in the end, she was just too comfortable right where she was. So she stayed still, closed her eyes again and slept for another hour.

The next time she woke up, she heard the distinctive sound of water hitting tile. She stretched and found herself alone in the big bed. She had slept soundly, her nightmares seemed to have called a cease fire for which she was grateful. It didn't take long to realize she was still in her clothes from the day before. She swung the covers off and sat up, a little too quickly. Her temples throbbed angrily, as if she had a hang-over. She thought back and couldn't recall any drinking, only painful memories, heartbreak and chopping wood. And Regina there, saying something about a funnel cloud. Emma leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees, determined to remember the rest of it.

"Are you all right?"

Emma glanced in the direction of Regina's voice.

Regina stood at the side of the bed, drying her hair with a white towel, dressed in blue jeans and a dark red button-down shirt.

"My head is pounding like I had too much to drink yesterday, and I can't remember everything."

"Temples?" Regina asked, already knowing the answer.

Emma only nodded slowly.

Regina let the towel drop to the bed and stood in front of Emma. "Here, let me..."

Emma let her hands fall away and felt the brunette's fingers begin to draw small circles on either side of her head. The slight pressure felt wonderful and Emma moaned a little.

"Do you remember the library?" Regina asked quietly.

Emma made an affirmative noise.

"Do you remember running afterward, or stopping at the diner to cut wood?"

"Yeah, but after that it's all a blur."

"Do you remember what Rumple always says about magic?"

"That it comes with a price?"

"Indeed. This is your price, dear." Regina rested her thumbs above Emma's eyebrows and shifted her fingertips so that she could gain a better angle. "All magic comes with a price. Elemental magic is primarily good, but it still takes something from you. Yesterday, you nearly created a tornado. Your heightened emotions created some very erratic weather. Do you remember seeing the small funnel cloud?"

"No."

"As I was walking by the diner, I heard the sound of wood chopping. When I saw the sky, I knew what was happening. I took you out a bottle of water and talked you down."

Emma snorted. "You make it sound like I was a crazy person out on a ledge."

Regina smiled. "Magic can sometimes make things seem that way. Think back to sitting in the diner. We had..."

Emma cast back in her memory, watching the mini-film in her head, lifting the axe, lifting another log, and the axe again. And then Regina's face, understanding and kind. She remembered Regina's hand resting on her cheek and pointing up. And just like that the rest of it came flooding back as Regina kneaded her temples.

"Pie." Emma said simply. "We had coffee and pie, and Charlie looked at me as if..."

"As if she understood that you were going through something tough. That's all." Regina stopped massaging Emma's temples but didn't step away. Instead, she put one finger under Emma's chin and gently tilted her face upward so she could see her eyes. She peered into Emma's eyes for a time, then bent down and gently kissed her lips. "Do you remember our conversation as well?"

"I do." Emma whispered.

"I meant every word of it." Regina kissed her again and then stepped back. "Why don't you grab a shower and I'll meet you downstairs in the kitchen?"

Emma nodded and Regina left the room.

Regina was a little surprised to find the kitchen empty, but found a note on the table instead.

Regina,

I've gone shopping, help yourself to whatever food the two of you would like. Callie is in her room if you need her.

Patty

So Regina got busy making coffee and french toast, and by the time Emma came downstairs with damp hair, Regina was just plating their breakfast.

"Hungry?"

"Ravenous. Where is everyone else?"

"It is almost ten am, dear. Patty has gone shopping and Callie is upstairs." Regina commented as she set a full cup of coffee down in front of Emma. "How's your headache?"

"Better, thanks. Do you get those too?"

Regina sat down to her own plate as she answered. "I do. Terrible migraines that upset my stomach."

Emma shook her head as she cut into her breakfast. "I don't know how you handle those, Regina."

"I always seem to muddle through as best I can on my own."

"No more."

Regina looked at Emma and gave her a small smile.

Emma shook her head again and reached out to lay her hand over the brunette's. "I mean it. You will never have to suffer through another migraine alone."

"Thank you, dear. I'm glad to hear it because they're quite horrible."

They could hear footsteps on the stairs and soon Callie came into the kitchen.

"Good morning." Regina spoke first.

"Morning!" Callie retrieved a glass from the cupboard and poured the orange juice from the fridge. "Anyone else want some of this?"

Regina and Emma both nodded, so the teenager poured two more glasses.

"I can make you some French toast if you're hungry, Callie." Regina offered.

Callie shook her head. "No, thank you. Mom fed me like it was my last meal earlier this morning." As she put Regina's glass in front of her, Callie looked up. "Mom said the two of you might sleep late. Said something about you having a rough night, Regina?"

"I did." Regina nodded and turned to meet Emma's questioning gaze. "I was having a difficult time sleeping in the wake of everything we went through yesterday."

"Ah." Emma nodded and gave Regina's hand a little squeeze before picking up her own orange juice. She spotted Callie's sketchbook under the teenager's arm and spoke up.

"Any new drawings you'd like to show off, Callie?"

"Sure!" Callie stood beside Emma and flipped through pages until she found the page she was looking for. "I had a dream about my best friend last night, not sure why."

She had sketched a girl about her own age, with dark hair and dark eyes and a frightened look on her face. In the drawing she was glancing over her shoulder. "That's Genesis. We've practically grown up together. First time I've ever drawn her though."

Callie pulled out a chair and sat down. "Could I maybe draw you one day, Emma? You've got great lines."

Regina chuckled. "I've been thinking the same thing for some time now."

Emma blushed but nodded.

After the breakfast dishes had been cleaned up, Regina and Emma sat in the common living room reading. In actuality, Emma had drifted off again, head nodding over the library book on spells. Regina glanced up when she heard Callie coming in to the room and raised one finger to her lips. Callie nodded silently.

Regina motioned the girl over and patted the seat beside her on the sofa. When Callie had gotten settled, Regina pointed to the sketchbook Callie carried, smiled and then pointed across the room to where Emma rested.

Callie understood right away, found a clean sheet of paper and began to draw the Savior.

Regina continued to read while Callie sketched beside her.

They sat this way for almost an hour of peaceful silence until they heard Patty's truck pull into the yard followed by another vehicle. Callie got up and looked through the window.

"Mom's home." she said quietly. "And she's got the Sheriff with her."