Please don't hate me.
It was one week since Batman and Alfred had left.
The Titans had seen a steady improvement in Raven, but she was not completely back to her normal self. Instead she was quiet and contemplative, gazing at each of her friends like she knew something they did not. Beast Boy had tried to stay with her at night, but he usually ended up retreating to his own room, sensing that Raven mostly wanted to be alone. The poor changeling was also monstrously subdued and quiet the whole week, and everyone could tell he was extremely affected and worried over his girlfriend.
Raven was in her bedroom, meditating as she hovered over her bed. But instead of focusing on her own center, she was feeling her teammates.
Robin and Starfire, warm feelings for each other, worry over her, especially from Robin because he knew exactly what was going on.
Cyborg was content working on updating systems for his body, but she could also feel the disturbance in his emotions every once in awhile; he was unsettled, that things were not normal in the tower.
Beast Boy, poor Beast Boy. Raven's brow creased, she frowned. He was sad, anxious, worried. He was restless, floating from Titan to Titan, needing company and someone to settle him. The one thought on his mind constantly was her.
She drew her powers back to herself and focused completely on her center, letting her teammates' feelings drain away. A few minutes of complete serene quiet.
The candles floating around her flickered out and she opened her eyes.
Raven finally felt she had enough control over her powers to do what she knew needed to be done.
--
The Titans assembled in Ops, Starfire and Robin sitting on the couch, Beast Boy lounging on the floor, and Cyborg leaning over the back of the sofa. Raven hovered cross-legged over the coffee table in front of them all.
"I'm sure you're all wondering why I called this 'family meeting'," she began. "Recent events however have changed things drastically for me. I have been wondering what would be the tactful way to approach this. Originally I intended to meet with you privately one-on-one, but I decided… that this way would be better."
They all stared at her silently, waiting for her to continue.
"I decided that this needs to be addressed by all of us." Raven sighed. "We have been living and working together for five years, and I for one feel ashamed that, that I didn't realize how many issues we all have. None of us should have to suffer in silence. We've all kept some pretty dark secrets from each other and whether we realize it or not we have made a sort of makeshift family. We shouldn't hide from each other any longer."
At this all of her friends looked nervous, wondering what Raven meant by her previous statement. But she knew she had to go on, no matter how difficult it was going to be.
"I'm sure all of you have noticed that lately I have been acting different. I apologize for my demeanor," Raven frowned, looking down briefly before bringing her gaze back up, glancing at each of her friends' faces, "but because of what I experienced my powers have been completely out of control. I am trying my best not to feel anything. I may seem very aloof right now, but please understand… I care, I really do. It's why I'm doing this right now." She looked at them all intently, sincerely, willing them to understand. "I may seem completely emotionless… but that's not how I feel inside."
She watched them carefully to see if they understood, but she knew they were all still pretty confused.
"I guess I should explain. While I was intoxicated by Scarecrow's fear gas, I saw… a lot of things. I'm sure you've all had suspicions-"
By the gasp everyone except Robin released, she realized they in fact hadn't.
"Friend Raven, you mean to say that you saw our memories?" Starfire asked hesitantly, growing pale.
"Yes."
Starfire immediately stood. "I cannot do this."
The others cast her surprised glances. Her voice was steely and her body very rigid, her eyes searing into Raven's stoic gaze.
"Sit down, Starfire. We all have some sharing to do."
"Raven, please," she said stonily, her voice commanding. Robin's eyebrows rose. He had never seen Starfire act this way.
"Starfire, sit down and let Raven speak. This is important," he said, touching her hand. She flinched it away and sat down in a dark cloud, crossing her arms and tapping her foot nervously. He tried to soothe her but she rebuked his attempts, and he was hurt by her dismissive behavior.
"I felt the need to bring these issues out into the open, because we need to know where we all come from. The last thing I want is to make anyone feel uncomfortable, but I can't keep this to myself any longer." She sighed, shaking her head. "There are some… things… that some of us need to know." She eyed Robin.
He cocked his head slightly, wondering why she seemed to single him out. He narrowed his eyes, and his subconscious poked at him. Bruce had insinuated that there was something wrong with Starfire--
"Cyborg," Raven started, addressing the metallic Titan.
"I'm going first, huh?" he asked wryly.
"You have told us you were in a bad accident, but that was all. I saw the details, the specifics. You never alluded as to how bad it really was. You lost your mother."
Cyborg's face tightened, his mouth drawing into a flat line.
"Your greatest fear is that you will completely lose all that is left human about you. You fear that there will be nothing left of Victor Stone."
"You truly did see what's inside all us, then," he said grimly. "I was sophomore in high school when my mom asked me to come to the grocery store with her. She told me I could drive, because I was just learning how to."
He let out a sharp sigh, shaking his head as he cradled it in his hands. "I love driving, you know? I love the feel of this powerful machine moving beneath you, going as fast as you possibly can. The speed, the wind on your face…" his voice grew very sad.
"I admit I always drove really recklessly. I was stupid to think I was invincible. But when I was driving I just felt like I could do no wrong, like nothing bad could ever happen. I was in control, I had it…"
His voice hitched as he continued. "So I was going too fast, wasn't looking in my side mirrors… when I merged onto the highway, I didn't see the semi truck…"
The Titans looked extremely sympathetic and Starfire meekly said, "I am sorry, friend Cyborg."
"I was mangled, and there was nothing left of my mother. I don't remember anything, but apparently my father had rushed to the scene and gathered up what was left of me. He worked for Star Labs, and was a technological genius. He built this body for me." Cyborg swallowed. "I was… very angry when I woke up. When I looked in the mirror."
He paused for a moment before speaking again. "I couldn't go to school anymore. I was in a lot of athletic stuff, and was well known. People stared, talked behind my back, and were afraid to touch me. My girlfriend at the time dumped me.
"I finished my high school degree at home. I was smart enough to actually test out of all my classes, and then I moved to Jump City to get away. Then I met all of you."
"Fixit scared you. He wanted to take away your human parts, and make you all robotic. That was the most fear you have ever felt."
"Yeah. You got it. I don't want to become all robot. I'm still human underneath…"
"You are human. Your functions merely enhance you, but it's your human mind that still has control over you. No one will ever take that away from you," Raven said. "None of us have ever looked at you any differently."
Cyborg nodded. "Well, that's all I got," he said, closing the discussion about himself.
Raven hovered for a second again, studying her friends' faces. "There are two of you whom I am… impressed with. Two of you have fooled us all. Both of you have had horrific pasts and have managed to hide them well. Better than I could ever have done, and that's saying something. If I had known about the two of you…" Raven stopped, not quite sure what else she could say. She sighed.
"Beast Boy."
He gave her a sad gaze.
"You are one of them."
"Yeah?" he said, his face going blank as the other three stared at him in surprise. He certainly did cover well.
"One of your visions was familiar to me. Your parents died in a boating accident, and I was privy to that vision from your dream several weeks ago. You felt guilty over their deaths, and completely incompetent that you could not save them. I saw what happened, and there was nothing you could have done. You revealed to me that you acquired your skin color through contracting Sakutia, which your visions showed me was through the bite of an infected monkey. You almost died, but your parents saved you. You feel guilt that they saved you, but you could not rescue them. But, what I did not know was how many other memories you were harboring. You are consumed with guilt, Beast Boy. Why do you hold the deaths of so many on your hands? In all instances none of them were your fault, and the Doom Patrol wasn't even dead, though you believed them to be. You fear that everyone you love is going to die an untimely death and that you will be powerless to stop it."
Beast Boy sighed, knowing that everything she was saying was true. "You're right. But I can't help it, Raven. In all those instances, there was something I could have done, something…"
"The Doom Patrol's fighting and teamwork style is different than the Titans. Steve and Rita sacrificed their lives to save yours. They were your makeshift parents, and they loved you very much. How long Beast Boy, how long did you live believing them to be dead, bearing the guilt that it was your fault on your shoulders?"
"Several months," he said sadly. "I had nowhere to live. It wasn't until after the Titans were formed that I learned they were still alive. I still don't know how they managed to escape The Brotherhood of Evil's lair. The building exploded..."
"Beast Boy," Robin said, amazed by his story. "You were homeless that long after the Doom Patrol vanished?"
"Yeah," he answered.
"If I had known that after we met, I would've taken you with me while the tower was being built. I didn't realize," Robin said genuinely.
"Thanks, dude. I know you would've," Beast Boy said, surprised and touched at Robin's sincerity.
"No wonder he was pestering everyone so much… he had no one…" Robin mumbled under his breath.
Raven stared at her boyfriend, her eyes shining sadness. "Beast Boy, I am so sorry, that we didn't come rescue you sooner when that Solo creature was keeping you in its ship as a… pet."
She felt a wave of distress from him.
"You thought we wouldn't come find you because we were too annoyed with your jokes… you thought we were happy you were gone. If I had known, that you had been through those experiments like that, I would've tried to find you faster- Azar Beast Boy he had a collar on you, you were terrified…" Raven said, tears rimming her eyes.
"Raven, what experiments?" Cyborg asked.
Beast Boy was huddled against the couch, his arms wrapped around his knees, his head down so no one could see his face.
"After his parents died, his legal guardian signed him away and gave him to a laboratory that was eager to get its hands on him. It was during this time they discovered his DNA is unstable. Ever since then he has had a phobia of collars and being treated like an animal."
"Aw, B…" Cyborg said sadly, not knowing what else he could say.
Starfire looked like she was going to cry, and Cyborg and Robin were very quiet, the weight of everything sinking in.
This next part was going to be difficult, for him, and for Raven.
"There are… other issues still. You also carry guilt over the death of someone else," Raven said, breaking the momentary silence, the hesitancy and distress in her voice unmistakable.
"Raven, don't-"
"You have to face it, Beast Boy. It's the elephant in the room for all of us. You could have done nothing to save her. It was Terra's choice; she chose her own destiny. If she had truly cared for you, she never would have betrayed you," Raven said severely, sounding more so than she meant to.
"Raven," Beast Boy cried, his voice breaking, hiding his head further into his arms.
Raven looked down. "I'm not going to sit back and watch you guilt yourself over this one. You have one of the kindest souls I have ever seen, and you think everything's your fault. Terra was not good for you. She was a lost and lonely little girl, but we couldn't provide the home she was looking for. Sadly, neither could Slade, but the situation was out of your control. You could not have changed anything. You have no reason to feel guilty."
Beast Boy shook his head slowly, desperately trying to swallow the lump in his throat.
"Beast Boy," she said softly.
He didn't look up. She floated over to him and knelt in front of him, placing her hands onto his shoulders.
"It wasn't your fault. You can let go now," she said gently.
Tears trickled down his cheek before he brushed them away hastily.
"You fear everyone you love will die," she said, smiling kindly. "I had no idea how much it affected you when I became Trigon's portal and you believed me to be gone as well. It's endearing."
He sniffed.
"I had no clue you were jealous that Robin was the one to rescue me, and that you let him go anyway because you thought you would just mess it up, because you thought you weren't competent enough to do it yourself.
"If I had known Beast Boy, that this was the way you felt, I never would have said all the things I have said to you, and I'm sure the others wouldn't have either. I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say that you are one of the most versatile members of this team. Your knowledge of fighting in a multitude of forms is invaluable. I don't think any of us have ever told you that, and we should have."
He still sniffled into his arms, and Raven gently put her hand under his chin and pulled his head up, looking him in the eyes.
"I still have that penny," she whispered into his ear.
She smiled slightly before giving him a kiss.
His cheeks went a little red, but he didn't bury his face into his arms again and his tears began to dry as Raven floated back to her position in the middle of them all.
She closed her eyes for a second, then said, "Robin."
He shifted, his face stoic as possible. He wasn't quite sure how he felt. Certainly not comfortable, but he did take comfort in the knowledge that he knew this moment had been coming.
"So it's my turn to reveal all, huh?" he said quietly.
Raven looked at him. "Only what you wish to. Robin, I know who you are."
The others gasped.
"And in consequence, I also know the identity of Batman. You were the reason I was going to meet privately with everyone, but I decided... well that we need to trust each other, but my knowledge will stay my own unless you choose to enlighten us all. I'm sure you know that we're your family and none of us would ever give away your secret."
Robin sighed. He knew Raven knew. He also knew there was one certain teammate who was going to be especially jealous and hurt over the information. There was no way he could justify Raven knowing his identity and not sharing it with Starfire. Plus, he knew the guys were curious too, though he wasn't quite sure how they would react after they found out, given their healthy dose of trashing his alter ego a couple weeks ago.
Robin stood and went to stand in front of them.
"I knew beforehand that Raven had seen all of our visions from Scarecrow. And since then I have been mulling over what to do about it. She knows my real identity now, and it seems that it's only fair that you all do too. I was protecting you and everyone back in Gotham with this secret. You have to understand that if this secret were to get out, many people in Gotham will be vulnerable and could or would be killed. Villains could try and use this knowledge against you. There is a delicate balance right now with only select few knowing the real identity of Batman and Robin. Not even all of the Justice League knows who Batman really is. You have to understand this secret is probably the biggest secret you will ever keep. This-"
"Okay, okay, just tell us who you are already! We get it, big secret, don't tell anyone! I can't handle the dorkiness anymore! You're bad enough before we go into battle, dude! You have to be the biggest geek under there ever," Beast Boy cried exasperated, rubbing his nose on his sleeve, still sniffling a little.
Robin sighed huffily. The he became serious again.
"Can you handle it?"
The three Titans leaned forward in anticipation. He reached up and pulled off his mask.
There were many families enjoying a nice morning in Jump City's park. Children played on the swing sets and jungle gyms, mothers close by watching. A couple dads threw footballs with their sons. Citizens walked their dogs and sat lazily underneath trees, watching clouds float by.
Suddenly all this peacefulness was disturbed when a high pitched girly scream was just heard coming from the tower, causing mass amounts of birds to flutter out of trees, car alarms to blare and dogs to howl.
"Whoa."
"YOU ARE DICK GRAYSON?! I AM DOING THE DATING WITH DICK GRAYSON?!"
"No. fucking. way… dude…"
"I can't believe it, man…"
"Eeeeeeeeee!!"
Beast Boy and Cyborg could only stare, mouths agape. Starfire had a death hug around Robin's neck, and Raven was sighing disappointedly with half-lidded eyes.
"Yeah, he's Dick Grayson. Starfire, I have a box of magazines and posters to give to you later," she sulked, cupping her chin in her hand. "Figures Dick Grayson, the hottest guy ever, is like… my brother." Raven crinkled her nose at that thought.
"Heeeey!" Beast Boy complained. "Who's the hottest guy ever?"
Raven rolled her eyes. "My mistake, you are 'handsome'. Let me help you inflate your already oversized ego some more."
Beast Boy pouted.
"It is the dreams of girls come true!!" Starfire squealed, hopping up and down.
"Gee, Dick, nice mask tan," Beast Boy said, the grin coming back onto his face, getting over Raven's jab.
The pout twisted on Robin's lips.
"At least you know raccoons think you're hot!"
Robin scowled even more.
"Wait a minute… if Robin is Dick Grayson, then Batman is…" Cyborg started.
"Bruce Wayne," Beast Boy said in wonder.
Everyone turned abruptly when a thump was heard. Beast Boy and Cyborg instantly helped a dazed Starfire off the floor. She held one hand on her head, her eyes unfocused.
"I did the hugging of the Bruce Wayne…?" she said, a grin starting to spread on her face. "I did the hugging of Bruce Wayne!!" she screeched.
Robin rolled his eyes and scoffed. Both boys began laughing uproariously, continuing in their teasing.
"Oh man! I know I said Dick Grayson lived up to his name, but I didn't know how right I was!" Cyborg hooted.
"Yeah! I knew that guy seemed familiar! And Batman!" Beast Boy slapped his leg. "Batman is a total playboy! Ha!"
"I always wondered why Robin's wallet was never empty!"
"Holy secret identity, Batman!"
Both suddenly sobered.
"Beast Boy," Cyborg said in a worried voice.
"We said all that stuff before when Batman was here," Beast Boy said, eyes wide.
"Bruce Wayne was right in front of us when we were trash talkin' him," Cyborg continued.
"He can kick both our asses with his hands tied behind his back," Beast Boy fretted, wringing his hands.
"Yeah, hello? You forget most of your dirt was directed at me," Robin said begrudgingly, trying to pry a resumed squealing and hopping Starfire off of him. "And I could take both of you down."
"Uh, dude, come on. You're a sidekick, puh-lease," Beast Boy scoffed.
"What?!" Robin snapped, lunging for the changeling.
But he almost tripped over Starfire, who was oblivious to the bickering. She was still deliriously happy and hugging Robin, singing "Dick Grayson, Dick Grayson, Dick Grayson!"
"Ahk- Star-"
"Oooh, Mrs. Dick Grayson… Mrs. Koriand'r Grayson…"
Robin's blue eyes became impossibly wide.
"Uh… Star…?"
She turned her big green eyes to him, and said, "Am I not saying it correctly? Is that not the earth tradition?"
Robin paled instantly and he tugged on his collar.
"Can we get back to the subject matter at hand?" Raven said loudly, rubbing her temples.
"Robin?" Starfire questioned. "Please, I would be the Mrs. yes?"
"Whaa- um Raven was saying something! Raven? Raven! Listen to Raven please!" Robin stuttered, his eyes wild.
"Yes, listen to Raven please," Raven muttered, amused as she watched Starfire look confused over Robin's panic. "Sit back down you two, you can talk about getting married later."
Robin's eyes widened before he glared at Raven with venom.
Raven snickered when Starfire's eyes shined and she clasped her hands together in front of her heart, a dreamy grin on her face.
The Titans resettled themselves, some of the tension in the air having been broken.
Raven floated again, waiting for them to calm down and realize there were still heavy issues to discuss-- really heavy issues to discuss.
Robin replaced his mask, pouting from the teasing.
"Robin. I was not surprised to see the death of your parents. I saw the vision once before, along with the Batcave."
"When you went into my head, when I thought Slade was attacking me," he nodded solemnly.
"Yes. Still, the limited visions I saw then did not provide enough information to indicate your identity… had I stopped to really think about it, I might've been able to guess. Though we share a mental bond, I respected your privacy and stayed out of your mind. This time, I saw everything. You were very young when your parents were murdered in that trapeze act."
"Murdered?" the other boys mumbled.
Robin sighed.
"We were the Flying Graysons."
"Oh… oh yeah. I remember that now. That happened a long time ago, in Gotham," Cyborg said. "But I don't remember the specifics of the story. I never made it a habit to follow Dick Grayson's life," he smirked.
"I noticed," Robin said flatly. "I was eight when we were touring in Gotham; a mob boss named Zucco tried to get my father to pay for protection, but he refused. Zucco was angry that my father wasn't going to be exploited and tampered with the trapeze wires to set an example. My parents were in the middle of the routine when the wires released and… they fell.
"Bruce Wayne was in the crowd that day. His parents were also murdered in front of him when he was a child. He empathized with me and adopted me. I discovered his secret, and he trained me as his sidekick."
Starfire's eyes were sad when she listened to the grief in her boyfriend's voice.
"You also have issues with competence, Robin," Raven spoke up. "You always feel that you can never do things perfectly, can never measure up to the standard that was set. I never realized just how much you judge yourself, how critical you are. These masochistic tendencies are very unhealthy. You fear you will never make him proud, and you fear that we will all come to harm because of your 'incompetence.' You left Batman to escape from the pressure." Raven smirked. "Honestly I was surprised to find these feelings within you. You're always such a cocky bastard. You hide your uncertainties well."
Robin snorted.
"I suppose that's true."
"It is true. Anyway, you also were growing tired of the violence. The things you experienced in Gotham make being a vigilante for Jump City look like a cake walk."
Raven studied him.
"You never told anyone you were shot."
Everyone looked at Robin with surprise.
"The Joker shot you. Lodged a bullet in your shoulder. You almost didn't survive."
Starfire's eyes became very distressed. "You never told me this, Robin," she said, her voice anxious and slightly accusing.
"Star," he said quietly, with slight complaint.
"Because of that incident, Batman kicked you off the team. You were angry and upset and believed he had done so because he thought you were too incompetent and got yourself shot. In reality, he was shaken at the close call, and let you go to keep you from harm."
Robin looked a little sullen at this, but know knew it was true.
"The things you have witnessed are horrible, Robin. I've never seen so much blood and so many dead bodies."
"Batman deals with it every day."
"Batman is a different sort of man."
Robin was silent.
"There is one memory that haunts you."
Robin's face contorted and he turned his head away, his arms crossed tightly across his chest. "Do you have to, Raven?" he asked bitterly.
"I think it would be best, but it's your decision to go into detail or not."
Robin grunted.
"I think you will feel better if you let this out, and let yourself heal," she said gently. "I know how important that code of no killing is to you."
Raven instantly regretted saying that and shifted her eyes over to Starfire, who's fidgeting intensified and her face went white.
Robin's fists clenched as the others looked at him, wondering just what had taken place.
Robin growled. "Fucking Two-Face," he muttered, "had Batman and the judge that was to preside over his trial strung up in nooses. Both were restrained and could do absolutely nothing. There was barely anything I could do; he was going to kill them both. In attempt to save one of them right out, I made him flip his coin. I won the toss…Watkins wouldn't hang… but the deal didn't include… drowning," Robin's voice cracked and he couldn't finish.
"Two-Face distracted you Robin; there was nothing you could do. You had so many broken bones after that. Batman had to carry you back to the Batcave and it took you weeks to recover," Raven said softly. She shook her head and was very serious when she spoke. "When… this vision happened, it was like I was in your body as the memory took place. And I just want to let you know, I don't ever want you to feel like you did after Two-Face was assaulting you with that bat."
Starfire's hands flicked up to her mouth.
"You completely gave up; you were ready to die…" Raven said, her eyes scared.
"I thought I was going to," Robin said. "Thought I'd make it easier on myself if I just…"
"Robin," Starfire whimpered.
"Batman saved you just in time," Raven said.
Robin shook his head. "It still wasn't good, Raven. We couldn't agree on anything after that. I could always tell there was this disapproval in him. I failed to save someone, and it was my fault completely. I've gone over that situation so many times, and I know how many other things I could've done to save both of them."
Raven eyed him sadly. The guilt threatened to tear him apart.
"You can't dwell on this forever, Robin. You were nine years old; all heroes face a time when they couldn't pull through. You're human, you are not perfect and neither is Batman. There are going to be times when you fail, but that doesn't make you any less of a hero, because you still tried. You stand up to dangers and put your own life on the line repeatedly, to save others. That will always make you a successful hero."
Robin sat quietly, still looking rather sullen.
"You are the leader of this team, and you lead us all competently. All of us trust you and follow you. We are behind you all the way."
Robin just gazed at her face.
"You should not fear that we will leave you, or think you can't lead this team. None of us have ever thought that."
He nodded slowly, not liking that the discussion had turned to his fears.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" Raven asked. Robin shook his head no.
Raven sighed, getting ready for what was to come. She knew she couldn't let her own emotions sway her on this one; she needed to be firm but supportive and guide the conversation. She had purposely left Starfire for last, knowing this was going to be the hardest one of all. She had no idea how the boys would react. But, it had to be done.
Raven gazed into Starfire's eyes. Defiant green eyes stared back at her. Raven understood Starfire's reaction, and she had a feeling that Starfire was not going to be cooperative. She would have to try her best to remain calm and collected.
"We've come to the other member of this team who surprised me," Raven started. Starfire shifted, her body rigid.
"I never saw this coming."
She scooted forward to the edge of her seat, still staring at Raven intensely.
"Starfire-"
Starfire stood and began to walk to the door.
Raven blocked her way with a shield.
She turned around angrily.
"Remove this barrier at once." Her voice was deadly cold.
"You need to sit back down. No one is going to act the way you're scared they will."
"These are my private memories and you are not allowed to share them," Starfire snipped.
The three boys looked at her, taken aback. Robin had never heard her take on that tone. His narrowed eyes searched her, wondering why she was acting this way.
"Everyone else has had their pasts opened and examined. You need this, Starfire."
"No Raven, I do not."
Raven did not bend under Starfire's penetrating glare. Raven was the queen of glaring; Starfire couldn't intimidate her that much.
"Look, I don't want to tell them. I want you to tell them for yourself. But if you cannot bring yourself to do it, then I will have to."
Starfire stood with arms crossed and completely defiant.
"Please, you need to do this," Raven said.
Starfire said nothing.
"Tell them what happened in the Citadel, Starfire," Raven said evenly.
Her eyes began to glow a furious green.
"I cannot!"
"It's understandable that you're defensive. Remember, I felt what you felt, I experienced it as though I were in your body, as though I were there." Raven shuddered at the memories and the phantom touch.
"Mutak noa dur ekro'or! Gopka tu Z'hala Koriand'r! Rutha kor'oo tul'ara! Rutha!"
Starfire began ranting in Tamaranian, pacing around the floor, her eyes blazing so much they left a trail of green energy in her wake.
"Starfire, what's going on?" Robin asked. She never spoke Tamaranian in this manner unless she was extremely upset.
Raven watched her pacing and ranting, knowing that at some point she was going to lose her fire.
Starfire's resolve began to break after a moment. Her fists were clenched, but her furious mouth was turning into a weak and shaking frown. Her hands began to tremble, and she dropped to her knees, tears beginning to leak from her glowing eyes. She crossed her arms around herself.
"Gopka… gopka tu gotan'a Robin…" she said sadly.
"Raven, what's going on here?" he demanded. "And what's this about the Citadel? You told me you were captured by the Gordanians and they were taking you there just before you escaped from them and came here," he addressed Starfire at the end.
Starfire released a sob when Robin ended his sentence.
Raven swallowed a lump in her throat, tears rimming her eyes again.
"Before we knew her, Starfire was handed over to the Citadel as a peace offering for her planet," she said, her voice wavering. She made a desperate attempt to gain control over herself again.
"What," Robin snapped.
The other two boys narrowed their eyes, confused. Starfire continued crying.
"If you recall, when we first met her she told us she was a prize for the Citadel. She refrained from telling us that she had already been held captive there previously, and that she had escaped. The Gordanian bounty hunters were a middleman, being paid a vast sum of money to catch her and return her there."
Raven steeled herself for what was coming next.
"She also didn't tell us that her own father and sister were the ones who originally offered her up, even with the knowledge of how the Citadel treats their slaves, especially young women."
Robin's eyes became hard. He knew very much where this was going. A mixture of anger and despair tore through his heart and the color drained out of his face.
"Raven, please stop," Starfire begged, her voice pitiful.
"I will stop, Starfire, if you continue."
She said nothing, continued to cry, her shoulders shuddering.
"I know why you want this information withheld. And first off I want to tell you that none of us will react the way you are afraid we will."
Starfire shook her head vehemently, her weeping persisting.
"You do not understand… it is shameful! I brought much shame to my family, and to the throne!"
"No woman is ever at fault when something like that happens to them," Raven said, her eyes flashing dangerously.
"Raven, what happened?" Robin asked, exasperated.
"Starfire was held captive, chained in a cell, brutally tortured, and… violated by the inhabitants of the Citadel."
Starfire's hands balled into fists.
There was silence except for Starfire's sniffles as Cyborg and Beast Boy were shell shocked. Robin closed his eyes tightly before opening them and staring at the ceiling.
"For… for how long?" Beast Boy asked softly.
"I couldn't tell exactly how long from the visions, but I saw enough to know that it was not a short period of time. I saw… her escape."
"Raven, please! Do not!" Starfire cried.
"How did you escape, Starfire?" Robin asked.
"No," she whimpered.
"Starfire, tell me how you escaped," Robin said, more demanding this time. She had huddled into a ball, holding her hands around herself to shut them all out. Robin felt fury coursing through his veins… bitterness that Batman had tried to warn him, but he hadn't taken it seriously. And when he had asked, she had lied.
"Starfire was assigned to a master at the Citadel. He began… noticing her. She was becoming a young woman…" Raven swallowed.
Starfire kept her eyes on the floor, shame spreading across her face.
"That is enough, Raven. I will finish," she said holding up her hand weakly, her voice broken.
"You do not understand the politics of my home world. Diplomatic treaties are carried out in very different ways than ones on this world. My father was a very manipulative man. He convinced me that what I was to do would be the best for Tamaran. That I would save my people if I were to go."
Cyborg and Beast Boy's faces showed their shock, and they listened intently. Robin was planted on the couch, his arms crossed and his mouth twisted in a bitter frown. He shook his head every once in awhile as Starfire continued.
Her voice was tired and toneless. "The Citadel was a worse place than anywhere imaginable. They are a horrible race of scaly monsters that maintain a tyranny throughout the Vega star system. They conquer with force and manipulate with fear. Slaves are often taken, and are considered property to be used until destroyed. I was there a total of three and a half years."
Robin sucked in a breath.
"I am ashamed to tell you what happened."
"Starfire, there is nothing to be ashamed of," Raven broke in.
"My master was cruel. I was young when I was taken there, but as I grew older he soon noticed that there were changes occurring in me, and that my transformation would be coming soon. I was becoming a young woman, and he began to take another form of interest in me." She shuddered.
"He would whisper things of foulness in my ear and touch me inappropriately, often. Soon, he could not wait for my transformation to happen any longer. He began to… attempt… to… with me, and I… I…" she stopped. The three boys looked horrified. "Raven-"
"Keep going, Starfire."
"He was going to use… he had… " the tears began overflowing again, and Robin nearly lost it.
"I became enraged, and I…" her voice was desperate now.
"It's okay Starfire," Raven's calmness washed over her.
"I cannot do this."
"You need to let go."
"Raven, please-"
"Let go, Starfire."
Starfire drew in a shaky breath.
"I killed him!"
There was stunned silence from the three male Titans as Starfire buried her face into her hands. Her heartbreaking sobs echoed off the walls as her shoulders shook.
Beast Boy felt his stomach lurch when he suddenly remembered Raven's horrible and shrilly screams while she was intoxicated, the way her face had been contorted, the way her body had arched, the way she had clenched her legs. She had been experiencing what Starfire experienced… he blinked back tears and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. "Oh my God," he murmured as he leaned back against the sofa in absolute shock, covering his open mouth with his hand.
"Star," Robin started, not doing well to hide the absolute rage in his voice.
Starfire heard his tone and took it as anger against her actions. She scooted away from him, frightened, and tried to explain herself in a frantic shrilly voice.
"I was so angry! I never meant to violate your human laws. On my world it is not wrong to take the life of an enemy in an act of war, in fact it is celebrated. By letting that foul creature touch me I had brought shame to my family and to the throne. I was so angry it was dead before I realized what I had done. I escaped from the Citadel and flew anywhere, anywhere to get away from that place," she finished in an anguished sob.
"Starfire, no one is angry at you. Everyone here would have done the same thing in your situation. In fact," Raven said, her eyes flashing angrily, "You gave that creature an instantaneous death. If it had been me, its death would have been slow and torturous."
Starfire sniffled.
"There's more, Starfire," Raven reminded her gently.
"There's more?" Robin said, his voice disturbingly cold. Starfire winced, still holding herself and she couldn't look at him.
"Starfire witnessed her parents dying on the battlefield, and directly after that she and Blackfire were captured by a race called the Psions. Her starbolts are not native powers of Tamaranians."
"What happened this time?" Robin gritted his teeth.
"They experimented on Starfire and Blackfire. They converted their bodies into a kind of solar energy cell, using the green energy that Tamaranians already possess. Starfire's powers are activated by soaking up energy from sunlight. She can control and release this stored power, what we call star bolts."
Starfire shuddered.
"Let me guess, they didn't treat you humanely either?" Robin said, fuming.
Starfire lowered her head in response.
Raven felt horrible, like she had tattled on Starfire, but she knew certain things had to be out in the open before Starfire could heal. She needed to know her friends were behind her, needed to know they could console her.
But something in Raven's plan went awry as Robin got up, his body tense and his hands clenching and unclenching. Raven could almost taste the bitterness of his absolute rage in her mouth, he was that irate. Beast Boy and Cyborg were also angered and shocked for Starfire, but Robin by far beat out all the emotions in the room at present.
Raven attempted to intervene in the ensuing argument, but was ignored.
"Star-fire," he bit out. "You lied to me. You lied right to my face. Why didn't you tell me about this?"
She looked up into his hard face, her eyes wide like saucers.
"I… did not know how- …we have all kept the secrets…"
"Not ones like these," he seethed. "Not ones like this. You shouldn't have kept this from me. You shouldn't have fucking lied about it."
Hurt drained out of her face and anger began to filter into it in defense. She stood up to look defiantly into his face. She was amazed that he could be so angry with her when he had kept just as many things about his own past hidden. She may have lied, but he still had not trusted her and been completely open with her either.
She poked him in the chest, hard. "You do not have the right to be angry with me. You have also kept the secrets. You did not tell me or any of us that you had been shot and almost killed! You did not tell any of us about your past and your secret life! Do not yell at me, when you are the one who is the hypocritical!"
Robin forcefully grabbed her arm, reminding her of the time when he grabbed her after she couldn't see Slade.
"This stuff isn't the kind of thing you keep secret," he snarled. "Do you know how many rape victims I've dealt with in Gotham? I can't believe you've been though all that and were sitting here right under my nose and never bothered to tell me about it! You lied to me about the Citadel, about everything! I thought we trusted each other!"
Starfire's eyes narrowed and she slapped him across the face.
Robin released her arm and held his hand to his cheek, stunned. She had never slapped him like that before.
Her hand shook, losing her resolve for a moment, but she was still cold when she stepped away and spoke.
"You have no right to speak to me that way. I thought we trusted each other as well, but it seems we do not. You have elected to keep secrets from me and I from you. But I will not stand here and have you shout in my face."
She lowered her eyes, blinking through the tears beginning to run down her cheeks again. "This is what I expected to happen."
She quickly ran out of the room before Raven could stop her.
"That was the wrong way to handle the situation, Robin."
Robin turned to glare at Raven when he heard the harsh tone of her voice.
"She needed comfort! Not someone to yell at her!" Raven chastised, now hovering in the air in a standing position, her eyes white and her cape billowing out behind her.
"If you have dealt with so many cases like hers, how could you react like that? You may have just caused her more damage than you even know," she growled.
The two boys were glaring at him.
"Dude, completely uncalled for," Beast Boy said, shaking his head, his eyes hard and his mouth frowning.
"Shut the fuck up Beast Boy. No one asked your opinion," Robin snapped.
"Hey fuck you, dude," Beast Boy snarled, baring his teeth and attempting to lunge at his leader, but Cyborg held him back. "I'm not just going to sit here and watch you yell at Star for no damn reason!"
"No damn reason?! She fucking lied to me!"
Raven quickly interposed herself between the two before an all out fight ensued.
"This argument is quickly escalating into something that might not be able to be repaired. Robin, you need to-"
"I don't fucking need to do anything, Raven."
He shook his head angrily, still believing his feelings to be justified as he stalked from the room.
Beast Boy shook himself out of Cyborg's grip. He was seething, pacing around the room and mumbling to himself. Raven watched with a sad expression. His emotions were jumbled, a mixture of shock and horror on Starfire's behalf and anger towards his leader's thoughtless actions.
"Beast Boy, don't worry, we'll get this all straightened out," she said softly.
"He's just, urgh! He's just such a fucking bastard sometimes," Beast Boy said, punching his fists down in the air.
Cyborg flopped down on the couch.
"Robin's an ass, that's for sure. But what we gonna do about Star?"
"We should go see her right now," Beast Boy said vehemently. "She shouldn't be alone."
Raven tentatively reached out for Starfire's emotions. She sucked in a breath. Starfire was one unhappy girl.
"Starfire might not want any company at the moment," she said gravely.
"She needs to know we still care about her," Beast Boy argued.
Raven's eyes shone at his sympathy and concern for his friend. She sighed.
"If you want to try and console her, maybe you should. You might be the only person she would even want to see at the moment. I think she's angry with me for 'tattling' on her."
Beast Boy nodded and set off for Starfire's room.
Cyborg and Raven eyed each other sadly.
Cyborg sighed.
"Well, I guess now we know…"
Raven nodded. "Her… her greatest fear… she was afraid we'd be disgusted with her and send her away for killing that monster. She was ashamed that she had been touched, and… tortured…" Raven's eyes glazed over for a moment.
"The things she endured, Cyborg… I…"
Cyborg grabbed her hand, squeezing it comfortingly.
"Because of that code of no killing, she was deathly afraid of any of us finding out, especially Robin…"
Cyborg shook his head. "The dude totally fucked up. But I think he's more hurt than any of us too. He never handles these situations well."
"No, he doesn't," Raven agreed. "I think most of his anger was misplaced. He shouldn't have yelled at Starfire like that, but I think he had no other place to take out his emotions. Often when we are upset over something, we take out our feelings on the ones who are the closest to us. Maybe I should have talked to all of you privately. I had hoped it wouldn't have gone like this."
"Hey, I'm glad we all came out in the open. Now I know. Don't beat yourself up over it. Starfire will understand that we all care about her."
Raven's eyes were beginning to water, and her bottom lip trembled. "I didn't mean to betray her like that, but when I found out about it I thought you all needed to know, to know what happened to her-" her voice cracked. A tear slipped down her cheek.
Cyborg pulled Raven into a hug.
--
Robin had headed directly for the training room. The past few weeks had taken a tremendous toll on him, and then finding out his girlfriend had been abused and treated so horribly, had lied to him and didn't trust him enough to tell him was the last straw. He refused to back down, even though he knew he was being selfish. Even in all his fits of irrationality, there was a rational side of him that knew he had acted atrociously and was afraid Starfire might never forgive him.
He found his favorite heavy bag and began pounding the sand out of it. He furiously kicked and punched and spun, knocking the bag around wildly.
It was his deepest fear being realized because once again he had screwed up. Robin hated himself when he acted like this, but for some reason he just couldn't stop himself. He was torn between feeling completely betrayed and knowing that he was wrong to act the way he did. He knew that he owed Starfire one great big apology, but right now he knew she probably didn't want to see his face for a long time.
With one last powerful kick he broke the hanging apparatus and the bag went flying, sand spraying across the floor.
He stood there and breathed heavily, staring vacantly at the mess he had created.
--
Beast Boy stood outside Starfire's door. He didn't need his acute hearing to hear that Starfire was still bawling inside. He frowned sadly. He couldn't stand hearing her cry. He tentatively knocked on her door.
She didn't answer. He knocked again, a little louder.
She sniffled. Her voice was strained and broken.
"Please go away. I do not wish for company at present."
"Star, it's me. Please, you shouldn't be alone right now."
"Friend Beast Boy, thank you for your concern, but I wish to be alone."
Beast Boy was determined however, and turned into a bug and scuttled underneath Starfire's door. Once on the other side he turned into a small cat and crossed over to her bed. She was lying curled up in a ball with her back to him. He jumped up onto her bed with a mew and cautiously regarded her. She sighed.
"You are very persistent."
He answered her with a meow and hopped over her hip to sit in front of her. She had buried her face into her pillow and her hair fell around her, hiding her face like a veil.
Beast Boy rubbed his head against her arms, purring faintly. Starfire didn't respond. He flattened himself on her bed, hoping she would at least look at him.
When she didn't move he got up again and trotted over to her head. He stuck his nose through her hair and nudged her cheek.
"Friend Beast Boy, please," she said plaintively. He mewed.
She lifted her head heavily and pushed her curtain of hair out of the way. She turned onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. Tears still leaked down her cheeks.
Beast Boy hopped onto her stomach, now purring loudly. He kneaded with his paws a little, giving her a cat smile.
Starfire couldn't help herself and a tiny curve accented her lips.
"I thank you for your enthusiasm, but I am not in a good mood just now."
He walked up her body to press his cat nose into her cheek again. She gave him an absent pat on the back. He hopped off her and turned back into himself, his eyes wide and sympathetic and his ears drooping. Starfire glanced up at him, then sat up and threw her arms around his shoulders, burying her face into his neck. He could feel his shirt becoming wet.
"Star," he said sadly, and she continued to cry, her body shaking.
He rubbed her back, the sound of her sobs breaking his heart.
--
After an hour and a half of Starfire laying and crying on Beast Boy's shoulder, she eventually calmed down. Beast Boy had hugged her tight, not needing to say anything, merely rubbing her back soothingly.
Starfire sniffled and managed to sit up. Beast Boy sat up with her.
"Hey, Star?" he said hesitantly.
"Yes?" she mumbled.
"I know… you probably don't want to talk about it, but, I just want to let you know, I… understand how you feel, just a little bit."
Starfire sniffled and looked up at him. "How can you possibly understand how I feel?"
Beast Boy looked down, his cheeks turning a shade of red. "Remember when Raven mentioned that I've been through experiments too?"
"Oh," Starfire said, remembering and now feeling insensitive for asking how he could have understood.
"It wasn't a good time. I was really little and really scared. My parents were dead, and my legal guardian hated my guts, and was all too happy to give me over to the lab coats while he tried to get his grubby paws on my inheritance. They… they kept me in a cage, Star…"
"Oh Beast Boy," Starfire cried, grabbing his hand sympathetically.
"They treated me like I was an animal… took blood samples all the time, poked me with stuff, prodded in all sorts of intimate places… it was horrible…"
Starfire's lip protruded as she frowned sadly.
"I mean, looking back none of it was ethical at all. I'm pretty sure they carried out this stuff in secret. I'm still a human, but they treated me no better than a little lab rat and everything they put me through hurt… I hate needles…"
Starfire squeezed his hand.
"I'm not telling you this because I need attention or anything, or trying to be selfish… but I thought it would help you a little to know that you're not alone. It's scary being in a place like that, when you have no control over what those people do to you, can't escape, and feeling so hopeless…"
Starfire nodded. "That is what it is like," she agreed, her voice still heavy and wavering.
"I'm so sorry, Star."
She looked down for a minute.
"The Psions were very ruthless, amoral, and had no regard for life even amongst their own population. In their soulless quest for knowledge they tested and experimented on any creature they could get their hands on. Tamaranians have one way to rid of the energy we possess, and that is through our eye beams. The Psions were curious as to how much energy a Tamaranian body could hold before it exploded."
Beast Boy looked horrified. "Exploded?"
Starfire nodded. "The Psions rarely left their test subjects alive."
"God, Star…"
"They strapped me to a table in a white sterile room and pumped energy into my body. It was a very slow process at first… they would make Blackfire and I absorb a little more each day, recording whatever data they were looking for. It was on the last day when they were done with their all their experiments except for the final one: the test to see how much energy our bodies could hold until they combusted.
"When the experiment was being conducted it felt as though I had been plunged into the center of a star. My entire body felt like it was engulfed in flames, like I was burning alive. My body convulsed and shuddered uncontrollably. The experiment was nearing completion and I could literally feel my limbs tearing from my torso, could feel my entire being splitting apart, when my body endeavored to save itself. It released in a huge explosion a great ball of green energy from my hands. This wave destroyed the machine that emitted the energy and the lab where the Psions were observing. I then saved my sister… she also discovered that she could release energy through her hands, as she had been exposed to the experiment a little longer than I had. We destroyed the labs and left."
"Hey Star… what about your eyebeams? Couldn't you release energy that way?"
"The use of eyebeams is only possible after a Tamaranian has undergone transformation."
"Oh… you mean that time when you got all shy and thought you were funny looking and ran away?"
Starfire colored, embarrassed. "Yes."
Beast Boy smiled.
"Nothing could ever make you look ugly, Star."
Starfire blushed again. "I do not believe this to be true."
"No, it's true."
He grinned.
Starfire seemed to sober completely, and he could see a thought was crossing her mind. His grin faded when he saw her eyes cloud over again.
"Star," he said, concerned.
She half turned away, waving her hand. "I am sorry," she said tearfully.
"Don't be sorry. Cry if you need to," he said seriously. "Seems like you've been holding this back for years…"
"That may be so," she said in a disturbingly emotionless voice, her face gone blank as a tear rolled down.
Beast Boy hugged her close and gave her a brotherly peck on her cheek. She buried her face into his shoulder.
--
Later that night Beast Boy reappeared in the living room. Cyborg and Raven were having a quiet dinner to themselves, though there was enough for all the Titans on the stove.
"How is she?" Raven asked, looking up when Beast Boy entered the room.
"Bad," he said somberly, and both Raven and Cyborg's faces fell.
"Are you hungry? There's dinner on the stove waiting for you," Raven said, pointing.
"Thanks, guess I'll have a little," Beast Boy sighed, going over and getting a plate out of the cupboard. He helped himself and then wearily sat next to his girlfriend and best friend.
"Seen Rob at all?" he asked, his voice getting a little harder.
"He hasn't had the guts to show himself since this morning," Cyborg stated.
"I'd pound him if I knew I could get my hands on him," Beast Boy's eyes flashed.
"Beast Boy-" Raven started, but he cut her off.
"No Raven. You didn't see what Star was like."
She looked down at her plate. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have pushed her to tell if she didn't want to." Her eyes began to rim with tears again.
"Don't worry 'bout it so much. You did the right thing. Robin may have been a complete ass about it, but Starfire shouldn't have to live with something like that inside her. Eventually it would have eaten away at her, and she might never have been able to get over it," Cyborg said firmly. "Best that it came out now, when things can be repaired."
"I guess you're right," she said, her shoulders drooping. "Beast Boy, do you think Starfire would eat anything?"
He looked grimly thoughtful for a moment, then shook his head. "I don't think so," he said. "She was… like I've never seen her. It was bad Rae… it was really bad." His ears drooped and his eyes looked pained.
Raven sighed and nodded sadly.
"Anyone want to take dinner to Robin?"
Both boys resolutely shook their heads no.
Sooo… ah…
Well I know Kryalla is just all gleeful over there in Australia. Look Kry! Angst and fights and torture and stuff! Her eyes are just gleaming, everyone.
So, I'm so sorry, but I had to do it. There were clues! There were hints! You should've seen this coming, Batman did! There was foreshadowing! The big fight thing? Remember, Star and I have never had a fight like that; you will eventually?
-hides-