... previously ...
The Problem With Secrets
"Merlin ..." said Gwaine urgently.
"Shut up?" he guessed.
"No … go back ..."
"What, you want me to say all of that again?" he asked, horrified.
"No," said Gwaine with a tiny whisper, "just the bit where you said 'needed my magic to defend him.'" The knight's eyes were wide and uncharacteristically fearful.
"No." Merlin shook his head fiercely. "Didn't say that … never would, not even if you got me drunk - well, you have, of course but … "
"That's what you've been hiding? You've been saving Arthur … everyone … all this time with m..."
"Sshh …" Merlin said seriously, putting a long thin finger to his lip. "Yes - no … I mean ... oh, b..."
He glared at his friend who's shocked expression was now starting to turn back to it's usual smug smile. He turned the same finger towards his grinning friend. "Now, drink up and - and have another ..." The warlock picked up his own half empty tankard and poured it into Gwaine's. "In fact, have several more ..."
"Merlin, are you now trying to get me drunk?"
"Yes. Absolutely. I really, really need you to forget this conversation by tomorrow morning," he replied desperately, as Gwaine emptied his tankard.
"Merlin, I hate to break it to you," he said with a laugh, "but there is no way you can afford the amount of alcohol it's going to take to get me that drunk."
"No, no, I guess you're right." Merlin nodded seriously, but a small smile was now beginning to appear at the edge of his mouth. "Still, you might as well finish that one up ..." Gwaine automatically took a sip out of his mug that had, a few moments ago, been totally empty. He suddenly paused, half way through drinking, as he realised this fact, staring first at the liquid and then at his friend, his mouth open in shock.
"Merlin? Did you just ...?"
"Fancy another?" The warlock asked with an innocent smile.
Disclaimer: This story was heavily influenced by (ie pinched from) a Jeeves and Wooster story by P. G. Wodehouse. He was a genius and I am not worthy!
I needed a 'pompous old Lord,' in this and so decided to give the part to my OC from 'The Invisible Servant' Lord Aron. Seeing he did such a good job last time!
Warning: If you're reading this in a public place and found 'The Problem With Secrets' and 'There's Something About Merlin' amusing, then you are likely to get some strange looks during some parts of this. You have been warned! ;)
The Perils Of Parchment
(Part 1)
Merlin's sudden realisation that he had let slip his biggest secret to Gwaine had the useful side effect of rather quickly sobering him up. Not totally, of course, but enough to come up with the inspired scheme of keeping his friend's tankard constantly topped up by means of a minor transporting spell. Merlin had been working on this one for a while – having seen numerous sorcerers come and go in this fashion – but had quickly realised that it was not as easy as it seemed, even for one as naturally talented as him. However, even though he still hadn't managed to move himself from one place to another, he could now transport inanimate objects, including food and drink. This had been especially useful in recent days, when numerous meals were in danger of being skipped due to the extra work load in the aftermath of Morgana's brief reign.
Gwaine had been unusually silent since he found out the truth. He kept looking at his mug, taking far smaller sips than usual, (and far too few for Merlin's liking), and occasionally nodding to himself, as if remembering certain past incidents. The warlock decided that he needed to distract his friend quickly.
"So, about this tournament that Arthur's arranging?" he asked brightly.
"Oh yes, in order to try and convince all the old Lords that we're just as good as a bunch of nobles."
"We?"
"Yes?"
"But, you are noble born, aren't you Gwaine?"
"Well ... perhaps ..."
"You may not have been officially acknowledged up until now but, you were Sir Lot's only son? That must count for something, right?"
"Yes, yes. If I pushed for it, I'm sure ..." He frowned for a moment, deep in thought and Merlin couldn't tell if he was thinking about his title or the secret. Then, the door of the tavern swung open and four familiar figures strode in, two of them having to duck fairly dramatically to get through the door.
"You two started without us?" asked Leon lightly.
"I only seem to remember inviting Merlin here, as it happens," said Gwaine feigning hurt.
"Well, you should know better than trying to keep a drinking session a secret around here. You invite Merlin, he tells Gwen, Gwen tells Elyan ... you know ..."
"Don't be so ungracious, Gwaine," Merlin grinned broadly, grateful for the distraction. "Go grab a large jug and come join us, everyone - Gwaine and I were just talking about Arthur's tourney."
"Merlin, are you ... drunk?" asked Lancelot, in a shocked tone.
"The mead here is very good," he beamed. Elyan laughed and Percival sat down next to Merlin with a big grin, patted him on the shoulder and almost floored him in the process.
Two tables were pulled together, a few extra stools dragged over and the drinking continued, with the jug of mead in the centre of the table emptying at a surprisingly slow rate, considering how often it was being poured from.
"It's a very good idea of Arthur's," said Lancelot, resuming their tourney conversation. "He had been very supportive of us in telling the Lords that we can, and have, fought with honour for Camelot. However they, of course, haven't seen that so ... it makes sense for us to prove our worth to them."
"You've already passed Arthur's initiation though, Lancelot," Merlin pointed out.
"True, but I have improved considerably since then." No-one other than Lancelot would have been able to say that sentence with such modesty and Gwaine raised his eyebrows to the ceiling in disbelief.
"Unfortunately, I haven't," said Elyan quietly, "and I just know I'm going to let the side down."
"Why would you say that?" said Merlin. "You're brilliant."
"Thanks, but ... I'm not as good as these guys and the Lords said ..."
"Don't let them get to you, Elyan," said Leon. "Merlin's right, and thinking like that won't help your confidence."
"Well, I know that but ... I can't help it. They just intimidate me, that's all ... Lord Aron especially." The young man quite visibly shivered.
"Nerves are always a knight's greatest enemy; one he is constantly attempting to gain victory over," said Percival quietly. Merlin was amazed at just how softly spoken the big man was. He didn't talk that often but, when he did, it was usually worth listening to and taking note. "There is a method I used in the past ... when I had a similar problem."
"You, Percival?" said Merlin surprised. The big man just nodded, grinning slightly.
"The thing is, that we are rarely intimidated by those we consider our inferiors," Percival continued.
"Lord Aron is hardly my inferior," Elyan countered.
"In terms of personality he is. All you need to do is bring to mind all the ridiculous characteristics and habits of the person that intimidates you. Make fun of them in your mind and then, when faced with them, they do not seem quite so scary."
"Oh, I know this one," said Gwaine with a grin. "This is the one where you think about them naked, isn't it? It's really not possible to take anyone seriously if they're standing in front of you with no clothes on - especially elderly men." There was a collective groan around the table as everyone pulled faces at the thought.
"Oh, I really don't need that image in my head," said Elyan. "I think I like Percival's idea better."
"Suit yourself."
"So ... Aron. He can be very intimidating certainly," said Leon, enthusiastically latching onto the idea, "but then, there's that that silly moustache of his ..."
" ... which he never shaves straight ..." said Merlin.
"... and the way he says 'no offence' when you know that he plans to do exactly that ..." Lancelot continued.
" ... and remember that time when he ...?"
"Hang on, this is good. I like where you're going with this," said Elyan excitedly. "I need to write these all down."
"Yes, yes, get the man some parchment," said Gwaine, waving his never-empty mug in the air.
"What? Wait ... do you really think that's such a good idea ...?" said Merlin.
"Honestly, such a spoilsport," Gwaine slurred.
"But ..." His objection was drowned out by another interesting observation from Leon, whilst Merlin exchanged an exasperated look with Percival who shook his head sadly. Even the apparently sensible Leon and Lancelot seemed to be joining in now and, the only good thing about this situation was that Merlin now felt quite seriously sober.
This was certain to end badly.
A large scroll of parchment and a quill were now in place in front of Elyan and he was enthusiastically jotting down all the 'interesting' things everyone had to say about the various Lords that were against Arthur's new knights and would have front row seats in the arena in a couple of days time.
"Oh, I feel much better now," Elyan declared. "Those pompous old goats won't be putting me off anymore. Now ... if only the same could be said for Arthur ..."
A sudden, deathly hush descended around the table before slowly, gradually, four large grins started to appear on the faces in front of Merlin. The young warlock dropped his head down onto the table with a groan.
"Oh dear," Percival muttered.
Merlin woke up the next morning to find Gwaine crashed out on a pile of blankets on the floor of his chambers. He groaned as his head ached and his stomach churned and then looked back down at his friend, quite convinced that there was something very important he had to remember about last night.
He'd drunk a lot, he recalled. Gwaine had been spiking his drinks in order to try to find out more about him and ...
"Oh no!" He sat up abruptly and then wished he hadn't as his head pounded cruelly. His shout woke Gwaine up.
"Merlin? How did I get here?"
"Not sure. You do have your own chambers now, after all."
"Oh, I remember, I was helping you home and then ... well I guess I decided it was too much effort." He too started to get up but then stopped, groaning. "Gods, Merlin. How much did I drink last night?"
"More than me, but that's not saying much."
"No, I seem to remember you being tipsy on just one cup of weak ale."
"That was not weak ale ... you spiked it." Merlin shook his head. No, he didn't want to be talking about that part of last night, he didn't want to invite any opportunity for Gwaine to remember. Luckily his friend simply laughed lightly as he got dressed, and the pair walked down the stairs to be greeted by Gaius, clutching two small glasses of bright yellow liquid.
"Good morning, gentlemen. Don't look at it, don't smell it just ..."
"... down it in one. Yes, I know ... been through this before," said Merlin pulling a face.
"You have? Really?" said Gwaine, sounding impressed. "Good of you to be so understanding, Gaius."
"I let Merlin off because it's a rarity, and I'm letting you off just because you just happen to be here but, be warned, both of you, if this becomes a habit, my remedy might well be withheld in future. You're a knight of Camelot now, Gwaine, and do have some responsibilities after all."
"Responsibilities?" he said with a shocked look on his face. "Please, Gaius, don't swear in front of the children." He pointed to Merlin who glared at his friend as he downed the drink. "Yikes ... on second thoughts, withhold away, old boy ... That really is quite revolting."
Merlin parted company from Gwaine, made his way to Arthur's chambers and wasn't at all surprised to see the young Regent already awake. The prince had been having trouble sleeping recently due to all the stress, as evident from the bags under his eyes, and had refused all attempt to persuade him to the tavern the previous night.
Merlin knew his friend wasn't at this best, simply because he was fairly quiet and polite, doing nothing more than rising his eyebrows at Merlin's late and slightly disheveled appearance. 'Good night last night, was it?' said in a sarcastic tone, was as close as he got to his usual insults and so Merlin just nodded and said something about discussing the tourney with the knights.
"Not sure what to do about that, actually," Arthur replied seriously. "I was going to have the six of us against six of the others but ... the whole point is to prove the worth of the commoners and so that automatically excludes me and Leon. However, then it's a matter of which four to choose and what set up would best convince the nobles, isn't it?"
"I suppose, but ... I think perhaps Gwaine had an idea about that, last night?" said Merlin vaguely remembering some comment he was making about getting proof of his nobility.
"You think? Just how drunk were you?" Arthur asked.
"A bit. Is there anything else you need me to do?"
"Yes, you couldn't go and steal my father's sealing ring, could you?"
"What?" Merlin was completely floored by the unexpected request.
"No, you're probably right. You'd be a hopeless thief." He suddenly brightened. "Gwaine would be perfect though. Yes, go out and tell him I need to see him. Actually, never mind. I need to get these cobwebs out of my head anyway, prepare me for training instead."
"Yes, Sire," Merlin said with a sigh. "Ah, why do you need that ring?"
"Well, as Regent, I'm supposed to have the power to seal all official documents and that requires the King's ring, which doubles up as a sealing stamp."
"Of course but, you are Regent, as you said, so you should be given it automatically, shouldn't you?"
"Yes, I should," said Arthur, pulling a face. "But ... Lord Aron has decided that I'm far too young, inexperienced and reckless to have such a responsibility, and has persuaded Father and Geoffrey that it would be 'safer' in his hands."
"Well, 'no offence,' but the old goat can't even shave his moustache straight, so I don't know why he thinks he can straighten out Camelot." Arthur gave his servant a very long look before suddenly, unexpectedly, laughing very loudly.
"That's actually very funny, Merlin - and you got the voice right and everything."
"Well, he ... came up in conversation last night," he replied with a grin for the compliment. "So, you're planning to steal the seal back from Aron then, not from Uther?"
"Of course. Don't worry about it. I'll talk to Gwaine later."
"I'm really don't think ..."
"Didn't we decide years ago that it was much better for everyone if you didn't think, Merlin? Right, have you finished?" His servant nodded with a large sigh. "Good, let's go training then."
"Yes, Sire."
During a break in that morning's training Elyan come running up to Merlin, panic written all over his face.
"Merlin, Merlin, you have to help me. Can you remember what happened to that parchment? No-one else knows who took it and I checked the tavern ... we definitely didn't leave it there."
"Elyan ... I hate to say, 'I told you so' but ..."
"Yes, yes. This is not the time to gloat, Merlin. What if the Lords get a hold of it ... or Arthur?"
"Oh no." Merlin had a sudden sinking feeling. "Elyan, I didn't ... join in with that bit did I? I can remember everyone trying to persuade me – saying something about me knowing things about Arthur that no-one else did but ..." Elyan's lips definitely twitched which Merlin took as a very bad sign.
"All the more reason to find out what happened to it. They all denied it but I think ... well, if anyone has it and isn't saying then it's got to be ..."
"... Gwaine, of course."
"So, you'll talk to him, right? You'll be able to persuade him to do the right thing, won't you? It's in my handwriting, Merlin. If that parchment falls into the wrong hands ..."
Merlin quickly found Gwaine taking a break in the sunshine - still looking a little pale as he struggled with his hangover.
"Elyan's mislaid that parchment he was writing on last night. You didn't take it by chance did you?" he asked the knight.
"Yup."
"Gwaine, honestly – Elyan's frantic. Last night was all about giving him confidence not making him a nervous wreck."
"He'll be fine. He's tougher than he makes out."
"Gwaine, you will hand over that parchment, now!" Merlin ordered in a tone which even surprised himself. Gwaine raised his eyebrows
"Well, I'd love to oblige you, mate, except ... I need this favour from you. I can't decide which side to fight on in this tourney."
"You're going to be on Arthur's side, obviously."
"Yes, but which side is he on?"
"Don't be daft, you can't have just three against ..."
"Three against three; Arthur, me and Leon - the nobles, against Elyan, Percival and Lancelot - the commoners."
"Ah, that might just work ... but didn't Arthur want all four of you on show?"
"Perhaps, but who's the best knight in Camelot? Arthur. Shouldn't the true commoners prove they can fight the one that really matters? If those three can hold their own, or even beat a group that includes Arthur, the Lords will have to take them seriously."
"Yes, but what's to stop you three from going easy on the others?"
"As if," he scoffed. "Anyway could anyone, even Aron, seriously entertain the idea that Leon or Arthur might be fighting dishonourably?"
"Oh, good point. So, what's the favour?"
"I need to show Arthur my seal of nobility."
"Haven't you asked Geoffrey?"
"Yes, he checked and said that I am registered, but that he has no proof that it's me, and that I have no proof to show him and ... he's right."
"Well, what do you expect me to do about it?"
"Well, I was talking to Lancelot about that time he pretended to be a noble and he said that you 'acquired' this document for him. Now, I didn't push the issue as I could see he was being evasive, but, after finding out all about you last night I ..."
"Wait!" He held up a hand. "What?"
"Oh come on, Merlin. You don't honestly think I would have forgotten something like that, do you?"
"Well, I had sort of ... hoped?" he squeaked.
"I'm sure you did," Gwaine laughed, thumping Merlin on the arm. "Thanks for all the free drinks by the way – I'm definitely going to take you out with me more often." Merlin groaned. "And, of course, I have about six thousand questions to ask you but ..." He held up a hand when his friend tried to interrupt. " ... plenty of time for that later. As I was saying, talking to Lancelot, I assumed that you had used your magic to forge a seal of nobility?"
"Ah ... yes," he admitted with a wince.
"So, you can do that again for me? Although, strictly speaking, you won't be forging it, you'll just be making me a copy that you know I'm perfectly entitled to have."
"Well, I'm really not so sure ..."
"Then, of course, I will happily give you the parchment." Merlin's paused, his mouth still open, staring in disbelief at his grinning friend.
"Gwaine? Are you blackmailing me?"
"Yup."
"And, if I say no?" Gwaine just grinned. "Gwaine ... you wouldn't ... tell Arthur about ..." he looked around nervously and dropped his voice to a whisper, "... my magic?"
"What and risk loosing that pretty little head of yours? Of course not. Honestly, Merlin, what do you take me for? No, your secret is safe with me but, if you don't oblige me, then that eloquent little note of Elyan's just might find it's way onto your beloved Princess' desk."
"Arthur? Why would that ...?"
"You do remember that he was a late addition to that little prose?"
"Yes but ..."
"And you remember the gossip Leon said he'd overheard? The talk in regard to all the extra 'services' Arthur requires of his favourite little manservant?"
"That didn't get written down?" he asked horrified.
"That and numerous observations and fascinating stories about his royal pratness, including your own, very interesting contribution, of course."
"I didn't? I mean I know you tried to make me but ... I'm quite sure I ..." Merlin frowned as he desperately tried to remember what he'd said last night.
"Well yes, you did seem to object quite a bit at first – seemed quite upset about how much we were trying to pressurise you. In fact, I clearly remember you saying that there was no way you were ever going to tell us anything about the birthmark Arthur has on his ..."
"Stop, right there!" Gwaine smirked at him. "Gods, was I that drunk? Wait, you mean to say that Elyan wrote that down too? If Arthur ever reads it he'd know it was me ..."
"... because only you get to see that part of his ...?"
"Oh, stop it, Gwaine. I prepare his bath for him, that's all. Get your mind out of the gutter."
"Spoilsport. So, you'll copy that document for me then?"
"Yes, Gwaine," he sulked.
"Good. You toddle off and do that then. I've got to go and steal a ring for Arthur."
Merlin shook his head sadly. This was going to be a very long day.
xoXox
A/N Anyone recognise which J&W book/episode inspired this? Can you tell which Wodehouse characters our Merlin crowd are playing?
The second part of this is going to be the finale of this fic – Chapter 20. Sorry about that but, I'm only missing Chapter 19 now (and inspiration struck on that last night), and so should be able to update regularly until then (see my profile page for the latest info).
off-topic note: The next thing on my 'to do' list is to extend my fic 'Sensing Magic,' which so many people have asked/begged for. I do have a second chapter roughly written, but currently have no idea where I want it to end up. If you've read it and liked it, please PM me with your thoughts and suggestions about how you'd like it to progress. Thanks.