Disclaimer: I don't own anything but a pair of red-patent-leather-fuck-me-boots that I have never worn.
Outside of the bedroom. ;)
Positions, INC
Breaking in Bella
"So, let me get this straight; you want me to walk up and down Main Street with a sign on my back, advertising Positions, Incorporated?"
"Yep."
I let out a sigh and pinch my nose hard.
I have pinched it so many times since I tied in with the likes of Bella Swan that I now have a deviated septum. Ole Carlisle, fetch-my-medical-bag-I-specialized-in –ears-nose-throats will probably perform surgery on me after my mother clears the dinner table.
With a bottle of Chivas … rocks, on the side, a butter knife, and a YouTube video.
He says he's sick of hearing me whine, and my father can be a mean bastard with a sick sense of humor.
Especially on tuna fish casserole night. He hates that shit. And honestly, so do I. I mean, the only one in the family who likes it is Emmett, and that's only because he is the most disgusting individual on the planet. He takes that role very seriously, which is why I cannot stomach the looks, sight, or smell of that crap. Have you ever played the seafood game? You know … the one where the person says, 'See my food?' Ugh. My stomach churns just thinking about that potato-chip-topping oozing from his teeth.
"What's wrong?"
"Eh, I'm feeling a bit queasy on account of this Peptic Ulcer I've contracted that no one is interested in diagnosing let alone treating."
"Oh, my God ... me too! Wait, I have some Tums in my pharmaceutical bag!"
Pharmaceutical bag?
She runs over to the counter and grabs this humongous suitcase thing, which is supposed to be a purse. I have never known any girl to carry a bag quite like this one; you could float to Europe and back with that for God's sake.
She roots around and produces a large, plastic bag that is lined with various bottles and containers of medication. Damn … it really is a pharmacy in a bag! She struts back over to me and hands me a small white bottle.
"These aren't Tums."
"No, this is Midol; I'm out of Tums. But it says it's good for cramps."
I look at her blankly … cramps?
What is she …?
Oh. I shove the bottle back at her so fast it almost knocks her out of her red, patent leather, don't-bother-to-pray-for-me-to-get-well-soon-cuz-if-this-is-heaven-I-don't-wanna-be-resuscitated, boots.
She's been wearing these boots for thirty minutes every day to practice. She grabs my shoulder and I brace myself before she falls.
Again
"What time is it?"
"Time to take those fuckers off before you take my dick off again with your spikes," I say, not joking. Christ-she almost castrated me a few days ago, and now she wants to complete her mission by giving me period pills. If I don't watch out I'll be pigging out with Ben and Jerry's and reclining on the sofa in yoga pants. Ole Esme would probably love that; she's always wanted a girl.
"I didn't take your "dick off …" stop exaggerating."
"No, but you got closer to Sam than any woman has in months."
"You named your dick, Sam? Why, Sam?"
"I didn't … Tanya did. She probably had a girlfriend named Samantha and was being ironic, who knows?"
"Huh."
"Yeah."
"Well, someone has to be a sign carrier, Edward, and I have too much to do inside to be out there flouncing around in these damn boots."
"Great … I can just see Ole Esme coming down the pike watching her baby boy marching up and down with a sign that say's Positions, INC: For all your personal needs. She'll probably hop out of the minivan so fast she'll forget to put it in park and it'll be half-way to Seattle before she realizes she's no longer behind the wheel. No, I think you should be the one to do it; maybe we can prop you up next to a pole or something."
"But I'll look like a two-bit hooker!"
"And you just made my point, Bella.
Look, you want business don't you?"
"Well, yes …"
"And you're in the business of selling sex, right?"
"Well, technically I'm in the business of selling sexual support, Edward."
"Yeah, but when they see you in those boots, the men are going to lose their shit. And their women are going to want to look just like you in the bedroom, once they put their husbands' tongues and eyeballs back in their heads. Ole Carlisle will probably have to get another medical degree to keep up with the flood of new customers he'll be getting on a daily basis."
We argue back and forth for the better part of an hour while we empty boxes and crates and stock the shelves. Neither of us knows a damn thing about any of this shit, and in between her "Eww and Gross" (and me constantly rearranging my dick) we finally lay down on the floor in defeat.
"Why would anyone want to shove a set of beads up their ass? I don't get it. If you put a thermometer in a baby's butt, poop comes out, so wouldn't that same concept apply to adults?"
"Maybe. I don't know."
"I guess that's why they sell those enema kits next to the beads and plugs."
"Yeah … because having an enema before fucking is so romantic …"
"I guess some couples make it part of foreplay."
"And what exactly is the purpose of an anal plug; is it to keep the shit stuffed inside your ass while a guy is diddling you?" I ask, teasing her.
I love to tease her; she's so damn naive!
"I have no idea.
Oh my God … why? Does shit sometimes fall out when a guy diddle's a girl?"
I throw my head back and laugh my ass off.
I haven't laughed this much since the afternoon Binx Waters strung Blowhardt's underwear up the flagpole at Dartmouth only to discover they were covered in hash marks the size of Texas. Binx kept dry heaving the remainder of the afternoon, crying, "Ugh, I touched them with my bare hands!"
Bella punches me in the arm, which only makes me laugh that much harder.
This girl is hysterical!
And dead sexy.
How is she still a virgin?
You should ask yourself the same question, Slug.
Oh, right.
But at least I've done other stuff.
"Bella, Please tell me you've been diddled before?"
She rolls on her side and looks at me and shakes her head no.
"Seriously?"
"I told you that I never had time for dates let alone, um, diddling. I don't know the first thing about any of this stuff.
Nothing
Oh my God … how am I going to get this place on its feet when I've never been off mine long enough to have some pimple-faced, high school boy even manage to cop a feel?" She wails.
I pick up a vibrator and twirl it in my hands. It has batteries so I flick the switch and it begins to hum.
Hmm …
"Hey, Bella?"
She looks hard at my face (but not as hard as the dick between my legs because it's already past the point of wood with the thoughts that are running amuck inside my sex deprived, sick mind.) I wiggle my eyebrows and smirk. A look of horror crosses her face and I have to bite the inside of my cheek from laughing.
"Absolutely not. Nooooo!"
I sit up and put my hands on her shoulder reassuringly.
"Look … you need to at least know something about what you're selling (and I need to get laid badly.) How in the hell are you ever going to sell this shit if you haven't even sampled the goods?"
Okay, I know I have ulterior motives; I do have a genius IQ and have studied psychology under the tutelage of Dr's. Phil and OZ. But this chick does need an education and my father is a doctor and all. I grab a box of DVDs and rummage through them, looking for some good porn to get her warmed up to the idea.
"Hey … you have a DVD player in the office, right?"
She nods her head, leery of my next statement.
"Well, why don't we watch a little of this stuff so you can ease your way into this den of inequity you've built yourself?"
"You mean porn?"
"Correct. Hey, you have watched porn before, right?"
"I've watched a little porn. I mean, I'm a virgin, not Mother Theresa. Which one did you pick?"
I look at the cover. It's vampire porno with a sexy vamp-dude and a wide-eyed, hot, sexy girl. She has long dark hair, and pale skin.
Just like Bella …
My mouth fills with saliva in anticipation and I swallow it down before I drool all over myself.
"Edward?"
"Um, it's a stupid title, but don't go by that, okay?" I hand it to her and she looks it over carefully.
"Breaking In Dawn …," she muses. I nod my head anxiously, I mean, excitedly.
"Huh. That does sound stupid."
I shrug and give her a hopeful look.
Well, hoping that my tongue is still inside my mouth, anyway.
The second she stands (with her beautiful- bodacious-butt directly in my face) I am on my feet. In fact, I jump up so fast that I actually pull a hamstring and have to stifle a scream or two.
Maybe I'll have to take one of her period pills after all just to be able to perform.
I told you; when it comes to women, if it weren't for bad luck then I'd have no luck at all.
I'll probably have to have Ole, Stand-Back-I'm-A-Doctor check me out the second I get home.
Damn
Nevertheless, the moment I see her round the corner and head to her office in those red, patent-leather-fuck-me-boots, I forget all about my hamstring.
"Are you coming, Edward?"
Oh, God …
I hope so.
****PINC****
A/N: So … it's only been two years since I updated PINC. Lol … if you were waiting the whole time for an update I apologize profusely. The truth is, I started this little story in January of 2013 and I also started A Crack in the door around the same time. With both stories told in EPOV I found it to be too challenging and I kept mixing the voices up in my head. (Huh ... do you think I might have a problem? Lol. Yeah.)
ACITD is now complete, and even though I do have a new (ish) multi-chapter (Welcome to What-A-Burger) story, it is told in BPOV. Therefore, I think it's safe to finally let Edward Cullen out of hiatus.
Let the good times roll!
Thanks to my fic Sis frannie for doing the edits, and especially for being my friend!
Please leave a review to let me know that you still have a pulse and all.
xo
Jayne