AN: Apologies for the delay in updating, won't happen again. Thanks again to everyone who takes the time to comment or follow the story, I genuinely really appreciate it.
Disclaimer – These characters clearly don't belong to me – I'm simply making them do what I want for a little while.
Falling Slowly – Chapter 5
I can feel my heart pumping inside my chest; can almost believe I feel my blood running through my veins. And I can similarly feel Teresa Lisbon trying to remove herself from my arms; which is frankly the most horrible, horrible way that this could finish.
Everything just changed.
Teresa Lisbon loves me. Out loud – she loves me. I think she might have loved me in this way for about three minutes, but since hearing the words I have been panicking about how to respond – so I could be wrong about exactly how long we have been in this new state of existence.
But as I mentioned apparently I have hesitated too long – which is laughable, obviously, as my countless years of inaction would bear witness too – and Teresa is trying to remove herself from my hold.
"Jane, let me go."
"We've been over this Teresa; that is not an acceptable proposal. Not ever."
I reclaim my hold on her, my arms wrapping easily round her slight figure; enjoying very much that I can enfold her entirely within my arms.
"Jane, I'm not kidding, let me go."
The sweet warmth of Lisbon against me is abruptly taken away, as Teresa wrenches herself out of my hold and moves away from me; turning her back as she moves quickly to distance herself from our brief moment of intimacy.
"Where are you going Teresa, I rather imagined we were in the middle of something quite remarkable just now."
I can't imagine why she even would want to be in the same room as me, I just heard how insufferable I must sound.
"No, Jane; we're not in the middle we're done now. And I'm tired, so maybe it's time to go back to your motel or go to work or somewhere else that isn't here ..."
I realise that Teresa has turned her back on me to hide her tears; damnable woman. I follow her, as I always will, trying to find my way back into her arms.
"I'm tired too. I thought I was Patrick tonight, what just happened?"
That at least gets a reaction; Teresa spins round to look at me as though I am the crazy man I would undoubtedly have become without her steadying presence in my life. She is beautiful in the low light of her living room, though the tear tracks are visible evidence of my utter worthlessness. I close the remaining distance between us, lifting my fingers on pure reflex to wipe away her tears. I leave the palm of my hand against the curve of her cheek, delighting that Teresa can't seem to prevent herself from instinctively moving closer to the warmth of my touch. Feeling her skin against my hand evokes the kind of happiness I have been unfamiliar with for years.
"It's time for you to go, Patrick."
That she continues to seek out my touch is comforting, though it might be completely at odds with the words she is whispering to me. I stroke the pad of my thumb against her cheek bone and my stomach clenches in something like happiness as Teresa closes her eyes in pleasure as I touch her.
"I can't leave, Teresa, you must know that."
Teresa opens her eyes and I am subjected to the horrifying sight of more tears; selfishly I pull her back into my arms, burying my face in her hair as I hide from the sadness written all over her face. She remains as stubborn as always, refusing to return my hug and instead stands with her arms limply at her side.
"I can't keep repeating myself Patrick, you need to go. Please. Please don't make me ask you again."
"I know I've behaved exactly as you would have expected tonight Teresa, but I don't mean to. Please, give me a few minutes to talk to you – and if you still want me to leave then I will go away and lie awake all night in my attic. I promise."
I didn't lie to Teresa when I told her I was unwilling to let her go, but I force myself to loosen my hold on her as I move back to look her in the eyes again. She is genuinely the bravest person I have ever known; regardless of how I treat her, or seem to betray her she never fails to offer me honesty when I look in her eyes. I don't acknowledge often how lucky I know that makes me, but I intend to tonight. I need to act before Teresa has the chance to simply throw me out of her apartment, something we both know she is more than capable of. So instead of giving her any choice, I simply take her hand in mine and lead her over to her couch. I sit and pull her down beside me, keeping her hand in mine to let her know I need her absolute attention. Which is a lie, again; I keep her hand in mine as now that I have touched her I find myself simply unable to let go. I was sensible to keep my distance all these years, as it turns out I am in fact powerless to resist the softness of her skin.
"Teresa, I've behaved badly tonight."
She gives a little sad laugh when I say this, and tries to pull her hand out of mine to move away from me. I don't let her; I won't ever let her do that. Strange that I can admit this to myself and yet I struggle so badly to articulate these words to this lovely women who has stood beside me all these years. I tighten my hold on her hand and turn to face her so she can see the truth of my words, at least I hope she will be able to read the truth of them.
"Okay, you can laugh at me if you want Teresa so I will admit to bad behaviour on more occasions that tonight – and you know I will disappoint you in the future too, you've always known that about me. I could blame Red John for this; blame my relentless pursuit of him for my tendency to be an idiot… But Teresa, I was entirely capable of being unbearable before him. You know me well enough to know that, of course."
"You're rambling Jane, this isn't necessary."
"I am rambling, and it's wholly necessary. What you said to me tonight…"
"Don't. Please don't be obliged to pity me, or say anything you can deny or forget when it suits your purpose to. I'm a big girl, I'm fine. I meant what I said, I don't regret it and that's it. You're not obliged to return my feelings, you're not obliged to do anything – you've never indulged my feelings in the past."
"Teresa…"
"I'm sorry that's unfair and not true actually. Sorry. Look, it's been a long night and we're both tired. I plan on sleeping all day tomorrow and I'd like to get started on that as soon as possible. You should stay in a hotel tonight; sleep in a real bed this weekend."
She manages to escape my grasp this time as she stands and starts to walk to her door; I imagine I am supposed to follow her. So I do, of course. But I won't do what I am supposed to, I do what I want. For the first time in as long as I can remember my impulse is to experience happiness, warmth and peace. All that remains now is that I convince Teresa she is all of these things to me. So I follow as I said I would, but when she turns to hand me my jacket I take it and throw it to the floor; once again pulling Teresa into my arms and surrendering to her warmth.
"What are you doing?"
"I would have hoped that was obvious my dear."
My arms encircle her waist, my lips at her temple and I patiently wait for her capitulation. I squeeze her a little, and place the softest of kisses against her skin, begging in my own way for her to give in. Give in Teresa, please; for us.
"Why are you doing this?"
"I would have thought that too was obvious my dear."
My words are whispered into her hair as she finally, finally moves her arms to wrap around me in return. I allow us this for a few moments, standing with our arms wrapped around each other – I had genuinely forgotten the pure pleasure of holding someone you love in your arms. I wasn't lying when I told her I can't let her go, it would be impossible for me to do that now; especially with the heightened knowledge that she miraculously returns my feelings. Now I have the small task of convincing Teresa that my holding her is honest, and that my feelings are too.
"You're so little Teresa."
Well that was a genuinely brilliant attempt at convincing a woman of your utter devotion, I believe I deserve the smack I am almost certain to be on the receiving end of.
"That's the best you've got is it Jane?"
I can feel the warmth of her breath against my chest as she whispers these words to me; frankly she could say anything to me when I can feel the exhalation of her breath against me like that.
"That sounded more complimentary in my head Teresa. I meant you are petite, and lovely and perfect, frankly."
"Hush."
I can tell she is both smiling and blushing even though her face is buried in my chest and I am unable to see her lovely reaction to my words. I pull her closer to me and kiss her temple again.
"I was trying to tell you that I know you always protect me, that I am still here because I have had you to watch over me all these years. And I find it remarkable that there is such strength and power in such a diminutive package. I am so grateful for you and your strength Teresa, but tonight I wanted to ask you the favour of allowing me to protect you. You've been protecting me for years, let me do this; allow me this."
"I don't know what you're talking about Jane."
"Patrick, I'm going to have to insist you call me Patrick."
"Well I don't know what either of you mean then."
I loosen my hold on her slightly, moving so I can look into her eyes. I stare at her, frankly; humbled again by the honesty I can always find in her eyes. This connection we have when we look into each other's eyes has always been palpable but tonight the intensity is tangible. I could forgo the words I am about to say and I think Teresa would still understand what I am trying to communicate.
"Call me Patrick tonight, please?"
Her eyes are huge and luminously beautiful as she smiles at me for the first time in what feels like hours.
"Patrick."
It's my turn to close my eyes in pleasure; the subtle nuances of her voice as she says my name is almost enough to drive me to forgetting that I intend to only talk with this woman tonight. I bravely open my eyes again and am faced with the bewitching sight of Teresa Lisbon smiling with a look of utter happiness on her face; she looks beautiful happy, I would be a complete idiot if I were to ever cause her not to smile. This knowledge will not prevent me causing her sadness in the future, I know that and yet I can't stop myself from what I know I will have to do. I should be saying some of these words out loud, that is the very least that Teresa deserves from me. My hands are on her slim hips and my eyes locked with hers as I finally confess the truth to her.
"I need you to understand that you are the most important person in my life. He is not more important than you are, please accept that as fact. What you said to me tonight, it means everything to me because it means I can have a future. And you must know I feel the same way, but I can't… Teresa, I can't share words with you while he lives. He knows me, you know how well Red John has come to know me – and if I were to tell you what I feel I wouldn't be able to hide it from him. I wouldn't be able to protect you."
"Patrick, I don't need you to protect me."
My fingers tighten on her hips, pulling her closer to me, our chests almost touching now.
"Don't you understand Teresa, I need to protect you. He destroys people I care about – he eviscerated my family; I won't allow him to do that for a second time. He knows me; imagine what he could do."
"I don't want you imagining that Patrick, please tell me that's not a reason you don't sleep – you shouldn't be thinking of scenarios that might not even happen."
"I have to; I have to be ready for anything."
It's Teresa who moves to offer comfort this time, her fingers trailing across my cheek and then dangerously her thumb slides across my bottom lip.
"I want you to live too, Patrick, don't forget about that."
"I won't, I promise. I want you to know something, and I want you to listen to me – maybe listen to what I don't say and know that those silent, unspoken words are for you."
I give in to my new compulsion and pull Teresa back into my arms, resting my head back against her temple as I try and convince her of my devotion.
"I want you to know that I won't tell you how I feel until this is over, until I have achieved what you don't want me to. I know we will deal with that hurdle when we have to. But first I want you to know and accept exactly what I am telling you when I buy you expensive coffee, or make you stop and eat some lunch I've bought for you. I want you to know what I'm telling you when I do these things for you. I want you to know what I am thinking when I try and take care of you a little, and I desperately need for you to let me. I want you to accept as truth what I am telling you when I call you Teresa. Do you understand? Please tell me you understand what I'm telling you Teresa…"
I kiss her forehead, marvelling at the sensation of a trembling Teresa Lisbon in my arms. I run my fingers down her spine, soothing her as much as I am able to with my touch.
"I understand, Patrick."
"Okay then."
And that should be it, if I were a better man I would leave her alone to come to terms with this oddly wonderful development in our lives. But Teresa Lisbon hasn't chosen a better man, she chose me.
"Can I stay here tonight Teresa? I just mean to sleep, really I do. I'd like to sleep beside you for a few hours tonight if you would let me."
"This isn't healthy Patrick you know, or sane."
"I know, but I don't care – it's us."
"You really are insufferable, you know."
"I do indeed know that, but my question remains – can I sleep here tonight?"
"You know you can."
So I follow Teresa upstairs to her bedroom and sit down on her bed as she goes about her nightly routine. I can hear her in the bathroom washing her face and brushing her teeth – it takes every ounce of restraint I have to stop myself from going in to watch her. It's been too long since I've shared this level of intimacy with someone. I'm smiling as I sit here, unused to this feeling of contentment, as Teresa leaves the bathroom scrubbed free of make-up and wearing a white bathrobe. She looks utterly adorable.
"Patrick, there are towels and a spare tooth brush in the bathroom if you want to get ready for bed."
"Thank you my dear."
So I brush my teeth at the same sink Teresa has just used, look at myself in the same mirror that moments before held her lovely reflection. I could get used to this so easily, I hope one day I get the chance to. I remove my vest and my shoes and wash my face. When I return to the bedroom Teresa is already in bed, watching me as I place my clothes on a chair by her bedside.
"Come to bed, Patrick."
Those are the four most profound words anyone has spoken to me in years.
I do as I am told, obviously.
I climb under the covers, ridiculously comfortable suddenly despite the fact I'm still wearing my trousers and shirt.
"These are expensive sheets Teresa; you like to pamper yourself after all."
"Are you going to tease me even now?"
And she's right of course, what am I doing? I reach for her hand and bring it to my lips, kissing her softly as appeasement and apology.
"Will you try and sleep, Patrick?"
"Of course, I usually try it just doesn't always happen."
We are lying close together, our heads resting on the same pillow. I'm exhausted suddenly, and I know Teresa can barely keep her eyes open – she wasn't lying earlier when she confessed how tired she was. We should both try and get some rest.
"Teresa, can I hold you tonight?"
Even I can hear how pathetic those words are, but I hold my breath nonetheless as I wait for an answer.
"You know what, Patrick, my bed means my rules; I get to hold you for a little while."
Like I said before; she is utterly adorable. I rest my head against her chest as Teresa wraps her arms around me; I close my eyes and rest in the warmth of her embrace.
When I wake up it's clearly morning, the early morning sunshine feels warm against my back. I have moved slightly in my sleep, I wake with head on Teresa's stomach – thrilling doesn't even come close to describing it. I kiss her warm skin through the fabric of the large baseball jersey she sleeps in.
"Morning Patrick."
Sleepy Lisbon is every bit as cute as I hoped she would be.
"Good morning Teresa."
I push against the boundaries of what I should allow myself and kiss her stomach again, resting my lips against the fabric of her shirt as I imagine a time when this could be my life.
Not yet, however.
"I have to go, Teresa."
"I know."
"You're lovely to wake up to Teresa."
Those are not flattering words, just truth.
I leave the warmth of Teresa Lisbon's bed, find my vest and shoes and promise myself I will find my way back to this room, and this woman. Teresa is spectacular in her sleep wear as she follows me downstairs to see me out. I won't be able to hug her goodbye as I don't think I have the strength to resist her when she is so apparently vulnerable and utterly lovely.
I face her as I slip into my jacket, trying to say my goodbyes and inadequately thank her for the most restful night I have spent in ten years.
"Please don't work this weekend Teresa, relax and be good to yourself. I'll see you Monday morning, I'll bring you coffee."
She smiles that gorgeous smile of hers and with strength I didn't know I had, I smile at her in return and walk out of her door and head towards my car.
"Patrick."
Her voice is soft, but insistent so I turn around to face her as she throws herself into my arms. There is a big part of me that is elated she is not making this easy for me, that she never will.
"You have to take care of yourself too Patrick, and if you want to sleep then you come here and sleep. You understand? You can always come here to rest."
I tighten my arms around here, choking on the words I can't say yet. But I have to say something.
"You do know I'll always choose you over him. If it came down to it, it would always be you…"
I pull back to look at her, to tell whether she believes me or not but she beats me to it.
"I don't believe you."
Those words are not said with disappointment or anger, just acceptance.
"You will, one day soon you will believe me Teresa. Now get inside before you cause an accident being outside dressed like that."
She blushes endearingly as I watch her reluctantly return to her apartment; I stare at her door long after it's closed and Teresa is safely inside.
I can feel an ending in the future; I just hope it's one I will live through.