A/N: Thank you to the people who let me know this uploaded weird. Hopefully this time it works.

Okay so I lied. This chapter turned out to be a monster (no pun intended) so I split it up. In the second half, which I am still working on, the two new characters will come in and we will learn more about Clarke. In this first half we get a lot of backstory about Bellamy that hopefully clarifies things.

Hope you enjoy it!

After some strong convincing, Finn agreed to stop by after his shift ended that night. When he finally texted Clarke that he was outside, she became a bundle of nerves. Clarke really liked Finn and although they had only been together for a short month, she liked to think he could be long-term. It was very important that he make a better impression, because Clarke also had a feeling the Blakes would be in her life for a while.

As she led him through the house to where people were gathered out back, Finn held onto her hand tightly. Clarke could sense how nervous he was about being back at the Blake's. The night before (after they had gotten back to his place) it had been Finn's turn to rant about Bellamy while Clarke just sat quietly on the couch, lost in thought.

However, social gatherings of any kind were Finn's element and as soon as Octavia's friends surrounded him he began to open up. Before long, Finn had become the main source of entertainment. Seated in one of the camping chairs, he told story after story of his travels and experiences at the hospital. Jasper and Monty watched him with amazement in their eyes, hanging on to his every word. Octavia and Lincoln shared a chair and although they were mostly wrapped up in each other, the pair occasionally tuned into Finn's latest tale. From her seat next to Finn, Clarke watched the other guests meander around the small yard. She was reminded of how safe and content she had felt all those weeks ago when Bellamy had stood at her side handing her dead leaves. Zoning out of Finn's of story about the month he spent with a tribe in the Amazon, Clarke scanned the yard for a familiar, freckled face. She had only seen Bellamy once since the party started and his change in behavior that morning still had her bewildered. Part of her was aching to see if the change had stuck or if Bellamy was already back to his old self. Kissing Finn on the cheek and muttering something about getting another drink, she moved away from the fire and back through the sliding glass doors into the house. There were much fewer people inside. One couple she vaguely recognized was tangled on the couch and Murphy was leading a game of beer pong on the dining room table. There was still no sign of Bellamy.

Pushing through the small crowd chanting Murphy's name, Clarke worked her way into the kitchen to refill her cup and take a breather from the party. It was there that she finally found the man she had been seeking. He was talking to Miller in the corner by the sink. Although his back was to Clarke, she recognized the dark curls and broad shoulders under his navy blue tee. She must have been staring a little too long because Miller made brief eye contact with her before nodding to Bellamy and leaving the kitchen.

"I haven't seen you around much tonight." Her voice made him start. She realized that he must not have known she was behind him. Bellamy turned towards her and ran a hand through his messy curls, shooting her a small smirk.

"I told you, Princess, I plan to keep my distance from our lord and savior, Dr. Finn Collins." His tone was incredibly lighter than it had been during their interactions in recent weeks. Despite the evident sarcasm laced bitterness, Bellamy seemed to be trying not to start a fight with her. Maybe miracles do happen.

"That doesn't mean you can't enjoy a party in your own house."

"Eh, I'm an old man now. These kinds of things aren't quite my style anymore. Anyways, who says I'm not enjoying it? Maybe my definition of fun isn't exactly sitting around listening to some the future winner of the Nobel Peace Prize tell stories about his life changing travels," Bellamy said sarcastically while rolling his eyes and placing a glass in the sink. A second after the words left his mouth he froze and quickly added, "No offense, Princess."

Choosing to ignore his comment, Clarke asked him a question that had been chewing at her mind since her first real conversation with Bellamy months ago. "Why do you call me that?"

"What?"

"Why do you call me 'princess'? You told Finn off for calling me 'princess' last night but here you are using it now."

"Because that's my name for you." He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"You can't own a name."

He just snorted and shook his head. "Clearly the name doesn't bother you that much if you let the illustrious doctor use it."

"Its different when he says it."

Bellamy's only response was a raised eyebrow.

"It is," Clarke insisted. "When he says it, its like…its like a pet name I guess. Like sweetheart or honey."

"How do you know it isn't a pet name when I use it on you?" Bellamy's voice had taken on a seductive tone and his smirk reached devilish heights.

She gawked at him and let out an incredulous huff. "Yeah right." Clarke moved over to where he stood at the sink and dropped in her cup. She was closer to Bellamy than she had been in days and his body heat seemed to radiate outwards. Though her eyes were trained on the sink, Clarke could feel his steady gaze on her and for some reason it made her insides squirm. "Anyways, stop avoiding the question, Blake."

"What question, Princess?"

Clarke turned to face him, surprised at how warm his face looked. It was like a flashback to their brief time together in the city. "Why do you call me that?"

"It suits you."

She raised her eyebrows in question and Bellamy barked out a small laugh.

"Just look at you. You are all manners and demands. The world runs on your command."

Clarke rolled her eyes and shoved him away, but a smile remained plastered to her face.

"Hey you two." Octavia came waltzing into the kitchen and grabbed another bottle of beer. "Do my eyes deceive me or are you shitheads actually getting along?"

Both Clarke and Bellamy shrugged sheepishly, like children caught stealing cookies from the cupboard. Octavia let out a laugh and grabbed Clarke's hands. "I think that inviting Finn was a fantastic idea! Everyone loves him and things are already better. And you," she pointed to her brother, "you are so good."

"I think maybe its time to lay off the alcohol," Bellamy said affectionately, staring down at his visibly drunk younger sister.

"No, I mean it, Bellamy. Thank you for listening to me." Octavia turned back to Clarke, "And thank you for dating such a fascinating guy. I'm not gonna lie, after last night I thought he was a dick for talking shit about my brother and I thought you were a dick for letting him talk shit about my brother but now," the brunette paused to collect herself, "now I love you guys and I'm so happy!" She hiccuped once and skipped out of the kitchen, leaving her housemates in an awkward silence.

Bellamy scratched the back of his head and tied to mutter an excuse about making sure Murphy hadn't gotten in any fights but Clarke grabbed his arm before he could make an escape.

"What did she mean, when she thanked you for listening to her?"

Bellamy's blush reached his ears and Clarke couldn't help but notice how it made his freckles stand out even more. As she stared up at his face he refused meet her eyes. "Last night, after you left, I was pretty pissed. She talked to me for a while, told me that I should make more of an effort to be nice. That I shouldn't be so harsh and judgmental. It was really her idea to invite Finn tonight."

Clarke let out a quiet "oh" before releasing the thick, tanned arm she had forgotten she was holding. She tried to ignore how much she missed the warmth of his skin.

"O said you had been making an effort to be patient with me, and I felt kinda shitty about how I had acted so..."

"No, no I get it. Thanks."

He just nodded and another awkward silence fell over them.

"Well, I should probably go back out to the fire before-"

"Clarke, wait." She paused halfway across the kitchen and turned back to him. Despite his impressive height and build, she couldn't help but notice how much Bellamy looked like a little kid in that moment.

"What?"

"I'm willing to try, if you are. I mean I doubt we will always get along because I'm gonna be honest, you drive me crazy, Princess. But maybe… for O we could."

"Yeah. I'd like that."

He nodded and she turned to leave, his gaze burning against the back of her neck.

As Clarke lay in bed that night she stared at the ceiling that once was Bellamy's and wondered what he was like as a kid.

Over the next week Clarke quickly learned that the Fourth of July was a ritual in the Blake household. While they sat eating breakfast one morning, Octavia animatedly told her all about their tradition of going to a beach on Lake Michigan to watch the fireworks.

"We have been doing it for as long as I can remember. First it was just Bell, Mom, and I but after Mom passed and Bell joined the army the others were brought in too. We always go to the same spot and build a big bonfire!"

"It sounds great! The Fourth of July has always been one of my favorite holidays."

"Oh, me too! Its that one day a year where everything truly feels like summer! You have to come with us Clarke, all the guys are coming too, also Maya and Harper. Oh! You should invite Finn! I'm bringing Lincoln for the first time this year!" Octavia beamed with excitement at the prospect of including Lincoln so intimately in her life.

"Well I'm pretty sure I have the day off but I need to double check. I'll be sure to ask Finn though, hopefully it all works out."

"Sounds good, but just be prepared. It is serious business preparing to go to the beach. Bell acts like its some mission or something."

"Duly noted."

"You two seem to be getting along better recently," Octavia drawled out, her eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, I guess we finally decided to grow up."

"Well, I can't say I miss how it was. I'm glad you two finally got your shit together."

As if on cue, Bellamy walked into the kitchen complaining about the hot water bill and blaming Clarke and her extra long showers for the increased expenses. This in turn, prompted an argument that made Octavia question whether they really had, in fact, gotten their shit together.

On July Fourth at 8:00am sharp Clarke found herself sitting on the carpet Octavia despised waiting for her marching orders. Maya, Harper, Monty, Jasper, Miller, Murphy, Finn and Lincoln were seated around the room. Blinking sleepily, Clarke let her head fall onto Finn's shoulder while she watched Octavia and Bellamy argue over how best to transport the group to Lake Michigan.

"I'm telling you, Octavia, the less cars the better. The parking there is always hell."

"But it makes sense for people to take their own cars if they brought them, that way they can go directly home afterwards."

"What about drinking, huh? Is everyone going to agree not to drink? If we take fewer cars there are fewer designated drivers. People can just stay here tonight and leave in the morning."

Octavia paused before huffing out an indignant breath. She knew she had lost. "Fine. How are we gonna split up."

"I can take four in the truck. Miller can take four-"

"I can take four in my car," Finn called out. Bellamy barely gave him a glance of acknowledgment. Octavia smiled and thanked Finn.

"So who goes with who?"

"Well we need to figure out drivers first. I'm not letting any of you fuckers drive my truck, so I won't drink. Miller do you care? Does anyone plan on not drinking?"

Maya raised her hand to indicate she didn't plan on drinking before adding, "I also need to leave early because I leave for Memphis early tomorrow morning, so I can borrow someone's car and take back anyone wanting to come back early."

"You can have my car, Maya," Finn smiled.

"I'm fine with not drinking, Blake." Miller chimed in.

"Alright, now we just need to divide up into groups."

Thirty minutes later, everything was finally figured out and planned. Harper, Monty, and Jasper would drive to the beach with Maya at 9:00 am to secure a good spot on the shore. Miller, Octavia, and Lincoln would leave in the afternoon to meet them in Miller's car. Finn, Clarke, Murphy and Bellamy would come last in the evening bringing dinner with them.

After saying goodbye to Harper, Monty, Jasper, and Maya, Clarke busied herself helping Octavia and Lincoln prepare food while Finn made an alcohol run with Miller. She was quite excited for the night. The Fourth of July had always been one of Clarke's favorite holidays. Her family used to meet Well's family on the National Mall early in the morning and spend the day playing board games and snacking. She had fond memories of growing up with Wells on the worn blanket they brought every year. This would be her first Fourth away from D.C. and Clarke was determined to make it a memorable one.

At 4:00, after helping to load coolers and chairs in the bed of the truck, Clarke climbed into the back and settled next to Finn. On the drive there they rolled down the windows and Murphy turned the music up a little high. With her hand linked with Finn's and her hair blowing in the wind Clarke felt like she was back in high school.

She caught Bellamy's gaze in the rearview mirror a few times and offered him a smile. They hadn't stopped their bickering since their conversation in the kitchen a week before, but he had made an effort to be more civil and she had done the same.

When she began singing along to a particularly catchy 80's song, she found his eyes in the mirror. His dark eyebrows shot upwards in amusement and his lips curled up in a smile.

"Having fun, princess?"

Out of the corner of her eye Clarke saw Finn whip his head towards Bellamy at the nickname. She could swear Bellamy's smile grew a little wider at Finn's reaction. Ignoring the ridiculous tension between the two men, Clarke just laughed and told him to keep his eyes on the road.

They built a bonfire at the beach and ate watermelon, hot dogs, and beans as the sun went down. At one point in the evening, Finn managed to convince the younger members of the party to swim in the lake. Clarke laughed until her sides hurt as she splashed in the cool water with him and watched Jasper try to convince Bellamy and Murphy to join them. While Murphy remained steadfast in his protests, Bellamy eventually broke down when Octavia begged him to get in the water.

When Bellamy yanked off his top, Clarke suddenly found it a little harder to breath. Her difficulty was only made worse when he broke the surface after submerging himself beneath the water to cool off. Water droplets dripped from his dark hair and rolled over his muscled chest. Her eyes followed the water's path down his torso before settling on the trail of dark hair that disappeared under his trunks. She swallowed hard, soaking in one last look before allowing Finn to pull her into his arms and distract her with his warm mouth.

When the sun finally set, the group sat around their fire roasting marshmallows and talking about everything and nothing.

"What about you Clarke?" Octavia looked at her expectantly.

"Hmm?" Clarke hadn't been paying attention to the conversation. Instead her thoughts had been in the past, remembering how she use to celebrate the holiday with her family and the Jahas in Washington.

"How do you feel about fireworks?"

"Oh, I love them! The Fourth was always one of my favorite holidays growing up. My family would always go to the National Mall with our close friends to watch the fireworks. I always had such a fun time and fireworks were always the big finish."

"See Murphy, everyone loves fireworks, you are just a grump."

"Nah, I agree with Murphy." All eyes turned to Bellamy.

"How can you hate fireworks?" Finn asked incredulously from his seat next to her causing Clarke to stiffen. The last thing she needed right now was another stand off between her housemate and her boyfriend.

"I don't know. They are just noisy and pointless. I mean the amount of effort that goes into something so fleeting just seems stupid."

"But they are beautiful and fun, that isn't pointless," Harper threw in.

"I guess," Bellamy replied. He sounded unconvinced and all of sudden Clarke felt the urge to persuade him that fireworks really were worth it.

"Sometimes the fleeting moments are the best I think." Bellamy met her eyes from across the fire, his face unreadable.

"Plus," Monty cut in, "they are a nice way to celebrate the day. I mean what better way to both celebrate the country and commemorate those who fought to get us here than a bunch of exploding lights in the sky?"

Bellamy and Miller stayed silent as Maya added, "Yeah, its one big, beautiful thank you to guys like you who are American heroes."

"I guess," Miller finally said. "In a way it's a good tribute to the guys who died overseas."

Bellamy's face was unreadable as he stared into the flames and something in Clarke's gut clenched. Soon the conversation took a lighter turn as Octavia entertainingly rambled on about her crazy customers at the coffee shop. Finn pulled Clarke away from the fire and they walked down the beach together, hand in hand.

"Thanks for inviting me, today. It's been a blast. I haven't been swimming in the lake in forever."

Clarke smiled over at Finn and squeezed his hand. "I'm glad you came. Everything is more fun with you around."

They walked in silence for a few more minutes before Finn spoke again. "I'm happy that things are working out with your housemates and their friends. I really like this group."

Clarke hummed her agreement. "They love you. Not that I'm surprised."

Finn smiled at her warmly before kissing her soundly on the lips. "Hey, have you ever been skinny dipping?"

"Finn, there are families everywhere here."

"That's not an answer to my question, Princess." He wiggled his eyebrows playfully before tugging her along. Laughing, Clarke half-heartedly told him to stop. When Finn finally did stop, they were on a secluded part of the beach. He turned to her and smiled suggestively.

"I dare you to do it."

"You dare me? What, are we five?"

His only response was pulling off his shirt and suddenly Clarke was no longer focused on joking around.

"Finn-"

"Come on, Princess, its not a true holiday without a little nudity." With that he stripped down completely and jumped into the cool water. Clarke hesitated for only a moment before throwing off her clothes and joining him. It was something that the old Clarke who lived in Washington D.C. would never have done. It was new and exciting and rebellious and fun and in that moment Clarke loved Finn more than she ever had before.

The fireworks started as they were walking back to the bonfire. Finn grinned up at them boyishly and talked animatedly to Clarke about the fireworks he had seen in China once. Several kisses and giggles later they were back at the bonfire where the group sat staring at the sky with delight painted across their faces.

As she settled against Finn's chest, her body nestled between his thighs, Clarke sighed happily and watched the bursting colors in the sky. She felt at home and at peace. After a moment her blue eyes left the sky to watch the people around her. Maya's head had fallen on Jasper's shoulder and the boy looked down occasionally as if needing to remind himself he wasn't dreaming. Octavia was snuggled up to Lincoln more focused on the man than the fireworks. Monty gave a small, adorable gasp of delight with each new explosion while Miller smiled at his antics every now and then. Murphy sat off to the side on his phone and Harper lay in the sand smiling wide.

There was one very noticeable absence on the beach. Clarke remembered the withdrawn and guarded look on Bellamy's face earlier and suddenly felt the urge to make sure he was okay. Part of her wanted to stay wrapped up in Finn's warmth, relishing in the soft, hot kisses he pressed against her neck, but something drew Clarke to her feet instead. She whispered an excuse about needing to find the bathroom before trudging back up the beach towards the road.

She found him in the truck. He was sitting on the driver's side leaning back against the chair. There was an unlit cigarette between his teeth and an untouched bottle of gin in his hands, but all that Clarke could focus on was the anguish in his eyes as he stared blankly out into the night.

If Bellamy noticed her open the passenger's door and climb into the truck, he didn't let it show. She didn't say anything, instead she chose to mimic his position and watch the bursts of color in the night sky. The whooping and cheers of people on the shore sounded distant with the doors closed. It was like being in ship above Earth watching life go on below.

Clarke wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, but after a time the silence felt too heavy to her and she needed to end it.

"You really shouldn't smoke, Bellamy."

He ignored her, continuing to stare blankly ahead.

"Octavia told me you quit years ago. There is no need to-"

"Its not lit, Princess." Bellamy didn't look at her as he spoke. His voice was quiet and thick with hidden emotion. Clarke released a heavy sigh and reached over to his motionless figure pulling the cigarette out of his mouth before setting it on the dashboard. He didn't try to fight her. Silence fell over them again and Clarke leaned back into her seat with a quiet sigh. She briefly debated leaving him to return to the beach and Finn, but she couldn't shake the feeling that Bellamy shouldn't be alone in that moment.

Clarke was just beginning to nod off when Bellamy finally spoke. The words were just above a whisper.

"I'm a monster."

She looked over at him. He hadn't moved since she got in the car and even now he still stared straight ahead.

"Bellamy," Clarke began, her chest tightening at the pained expression on his face. Before she could continue, the broken man beside her spoke again.

"My mother," he let out a shuddering breath, "if she knew what I've done… who I am…" he shook his head. "She raised me to be better. To be good." Tears spilled down his face. "All I do is hurt people."

"Bellamy-"

"I'm a monster." His tears were now flowing freely and his eyes looked around wildly, focusing on everything and anything expect Clarke. He roughly wiped at his nose and let out a small sob.

Shocked at the sudden outpour of emotion, Clarke tried to calm him down. "You are not a monster, Bellamy. You may be a total ass half the time but you are a good person."

Bellamy's eyes finally met hers and the utter grief she found in them broke her heart.

"You don't know what I've done, Clarke. Octavia doesn't know what I've done." His chest was heaving with panicked breaths. Clarke hesitated only a moment before reaching out and resting a hand on his wet cheek.

"Bellamy-"

"No." He ripped her hand off his face and turned away from her. "No, Clarke. I don't deserve your pity or your sympathy. I'm not… I'm not worthy of it, okay? You don't get it. None of you get it. Octavia thinks I'm still the same person I was years ago but I'm not, I'm not a good guy. I've done bad things, horrible things." His voice broke and Clarke had to hold back tears.

The Bellamy before her was so unlike the man she had come to know. All his bravado and physicality was gone. He was more vulnerable than anyone she had ever seen before. It scared her.

"Then help me to understand, Bellamy. Tell me."

Bellamy turned back to her, searching her face as if trying to solve some riddle. His jaw ticked. When he finally spoke again it was quiet, so quiet that it took Clarke a minute to realize he was speaking to her.

"The first two tours were bad. We were sent to these remote villages where militants were said to be hiding. It wasn't always clear who was on our side and who wasn't. We would get to a house suspected of harboring militants and we didn't know who was who so we would always just end up shooting all of them." Fresh tears rolled down his cheeks and he swallowed hard before continuing. "I had to shoot fathers in front of their kids; husbands in front of their wives. I just killed them. They were people; living, breathing people. And I took that away from them."

"That doesn't make you evil, Bellamy. For all you know they could have been planning to kill massive amounts of innocents. You could have saved a dozen more lives by taking one of theirs."

"But what if I didn't? What if I killed innocent people whose only crime was being in the wrong place at the wrong time?"

"Bellamy-"

"It was hell over there. I watched my best friends get blown to smithereens, felt their blood and brains on my face, got it in my mouth. These men who had families back home, who had done good things, who didn't spend their childhood robbing people and beating kids up. They died out there and I got to live. Their wives will never get their bodies back, their kids can never know that they are close to the remains of their father. But I got to live. I of all people was spared." He let out a bitter laugh.

Clarke's chest felt too tight as she watched Bellamy continue to fall apart in front of her.

"This," he waved out at the fireworks still going off in the distance, "this is for them. Not for me. I don't deserve this. I didn't deserve O's surprise party when I came back. I don't deserve O. I don't deserve you. Everyone called me a hero tonight but I'm just a coward. A coward who has dedicated his life to hurting and killing and destroying. I should have died out there… I wish I had died out there."

"Bellamy, you don't deserve any less than your friends did. You went over and risked your life to protect people back home. People like Octavia and Jasper and me. Octavia needs you, your friends need you, hell, I need you. If you had died those people out on that beach would be so lost without you. You went and fought to protect innocent people. I couldn't have done what you did. You were willing to give your life for your country but that doesn't mean that you should feel guilty because you didn't die."

Bellamy shook his head furiously. "But I didn't go over there to protect my country or innocent people or whatever other bullshit noble reason there may be. I went because I needed money and because I wanted to fight something, someone. I was so angry after my mom- I didn't do it for good reasons, Clarke. I left my sister, my poor baby sister who had just lost her mother, in the care of Jasper's family to go kill in the name of truth and justice. I'm not like the guys I served with who did it for good reasons. They were good guys with good lives. They should have made it out, not me."

"It doesn't matter why you went over Bellamy-"

"But it does," his sentence was split by a heaving sob, "I went because I was afraid of having to raise Octavia on my own. I ran away and left her and killed…I killed so many people Clarke. I can see their faces every night when I try to sleep, they haunt me all the time."

"But you went back twice, Bellamy. Surely that wasn't-"

He let out a watery, sardonic laugh. "That's the worst part, Princess. I went back because I missed it. How fucked up is that? I fucking missed it. I wanted to go back to that hellhole instead of being with my little sister. Instead of finding a job and being there for her I wanted to go back to taking lives."

"Bellamy-"

"But then as soon as I got there I regretted it. As soon as that gun was shoved into my hands and orders were barked out I just wanted to be home. I wanted to be 10 again and have my mother there with me and have my baby sister be safe and not to have to worry about everything. As soon as I was told to take a shot I wanted to vomit but I did it anyways. I fucking did it anyways."

Bellamy shook his head and clenched his jaw. Clarke didn't know what to say. Tears were flowing down her cheeks.

"This time was the worst. This time I… I did the unthinkable. There was this woman. I can picture her as plain as day. I remember the color of her eyes, how small her nose was, how she clutched her tiny daughter so close." Bellamy's face had turned ghostly pale. Clarke felt sick to her stomach as she guessed where he was going with the story. "She… she was innocent. These guys we were hunting down had put a vest on her and were threatening to blow her if we didn't give ourselves up. She was in a crowded marketplace; there were kids everywhere. My commanding officer, Shumway, told me to take the shot but all I could see was my mom and O and I hesitated." His voice broke. "Because I hesitated I lost the clean shot, she moved in such a way that the only way I could take her out in time was if I took out her little daughter too."

Clarke's heart pounded as Bellamy raked a shaking hand through his curls. His eyes refused to meet hers.

"I didn't want to, Clarke." He finally looked at her pleadingly. His eyes were begging her to understand. "I didn't want to. But there were so many other kids, so many people who would just be annihilated. And I had to…I had to... I…" His words were lost as he wept.

Clarke reached over and pulled his head roughly into her shoulder, she could feel his heavy sobs against her neck, drenching her tank top in his tears. His hands clung to her sides as if she was his only lifeline in a raging ocean. Doing her best to soothe him, Clarke rubbed his back and whispered comforting words into his ear. His whole body was shaking and Clarke could feel her own tears dripping down into the cotton fabric of his shirt. When he finally pulled away, Bellamy was once again calm, though tears still occasionally slipped down his blotchy cheeks.

"I see them every night." He said quietly after a pause. "That mother and her daughter, all the others I've killed, the soldiers who were blown apart in front of me, my own mother. It's all my fault, Clarke. All of it." He shook his head in disgust. "Finn was right. It was all pointless. I didn't go there for good reasons and what difference does it really make, all the people I killed? Its not like I changed anything. All I did was end lives. I should have died over there. I should have been the one blown to bits. Finn was fucking right about everything."

There was thick silence for a few minutes. Clarke's mind raced, trying to find what to say, trying to figure out what he needed to hear. She had never seen someone fall apart so completely before and she was certain this was the most open Bellamy had ever been with anyone about what happened to him overseas.

"If you want forgiveness, Bellamy, I'll give that to you. Okay? You are forgiven. I am so, so glad that you did not die. Octavia is beyond grateful you did not die. All those people down there? They all love you. Your actions were not pointless. You are not a monster. You did not and still do not deserve to die. I forgive you."

He turned his gaze back to Clarke. It was heavy and unreadable.

"You are not a monster. You are not a coward. Bellamy, I forgive you."

Bellamy swallowed hard before turning away from her again, gazing off towards the fireworks.

"They are going to start to wonder where we are." His voice was unreadable, the emotional defenses he had so carefully crafted back in place.

"We don't have to go back yet."

"You don't have to wait for me."

"No, we will go back together. Whenever you're ready." Clarke reached over and grabbed his large, calloused hand before leaning back in her chair. They both watched as the fireworks reached their crescendo before disappearing entirely from the night sky. The warmth of their intertwined hands provided both with silent comfort.

Twenty minutes later, when they found the others again, Clarke had to marvel at what a good actor Bellamy truly was. As Octavia beamed at him, babbling on about some stupid thing Jasper had done, Bellamy laughed and ruffled her hair as if he hadn't been falling apart less than an hour before. He was doing it to protect his sister, Clarke realized. He didn't want her to carry his burdens so he held up the world silently without complaint.

On the drive home Bellamy's eyes met hers in the rearview mirror. Though it was dark in the truck, Clarke could see the silent gratitude they offered. As she lay in her bed that night, Finn sound asleep next to her, all Clarke could think about was the utter heartbreak that had been in those dark eyes. The fear and vulnerability he had shown her haunted her dreams.

As the summer continued, it became clear to Clarke that something had shifted in her relationship with Bellamy. They weren't quite friends, but their arguments were down to only once or twice a week. He joked with her a lot more and often sought her opinion in conversations. It was nice, she decided, to have Bellamy Blake on her side.

A/N: Whew. That was my version of Day Trip; hopefully it did that episode justice because that is still probably my favorite episode of the series. The next chapter definitely will have the new characters and Clarke's background, I promise. Please don't hate me too much for not delivering the goods like I said I would!