Disclaimer: These characters clearly don't belong to me, I am simply borrowing them for the purposes of this story. Jill belongs to me, but that's because she isn't wanted elsewhere.
AN: Sorry for the delay in updating, hopefully next chapter will be up soon as we come towards then end of this story. I truly appreciate every review and follow or favourite my story receives, always makes me day when anything like that happens. So thanks very much to everyone who has taken the time to do that.
Falling Slowly Chapter 12
My bed feels less comfortable than it usually does, and it smells sort of funny too. I feel relaxed though, just not quite ready to waken up. I'm going to bury myself further against this pillow and sleep till the suns up. I want to enjoy this day off.
Is today a day off? I think something else was going on. I can't seem to open my eyes; I hope I didn't drink too much last night. This is wrong, though, my bed really doesn't smell so good and this feels different to a hangover. I think it might actually hurt to open my eyes, and I feel less than rested if I'm being honest. I wouldn't say I'm in pain, but I can feel something is wrong.
I open my eyes and suddenly it's obvious what that something is. I see the IV going into my right arm and dressings around my hand and wrist. I should be grateful that I forgot for a few moments, that I escaped from this horrible situation for even a brief while. It seems I am in hospital, but that is good. That is good. It means I am still alive. It means Red John was not able to beat me. I thought I would be more pleased by that.
"Lisbon."
I turn my head as much as I can at the sound of my name, not recognising who is calling for me.
It's Jane. He looks as awful as I have ever seen him, his voice scratchy and unrecognisable.
"You're awake, Lisbon."
He seems to be telling himself that out loud to confirm the truth of his words. I want to get up and hold him to me, to make him okay but I hardly have the energy to even talk.
"Hey, Jane, I guess I am awake."
He moves slightly further away from me as I speak. He's perched on a chair which has been pulled close to my hospital bed, and it looks like he might have been here for some time. He doesn't look like his normal put together self. He's staring at me with such sadness in his eyes. It looks like he is fighting with himself as to whether he speaks or not.
Or maybe he is just fighting with himself over whether he stays.
"It's so good to see you open your eyes Lisbon. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to see your eyes."
His voice sounds so strange, like he has damaged his vocal cords in some way. I hope Red John hasn't hurt him anymore while I was unconscious.
"Do you want some water Jane?"
He smiles at me then, all the lines etched on his lovely face seem to have gotten more pronounced. I think he has lost weight. Exactly how long have I been out? He moves his chair closer to my bed again, his knees brushing the edge of the bed. I think he wants to reach out and touch me, but something seems to be stopping him. I follow his gaze and see the dressings and bandages on my left hand – and I seem to have a lot of bruises down my arm too.
"Lisbon, you are an impossible woman."
"What do you mean?"
"You've been unconscious for three days and you finally open those lovely eyes of yours and start to fuss over me. I'm fine, I don't need water. I'm just so very happy to be able to talk to you."
"You're not fine, have seen yourself? You need someone to fuss over you. You look terrible. You're too thin, you look like you haven't slept for days, you need to shave, and I don't even want to think about what you're wearing."
Saying those many words is exhausting when you've been unconscious for a while, I would not have known that if I wasn't here. Focusing on Jane keeps me from thinking about Red John and what he did, and that suits me just fine.
I seem to have said the right thing to Jane, though as he is smiling. Finally, finally, he reaches for me and runs the pad of his thumb against the bruised skin of my left arm. It hurts a little, but his infinite gentleness makes even that worthwhile. I still want to get out of this bed and hug him; maybe I'll suggest he helps me do that in a minute.
We don't say anything for a while. Jane rubs his fingers along my arm and I watch him. Then he lays his head on the bed beside me and he kisses my arm, his lips trailing along the line of bruises there. He is so sweet and tender I can hardly bear it, I don't want to cry but I can't seem to stop the tears. Maybe surviving the horrifying attention of a serial killer makes it okay to cry. Maybe I've earned these tears.
I want to run my fingers through Jane's hair, it's more unruly than I have ever seen it and I think it would comfort him as much as it would me. But one arm has Jane attached to it and the other an IV – hopefully I can stroke his curls later, I think that might be something else I deserve.
As tempting as it is to lie here and receive this soothing affection from Jane I think we need to have a conversation or two. It looks like I am going to have to be the one to start the dialogue as Jane seems utterly content to lie with his nose against my skin and breathe in and out.
"Why are you here Jane?"
He kisses my elbow and then moves back to sit again in his chair. He leaves his hand beside my arm, not quite touching me but almost without any space between us.
"What do you mean, Lisbon? Where else would I be?"
"Is Red John in custody and all the guys okay?"
"Red John is in custody and being questioned and everyone is fine. Your team is extremely worried about you, but they are doing their jobs admirably. Your consultant is extremely worried about you and is sitting here until that changes."
"No, you need to finish this Jane. Truly, I'm fine. Go do whatever you need to and we can talk later. I should call Cho and get up to speed with what's going on."
"Lisbon, woman, you are not fine. You are nowhere near the neighbourhood of fine. You've been tortured and hurt in the worst way. You've had a surgery and a blood transfusion, and have been unconscious for more hours than I thought I could bear. You are not fine so please let's not pretend that you are. I'm going nowhere, so just accept that."
"You'll regret it Jane. If you don't go and help with interviewing Red John it will fester within you that you didn't get to finish what you've been working towards all these years."
"It's finished Lisbon. It's over."
"How can you say that? This is what you've wanted for a decade, you finally get to question him and bring him to justice. I know it's not the justice you think he deserves but you know you could help to get him to confess even it was just to try and hurt you. You should go do what you need to do."
"I need to be here."
As he says this he moves his fingers the few millimetres needed to touch my skin again, I have to confess his touch soothes me.
"You need to finish this Jane, please listen to me."
"I am listening to you my dear, but you have to listen to me this time. I have finished with Red John or Brent Stiles as I suppose we should really be calling him now. Agent Cho and the rest of your team are working; in fact I think most of the law enforcement officers in the state seem to working downtown. I am confident he will go to jail. I am content that he will face your legal systems version of justice. I'm not leaving you again Lisbon, so please don't try and make me."
"I don't want you to regret being here, I know how hard you have fought for Charlotte and Angela and I don't want you to feel that you stopped that because of me."
I have never spoken like this to him before; I hope he knows it's only because I want what is right for him.
"I promised myself I would always do everything I could for them."
"I know that Jane, you have, you always have."
"No, it was always too late. I kept my promise to them, but it was always too late to be of any worth to my family. Now I need to do everything I can for you. It's not too late to take care of you, and for long hours I thought it was. I am not leaving here Lisbon, and you're just going to have to accept that. "
"Then go do your job."
He lets go of me again, and I see a flash of anger across his tired face.
"This was never a job when it came to finding my families murderer. It's over, it's important that I don't get involved with this case anymore. He hurt you Lisbon because of me. He hurt you because he takes pleasure in my misery and my pain – well in anyone's misery and pain. But I invested so much of me in finding him that he imagines a connection between us that it's time to severe. He is not important to me, you are. I trust your people to do their jobs. You have to trust me to do right by you now."
I really don't think this is an argument I am going to win. I can't quite believe he is letting go this easily.
"Stop thinking so hard woman, you're in hospital and supposed to be recovering. I am not giving up easily despite what you might think, it's just time. I thought I had lived through the worst horror I ever would face in my life, but seeing you so hurt was enough. It's enough Lisbon. I've removed myself from any sort of dialogue with Red John, and that is a healthy thing. It's time to live without him in our lives."
We watch each other for a few moments, just taking the time and the silence to digest what his words really mean. I can hardly believe this might be time to live without the spectre of Red John in our lives.
I watch as Jane touches my fingers for the first time, he is careful and tender as I think he always wants to be. He leans close to me again and instead of tracing the bruises on my skin with his touch he presses a soft kiss to the bandage on my palm. We're going to have to talk about what happened to me some time, but it feels too soon right now.
"I'm glad to be alive Teresa."
He looks at me then, and I can see the truth of his statement shining in his eyes.
"And I am unspeakably happy that you are alive and I get a chance to prove to you how happy I am going to make you."
At these wonderful words I say the only thing I can think of.
"Jane, what on earth are you wearing?"
He smiles that devastating smile of his and moves to sit on the side of my bed. He is noticeably careful as he positions his body next to mine, wary of hurting me I suppose. I can't imagine the amount of stitches I must have in my side. My personal vanity regrets that I will have yet another scar, though at least the one in my side won't be as visible as the ones on my hands. I suppose I'll always be marked as the woman Red John didn't kill.
"Lisbon, what am I wearing – this is really what you want to talk about?"
He is so much closer to me now, and his voice is starting to sound less strained. Before I get the chance to respond to his question Jane leans forward and presses his lips against mine. Just the briefest whisper of a touch of his lips against mine before he pulls away but stays close as he breathes softly against my skin. He is a little too charming for his own good, but then I've always known that.
"You have a Gap sweatshirt on Jane, it looks odd."
"Gap is a brand; I just thought it was words on a shirt. My suit got a little messed up sweetheart, and I wasn't about to leave here to go change. Anyway, your friend Jill is here – and she bought me clothes. She refused to buy me a suit like I asked, so I think she sort of punished me with jeans and a sweatshirt instead."
"You look tired Jane; you've not been taking care of yourself."
He leans forward again and presses his lips to mine for another sweet kiss, this time pressing kisses to my cheeks and then my brow before he pulls away.
"It turns out I'm no good without you Lisbon, but I think that's been obvious for years."
"You need to go home and sleep Jane. And you should shave too. And while you're at it have a meal, I don't know how you could have gotten so thin so quickly."
"Anything else boss?"
His words are teasing, but his eyes are alive with laughter.
"No, I just need you to take better care of yourself. Do you understand me, Jane; I need you to take care of yourself for me."
"Of course, that's my plan. Of course, I may be too busy spoiling you for the next several years that you'll have to look out for me."
"Okay, I could do that."
He leans forward once more, this time resting his lips against my forehead as he holds himself as close to my body as he can without upsetting my wounds. I want to go home as soon as the doctors will let me; this would be much more enjoyable if I could do this at home.
But actually my home has been violated in the worst way and I don't know if I could ever feel safe there anymore, or even if I could be brave enough to go back.
"Jane, I don't think I can go back to my apartment again."
He stays right next to me with his lips against my skin as he continues our conversation.
"Okay Lisbon, whatever you want. Jill has gone there to get you some clothes and things; I think she should back soon. But whatever you want is okay."
"No, don't listen to me; I'm being ridiculous – where else am I going to go? I'll go back home and maybe just clean for a few weeks, buy some new locks for my door."
"Lisbon you will be recuperating for the foreseeable future, there will be no cleaning of anything. You can go wherever you want – I can book us into a hotel, a nice hotel. I'm sure you could rest and recover there in peace and quiet. Or I could rent an apartment if that makes you feel better, but really whatever you want Lisbon is okay."
He just said he would book us a hotel room. I have woken up into a very strange world.
"Hey kids, you're not supposed to share hospital beds it gives all the other patients ideas."
When he hears Jill's teasing words Jane moves his lips away from my skin, and it's all I can do not to get out of bed and yell at her. This is only prevented by the fact I am too weak to do that and that Jane moves his hand to my shoulder instead, and lets his fingers stroke my collar bone as he turns to face our visitor.
"I am so happy to see you awake, Teresa, you had us terribly worried for a long time."
There are tears in her eyes as she confesses this to me, proof of just how close to not making it I must have come. I think I'll talk to Jill about that before I even dare to broach the subject with Jane.
"I can't believe you're here. You shouldn't be here."
"Of course I should Teresa, who else would look out for this idiot."
I hear Jane's soft laughter at these words; I think he anticipates what I'm going to say.
"You did a half assed job, Jill. Look at him, you should have forced him to eat a little maybe or – I don't know – attempt sleep."
"Hey, he's a handful, I did what I could."
"He is also sitting right here ladies, so feel free to talk about me at will."
"You should go get some sleep Jane."
"I'm fine Teresa."
"No you're not."
I'm whispering to him, trying to persuade him with the softness of my tone.
"Please, it would make me feel so much happier if you would go home and try and sleep."
He's staring at me now like I'm an idiot and looks like he's about to confess something but instead he leans forward and gives me another of those frustratingly brief kisses.
"I'm going to go shower and then I will find you somewhere to be when you get out of here. I'll be back in a few hours. But I am only agreeing to go if you allow Jill to sit with you."
"Absolutely, I volunteer for that job, I am world class at sitting."
"Thank you Jill. Promise not to get into any trouble while I'm gone Teresa, promise me to take care."
"Go sleep and shower, I'm in the hospital and am on what I can only assume is an obscene amount of drugs. I'll be fine, and I'll be waiting for you to come back."
This time I lean forward as far as I can and kiss him, the press of my lips firm and true against his.
"Okay, I'll be back soon. I'm going to leave via the nurses' desk so someone comes in to take care of you soon. Please humour me and let them take care of you, and tell them honestly about your pain levels. I forbid you to say I'm fine."
"You forbid me."
"Humour me on this one occasion, please."
He leans towards me and kisses my cheek softly and then brushes his nose against my hair as he whispers "I love you" into my ear. And then he stands, squeezes Jill shoulder affectionately as he passes her and leaves my room. That was quite the move; I suppose I should expect that from him.
"You okay, darling? Well clearly you're not okay, a sociopath just tried to murder you – but aside from that, are you good?"
Her words are teasing, but I can see how tired Jill looks and how affected she has been by what has happened.
"I've been better."
"I know, but you will get better darling. We were so scared we might have lost you. I thought Patrick was going to will you awake at one point such was his focus on you. Do you want to talk about what happened or is it too soon?"
"I do want to talk to you about it, but not today; I'm too exhausted and numb. Will you look out for Jane for me while you're here?"
"Of course I will, but I'm not sure I'll get much of a chance – I think he might be intent on looking after you. I think he might need that."
"I told him I didn't want to go back to my apartment when I get out of here."
"He's probably out buying you a house right now, right?"
"Of course he isn't."
Though I wouldn't put that past him actually, it would be very Jane for him to do that.
"I like him Teresa. I mean he's messed up, and this nearly destroyed him right in front of me but I can't help but like a guy who is so utterly in love with my friend."
I'm too tired to deny it, and maybe I don't want to. He did just tell me he loved me. I'm going to let that simmer for a while, see if I can come to terms with it.
"And he's gorgeous. I mean he's gorgeous. I've stared at him for hours over the last few days, just watching him to make sure he didn't do anything stupid or reckless – and I like his face a lot. He has a lovely face; actually I think he looks a little like Justin Timberlake. Don't you think?"
I know why she's doing this, and I love her for it. She's trying to make me smile, trying to tease me and make me feel a little closer to normal than I should. And she'll sit with me and do this until the nurses or doctors chase her away from my bedside.
"In fact I think he looks like Justin Timberlake's gorgeous older brother. I've been thinking if he ever gets tired of working with you at the CBI then he should get together with Justin and work on a reality show with him. My thoughts are that they run a cocktail bar together – Justin does a little bit of singing, Patrick just talks and charms the audience while he tends bar. And there will be lots of shots of them looking magnificently attractive in their expensive suits. Maybe they could even fight crime together as a side project. Mostly though I would be happy with close ups of them while wearing nice suits. I'd definitely watch it; in fact every woman I know would watch it."
"You're a little bit insane Jill."
"Possibly, but admit you would watch it."
"I'm tired Jill, I want to rest now."
"Okay, darling; whatever you want. I'll sit here until Blondie gets back and will stay here while the doctors come and check you out."
This bed is not as comfortable as my own, the sheets are not as soft, and I will never be truly comfortable here but I am determined to rest and recover. I have to get out of here as soon as possible. I need to speak to Cho and the rest of the guys; I need to make sure there is nothing I could be doing for them. After that I am going to let Jane fuss over me, and I'm going to enjoy it. We'll need to have some truly awful conversations over the next few days, but hopefully they will be healing in a way. I have to believe that.
There are other things to believe as well, wonderful things. Jane whispered that he loved me tonight, and I'm going to choose to believe that. I'm going to choose to believe we have a chance.