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CHAPTER FIVE

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A/N:- Banner by FatesLoveQueen http:/yfrog(dot)com/oed60p

I own nothing. Boydblog helped and I'll be forever thankful.

She fixed. I fiddled. Any mistakes that remain are on me.

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- Some dialogue is from New Moon -

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I opened my eyes. The loud bang from moments earlier still reverberated in my ears and my heart still raced. My eyes searched for the cause of the sound before resting on Charlie's fist, which was pressed against the kitchen table, the underside white from the force that he'd brought it down with.

But that sound had come from my car.

I shook my head to clear it.

"That's it, Bella!" he repeated. "I'm sending you home."

I blinked as I took in my surroundings. Once bright yellow cabinets lined the wall, standing like silent sentinels watching the passage of time. Charlie told me once that Mom had picked the color.

"I am home," I whispered, confusion permeating my mind.

Why am I here again? Why now, after so long living happily in the other place?

"I'm sending you to Renee, to Jacksonville."

I shook my head slowly.

What's going on?

I tried to breathe deeply. I wrapped my arms around my body, trying to hold in those things that had already been torn from me so intentionally by Edward's horrid words.

"What did I do?" I wondered to myself.

How did I get ripped from the place where I was happy and settled? Where Edward was by my side and loved me?

"You didn't do anything," Charlie answered my question. "That's the problem. You never do anything. It's like you are sleep-walking. You barely eat. You never smile. In fact, this is the longest conversation we've had in months."

I wondered what he meant. The last thing I remembered of this place was the overwhelming darkness that had settled over me when Edward left. I looked down at my open palms. Had I been clutching a key? Where was it now? I panicked when I could no longer see it. I put my hands into my pockets, touching a small plastic container. I pulled it out and placed it on the table as I continued my frantic search for the key.

My hands found their way to my neck, where my fingers twined around a chain. I followed the chain down to find the key dangling from the end. I ran my fingers along the length of the key, closing my eyes momentarily to calm myself enough to focus on what Charlie was trying to tell me. My breathing slowed a little as I took comfort from the cool metal, which gained precious little warmth from my skin.

When I opened my eyes, Charlie was staring at my fingers and he sighed as he watched them caress the key.

"How did your meeting with Dr Gerandy go?" Charlie's question was slow and measured, as if he anticipated a bad reaction.

"Meeting?"

He nodded toward the plastic container I'd pulled from my pocket. I stared at the orange bottle until the letters written on the label began to make sense, and then continued to stare until they blurred and became meaningless again.

A surge of recollection rushed through me: pulling myself out of bed each morning, forcing myself to go to school, ignoring the hushed whispers of those around me, a schedule of anti-depressants and sleeping tablets. Charlie was right, I was sleep-walking, or perhaps the walking dead.

"It was fine," I murmured, picking up the bottle and pocketing it again.

"I just don't know what to do, Bells. You seem so lost. It's been months and you haven't changed."

I bit back the sarcastic laugh that threatened to escape me.

How quickly does he expect me to move past losing the love of my life?

I didn't want to be angry with Charlie though. I was sure he was probably already worried about the fact that I had to rely on tiny pills to be able to function.

"I promise I'll try harder."

He frowned. "I don't want you to try harder. I've never seen anyone try so hard. I just wish that I could remember your smile. It's been so long since I've heard you laugh. I only just got you back and now it feels like I've lost you again…"

My lip quivered as he spoke, which he obviously noticed because he trailed off.

"I do know what you're going through." He reached his hand out to me in one of those rare father-daughter moments. "I had such a hard time when your mother left."

His eyes closed as he no doubt experienced his own version of the grief which had overtaken my heart. I wondered briefly whether it could really compare, but one look at the pain etched into his features told me it did. Maybe I was my father's daughter in more ways than one.

"I just think that maybe it will be easier for you if you left Forks."

"Don't you want me here?" I asked.

"I don't think I could survive someone else not wanting me," I whispered, talking to myself as much as Charlie. I knew it was more information than I'd given him since that dreadful day in the forest.

He nodded. "I just don't want you waiting for him, Bells. It's been months and there's been no contact."

"I know. And I'm not waiting for anything."

I just don't want to forget.

I could never tell Charlie that though.

"In fact, I have plans with a friend after school." I said. I hoped he couldn't detect the lie.

His eyebrows knotted together in confusion or disbelief. "Really?"

"Yep." I kept my answer short so that he wouldn't discover the deception in my voice. "And I'm going to be late if I don't leave now."

"Who are you going out with tonight?" he asked.

"Jess," I mumbled, using the first name that came to my mind.

I ran from the table, leaving him frowning at the tablecloth.

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As I drove my behemoth red truck through Forks, I thought of my zippy little Yaris. It was a car of my fantasy—although it struck me as odd that of all cars I could possibly dream of driving my mind would offer up such a small, unimportant car.

Why not something more impressive, like a sporty red BMW; or meaningful like a silver Volvo.

Just thinking about the car that had once been my chariot to school sent a painful stab through my chest. As I pulled into the school parking lot, I resisted scanning all of the vehicles already parked, as well as all the empty spaces. Both were reminders of cars I would never again see in the school lot, and students who would never again grace its halls.

The feeling that I'd just woken from a months-long sleep brought all of my pain flooding to the surface. The pills, which had kept me in a stable haze for so long, had all but worn off. The prescription seemed to have grown ineffective over time. Tears pricked my eyes and my breath lost all rhythm, coming instead in shallow, staccato bursts.

Somehow, I managed to pull myself together enough to wipe the tears away and face a mind-numbing day of school.

Each time I saw Jess, I thought about my lie to Charlie. I knew I could have asked the simple question and turned the lie into a truth, but I had no desire to spend an evening with her. I knew I couldn't ask her to cover for me either, as we could hardly be classified as friends anymore. I also knew Charlie was probably curious and worried enough to check up on me.

By the time trig rolled around, I debated one last time trying to arrange a girls' night with Jess, but I just couldn't stomach the idea. In the end, I decided to go out by myself because I wouldn't be good company for anyone.

Besides, there was something I needed to try.

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The truck rattled up the winding drive. My heart wouldn't stop pounding against my chest. It was thumping so hard I began to think it was about to break free. Each second that ticked by was another second further away from the time I had spent with him, another second into my meaningless life drifting through time neither loving nor loved.

The big house came into view much sooner than I anticipated. I'd hoped for some time to prepare for the onslaught of emotions I knew I would feel. The drive wasn't nearly long enough to prime myself; then again, I wasn't certain any amount of time would be.

The grass had grown since I'd last been there, the front yard a waist-deep sea of green and brown. The white house stood out like a beacon in the water, an island offering shelter and warmth after months spent cast away.

I climbed from the truck and stood, watching the silent house cautiously. The absence of life—the void created by the covered windows and absolute stillness—was almost a silent warning to stay away because heartbreak lay within. I pressed my back against the truck, trying to back away, knowing that I no longer I belonged there.

I touched the key around my neck briefly. I had decided to flee, but something stopped me—a fluttering curtain in one of the upper level windows. I stood, fixed to the spot, eyeing the curtain that I was certain had moved just a second earlier.

My mind reeled. I tried to explain away the movement I'd seen, but I couldn't.

For over five minutes, I watched carefully, but noticed no further movement. I wondered whether I had imagined it. My mind was so far beyond my own control, I couldn't be sure of anything.

There was one thing that was certain; turning away was no longer an opinion.

I waded through the long grass, pushing it aside as I moved toward house.

I wondered whether someone from the family would come by to maintain it, or whether it would stand forgotten and discarded until finally the years weathered irreversible damage on the façade and whole thing fell to pieces.

Like me.

I wondered whether it mattered.

I pushed the errant thought from my mind before I lost confidence.

I had to do this, for me.

I had to see whether something—someone—was inside the house.

More than that, I had to know whether the key I'd been carrying with me for so many months meant something. I needed to know whether there was a reason it had become my talisman, quietly calming the screaming inside. It seemed to grow heavier the closer I got to the door. Despite trying to recall where it had come from, I couldn't.

I finally stepped onto the landing, breaking free of the waist-high grass. I closed in on the front door, slowly unfastening the chain around my neck and clutching the key tightly in my hand. My whole body shuddered with violent tremors, so bad that I could barely hold the key straight as I guided it toward the lock.

My hand froze halfway.

What am I doing?

I knew that if the key unlocked the door, I would have to walk inside. If I got that far, I would be assaulted by whatever was—or worse, wasn't—inside the house.

Would I notice what had changed?

What am I walking into?

The last time I'd been in the house, I had been nursing the worst of my heartache. I scoffed at my own thoughts—as if there was a worst. There was nothing but a constant tear through the fabric of my heart, running so deep it would be impossible to repair.

I couldn't recall whether the furniture was still in place when I'd rushed down the stairs to call Charlie. There was only one thing I knew for certain—his room was all but empty.

I thought about the movement again, it had been so fleeting I couldn't be certain I'd seen it. But then he'd covered the entire length of the school parking lot when Tyler's van had been hurtling out of control.

I took in a deep breath to calm my nerves.

I have to know for certain.

When I pushed the key into the lock, it glided in easily. I twisted and the door creaked open. I stared at the small opening, uncertain what to do next. My hand rested against the door for another moment before I stepped backwards, falling unceremoniously onto my ass. I wrapped my arms around myself as I struggled to breathe.

Why do I have a key for his house?

I took big panting, gulps, trying to suck in enough oxygen to supply my brain as I struggled to process what it might mean, why I had a key. Had I stolen it without thinking and without knowing?

My eyes travelled over the façade once more, drinking in every detail. Another flicker of the curtain drew my eyes to the upper rooms. I clambered to my feet, my new determination set the second I had seen the movement. I stepped forward, pulling the key free from the lock and clasping the chain around my neck without thinking.

I pushed the door all the way open and ran for the stairs, stumbling up the first few in my haste. I pushed myself higher, refusing to stop until I reached the room where I'd seen movement. I paused as I stepped through the threshold. It wasn't just Edward's room that had been stripped of everything personal. Carlisle's study was also bare except for the shelving and desk. Their personal effects obviously mattered, even if the furniture didn't.

Even if I didn't.

I crept into the room, darkened by the drawn curtains. I was on edge. Something, or someone, had been in the room moments earlier, I was sure of it. I could almost feel the residual energy reverberating at me from every surface. It almost felt like a tiny spark of life had existed there, something that was completely absent in the rest of the house.

The room was completely empty though. The desk stood silent and steady in the middle of the room. The absolute stillness was palpable, taking on its own life and completely surrounding me. It was as if the house was calling me in, drawing me into the dark recesses so that I would never be able to find my way out again.

I looked around the room again slowly. I had been so certain I had seen something at the window. I was almost positive that it was the outline of something human-shaped behind the glass.

I stepped closer to the curtain, watching around me for any signs of movement.

The curtain fluttered in front of me and I held my breath.

I could see with my own eyes that there was nothing there, but I couldn't believe it. I stepped closer slowly, reaching out tentatively toward the empty space, as if my fingers would suddenly connect with something I couldn't see.

I covered the distance slowly, cautiously.

Reason finally began to kick in, warning me that this was a house that belonged to vampires who were no longer around. Maybe trying to find out whoever—or whatever—had shifted the curtains was a bad idea. My body didn't relent as easily as my mind though. I covered the last step and my fingers tightened around the curtain.

I could almost feel eyes on me, watching my every move. In my mind, I could hear slow, deep breaths as the curtains shifted once more.

In one swift motion, accompanied by my ear-splitting scream, I pushed the curtain aside. A cold breeze blew through the open window, tickling my face and whispering through my hair.

My heart pounded against my rib cage. Fear and adrenaline coursed through my veins.

I felt so stupid as I stared through the window.

Of course there's no one here.

I could have sworn the window was shut when I was watching it from the ground. I must have been wrong. My mind must have been playing tricks on me; it wasn't the first time.

Instantly it was all too much: the house, the fear, the ever-present heartache, and the hallucinations of a perfect world with Edward. It was too much for me to handle. This latest stupid scare was just one more thing I could mentally check against a list of my ludicrous behavior. His leaving me was justified. I wasn't sane. I wasn't worth staying for. I wasn't wired right. I didn't matter.

I suddenly realized why he had kept me beside him for as long as he had: my comedic value. Who else would traipse through a house so absolutely certain they had seen something? Who else would have screamed stupidly as they pushed back the curtain?

A tiny giggle bubbled in my chest, rising ever so slowly to burst from my mouth unexpectedly.

I jumped at the sound seconds before realizing I had issued it. Another tiny burst of laughter threatened to escape. I tried to hold it in, but failed. It rang from my throat in giant waves, overtaking me completely until I was helpless. I fell to the floor as laughter peeled from me uncontrollably. My total loss of control left me terrified, tears tracked down my throat, but still the laughter ripped from my chest, alternating horrifically with uncontainable sobs. I couldn't breathe around the horrid deranged sounds.

I clutched the fabric of the curtain to my face, hoping it would anchor me in reality. I held it in my fingers in a death grip, refusing to relinquish my hold. I curled into the fetal position, gasping for air and certain that I had completely lost my mind.

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A/N:- Thank you all for your reviews/favs/alerts & for sticking with me. I promise answers. I won't say when or where or even how, but they are coming ;)