Here it is - my favorite chapter!

Newgirl78 (hopefully) already knows how awesome she is, because she's probably the best beta. Ever.

And, without further ado...

Chapter 21

When you're young, life's a dream
It's a beautiful and a burning thing
We grow up
And then it's gone
But the memory goes on and on and on and on…

Jess didn't know where she was going when she left her daughter's makeshift hospital room, but it didn't take long for her to realize that she probably wouldn't make it there anyway.

When she rounded that last corner, all she really wanted was a bathroom for her to let the tears fall. She had just left her child for her own stupid, selfish reasons, and by God she was going to find a place where nobody would judge her for it.

Not her parents, not Cece, not the doctor who told her things that she already knew and had ignored for so long, and certainly not Nick Miller.

She bit down on her lip hard at his name.

It was then she spotted a door, where she made out the shadow of a tree branch through the tinted window.

Well, that's about as good as it's gonna get.

She pushed with all of her might, her bleary eyes squeezing shut at the intense sunlight that greeted her face. From somewhere else in the garden, Jess heard the soft trickle of a fountain. When she collapsed onto the nearest bench, she could make out the inscriptions of a 'Memorial Garden' on the stone path snaking around the shrubbery.

People came to Memorial Gardens to cry, right?

Too late.

She hugged her knees to her chest, pressing her face into the dark little crevice that she had created and just let go. The sobs came with merciless fury, letting out four years' worth of anxiety, stress and guilt.

She had done this. What else had she expected when she came back to LA? Had she really hoped that Nick would be a terrible father, if only to justify her actions? Even worse, why had she started hoping that the second she found out about Julia?

She had been so consumed with fear after she'd received the call from the school secretary that she hadn't even thought of Nick until she clamored into the hospital, only to see him sitting at Aly's side, holding her hand and making it all better.

How long he had been there, she didn't know, but the sight was enough to realize exactly what she had been keeping from her daughter.

Nick was there when she couldn't be.

"You've really messed this one up, Jess," she cried to herself.

The wind picked up and dried some of the moisture on her face, leaving sticky, salty trails in its wake.

"What have you messed up, Jess?" A masculine voice floated to her ears. She looked up, only to jump aside when she found a brown-eyed stare and realized that Nick was sitting right next to her.

When had he gotten there?

She sucked in a breath of air, shaking her head tightly. His eyes narrowed.

Not now, Nick, not now. She pleaded in her head.

"Go get back to Aly," she warned, pushing him away and trying to clear her throat. "She needs someone with her."

"She told me to come find you," Nick answered evenly... Annoyingly. "And, frankly, we're pretty worried about you."

Great, so she had let Aly slip into her personal issues.

Life: 34,267, Jessica Day: 0.

"I don't want to talk to you right now," she replied finally, with as much self-control as she could muster. However, it still wasn't enough, and she felt the hot sting of tears prickle at her eyes. She tried to speak again, but it came out as some sort of pathetic squeak.

As embarrassed as she was, she bitterly remembered through her tears that Nick hated this kind of stuff, so if it got him to just go away, then she could finish her breakdown with a little bit of dignity.

"Yes, Jess," he rolled his eyes, "we all know you don't want to talk to me. Cece knows, Aly's daycare teacher knows, and I'm pretty sure the receptionist out there knows, but, by all means, keep - "

"Why can't you just listen to me for once?!" She cried, throwing her head back against the bench. "How can you be so bad at that, and still be better than me with Aly? I don't get it!"

"Jess, I listen to – " He froze. Jess was sure she heard something click inside of his head. "Did you just say I was better than you with Aly?"

His gaze was incredulous.

Jess squeezed her eyes shut, but couldn't block out the fresh wave of emotion pulling deep down in her heart. Surely Nick knew. Surely Nick saw how Aly looked at him, how she loved him and looked up to him at every new moment. Surely… Surely he knew how Aly had asked for him that night in Chicago, crying until the second that she was secure in her father's arms.

This time, the cries that bubbled from Jess's lips resonated throughout her entire body. She hated that she had to admit it. She hated that the first time she said it out loud, it was to Nick of all people.

Then, to her utter surprise, she felt the warmth of Nick's arm press against her back as he pulled her entire form into his chest. As the smell of his cologne overpowered her stuffy nose, he put a hand against the back of her head, stroking her hair. The other arm stayed locked at her waist.

Her heart may have fluttered, too, but that only seemed to make matters worse.

What business did she have loving a man that was engaged? After all, she had left him.

"Shh, Jess, it's okay…" He whispered. "Please, don't cry, Aly's okay, you shouldn't be upset…"

She looked up at him then, her stomach churning in anguish, and shook her head. "I am upset, Nick," she breathed, but Nick didn't seem to hear that. He took his hand from the back of her head and cupped her cheek with it, wiping away the trails of each tear with his thumb. She continued, "You've been right all along. I did this to both of you, and then this happens and you come to save the day – "

"Whoa there," he chuckled, a little mirth twinkling in his eyes. "I wouldn't call my rush to the hospital 'saving the day.'"

She glared at him. "You know what I mean. You were here when I couldn't be, and I've kept her from that her entire life! I can't even imagine if this had happened in Portland…"

She squeaked out another cry then.

No, she definitely didn't want to think about that.

"But it didn't," Nick countered, tipping her chin back up so she could meet his stare. "And you're here now, so what does it matter?"

"Don't you see?" She pleaded, giving an unsuccessful attempt at pulling away. "I thought for all these years that I was doing you and Aly a favor, but that isn't the case. Not at all."

His eyes fell at her words, and she saw the longing that he had been trying to hide from her since she had come back. Because, she knew he'd give anything to relive those precious first years of Aly's life.

She closed her eyes, letting her confessions settle out once more. All of these secrets she'd kept for so long, and she felt like letting them out little by little would alleviate the ache that had settled into her heart. However, it seemed like the magnitude of this one was just too much for her weathered spirit to handle.

Nick recovered pretty quickly, clearing his throat. His palm was still softly holding her cheek, and she resisted the urge to sink into his grasp.

"Who said I would've been ready for that?" He spoke, an unnerving edge to his voice.

"You love her, Nick," Jess replied, the air finally starting to fill her lungs again. "And she thinks the world of you."

"I do love her," he agreed quietly, with a gentle smile. Jess's heartbeat picked up at his gaze. "But I was barely better than a teenager four years ago. I know what I have to lose now, because I know what it's like to not have her around… But I just don't think I was ready…"

Jess chuckled darkly at this. "Neither was I, and Aly didn't turn out that screwed up. Well, not that I know of, anyway."

"I do remember," Nick mused, trying to keep the conversation light. "there was a time when you were so concerned that all you had left in you were serial killers."

"I was, wasn't I?" She smiled weakly, picking at her happier memories where the two of them could simply joke about having children together. Had that really been four years ago? "If I remember right, you were more concerned over your burrito than my children."

"Hey," he held his hands up in defense, "One, that was before it was mine, and two, I did talk you out of letting Schmidt or Winston do the honors."

"That didn't take much convincing," Jess snorted. She tried not to think of the time she almost slept with Schmidt. She winced.

Gross.

"No?" Nick asked, misinterpreting her wince. He tried to suppress a laugh. "I mean, I know I wasn't top of the list…"

He attempted to crack a smile, but Jess could only manage a bite down on her bottom lip. She shook her head in reassurance.

Out of all the mistakes that she had made, out of everything that she wished she could change about her days with Nick, she would never say that she regretted being with him. Even if she knew she could go back and wait a little longer and still get Aly, she wasn't sure if she'd take it.

Her silence only seemed to worry him. "Jess, look, I do wish I hadn't missed out on all of that. It hurts… It hurts a lot. I think about it a lot. But – "

"I'm really sorry, Nick, you have to believe me," she interrupted, his confession causing her to blink back more tears. "I was so scared of losing her back then, so scared that she would no longer be mine. And then I find out your engaged and – "

"Jess."

" – so I went out on a date because I was jealous enough that I wasn't going to give Aly the one thing I always wanted and – "

"Julia left, Jess."

" – I just didn't want to lose you like that."

There was an honest second on confusion as Jess saw a smirk play at Nick's lips.

Why is he…

And then his words hit her.

Julia left, Jess.

Her head spun at those three words, like she was trying to lock in the sound so she could remember it forever and ever. She should have felt guilty. She should have been worried, but…

Julia was gone.

Which meant, Nick was…

She didn't even let herself finish the thought. She stared back at him, wide-eyed. Why was her heart racing?

He was still smirking. "You were… Jealous? Of me?"

Instantly, the heat that filled her cheeks should've been warning sign number one that she was in serious trouble. It was hard to maintain such a composer under the course of his gaze, even after knowing him for so long. If possible, the knowledge that he knew her so well probably made the intention of her blush even worse.

But she also knew that there was a more pressing matter on the table.

"It was because of me," she replied, her voice a raw whisper. She didn't intend for it to be a question. There really wasn't much to ask in that regard.

He shrugged, answering anyway. "If by that, you mean that she left because of what happened in Chicago, then no."

That still didn't mean she was all clear, but he didn't have to say that. She knew.

"I'm sorry, Nick," she replied, like a reflex.

"Don't be, I'm okay." he smiled slowly. "I didn't love her, Jess. Not really." He gently tugged at her hair as he brushed it over her shoulder. "I've only ever truly been in love with one woman...and she's sitting next to me."

Sitting next to him...

She was sitting next to him.

Jess blinked hard, trying to think of all the reasons why this might be a bad idea. After all, somewhere in the back of her mind, there was a lengthy list of why she had left in the first place. All she could think of in that moment, though, were the reasons why she had never stopped loving him.

"I'm the mother of your child Nick, you have to - "

"Stop right there, Jess," he took her face in his hands, shutting up any response she could have mustered. "I can't even begin tell you how much I love that little girl. How amazed I am every single day that she's ours. But Aly is not the only reason I want to be with you."

He brushed his thumb gently across her cheek, his fingers curling around into her hair. Somewhere along the way, cold, hard-hearted Nick Miller had learned to look at her with the most gentle of stares.

How could he still look at her like that, after all that they had been through?

His lips curled into a smile, and his voice came back lower than before.

"You are the most amazing woman I have ever met."

She laughed nervously and shook her head, almost forcing him to drop his hands. "I made so many mistakes, Nick. Mistakes I can't take back. I wish I could, I really, really do... But I can't," She swallowed her, squeezing her eyelids closed as she willed the tears not to fall. "I just can't do this, knowing that we could be dragging Aly into something that is already broken, because I messed it up a long time ago."

"Jess," Nick placed a hand under her chin, coaxing her to raise her eyes to his. She took a deep breath as her eyelids fluttered open, finding his dark brown eyes staring into hers. How could so many years have separated them, yet the way he looked at her made her feel like they were back in the loft. Back to a time when everything seemed to make sense. "We both made mistakes. But that doesn't mean they haven't been forgiven... right?"

Forgiven. Could it really be that simple?

Heart still fluttering, she nodded slowly, and a smile broke across his face. They sat in that silence for a moment, the gentle breeze swirling around them as they both wondered how they had ended up like this. The tension had eased with Nick's words. Jess, even, felt the corners of her mouth tug up when Nick let out a low chuckle.

"So...I'm still really curious about your, ah, confession," he smirked. "Jealous of me, huh? Care to elaborate on that?"

Jess felt herself quite visibly wince.

"Not right now," she muttered. She knew better than to use words like that around Nick. There was a chance he'd never forget that, either.

"Date left you wanting… more?"

If possible, the annoying grin broadened as the words left his lips.

She pushed away from him, but found it rather difficult to escape his grasp, as his arms were still locked tightly around her. Was he actually enjoying this?

Her heart was having a hard time handling the warmth of his gaze.

"He just wasn't what I was looking for, okay?" She averted her eyes, pleading with him to talk about anything else. It wasn't exactly her proudest moment, that was for sure.

"Oh, come on, Jess, he's totally up your alley," Nick joked. "You've dated doctors and businessmen and educators…"

"None of them were you," she replied before she could think about it.

Nick's eyes widened as her words sunk in. She knew that they sounded strange to him, because she was fully aware of how Nick viewed himself. Nick had spent the last half of his life thinking that he wasn't good enough for a lot of things, despite how Jess had tried so hard those last few months to change that.

He tilted his head to the side, his questioning gaze lingering on her face. The heat on her cheeks became almost unbearable.

"I mean," she corrected, hesitant to put all of her emotional baggage on the table, "all he wanted to talk about was how his ex wife was causing trouble and I think he thought I would have the same issues. But I don't, Nick. I don't have to worry about Aly when she's with you. He wasn't what I was looking for and I knew that before – "

She was cut off by the sensation of his lips crashing into hers.

He had pulled her forward, apparently throwing caution to the wind, and was kissing her in the broad daylight of a hospital garden. As his lips moved against hers, gently testing the waters, her hands found their way to his neck, where they had always fit just so.

She still knew right where she fit against him, too, remembering just how his stubble tickled her chin, or how he would break away every once in awhile to kiss her nose or the corners of her mouth. One of his hands fell to the small of her back, as the other pressed firmly against her cheek. He continued to guide her lips with his, and for the very first time in so long, she allowed herself to enjoy the taste of him.

Just as he took a deep, satisfied breath, Jess ran her hand down his shirt, stopping dead when she found a path of scratchy material.

She pulled away, only to notice her hand was now resting on a splatter of yellow across the center of his chest.

She gave him a look.

"Accident, didn't have time to change," he chuckled, leaning in to plant one of his soft, lingering kisses on her lips. "I'll explain later."

She chuckled, lightly leaning into his kiss. That was such a typical Nick thing to say.

"We should probably get back," Jess reminded, trying to hide ridiculous smile that wanted to pull across her face. "We've got a pretty incredible three-year-old to get back to."

At Aly's mention, Nick's gaze softened, giving Jess's stomach a reason to let loose about fifteen hundred butterflies. He let her untangle herself from his lap, and surprised her in the best way possible by offering his hand as she stood up. When did Nick become so gentlemanly?

"Are you going to be okay?" He asked, his arm still outstretched. With a content sigh, Jess nodded. She gladly took it, letting him lead her back to the emergency area. She didn't bother asking where their feelings were going to take them. She didn't think about it, because they had a lifetime to figure that out.

She'd taken all of the time that she needed to get herself together. Right now, she had a little girl to attend to.

They'd only been gone about twenty minutes, and Aly was (thankfully) still sleeping soundly when Nick opened the curtain for Jess to enter.

She saw Liz – her hero of the day – rifling a few stacks of paper at one of the chairs beside Aly's bed.

When she spotted them, she immediately got up and ushered the pair to their chair.

"Here's some more of the insurance forms," Liz said, handing Jess the stack. "I didn't have all of the information with me, so there's still some parts that need to be filled out."

"Thank you," Jess replied, honestly. "She's lucky to have such a great teacher."

Nick nodded in agreement.

"Oh, it's my job," Liz shook off with a wave of her hand. "And I expect her back on Monday, ready to start a fantastic week of show and tell."

Jess chuckled, but felt the need to pull the woman into a hug, because everyone deserved a hug every now and then, especially a particularly awesome teacher who put up with fifteen three-year-olds on a daily basis.

"We really can't thank you enough," Jess spoke, unsure how to say a thank you that reflected how truly grateful she was. "Do you need a ride home?"

Liz pulled away and shook her head. "My husband's outside, so I'll be heading out."

"Really, Liz, thank you," Jess stressed. The woman only chuckled, waving her hand like it was no big deal as she made her way out the door. Jess shook her head, returning to the seat next to Nick as soon as they were alone.

She looked at Aly's face, which had started to return to its usual skin tone. Her mouth was slightly ajar – the sign of a very nice rest ahead – and Jess brushed a few strands of fine hair behind her ear. She felt Nick's hand find her arm and gave her a few reassuring strokes.

"She looks like you when you sleep," he whispered with a chuckle as she took a sheet and wiped a bit of slobber from the corners of Aly's mouth.

She swatted him. "She is knocked out on some intense antihistamines right now. And, for the record, I do not sleep with my mouth open."

His smile was genuinely irritating. And, what was worse, Jess knew somewhere inside of her that he was right.

"Oh, I'd beg to differ, Ms. Day," Nick quipped with his annoyingly certain tone.

"Shut up, Nick!" She replied in a hushed voice, pushing him back. His response was just to pull her closer and press his lips gently to her forehead.

"Mmhmm, whatever you say," he prompted, lingering above her for just a second.

She glared up at him.

There was a small giggle from down below.

Jess snapped out of her trance, kneeling down to see Aly's eyes fluttering open. A weak smile played on her features, sending a wave of relief through Jess.

Aly swallowed a few times, yawning only once, staring between Jess and Nick as she gained her voice back, her smile still evident. Jess pulled a small cup of water from beside her bed and held it to her so she could take a few controlled sips.

Jess didn't bother to ask Aly any questions, knowing that she still must be groggy, and felt it was best not to push her on the talking. Nick's arm wound around Jess's waist as he wordlessly watched the scene.

"So…" Aly began, looking at Nick, her voice stronger than it had been before she went to sleep, "does this mean you're not gonna marry Julia anymore?"

Jess could feel her eyes go wide, and tried to decide how to tell her daughter not to be so forward, but as gently as possible, as the poor girl had already endured a pretty rough day.

Nick, however, didn't seem fazed this time around. "No, sweetheart," he smiled down, "I'm not."

Even though Aly still had a little bit of swelling to go down, and even though she was still dressed in an awfully grim looking hospital gown, her smile became absolutely radiant as Nick pulled Jess closer to his side. Jess could almost feel her heart constrict at the girl's unabashed joy.

What was even worse was that Jess knew exactly how she felt. Or, she had a pretty good idea, anyway. She'd spent the better part of her twenties wishing for that moment with her very own parents.

Jess took Aly's hand and leaned in closer to Nick.

For now, this was enough.

Two more chapters, guys!