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CHAPTER SEVEN

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A/N:- Banner by FatesLoveQueen http:/yfrog(dot)com/oed60p

I own nothing. Boydblog helped me with this and I'll be forever thankful.

She fixed. I fiddled. Any mistakes that remain are on me.

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"Bella, are you okay?"

Warm arms wrapped around me.

"I think so," I murmured. I placed my hand over my stomach protectively.

A hand cradled my head and gently guided me to a sitting position.

"What happened?" the voice asked.

"I…don't know…"

I opened my eyes but the darkness made it difficult to focus.

"Why are you back here?" the voice asked.

My head was still being cradled gently and another hand found its way to my knee. I shifted my attention to that hand, experiencing a major case of déjà vu. I could tell, even in the dimness, that the skin on the hand touching my knee was a few shades darker than my own.

My eyes slowly adjusted in the darkness and, as they did, I looked around. Carlisle's study was pretty much the same as it had been when I'd fallen to the floor.

I recognized the voice then, but it felt out of place inside the Cullens house.

"Jake? What are you doing here?"

He chuckled softly. "I just asked you the same thing."

"I…I came to find something."

"What?"

Peace.

I couldn't voice it, but I knew that's what I wanted. I also knew I wouldn't find it, not for a long time, if ever.

"Why are you here?" I asked him again, hoping he would take the hint that I didn't want to talk about why I was there.

"Charlie called me when you didn't go home. He wanted to know if I'd seen you."

"I told him I had plans after school," I muttered.

"Apparently a girl named Jessica didn't know anything about them though," he chuckled.

Guilt ate away at me, twisting savagely in my stomach. I hadn't wanted to upset Charlie. In fact, the whole reason I hadn't gone straight home was to ease his mind.

"He's just worried about you," Jacob said, rubbing my back gently with his hand.

"I'm just a little late, surely it doesn't require a full-scale search party."

His eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "School finished almost five hours ago."

Five hours. I could only imagine what my absence would be doing to Charlie. "I didn't realize I'd been gone so long."

Jacob nodded in acknowledgment. He knew that I'd never deliberately do something so thoughtless.

"How did you find me?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I thought about the places you might go. This place seemed farfetched, but I decided to try anyway. I saw your truck in the driveway. I knew you were in here somewhere."

I nodded, unable to say anything more. Jacob wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

"How are you coping? The last time I saw you…" He trailed off.

I could imagine the multitude of endings to his sentence. I shook off the feeling of grief and guilt that washed over me. I'd put everyone around me through hell.

"I'm…I'm…I don't really know."

I couldn't tell him about the ridiculous visions I'd been having; of the overwhelming joy of discovering I was pregnant and the crushing blow of Edward screwing me and leaving almost straight away to go back to work. None of that was real, and Jake would have me committed if I voiced any of it.

"You shouldn't be here," he said after a moment.

"I know." I glanced around the dark study. "There are too many memories here."

He chuckled. "I meant more the fact you're breaking and entering. You don't want a criminal record, do you?"

"Is it breaking and entering if you have a key?" I mused, more to myself.

"Wait?" he asked, pulling away from me and dropping the arm that was across my shoulders. "You have a key?"

My fingers closed around the key hanging from the chain on my neck. I dragged it back and forth a few times before allowing it to fall back against my chest.

"Why do you have a key?" he whispered.

I turned to look at him, feeling nauseous. "I don't know," I admitted in a quiet whisper. "I don't remember much from…"

Jacob nodded before I'd even finished, which was good because I wasn't sure I couldn't finish.

I didn't add that my life had been a blur of half-dreams and I was struggling to comprehend what was real and what wasn't. Tears pricked my eyes as I thought about the pain I'd experienced in this reality, compared to the joy I'd felt when I'd saw the pregnancy test was positive. I had to admit the intensity of the feeling surprised me because I'd never thought I wanted to experience motherhood.

Jacob wrapped his arm around my waist and rested his cheek against my hair. For a split second, it almost felt like the tiny threads of what was left of my sanity, might one day knit back together.

"You'll get there, Bells. I know you will." He nudged me lightly.

"I don't know." I nudged him back, I actually felt almost normal talking to him. "I'm pretty crazy right now."

He laughed, but I could tell it was only to humor me.

We sat in silence for a few minutes more.

The last few months, the routine of drugs and seemingly endless dreams, weighed heavily on my mind. Maybe I did need a friend after all. I thought about Kieran's offer. If he really was just a figment of my imagination, maybe it was my mind telling me I needed to find someone to talk to.

"Jake?" I asked after another minute.

"Yeah?"

"What are you doing tomorrow?" I asked, knowing that Charlie would be working all day and I had time to fill. "Do you want to come over to my house?"

"I'd like that." He said softly. "Do you need a ride home? I can come and get your truck for you later?"

The fact was Jacob shouldn't have been driving at all.

"I'll be fine."

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I held the slim silver device in my hand, before turning it over. I looked up at Charlie in surprise; the new cell phone must have cost him a fortune. He shuffled from one foot to the other awkwardly as I watched him cautiously. I'd expected fire and brimstone for scaring him like I had.

Instead, he'd quietly handed me a box as soon as I'd walked through the door.

"You bought me a cell?" I asked, a little skeptically. I was still waiting for the moment his temper snapped.

"I got it for my own peace of mind," he muttered with a non-committal shrug. "Now I'll be able to call you at any time and find out where you are."

It would have been next to impossible to miss the warning in his tone.

"Thanks, Dad," I murmured, flicking the phone open and trying to figure out how to turn it on. I wondered how much it cost.

"I'm trusting you with this, Bells."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I knew he meant well, and I really did understand how he felt, but his words were like lighter fluid to my incendiary inner-teen. "I know."

"Now, try not to give your old dad a heart attack."

I nodded before walking upstairs to get ready for bed.

Jacob had been a warm comfort and since he went home, the cold, darkness that seemed to reside in my chest, had begun to spread.

My eyes scanned the medicine bottles on the shelf in the bathroom. I still felt the absence of Edward like a physical weight in my chest. It pulled at me and threatened to drag me down.

In contrast, knowing that I might have Jacob to share some of that load helped, at least a little; maybe enough that I'd no longer need the pills. My finger touched the bottle, resting against it while I tried to decide whether I should maintain my routine or whether I could be strong enough to survive without relying on medication.

I wanted to be strong; I hoped that would be enough.

I decided to ignore them for the night.

I pulled my fingers back from the bottle and finished getting ready for bed.

Instead of a restful night of sleep, I tossed and turned. Each time I closed my eyes, I saw Edward in the forest or standing over me in his room. I relived each horrific second on repeat. The world darkened and time slowed; sinister shapes moved through my mind.

Edward took a step towards me, forcing me to take a step backwards. His face was a horrid mask, his features twisted and grim. His eyes were black and hungry.

"Is that what you want?"

My head felt like it was too heavy as I nodded. He took another step, propelling me backwards. The coolness of his body seemed to permeate through my skin and settled deep in my heart.

"You want to be in agonizing pain for days on end?" he asked, taking another step.

I couldn't help thinking that the pain of the change couldn't be worse than the pain I'd suffered after he'd finished his horrific speech.

"And when you are just beginning to think that it can't possibly feel any worse than it does, your senses increase and shift, giving you many new and varied ways to endure the agony?"

I wished I'd spoken some magic words to stop what was happening. Even though I was reliving it in my dream, I was unable to speak or change what was happening.

"To be slave to a thirst that makes you crave the blood of the one person you want more than anything to keep alive? To put your parents through the grief of losing their only daughter so early in her life?"

My body shook violently as I tried to muster the courage to change the outcome. I needed to change it. I couldn't live without Edward.

"I won't do that to you, Bella." Edward's voice was soft again, his face serine. He looked at me with love in his eyes. "I can't let you become a monster."

I reached my hands out for him, but he faded away. My fingers brushed through air that was left vacant as the smoky vision disappeared.

"Edward, come back!"

"Bella!"

My whole body shook.

"Bells, wake up."

My eyes slowly fluttered open.

My head throbbed. A regular pulsing ache pounded my temples. A wave of nausea washed over me, and I rolled my body to one side, shaking loose of the hands that were holding me. I took a few deep breaths until my head stopped throbbing and the illness passed. My throat was dry and desiccated. I tried to push myself up off the bed when I felt a weight holding my blanket. My heart pounded rapidly. For just one second, I hoped Edward leaving me was just a nightmare, and that he really was here with me, and still loved me.

Instead, I looked to see Charlie sitting on the edge of my bed. His face was pinched with concern, but also an expression of quiet resignation was written across his features.

"You were screaming," he stated quietly.

I felt like I was always screaming at night lately, even if it was only on the inside.

"What time is it?" I asked, looking towards the clock.

"It's late. You should try to get back to sleep." His tone was completely devoid of emotion and life.

I knew that Edward leaving hadn't just affected me, the waves of pain that rippled from the epicenter affected so many people: Charlie, Jacob, and even Mom had to watch me spiral deeper into a pit of despair. They all suffered alongside me. I wished I could ease their suffering, but I couldn't even think of a way to ease my own.

"I'm sorry, Dad. I'll try."

Charlie winced as I said the last word. I twisted so that I could sit up better. I wrapped my arms around him tightly. At first he stiffened, the embrace something neither of us would usually have initiated.

"I'm going to get better," I promised him quietly.

His arms wrapped around me in return and he patted my back gently. "I know you will. We Swans are strong."

I wished I felt strong, but I promised myself in that moment that I would try. I wouldn't skip my medication and I'd try as hard as I could not to wallow every time I so much as thought Edward's name.

My night continued in the same pattern of horrid nightmares and brief awakenings. Yet, I could have sworn a velvet voice whispered soothing words and cool hands brushed lightly across my forehead until the nightmare faded.

I couldn't be certain whether it was real or just the remembrance of a dream, but I still felt comforted by it.

I woke the following morning with my heart just a tiny bit lighter; the promise I'd made to Charlie and to myself, ringing through my mind.

Although we hadn't arranged a set time for Jacob to come over, he was at my door relatively early.

He eyed me with concern. I was certain I looked a frightful sight. If my sleepless night had taken the toll on my body that it had on my mind, it almost certainly would show on my face.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I gave him the best smile I could muster and nodded.

He showed me the movies he'd brought over, more than enough for the whole day, and I picked the one that interested me the most. The selection was limited, mainly brainless action and a few horror movies. I wasn't sure whether he'd selected them thinking only of himself, or whether it was because he sensed I wouldn't be in the mood to watch romance or comedy.

We sat side by side for the day, mostly in companionable silence. Occasionally, Jacob would ask a question or two, but he never pushed for an answer. Once or twice he pulled me to snuggle against his side, then he'd pull back and we'd simply hold hands. It was…comfortable. I prepared lunch and found I was actually able to eat more than the usual one or two mouthfuls.

Somehow the day made me feel better and worse.

Jacob left some time after dinner, long after Charlie returned home. The two of them acted like my simple request for some of Jacob's time was a significant improvement. I knew the truth—his presence merely delayed the inevitable pain. That knowledge didn't stop me from trying to enjoy the reprieve though.

When it was time to go to bed, I didn't hesitate before taking the medication residing on the small shelf in the bathroom. I was certain I couldn't handle another sleepless night, and I knew Charlie definitely couldn't. The pills may not have held the nightmares completely at bay, but they did seem to reduce the frequency and severity. Combined with my utter exhaustion, I was certain I would sleep for a solid eight hours.

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A/N:- I was so onto it with review replies for the last chap...until FFn broke & wouldn't let me access the links. Typical that the one chap I promised myself that come hell or high-water I would review reply for (cause I do usually suck at it) would be the one that FFn would stop me on. But anyway...

Wow I have some switched on readers based on my little game at the end of the last chapter. Some of you are warm, some are cold, but I love hearing your theories. I wonder if anything in this chap will change your mind, or solidify theories for you?